MY LIFE - OCTOBER

Wednesday, October 25, 2000

I guess it's pretty obvious that I didn't have a whole lot to write yesterday. I made that clear by letting Simba in on the fun. I had fun with that entry though, which is why I'd do more like that in the future if my brain goes on vacation like it did last night.

I'm sorry if you found it disturbing. You wouldn't be the first or last one to say that.

I got home last night and just couldn't think. At least that's what I think happened. I don't remember a damn thing after getting home. I guess I did write Danielle, although when I thought about it today, it felt more like a dream than anything else. It wasn't a dream though since there was a response from her today though. Then I looked and realized that there was an entry from Simba last night. I don't remember it at all.

Then again, I didn't get home until around 1 or 1:30am. I think I got to bed at around 3:30am. Again, I'm just speculating though. I don't really remember anything once I got inside the door to my room. I could have been writing in my underwear for all I know. I vaguely remember reading the Cleveland Live forum though. Something on whether girls preferred boxers or briefs.

Now, when I was in high school, the girls all wanted boxers. Girls my age always seemed to say that they preferred boxers and they thought briefs to be rather silly. This was primarily for sexual reasons (what was it with Brunswick girls and sex anyway?), but it also seemed that the girls thought boxers looked better. I read these forum entries and saw that the girls, most of them 16, preferred briefs because they thought guys looked cute in them.

Why am I talking about this? I don't have a clue. It probably stems from what I wrote a couple paragraphs above though about writing last night's entry in my underwear. For the record, I do wear boxers. I am a converted man who's not at all regretting the conversion. Intitially, they were uncomfortable. Now I don't think I'd ever want to change back.

So I guess this would mean that it's a good thing I'm no longer in high school. I'd be completely off of what's popular and what isn't. Then again, I never gave a shit anyway. I just wore what I liked and if people liked it, great. If not, oh well.

The real question should be why I'm talking about underwear anyway. I must be more tired than I thought I was.

But that's what happens when you're playing video games until 12:30 in the morning with a friend who lives more than a half hour away. It makes you tired, and as most people know, I can get really loopy when I'm tired. I also get forgetful. I will not be able to honestly tell you what I did during a day where I was tired, aside from a few minor details.

I'm much funnier when I'm tired, but it's hard to convey that online. I'm just not as funny online as I am in person. You can't catch the facial expressions I might use, nor can you catch it if I'm being sarcastic or if I'm being serious. You can't always tell online. I'd use that talk feature with my instant messenger, but I'm not sure if my microphone works. I think it does, but I'm afraid it might blow up or something if I try to use it.

Anyway, the internet doesn't tailor to my kind of humor. You have to be around me in person to really catch it. You also have to be somewhat knowledgable on certain things because I'll throw references at you like it's nothing. Most of the time it's easy to pick up, but if you're not paying attention, you might miss it.

I can't do that here. Instead, I have to resort to talking about underwear. So instead of being funny, I sound like an idiot. Another thing that happens is I tend to talk about more serious things online too. I don't have someone I talk to on the phone or in person on a regular basis. I don't have a person to really talk to and explain what's bothering me or what's going on with me.

I don't have that person who I can discuss serious things with. So instead, you poor people have to put up with me instead. I'm sorry if people would rather see me be funny and crack jokes all the time. I'm sorry if I've disappointed people.

But I'm not sorry over who I am. I can be very serious or very funny. I can talk about politics or I can talk about underwear. I guess it depends on my sugar intake for the day.

By the way, I was kidding about writing in my underwear. At least I think I was wearing more than just my boxers at the time. Or maybe not. I can't really remember. Does that scare you?

---

My last day at CVS #4300 in Strongsville is November 4th. It's hard for me to believe that this is now a set date and that I really am transferring to #3035 in Berea. I always knew that it would happen eventually (contrary to whatever I might have said in the previous few months), but I guess I wasn't really prepared to actually have it happen. When Tom told me that he was going to let it go through, I felt so happy and at the same time, a little sad.

I've been working at that store for over three years. I know what goes on in that store and I know the customers very well. They know me very well as well and I wonder if they'll notice that I'm no longer there. I also wonder just how different things might be once I'm gone. I know that a lot of the life was taken out of the place when Mike transferred to #4054 in the last part of the summer, leaving me as the sole instigator. I just wonder how different the atmosphere will be in the store.

