Friday, December 3, 2004

I'm not unhappy.

I want to make that abundantly clear before saying anything else right now. I'm not mad about anything. I'm not upset about anything. I'm not sad in any way. There is nothing wrong with me right now.

There is the impression that something is wrong though. I know why this is. All you have to do is look at my away message on AIM to figure it out. It seems people think I'm angry in some way because I'm cleaning up my buddy list.

I was angry, upset, and maybe a little hurt even a week ago. I had been dissed again by a girl and felt it unfair, unnecessary, and a problem that has been recurring for me. I also noticed that I had a lot of names on my buddy list, names I either never talked to or felt very little interest from when I did talk to them.

There are a lot of people who I started talking to who just didn't really have legitimate interest in me, yet were people who said they did.

I put an away message up stating that if you still wanted to talk to me, still wanted to be my friend, that you should contact me in one of three ways listed. Those who did would stay on my list. Those who didn't would be removed.

The backlash hasn't been too bad. A couple of my friends who had nothing to worry about threatened to kick my ass if I removed them, another sent a worried im to me wondering if I was still going to talk to her, and another seemed to think that I was upset.

I'm simply weeding out the pretenders from the people who really do care about me. Nothing more, nothing less.

If there's any concern, it's the lack of emotion I feel when I think about those who have yet to leave a message for me. There are a couple of people I thought for sure would leave me one, but haven't done so yet. This does make me wonder, but at the same time, there's still until Wednesday to do so.

What this has done is made me realize that I'm misunderstood by a lot of people in a lot of ways.

For example, anytime I suddenly get quiet, the first thing anyone asks me is if something's wrong. Occasionally, something is bothering me, but more often than not, I'm thinking about something. I can understand why someone would think something's wrong because I can be very outgoing most of the time. If I'm really outgoing one minute and suddenly quiet the next, the first thing you think of is that something's wrong.

Sometimes I just like to be quiet. There is still a little bit of a loner in me, and while it isn't as strong as it used to be, it is there.

I used to have to do everything by myself. I had to entertain myself because I didn't really have any friends. I was always the one eating by myself in school. I was always the one standing off to the side while everyone else was laughing and having a good time.

Sometimes I just want to be by myself. In that same vein, I sometimes just have very little to say. As distressing as it may seem, it really isn't that big of a deal. Because I do think a lot and because it's hard to put those thoughts into words sometimes, it can be best for me to just deal with those things on my own.

There are plenty of other misconceptions about me too.

I think because I'm not as built as other guys, girls look at me and think that I wouldn't be able to protect them if needed, they think that I can't be protective. Well, unfortunately, I am a protective person. I will stick my neck out on the line for those I care about. I will do what it takes to make sure the people I care about stay safe.

I think something that's really misunderstood about me is whether or not I mean something when I say it. I really think that a lot of girls just don't believe me when I say things to them that I've said, and because of that, they find me to be fake in some way or they don't think it's possible for me to feel the way I say I feel.

Truth is, I never say anything unless I mean it. I don't tell a girl she's pretty just to say it. I don't tell a girl she's sweet just to say it. I don't say anything just to say it. What I say I mean and that seems to be the thing that's hardest for any girl I'm talking to to understand.

I'm up front with how I feel and I think that can scare a girl too. Most guys I guess don't say how they really feel. Well I do. I always have and probably always will unless some future experience scars me beyond repair.

Being a guy, I'm expected to be macho even though a lot of girls don't like that. I'm expected to be confident. I'm expected to be a whole lot of things I really am not cut out to be.

I don't give off a lot of confidence because I don't have any real reason to be overly confident. I am out of my league when I go out to a bar. I don't really know what the hell I'm doing when I *try* to dance, I'm not as big as most guys, and I don't dress all stylish and shit either. I'm just simply not physically what a lot of girls are looking for. There are going to be those who tell me this isn't true, but don't tell me otherwise. Guys and girls both look at how the opposite sex looks first, then find out about their personality. Some of us have lower standards than others, but the first thing anyone ever notices is how good a person looks.

I don't do things because other people are doing them. I don't buy clothes because it's what's popular. I don't do anything just because everyone else is doing it. I could almost give a shit about what kind of clothes I'm wearing because clothes don't define me.

