Hopefully this page won't give me trouble like the other one did. New set of months, same old same old with me. Trying to get my financial situation under control among other things and trying to deal with a dad who just doesn't care.
• March 31, 1999
• March 26, 1999
• March 23, 1999
• March 22, 1999
• March 21, 1999
• March 11, 1999
• March 9, 1999
• March 6, 1999
• March 4, 1999
• February 27, 1999
• Feburary 26, 1999
• February 23, 1999
• February 22, 1999
• February 21, 1999
____________ February 19, 1999
I sold my pager back to the guy who had sold it to me in the first place the other day. I have good reasons for this, most important the one involving me getting a cell phone. After talking with my mom about it, I decided that if I'm going to have a personal form of communication, I should have a cell phone instead of a pager. Sounds good to me. Now all I have to do is raise the money for it.
Are people just idiots, or are they just so naive about thingst that they never quite understand things? It seems to me that some people are just dumb. Especially when it comes to medicines and prescription insurance. Everyone claims to know their plan, yet it almost always turns out that they don't know their plan after all. Take for example the choice between brand name and generic. Most insurance companies make you take the generic, and if you don't, they charge you your co-pay plus the difference in price between the brand and generic. What it leads to is usually along the lines of it being our fault. Then they call their benefits coordinator and find out they didn't quite know their plan. It's really just a big headache.
Work was okay today, despite the fact that we had a hectic period between 4 and 8:30pm when everyone seemed to be dropping their prescriptions off at the same time. It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I'm already trying to do a dozen things at once a lot of times. People seem to think that I know something about what to do in certain situations, or that I know where everything is in the store. Just because I've been working there for more than a year and a half doesn't mean I know everything. It is a good feeling though when you see people going to you for help. I guess I just don't like attention that much.
____________ February 18, 1999
Today was the day when I found out just what the cause of my stomach cramps is. As it stands, it's being termed as irritable bowl syndrome, which means that I have to start taking more medicine and start eating more food with fiber. I'm so giddy about that one that I'm just jumping out of my chair. Okay, maybe there's a hint of sarcasm in that thought.
@ @ @ I just can't avoid hitting my knees on things, can I? Today, I somehow managed to walk into a chair with my right knee, resulting in a deep bruise. It hurts like hell too. The bell had just rang, so I was making my way to the door when someone got up out of their chair. Well, rather than push it back towards the table and out of the middle of the walkway, they left it right in the middle, where I managed to hit it. I must have hit it pretty good too, of course, the fact that the chair was metal didn't help.
@ @ @ I wonder just how many more times my family must watch "The Three Musketeers," the one with Charlie Sheen and Chris O'Donnell that's just absolutely funny, unless you've seen it a million times like I have. I mean, a movie can only be funny so many times, and this one is definitely growing old on me. It's a good movie, it's just that you can only watch it so many times before wondering just why someone spent money to watch it. I can't knock it too much though. Someone might get mad at me, especially since it's a Disney film, and I've already been yelled at for my Disney-bashing escapades.
____________ February 17, 1999
I had a thought the other day, but I forgot what it was about five minutes later. Oops. Anyway, I think I'm going to do a couple of things with the My Life set up. First off, Rather than sticking four periods between different subjects, I may actually just use the traditional separation of paragraphs. Secondly, I never imagined that I'd write as often as I have with this thing this month, so I'm going to give March its own page with the extension "febmar99b.html." If I had thought I was going to write this much and this often, I would have just put this in a monthly format. Now watch next month I rarely write. That would be funny.
I was watching "20/20" on ABC tonight about what just may have caused the tragic death of Phil Hartman and his wife. Turns out that his wife had a mixture of alcohol, cocaine, and the prescription drug Zoloft in her system at the time of the shooting. Their family has hired a lawyer, but rather than take into consideration that she was on cocaine and alcohol when she did this, he's choosing to focus on the Zoloft as the main reason she did it. He's in the process of preparing a lawsuit against Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company that manufactures Zoloft claiming that the medicine was the reason she did this. I see several things wrong with this lawsuit. Number one, it's just the usual case where the family needs to blame someone, so rather than think that it was Phil's wife's fault that she was high and drinking, they blame the whole thing on a medicine that specifically says that you should not drink alcohol while taking it. Needless to say, cocaine would also be something you would not want to mix together with an anti-depressant.
Secondly, I find it silly that the lawyer could even think that Zoloft did it. Once again, he's overlooking the fact that she was on drugs and alcohol in addition to the Zoloft. By themselves the cocaine and alcohol is dangerous. Throw in an anti-depressant, and you have a formula for disaster. This wasn't the fault of Pfizer, it was her fault all the way. The family needs to realize it can't blame her mistake on the company that made this drug. It's just plain stupid.
