MY LIFE - 2003

Social Experiment #318 - Sunday, October 19, 2003

Quick news updates before I get into this entry...The Browns lost today because apparently the receivers all forgot how to catch a football, no one can stay healthy long enough to play an entire game, and they can't dominate teams they should.

That really wasn't vital, but I felt like throwing that in there just for the sake of taking up a little space.

I do believe the last time I wrote an entry, I was declaring how wonderful this girl Ally was and how I may have found someone worth keeping. I sang her praises left and right and was quickly ready to defend her at any given moment.

Funny that I haven't talked to her in three days now and it's no accident.

So what happened? She lied to me. She claimed to be a certain kind of person and then turned out to be completely the opposite of how she was acting. She put up such a convincing front that I didn't pick up on it until after I had thought she was the right girl for me at the moment.

In essence, the girl deceived me about who she was. She claimed to have all this confidence, then turns out she's actually embarrassed of herself and was afraid I'd find out so she hid behind a fake front. In the process, she lied to me about how she appeared, how she acted, and who she was.

Once the truth came out, it then became the begging game. In short, she didn't want to lose me so she started promising me that she'd never lie again, that she hated herself, and on and on. I was so put off by what she was saying and the way she was acting that I didn't know what to say. I knew that I didn't want to talk to her though. I was angry with her for lying to me and anyone who knows me knows I don't get mad easily. You really have to be accomplished to piss me off and she managed it with ease.

Then again, she did one thing that angers me the most, lie about who you are.

I can understand not liking yourself, but putting fake pictures of yourself up in a profile you have online and claiming that's how you look now is a pretty dumb thing to do. Not only do you set yourself up for a tremendous letdown should you ever actually meet the person you're showing those pics to, but you're risking making such a huge ass out of yourself, it's not even funny.

I somehow do not see the benefit of lying about who you are. With this case, I wonder how stupid she thought I was. Did she think I was going to meet her and just brush aside that she didn't look anything like I was going to anticipate? She thinks I'm mad now, imagine how mad I'd be driving two hours and finding out she lied. That's anger, akin to hell in a handbag.

The fake confidence kills me even more though. Why the hell would you act like you love yourself, like you think you're some hot shit when you really don't feel that way? Why would you pretend that you're something you're not? I love confidence in a girl, but only if it's genuine, not fake like it was with her.

The whole situation just really pisses me off. I don't even give a shit about the looks. It's that she lied to me about it all. She wants to know why I won't talk to her, it's not because I think one way or the other about her looks, but it's the lies and the way she ultimately looks to me now.

I lost all respect for her as a person and it would take an awful lot to get that back. There's no way in the world would I consider talking to her right now either. There's nothing for us to discuss. She lied, made me mad, and now has to face the consequences associated with those lies.

I just don't understand why though. It'd be like me finding some good-looking guy's pics and putting them up on this site and claiming those pics are what I look like. Sure, girls would be wanting to meet with me for what they thought they were getting, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself deceiving them that way.

Besides, I get enough attention with the way I look now.

Sure, the pics are seven months old, but the only thing that's even remotely different about me is I have shorter hair and I shaved the goatee off. I didn't gain weight (although I'm a little stronger now), didn't change my hair color, didn't get contacts, didn't do a thing to change my appearance.

I'm happy with who I am. I don't look at the mirror and feel ashamed. I don't look at the mirror and wonder what if I was bigger. I know who I am, I know what my strengths are, and I know what I can change. I'm true to myself and therefore, I'm true to those around me. There's no wondering who I am because I have nothing to hide.

Ally on the other hand, doesn't like who she is so she hides behind old pics. It's sad to me and something that shouldn't happen. The age old saying is that you can't be loved if you don't love yourself. It's true too. If you can't love yourself, then others can't love you.

I enjoy who I am, like who I am, and am not ashamed about anything. So what I'm not the biggest guy? That's something I can work on and have been. I can tell you this, I'm stronger than I look now. I was able to move a dresser from one level of our house to another by myself the other night that a year ago I would've been hard pressed to move across a room. Even my mom was surprised that I was able to do what I did.

I have things going for me and I know what I can accomplish. I'm not going to let this bring me down because it's not worth it.

Speaking of moving...I moved from one room to another a couple nights ago because I frankly needed the larger room. For the most part, it went well. I was able to get all my furniture from my room on the second floor to my new room on the first floor without a problem.

It's nice to have more than a couple of feet to manuever, although the lack of a closet (seems that the workers had to neglect at least one thing in every room of the house) has been a bit binding. I should have that taken care of shortly, although the leak in my driver's side rear tire is a much larger concern for me right now.

It's actually kind of funny though. Despite the whole fiasco with Ally, I feel about as good as I've felt in a while. I don't feel sick or sore and I'm generally in a good mood. I just really don't care right now to get down about shit that I can't control. So what someone I cared about lied to me? She obviously wasn't worth the time.

So what my tire's leaking? I just have to drop by a service center tomorrow and have it fixed. So what I have to work six more days this week? Next week I'll have three days off and a birthday to celebrate.

It ain't all that bad right now.

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This house is so jumbled right now. The ten to fifteen boxes that were in the room I moved into are now in the living room with nowhere else to put them. Problem with the boxes is that they all have stuff in them that belongs to my mom and her room is still not done. She can't just put all those things up there until the room's done so that leaves them to sit in the boxes in our living room.

In the meantime, there's so much crap jammed into so many places that every few steps you're walking into something. Most of it revolves around boxes. We seem to be the cardboard box capital of the world right now. Every room seems to have at least one in it, and most have at least three.

Then there are the kittens that keep escaping from my mom's room. She's given up on keeping them up there since the door to the third floor is one of three that do not close properly (how do you screw up the installation of a door by the way?). They run over everything, into everything, and just cause general chaos by knocking things over.

If it isn't bolted down, it's getting knocked over.

Then there's Jasper, the grey one that blends into our carpet and is the damn sneakiest kitten I've ever been around. He's easy to lose track of and before you know it, he's launched into the air, attacking some unsuspecting form of life in this house, whether it be one of us or another cat.

Needless to say, it gets a little crazy around here.

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Some other bits of useless info...Today is the beginning of the third straight week where I'll be close to or over 50 hours of work. Love the overtime, hate the tired feeling...I need an oil change and tune-up like you wouldn't believe. If I could only find enough time and money to actually do something about it...Here's to all the women online who aren't faking it in their profiles and pretending to be someone else. You're the ones I respect the most.

Oh, and don't forget, just 11 days until my birthday!