Saturday, December 11, 2004

It's been over a week since I last wrote. In that time, I've once again been more down than up and allowed myself to fall into the same trap that's bedeviled me for the last several months.

I allowed myself to believe that someone I met online was actually being for real when she said she liked me.

You'd think after all this time I'd actually learn something, but I don't like to do things the easy way. No, I like to say that I'm not going to just believe something that's said to me, that I'm going to make someone prove it, yet time and time again I fail to do that.

I'm no longer naming names when it comes to this though. It's pointless. They'll never read this and understand what they did to me, nor do I feel like they'll care. It only reminds me of the hurt that was caused, mainly by my own stupidity.

You can say it. I will. I'm stupid. I fall for the same things every time without learning the damn lesson at hand. It's like being stuck with a skipping record and not doing anything about it because you just know this time it won't skip.

Fact is, I need to start making girls prove to me that they're interested. Why should I be the only one trying to talk to a girl? Shouldn't she be trying to call me when she wants to talk to me? Shouldn't she at least be doing something if she likes me so much? Yet time and time again, that effort isn't there.

So I decided I'm through. Once my current subscription is up at HotorNot, I'm not renewing it. The girls I've met through that site are as worthless as any site I've ever been a part of with the exception of Lisa. If it weren't for Lisa, that site would be a colossal failure to me.

I'll keep going with SWYDM if only because I truly know some awesome people on that site. I'll mention them later though when I get to talking about my friends.

As a whole, I've decided the internet is fairly useless when it comes to meeting good, honest-to-god people who actually care about who you are. There are exceptions, but for the most part, no one's who they say they are online. That's fine by me. You keep going on writing in profiles that you love new people, that you'll talk to anyone.

I know I'm not fooled.

Funniest thing is, I changed my picture on HotorNot to one of my more recent ones, one that's much clearer than the one I had up. It's funny because my rating sucks with the new picture.

Guess what? I don't give a shit. Just like I don't give a shit about my rating on swydm. Shit, there are girls who are easily over 300 lbs in weight who have 9.5's. The site is cool, but I don't really think you should put much stock into the rating you have on there. It's inflated in a lot of cases. I'm not complaining since last check I was at 9.6, but I know some of that is just people returning the 10 I gave them.

As it is, I'd like to move away from certain aspects of the internet. I'll keep talking to those I know online now, but I'll be very reluctant to add new people to my messenger list. I've deleted a handful in the last day, some because they had shown no interest in me at all, others because of a comment they made. One girl I deleted because I had been explaining myself to her when she suddenly put up an away message wondering why there were no good men in Ohio.

To say that pissed me off is putting it lightly.

Sorry, you're cute and all, but I don't care for those kind of comments.

The bottom line is I need to grow some balls and learn how to meet girls offline. I need to be able to tell that a girl has some interest in me and actually do something about it. At least then you know what the girl looks like, you can hear her voice, and you can generally get an idea of what she's like.

That's what I need to do. I may enlist the help of others to give me some assistance in actually not being shy. I'm willing to take on any advice that you can give me.

This entry is more than me talking about not using the internet to meet girls anymore. It's about getting back to my old self and realizing what got me this far in life. It's about recognizing those things that you need most.

It's about my friends. I'm going to mention each of my closest friends, online and offline, and give each of you a personal message. I don't care if you ever see this or not. I just want it to be known how much all of you mean to me. The listing of friends is in no order.

So don't go getting a big head just because you're ahead of someone else or first.

First, I need to mention my offline friends. I have a small group of people that I know are cool to me and people I can have fun with.

Megan, you're my ex, and even though what you did to me at the end of our relationship was shitty, we grew from that. We managed to forge a friendship that's stronger than I could have ever hoped for. You see me for who I am and always can tell when something's wrong. I love you, not just as a friend, but as a great friend. Now please, start keeping things to yourself. I do not need to know about your feminine problems.

Mike, I've known you seven years. You trained me at CVS when I first started. We agitated each other to no end, yet somehow became great friends. I have no idea how or why, but I suppose I can't complain. I know that I've got someone to play the latest video game with, someone who gives me a break from my other friends and going out. We have a unique friendship, one that hasn't been slowed by your marriage. Thankfully, there's no one else like you.

Sarah, okay, so we know each other better than most people ever would guess, but in the end, despite your promiscuous lifestyle and generous selection of partners, I've found you to be a blast to hang out with. Whereas Mike's my relaxing friend, you're my out-and-about friend, the one I go to bars with and watch as you get so drunk that you can't remember how you got home. You keep me on my toes, but no one has done more to open me up.

Lennie, you're the good kind of black guy, the kind that everyone should know. Okay, so you do things you shouldn't do, you dance with girls you have no business dancing with, but you're still funny as hell. You're fun to work with, fun to hang out with, and dammit, you know how to take a joke.

There are others, but I'm getting tired and I still need to mention my online friends.

Jen, good lord, how could I ever have gotten to this point without you? I've known you the longest of all my friends, yet I've never seen you in person or have any idea of what you look like now. But that doesn't matter because I know you on the inside and that's the girl I've grown to love. I still hold out hope that there was supposed to be something more for us, but I don't worry about that. The only thing that matters is that after seven years, we still can make each other laugh and smile when no one else can. I love you so much Jen, it's not even funny. You have no choice but to put up with me the rest of your life. I couldn't get through life without you.

Lisa, through all the bullshit, I've found you to be a girl that just needs one small break for everything to go well. You know I have your back and you know that I don't care that we haven't met yet. I know you want to, but I know you want to get your life together before adding anyone new to it. I respect what you want, respect what you desire, and more importantly, respect you as a person. I appreciate how much you've opened up to me and how much trust you've shown me. That in itself means so much to me.

Mahryah, I haven't known you long, but in the time I've had to talk to you, read about you, and see what others think about you, I've learned you're as great a girl as any out there. I do hope that everything works out for you, from your health to Tony. I don't want you to ever think otherwise. There's just something about you that's easy to like, something that makes you loveable. Don't ever change. You are one of the people that I definitely have to meet if I ever go on a trip. Hell, everyone on here is, but you more than any of them just because of how much you've shown you care.

Karissa, you're probably the most mature 16 year-old girl on the face of this earth. You are no different from anyone else in how you feel about things except in one way: you express yourself. I love reading your journal and seeing what's up with you. I love that you have something in your life (Manuel) that means that much to you. Don't think I'm ever letting us lose touch with each other. You have another thing coming to you.

Jessica, thought I'd forget you, didn't you? We haven't talked as much lately, but I know you're a good girl. You'll find what you want soon. Just keep smiling that pretty smile of yours and you'll be fine. You have the personality that is easy to love. Just keep your head up.

Again, there are others, but those listed are the ones that have meant the most to me to this point in time. I had to do this.

I love all you guys, some more than others, but nonetheless, I do.

Thanks for being my friend.