I think I may be a bit cranky today. I just haven't felt well all day, I didn't get much sleep last night, and I just feel miserable. In addition, I get to go my doctor tomorrow and finally discover just what the hell my problem is with my stomach. Unless of course I just get another order for more tests. In that case, I'll just have to throw a fit. Besides, I haven't thrown a fit in such a long time. I'm probably out of practice.
I was at school yesterday and couldn't help but think just how quickly people jump onto fad bandwagons. Since when did people start braiding their hair again? I thought this was something that went on when I was a freshman and then quickly passed. Then I walk into school Tuesday and see about half of the sophomore girls with their hair braided. They all looked ridiculous, then again, the sophomores just seem to be itching for attention. It's funny actually, just how many try to pass themselves off as the coolest s--ts to ever walk in the school. It's even more fun to then smash their ego and bring them back into reality. Then again, most of them are so immature, I wouldn't let them into a preschool class.
What I really love are the pants that just seem to swallow them up whole. It just boggles the mind that someone would wear pants that could hold three people. It's just the silliest thing I've ever seen in my life. It's one thing to wear baggy jeans. It's another thing to wear jeans that could pass as dresses in some cases. I just can't figure it out. Then again, I could never figure out my generation as it is.
____________ February 15, 1999
Can you believe that My Life is now over a year old? I can't. I never imagined that this little project would still be up a month later, much less a year later. Goes to show you how much this thing has helped in dealing with things and with stress. Don't expect anything special for the anniversary though. Mainly because I forgot about it until about two minutes ago and would have had to scrap things up at the last second....I'm in utter disbelief over what my co-worker Crystal did. She always talks about how she never has any money for anything since she moved from Cleveland to Strongsville. So what do I find out when I arrive at work? That she's bought herself a sound system. Pretty hefty investment for someone who claims to never have any money. I know that her checks aren't much (she makes about $100 a week), but I don't think she honestly knows what it's like to not have any money to work with from week to week. I make about $160 a week, but I have a car payment of $100 to make each week, other bills and expenses, and I wind up with about $10-20 in my checking account by the end of the week. I could never afford a sound system for my car. Basically her claims of not having money are almost complete bulls--t. I can't hate her though. She's so nice to me, I just can't be mad at her. I still can't believe she did that though. Silly girl....I'm still trying to figure out why I'm in such a good mood lately. I'm almost positive that someone's put something in my food, but I can't prove it. I just know that I've done nothing but smile, crack jokes, and make people happy. It's been really weird too. I can't quite explain what's happened to me. I think that it has to do with the return of my appetite. Now that I'm actually eating at a healthy level again, my energy's up, therefore my spirits are up and I'm not easily discouraged. Compare that to when I first heard my dad was in jail. Then again, I've always reacted to news like that in a quick and ill-tempered manner. It just took me a little longer to get my senses back together again. I'm quick to react, but I'm usually quick to calm down too. Oh well. Maybe it's just one big phase in my life. Kind of like the terrible twos.
____________ February 14, 1999
I personally do not like Valentine's Day, but for those who do, I can understand why it's such a big deal. For some, it's the chance to show their loved one just how much they care. However, for retailers, it's a chance to make some real money. I've heard of florists charging $60 for roses, which is about $20 more than usual, give or take a few dollars. But that's not my point. My point is, if you like this holiday and you have someone to share it with, then by all means do so. I may bash it to death, but I'm not going to tell someone else how to celebrate it. That's not my way of doing things. I present my opinion only, not try to change someone else's or bash the for what they think. Anyway, this day means something to a lot of people. I can at least respect that....Today is just continuing the streak of good days that I've had within the last few days. I don't know exactly what it is, but I've just been full of energy lately. Maybe it was the tests that were done on my stomach that did it. Let's see, I regain my appetite and am suddenly full of energy? Makes sense to me, almost. I feel invigorated now, like I can finally get things going down the right stretch. I have confidence in just about everything I do and I feel that I'm not going to be stopped now, no matter what I try. I also feel that I've become more enjoyable lately. Rather than rant and rave about what my dad's done, I've focused on what I can do to make things work and get things moving again. F--k my dad. If he isn't going to be there, then I should. I still feel it's up to me to make things right. It's just that I'm thinking about things in a more positive light now.