I don't have a set type of girl. This seems to bother some. Apparently, I have to be into one particular type of girl, whether it be blondes, brunettes, red-heads, preppy girls, or whatever. Well, I'm not.

It makes things more complicated than they should be. The only things that are really important are that the girl's nice, she looks decent, and that she's going to care and respect me like I will with her. I've been down the girl-with-an-attitude road and I don't care to go there again. There's been too much heartbreak.

But the problem that constantly comes up is that I'm just not big enough for most girls that I find attractive. Or there's one thing they don't like, and because of that, they aren't my type, which leads to me not being considered boyfriend material.

I hate the rules of dating so much, but what can I do?

Check that, I hate how a lot of people treat dating and the whole process. I actually love dating.

The thing that drives me up the wall the most is when I find out that a girl who's pretty, nice, and all the things I want isn't into guys like me. She's into bad boys.

I swear to God if I see one more profile online, one more journal of a girl talking about she just loves a bad boy, I'm going to shut myself off from the rest of the world for good.

Why in the hell would you want someone like that? I know a couple of girls who've dated or are dating a guy like that and it's the worst thing in the world. Half the time they're bent out of shape because the dude's in trouble and might be going to jail.

I cannot see the benefits outweighing the negatives of a situation like that.

Sure, he gets into a lot of trouble, isn't allowed in most bars, has spent 1/4 of his time alive in prison, can't keep a job, spends most of his money on court fees, but I know he can protect me.

Wha-huh?

Oh, well in that case, fine by me.

Thing is, a lot of those guys are probably pretty cool. And maybe some of them do know how to treat a girl, but is it really worth it? I can't tell you how many times I've watched one girl cry because her man's constantly in trouble. I can't tell you how many times she's said she's done with guys like him, yet continues to go back.

It's maddenly frustrating to watch it happen.

But you know what? You get what you ask for. I can't help if a girl doesn't like me for whatever reason she may have. I can't help it if I don't meet a girl's standards. I can't help it if I'm not good enough and I won't.

I can change certain things about me physically, but I can never change who I am inside. No one is worth that.

But again, I want to stress, I'm not unhappy. Nothing is wrong.

I've just been thinking a lot these past few days about a number of different things. I'm actually feeling as good now as I've felt in a long time and I don't quite understand why, but I'm not going to complain.

I do think it's partly because I've come to understand myself and what I need to do. I've had more than enough people tell me I'm a good guy. I don't have anything to prove. My actions will tell you more than I could ever possibly say. That's how I have to approach things from now on.

If you don't understand me, take the time to get to know me. If you don't want to do that, then it's not my problem and you aren't worth my time. If you think you understand me, ask me things and make sure. I'm an open person and have no problem talking about anything concerning who I am.

I can't make things happen. I can't force things to go my way.

And I won't.

---

The whole mess with Peggy's daughter is starting to tax those I work with. I can't really talk about what happened because it's a personal matter, but Peggy's daughter Christina did some things she shouldn't have done, may have gotten herself into a huge mess, and now we have to deal with it because Peggy doesn't handle stress very well.

I'm surprised Peg hasn't gone off the deep end yet.

Today we were left short-handed in the morning though. It wasn't too bad, but when 10am rolled around and Sarah hadn't shown up for work yet, it was time to start getting a little nervous. By 10:30, I was getting rather annoyed. It's one thing to be five or ten minutes late, but half an hour or more? Yikes.

Sarah finally whowed up around 10:45 and explained what had happened. Then I had to fill with her all morning which was more of an adventure than it should have been. Sarah's not the sharpest tool in the shed sometimes and today she was especially brilliant at times.

She's fun to work with though and today it helped that both Brian and Keith were off. I simply cannot stand working with either of them sometimes, although Keith has been more manageable of late.

It wasn't really busy today though, so that helped.

I'm still waiting to see if anything's going to happen this weekend, but chances are pretty good that I won't be doing much. That's fine with me. There are a select few I'd like to see, but I doubt it will happen.

That could change, but we'll see.

Rest wouldn't hurt, that's for sure.