MY LIFE - OCTOBER

Thursday, October 26, 2000

I guess it's safe to say that I've been fairly crabby all day. I don't know what it is, maybe it's this sinus headache that won't go away no matter what I take. I've just about reached the option where you rip your nose off of your face and let the cats play with it for a while. I don't think I'm going to do that though. It really won't help my cause all that much aside from give me a lot more pain in my face.

But I do not feel good today. I got home and my stomach just was rolling in all sorts of directions, and I did not agree with a single direction at all. So now I'm sitting, writing with a stomach that doesn't like me with a head that's just pounding. So just why am I not in bed? I guess I'm just stupid that way. I'm too stupid to do what will actually help me. Besides, if I don't write this now, I'll never get around to it since I have to go to bed early so I can get up early in the morning to go down to Brunswick.

I have a maintenance check scheduled for my car. I would love nothing more than to not have to drive out to Brunswick at 9 in the morning, but that's where I bought my car. It's okay though. I'll stop at the bank before I go in and deposit most of my check, which is around $270 for 49 hours of work. Then I'll take my car in and stick around for as long as it might take. After that, I don't know what will go on for me.

The funny thing about my day is that I was feeling all right when I got to work. But Tom seemed like he wasn't in the best of moods and that seemed to affect me. He wasn't the most cheerful person and that spread to me and before long, I was in a pretty bad mood. Then I have customers getting a little testy over things that I really didn't have any control over, but get blamed for because I'm there.

On the bright side, I only have a little over a week to go before I transfer. I'll miss this place, but not all that much. Too much bullshit has been going on for the last few months. I like the newer store better, I'll be closer to home, and there will be more for me to do over there. It just gets so boring. I'm not someone who likes it quiet. I like to be kept occupied, which is why this store kills me sometimes. It can get so quiet that it's unbelievable. I just can't take it anymore.

So today was kind of a washout day for me. I've felt awful all day and just haven't had a lot to really smile about. I'm probably not going to write much more unless I get into a topic that gets me rolling. I just don't have it in me tonight.

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It still really hasn't hit me that I'm almost done at this store. I can't really fathom working anywhere else, and now that I'm going to be after next week, it just doesn't feel right. But I'm also so sick of my current store that I'm looking forward to the transfer. I just get tired of listening to everyone complain about the way the store looks, or how it's run, or how this and that should be like that and this.

I'm sick of the district manager coming in every other week and making us move stuff around, then coming in again the next week and telling us that we need to move it back. I'm sick of him doing things that don't make sense. I'm sick of him not really caring about us more than he cares about his own personal advancement. The asshole never says a thing to me when he comes in. He knows better.

Our store should have been at least remodeled two or three years ago, but it wasn't. We still look like an old Revco store. CVS spent all sorts of money to remodel stores that all eventually moved. It made no sense. The one store they haven't been able to move? They didn't remodel it or really put much effort into it at all. It's like we've been forgotten and no one cares what happens to us in the long run.

It was really discouraging for me to continue to put up with it all. Then dealing with Tom can get treacherous too. If he's in a bad mood, then you're in for a long night. I remember he used to give me all sorts of shit up to a year ago before he finally realized it was getting him anywhere. How inclined am I going to be help him out if he's cussing me out? I hated it too because it made me feel low, like I didn't really deserve to be walking on this planet or something.

I'm tired of dealing with Lenny at times. He's a nice guy, but he just hasn't been able to figure out that he's working for a company that has high expectations and low tolerance towards mistakes. The only reason he probably hasn't been fired is because they're so hard on managers that they've had a bunch quit on them. It's not easy to work for CVS. They want you to spend all day, every day, working at your store. These district managers are the same way. They spend all week practically away from home.

I wouldn't stand for it. It's like most pharmacists, who work a few full days and a have a couple full days off. Managers are expected to devote everything they have to their job. I'm sorry, but it just isn't happening. I wouldn't do it, so I don't know why some managers do this. Is your career worth so much that you'd sacrifice your family? That's why we have such huge messes with children today. No one's home to help them grow.

I don't know if I'd want to work with this company the rest of my life. I don't really know where I'll be a year from now. I just don't know right now.

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I'm sorry about my attitude tonight. I don't feel good and I have a lot on my mind. I'm in one of those mindsets where I don't know if I want a whole lot to do with people. It's this chemical imbalance thing that does it too. I don't have it as bad as the rest of my family, but when it hits, it's pretty noticeable. So if my entries are really short or filled with some rather unpleasant things, that's why.

I don't like to be negative. But sometimes that's just how I feel. I'm just not very personable right now at all. Who knows how long it will last.