MY LIFE - NOVEMBER

Sunday, November 19, 2000

I woke up today around 11am, which wasn't early, but on Sundays I don't usually get moving until about an hour or two later. Today was different because despite blinking a couple of times, I couldn't get the haze to disappear from the vision of my right eye. Upon wiping at my eye, I realized that there was a lot of goop covering it and immediately wondered how it might look.

I went to the bathroom and continued to try and clear up my vision enough so that I could actually see what I was dealing with. Once I had that taken care of (after about four or five wipes, mind you), I looked at my eye and saw that it was very red. Just my right eye. My left eye looked fine, but the right one was incredibly bloodshot.

My first thought was I was getting pink eye. The burning wasn't helping me think it could be something else, although the lack of it itching eased my mind a little bit. I just know that I was hoping it wasn't anything serious since the last thing I need right now is to get pink eye. Not with a 51 hour work week coming up. I do not need customers asking me what's wrong with my eye nor do I need to risk any time off.

I immediately went downstairs to get my eye drops out of the fridge to try and ease the burning a bit. I had to do this every few hours, so after I finished watching the Browns lose a tough one today (24-10 to Tennessee), I had to put more drops in. The problem I had was that when the drops aren't cold, they aren't easy to get in your eye. It's not easy to go up and down my stairs so I had to come up with something quick.

I decided to get cute. I remembered I had one of those styrofoam coolers that drug companies like to send drugs that need to stay cold in, plus I had saved all the ice packs as well. So I grabbed a couple of the packs from the freezer, threw them in the cooler, and dropped the eye drops in there. This kept them cold and allowed me to stay upstairs rather than run back and forth.

No, the drops didn't freeze in there. It actually worked, which is what's scaring me. I don't think I'd be keeping my pop up here since I'd have to change the ice packs every so often, but for now, it's done the trick with my eye drops. The drops themself have been working, although the eye is still very red and it still bothers me a little bit.

My mom thinks it's from my sister, who had a similar condition for a while and she also thinks that the cat hair in my room is contributing to my problems, although she's not sure. I don't think it's that big of a problem because my other eye is fine. It's just the right one that's been bothering me today. I've dealt with it though and don't think it will slow me down at all, unless it's really bad tomorrow morning.

I've had this happen before, so this is nothing new. Of course, maybe that's half the problem.

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My grandma called me today to tell me everything that was going on and to find out how we were doing. She wanted to know if we were doing okay, which I told her we were. She wanted to know how I was doing and I told her about my transfer and what I intended to do over the next few months. I let her in on what was going on around here and let her know that we were all doing just fine.

She then told me about my dad. He had worked for a day, but then was laid off because the weather became colder, so that was a start. She also told me he was thinking of going back to the house in Brunswick, which I thought was a mistake. She wanted to know if I had a key to the house, but I wasn't going to answer that one. I told her that I didn't know if my mom had one and that she'd have to talk to my mom to find out.

She told me that his time in rehab wasn't being counted as his served time just yet. The judge wants to see how he'll do over the next few months and was probably wasn't too happy when my dad hired a new lawyer. So the rehab technically doesn't count yet. If my dad screws up, it's back to jail to serve the time and possibly more. I think it's smart move since it might deter him from doing anything stupid for a while.

She asked me if I was going to my aunt's this year and I said I probably was, even if it was just for a few minutes, although I told her I wasn't guaranteeing anything at this point in time. I told her that I'd try though and wasn't going to be worried about my dad being there. She told me that last year he didn't even go (which we knew already; I'll explain later), so she didn't know if he'd be going this year.

She then went and told me about a half-dozen other stories, most of them involving people she knew. One was about a family who moved who had a son who didn't want to move and became upset over it and some other shit like that. Another was about her poison ivy, which I probably could do without hearing, but it didn't matter. She told me about it anyway because that's the way she is. Once she gets going, she doesn't like to stop.

I thanked her for the card and we said our goodbyes. It was really nice to hear from her and know that she's doing okay. It's always good to know where my dad is and what he's up to.

Speaking of which, I called tonight so my mom could talk to my grandma and he answered. He kept asking who it was and I kept telling him it was me. Finally, he was ready to hang up and I blurted "Dad, it's me!" and he finally figured it out. He then told me he didn't recognize my voice.

I felt very strange talking to him. I also felt very uncomfortable. That tells me I'm not really sure if I want to deal with him. I didn't even really want to talk to him and became uneasy when he told me he wanted to see our house someday. The conversation just didn't feel right and I didn't feel right. I managed to end it but even now I still feel uneasy about the whole thing.

I guess part of me still doesn't want to speak to him under any circumstance. It wasn't an easy conversation for me to deal with and I don't think I'll be calling there again. I'm just not ready to deal with him yet.

I don't know if I'll ever be able to, especially with Thanksgiving coming up. Thanksgiving is somewhat symbolic for me as to what happened last year to start all the problems. It was last Thanksgiving when things really got bad with him.

We had had a great dinner and I really didn't feel like going anywhere else. I was stuffed and a little tired maybe. Whatever the case, I wasn't prepared for what transpired the rest of the night. A little after we finished eating, my dad decided he wanted to go to my aunt's. Problem was, he needed a ride and none of us wanted to go anywhere.

My mom had been on the computer and was doing something online, ignoring his remarks. He finally went over to the computer and shut the thing off, prompting an angry response from my mom and bringing me to my feet. I walked into the kitchen and stood close to the two of them as she turned the computer back on. He then went to try and turn it off again when I stepped in front.

He tried to push me out of the way, but it didn't work. My mom then gave him a shove and told him not to touch me. He then started to really get his remarks going, calling both of us every name in the book that you could think of. He was losing his temper, so I was wondering what was going to happen next. Thankfully, the rest of the night was fairly quiet and we were able to carry on with what we were doing.

As time has gone to show, the real fun was just beginning. After Thanksgiving, he became more prone to become weird and start saying things that were untrue and disgusting at the same time. After that, he began to lose control and things began to spiral out of control. In a couple weeks, we'd be spending a weekend in a hotel, trying to get things in order and trying to move out.

In a little over three weeks, the incident that began the whole process that ended with him in rehab took place. It was on December 10, 1999 and I still remember everything that happened. The December 11, 1999 entry recaps what happened that night, a night that will be forever etched in our minds. I didn't know what was going to happen at that point in time and certainly didn't see us moving to this house at all.

But the whole mess was touched off Thanksgiving a year ago. This year, there's no concern over what he might do. I'm only a little apprehensive over what might happen if I go to my aunt's this year. Last year was the only time I had ever missed it and is something I don't feel good about. But the memories from last year are sticking with me and making it a little more difficult for me to decide.

I know I should just put that whole mess behind me like the other bad things that I've dealt with, but it's never easy to do so. It's never easy to put aside such terrible memories, memories that still come to me today. I never wanted things to turn out the way they did. If I had known what would happen, I would've gladly taken him where he wanted to go last year. I had no idea what would happen.

However, that said, there's nothing I can do about "what if's" that come to mind. I can only deal with what's here in front of me now, and that's a future where I don't have to worry about him or what he might do. I've moved on with my life which is why I feel okay with considering going to my aunt's. No matter what happens there, it can't be as bad as what happened last year.

After all, life is about overcoming challenges and obstacles in my way. So far, I've made it. Now's not the time to think about how things could've been easier. I'd be wasting my time if I did that and I don't like to waste time unless I have nothing better to do (oh, that makes a whole lot of sense).

This is the year when things will go right, when the holidays won't be tainted. This Thanksgiving is going to be better than last year, no matter what happens.