But even though I'm somewhat sad to be leaving the store, I'm also very interested in working at Berea full time. I feel like I really can fit in there without any kind of problem and don't see any problems coming up unless someone wants to raise a fit about my not ringing register as much as someone else. I know that people are going to crab eventually if I don't ring register regularly. I'm hoping that doesn't happen though. I know that I'll be the new person at the store and I don't want to create problems.

It will be weird looking at the schedule over there though. At my store, my name is second from the top of the associates only under Debbie. I'm second in seniority over there. I'll be at the bottom of the schedule at Berea, a place on the schedule I haven't been at since probably my first month back in 1997. I have more experience than at least three or four of the techs overall, but I don't think that'll bump me up on the schedule overall. I don't think it would be right at all.

I guess the bottom line is I want to fit in without any problems. I won't feel right if a rift is created because of me. I already know that some of the people are a little upset at one person or another for any number of reasons. I don't want to be one of those people. I also don't want any part of the current problems that might exist. I have no real stomach for any kind of bickering.

I'm not going to go over there to get dragged into someone else's mess. If everyone lets me do my job and leaves me be, I'll be just fine.

---

The past year or so has been very tumultuous for me. First off, my dad started coming back around. I was very uneasy with him around. I just could never get comfortable or feel right when he was near me. I always felt like I shouldn't be there, or that maybe it wasn't right that he was next to me or even in the same room as me. It just never felt right. When he was gone, I was okay. I was upbeat and friendly. When he was around, I bottled up and just was not easy to talk to at all.

This probably really affected more than one friendship. I would bottle up and just could not bring myself to talk to anyone at all about anything that was happening to me. I didn't want to feel like I was dragging someone else into the mix. But that was my whole problem. I knew I wasn't going to drag anyone into the mess by talking to them about what was going on. Yet I refused to open up. I know I hurt at least two friendships because of this and probably damaged a couple more.

Couple that with my continued failure at getting any kind of a relationship going. Just what is it about me that compels people to stop talking to me? I had one person after another call me or e-mail a few times, then just stop as if I stopped existing. If I'm doing something wrong, tell me. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I can use the coaching. I'm almost 20 and I haven't really had a real relationship. That's sad, but also an example of me just not knowing what I'm supposed to do.

I had to deal with my dad going beserk one night and ending up in jail, capping off a series of events that escalated into him kicking my mom at one point. That was one of the worst nights of my life. 5 in the morning on Friday night/Saturday morning, just two hours before I had to go to work. I had to call off that day because I just didn't get any sleep. Then I had to drive my mom to the hospital to have her knee looked at.

If I had a good day during that stretch at all, it was a fluke. That was back in the winter too. I just don't really understand why all these bad things have happened to me either. Did I do something to piss someone off so much that I'm getting repaid for it? Or am I just one of those people who can't seem to catch too much of a break? I just don't understand it at all. Does bad luck follow me around?

I just don't know what to do. I feel like right now I'm catching a good break, but if my history tells me anything, it tells me to be ready for something bad to happen. It never fails. I know I shouldn't think like that either, but I can't help it. It's hard to be positive all the time when so many bad things have happened to you. It kind of warps you into believing that very little will ever go right.

We moved back in March, a step in the right direction though. However, once moving we found ourselves without any phones at all thanks to the experts at Ameritech. We had phones for a couple of days, then they were shut off, then they made appointments to visit that they didn't keep, then later denied making, then we switched to Corecomm, only to have one phone not set up at all, forcing us to call again. Finally, I got my phone set up and running in April.

More than a month after we moved. It took me a month to get a phone back. The assholes didn't even need to come out and turn the phones on outside our house. They just used that as an excuse as to why they hadn't done anything sooner. But we were able to settle into our house at long last and finally get things moving in the right direction.

Now I'm transferring to Berea. Hopefully for a while, the cycle has ended. I don't want anymore changes for at least a year right now. I just don't know if I'll be able to handle any more problems. I really don't need to have to put up with them. I have enough trouble without outside help.

I guess I'm just tired though. I just want things to calm down for a little while so that I can get things in gear at long last. Is that asking too much?