February 27, 1999
That's just my whole point though. People are taking that drive up here to go to a club that doesn't exactly occupy a lot of space. I guess it's just one of those things that I don't quite understand or care to understand. I'm just not into that whole club scene thing, which puts an automatic strike against me in terms of coolness in most people's eyes.
They wouldn't think that way if they ever saw me try to dance. They'd be begging me to leave. Can I help it that I have no coordination?
I really want to just take an extensive amount of time off when I have some money and go on a trip across the country. I'd go and either buy or rent an RV and go traveling across this country of ours just because I'm so damned curious. It's just one of my itches, to travel abroad and see things. That's also the reason why I do things like I did tonight.
I'll just pick a highway and just follow it for a few miles, in this case, more than 45 to the south of Brunswick to an area somewhat near Mansfield. I don't when I decided I was going to do it, but I did. I guess I just wanted to go and drive around. It does give me a good chance to clear my mind, that's for sure, and it gives me a chance to see a little bit more of the state. More so, it quells my curiosity itch for a short period of time. That's just the whole thing though, it's only for a short time. It's almost a give-in that next weekend I'll be picking another direction and just letting things fly.
It did give me a real good chance to open up my mind and just think about things for a while. Not about the bad things that I've experienced, but about the good things that I have. I thought about how I had a mother who would do anything to make sure we all succeed, even if it means whooping our asses every now and then. I have friends, both online and offline, who are fun to be around and who care about how I turn out. I have a small group of relatives who are behind me 100% in the hopes that I'll turn out good.
I thought about how so many people seem to think that I'm a good person, that I'm someone who's worth it to talk to. I thought about Crystal, who through all her shit, is still as nice to me as she is to anyone. I thought about how strong her conviction is to her boyfriend that she'll stay with him even though he's not exactly good to her (five years is a lot to just end, I know that Crystal). I thought about how she smiles when I joke around with her and then blush when she says I'm adorable (I am not adorable or cute! I'm just nice.).
I thought about Jennifer, my favorite online person to talk with. I thought about how she was there for me when I was being such a crap head and how she refused to let me think things were never going to brighten. I thought about how much I really love her and how I'd just like to hear her say she wants to meet me as much as I want to meet her. I thought about how beautiful she was to me and how close she really is to me (both emotionally and location-wise). I thought about just how much I really love her. I almost think that I've fallen for her.
In short, I thought, which is something I do quite frequently. It's not a bad thing, is it?
So much shit has gone down in my life though. I think what I'm going to do is present a small piece of my childhood in this area each time I write so that you all can see just what I went through. I'll start with when I was really young, when I was in kindergarten, before things went to the shitter. It won't all be sad, nor will it all be good. Some of it might be funny (especially my opinions on myself) while some of it may be depressing. I'm not here to please people. Remember that. I'm here to release things, to let people know that things aren't always going to be bad, no matter how low you think you are.
I also don't want people to think that I'm one of those teens who has no self-esteem and who thinks that I have the worst life ever. No. I am NOT one of those teens. I feel have things very good and I won't ever stop thinking that. I'm not one to sit there and call myself a loser, or to say that I have no life. That's not my style, nor should it be anyone's style either.
But hey, you can't win them all. I suppose the world's more interesting with the mix of personalities.
It's storming outside now. I'm probably going to get fried at somepoint because of lightning and telephone cords and all that shit. Anyway, it's funny because our dog is just flipping out over the thunder. Rather than be scared like some animals, this dog's looking for a way out so that he might confront this "thing." Then again, this dog is weird as all hell. He takes on dogs twice his size, yet runs away from the cats. This dog once tried to attack our lawn mower, while it was going. It's just one of those things that doesn't quite make sense.
I should let him outside though. Let him face the storm. He'll be pawing at the door within minutes mainly because he's a pansy. He doesn't like getting wet. Go figure.
My mom's out of town for the weekend attending some seminar on something or other. Doesn't matter to me. I have to stay home and practically babysit. Imagine that. Me babysitting. Somehow the words don't quite go together at all. Then again, I suppose someone has to feed my little sister. God forbid that she actually cook something decent in her lifetime. Then again, she's always said she's never leaving home.
Hope my mom likes to watch MTV a lot.
I guess this "Club Jamz" up here in Brunswick is bigger than I thought. I was coming home from Medina when I noticed that this car I was behind seemed to be going to Brunswick too. I also noticed it was full of young, teenage girls who kept peeking back at me. That's not my point though. The point is, Medina's not exactly as close to Brunswick (especially where I was coming from) as one might think. It's actually a 30 minute drive.
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