____________ February 13, 1999
Well, it's the day before Valentine's Day, and I for one am just not too eager on this holiday, and that seems to be the general opinion of those I talked to. One person went so far as to say that it's almost as pointless as Sweetest Day (which I think is a useless day). Sure, if you have a girlfriend or are married, this holiday could mean something to you, yet many people are unattached. My disposition with this holiday lies in the fact that it appears to be more and more a commercial holiday with stores stocking up on "your favorite gifts for that special someone" at outrageous prices in most cases. I go to a store and the first thing I see is the Valentine's Day display with all sorts of special deals. Even where I work it's ridiculous. We now have all of this Valentine's Day junk sitting on the floor that didn't sell that we have to get rid of for the Easter set-up. Now there's a holiday worth celebrating. Okay, maybe it's because I'm a sucker for chocolate. I don't know....I bought a new CD the other day, Silkk the Shocker's "Made Man." I have to admit, I was rather surprised how good it sounded. Especially when you compare it to "Charge it 2 Da Game," which I thought was rather s--ty. There are some really good songs on "Made Man," many of which break No Limit's standard of fast beats and short songs. There are a couple of songs with steady beats, that last more than 4 minutes, and following the lead of Mystikal on "Ghetto Fabulous," the guests aren't limited to No Limit artists. Mya and Jay-Z both make appearances on two of the better songs on the CD, while Master P has a prominent part of several tracks. Silkk though is the star of this CD, as he should be. I don't know what it is. I just like the way he raps on songs....To everyone who has a reason to enjoy Valentine's Day, I hope it's fun to you. I also want to tell Jennifer (jenbabe_@hotmail.com) that I love you. Other than that, I hate this holiday.
____________ February 8, 1999
I have been smart-ass number one all day today, and I really don't know why that is. It seems that anyone I saw became a victim of my tirade of insults, jokes, and word games that I love so much. I swear someone's putting something in my food supply or something, because today I was just terrible at times. Of course, if people wouldn't set themselves up so bad, I wouldn't have anything to say. I think I've calmed down though, especially someone called me mean out of fun. It just struck a nerve because I don't like to be called that, whether it be joking or serious. I think a lot of my energy disappeared at that point and I spent the rest of the night fighting my own mind, which kept wandering into other areas. Also, this appetite of mine has to slow down at some point. I just have been unable to stop eating the last couple of days, and I really don't know why this is happening. Must be all those X-rays they pumped into my stomach when I was having those tests done. That brings me to another thing; I seriously hope that nothing's wrong with my stomach. I'm starting to think it may not be lactaid that's causing my cramps because they happened after I ate something that was non-dairy. I'm really starting to wonder what's going on, and at the same time I curious as to what's causing this. I want to know so that I can find a way to solve the problem. I don't want to live with stomach problems the rest of my life. I guess I'll find out in due time.
____________ February 7, 1999
I think I may be trying too hard to do too much with not enough time or resources. I think the reason why I'm feeling such a burden on my shoulders is directly linked to how my dad's wound up. Everything he's done in his life to this point has led to his current disposition, that of being in jail. It still feels weird to say that though. My dad is in jail. It just doesn't sound right. It's not something that a kid should ever have to say or think about, but it's happened before too. It's not just "my dad's in jail." It's "my dad's in jail, again." Nobody should ever have to say those words. No one should ever have to live without either of their parents or worry about what might happen next. I have to live with those things though. All day I've been thinking about that and what his actions have done to my family and me. Instead of going on vacations every year like some families I know, we stay at home and are forced to twiddle our thumbs because my dad has blown off any money that he had. When I was in third grade my mom and dad were planning a trip to Florida. It never happened because my dad spent all the vacation money at bars and on drugs. I can remember thinking how much I wanted to go on a vacation, but wasn't going now because my dad had no sense of responsibility. Later we did end up going to Kentucky and to Mammoth Cave and to Kings Island on the way back home. Even that trip was tainted by things that weren't very memorable. I remember thinking how nice it would have been to just stay in the cave and not have to worry about things again. I got over that quickly though. It was dark in there. I digress though. Today I've spent all day thinking. About what's happened, about what's happening, and what lies down the road. I see graduation coming. I see summer and the thoughts of things going right. I just have to make it through the next few months and everything will be all right.
____________ February 5, 1999
Today was the big day. The day when I go in, drink some nasty liquid, and have x-rays taken of my stomach. Today was the day when I found out whether I am to live, or to die. Okay, maybe not; the results aren't back yet. Today was the day when I had my Upper GI done though. I had to drink this liquid that tasted kind of like Mylanta, only it was 10 times thicker. I also had to swallow these tablets that fizzed in my mouth. I actually liked that part a little more than I should have. Anyway, I drank that crap, swallowed the gas tablets, and stood against a bed that was straight up, at least until they shocked the hell out of me by moving it into a more horizontal position. Then they took all these x-rays of my stomach. I mean a lot of pictures. They just kept pumping those x-rays into my fragile body and made me drink more liquid since I apparently hadn't drinken enough to be tortured just yet. Then they made me wait five minutes before taking more pictures and poked me a bit. In actuallity, the test wasn't that bad. I wasn't concerned at the time about any results they might have had, but that's because my mind was preoccupied by one thing: food. I hadn't eaten for more than 29 hours before I finally got to eat again. I haven't stopped either. Hey, I have 29 hours to make up here, so I figure to be eating at least for five more hours. In any case, I now have to wait for the results to come back, then go to my doctor to figure out what's happening next. I'm probably just lactose intolerant. Which will piss me off because I just love milk, ice cream, milk shakes, cheese (and cheese jokes for some reason), and other dairy products. That kind of irritates me. I did manage to take my science proficiency test before going to the hospital, so I don't have to make it up or anything. Otherwise, it's been a normal day. Did I mention I made a car payment too?
____________ February 4, 1999
I don't know how much longer I can go without eating at this point in time. I'm going crazy with hunger, but because I have to have those tests done on my stomach at 9:30 tomorrow morning, I can't eat at all. Just wait until I'm out of the hospital and finished with the tests. I will NOT stop eating until I've made up all the lost time....We took our citizenship test today. I can't believe how easy it was either. Some of the questions were incredibly stupid, especially the ones involving the unclear map of China, but they were so easy, it made me laugh. I think everyone in my homeroom was finished by 8:00 am (testing went until 9:11), so we all went to sleep for an hour or so. There was one question in particular that had even teachers shaking their heads. It involved a comparison of our government to the government of Canada. Just one problem with that question; not once during the last few years have we even been giving scant information on Canada's government. It's not even in the cirriculum, but they asked a question on it anyway. I guess it was one of those questions that they were considering counting in next year's test. It doesn't matter though. We have just the science test left to go, and from early peeks at it, it doesn't look entirely too challenging to me. There are questions that we were asked back in fifth grade it seems, that have made it to the test. I should have it done before 8 again. I have to leave by 9 am tomorrow anyway so that I can go to Southwest Hospital and have the tests done. Should be a fun day.
____________ February 2, 1999
Two down, three to go. Today we had our reading proficiencies. I really had forgotten what a pain in the ass the tests had been for us to take back in eighth grade. Only this time we don't need to pass them to graduate, which leaves us a little short on incentive to pass. Our incentive is if you pass all five tests, you don't have to take any final exams and you get a $500 scholarship. Oooh, I'm just bursting with enthusiasm for this program of tests which are only there to aggravate us and to show just how stupid some of us really are. Okay, maybe it's not that bad, but even I have to agree that there really isn't any point to taking these tests. All it's doing is wiping out a week's worth of my first two classes while some of my other classes are taking it slow because our brains become warped during those tests. I don't know what it is about those tests either. It seems that they just make you uncontrollably tired and no one seems to know why. Especially the reading test. As soon as some people finished their test, their head seemed to just hit the desk while their test floated gently to the ground. I just couldn't figure it out. Even I almost fell asleep, and I don't sleep in school. Hopefully the math test isn't so boring. It does have about 12 more questions, so it may take a little longer. It only took me an hour to finish today's test. It was just stupid....The anger and depression inside of me has tamed down a bit since yesterday. I was back to being a trouble-maker at work, which led to several kicks to the shin from my co-worker Jenny. I swear if you look at her she kicks you so hard that you think that your shin caved in. I was nice to her most of the night, she just does things that irk me so I end up going back on the offensive. I even told her that I had been nice to her, but if she was going to play the part of bitch that I was going to be a smart-ass to her. How did she react to that? She kicked me.
____________ February 1, 1999
I just never thought that things could much worse than they already were. I'm still in disbelief and angry over my dad finding his way back to jail. It's not so much that he's in jail that has me irked. It's the fact that he probably knew about it and wasn't going to tell us. There's a lot of s--t he didn't tell us which is why we can never trust him or believe that he's going to do something. I feel betrayed. I feel angry. I feel depressed because I now feel a bigger strain has been put on my shoulders, of which are already to the point of being overburdened. I don't know what the hell to do right now. I don't know what I can do right now. I need a shoulder to cry on now more than ever before. Not just someone to listen to me. Someone that I can actually put my arms around and just talk to. I don't have that though, which always seems to make things worse. Yet at the same time, I feel that I shouldn't bring anyone into this. I don't anyone to worry about me. I know that someone will, it invariably happens all the time. I don't want people to feel sorry for me though. I feel cheap when that happens. I don't know why. Maybe it's my moral conscience working against me like always. I do know that I will get through this though. I have to. I feel that I have something to prove now, that I have to show that I won't turn out like my dad did. I have an even stronger conviction to do so. I'm not religious though. I just feel that I have to go out and show that I learned from my dad's mistakes, something the a--hole can't seem to on his own. I just have to ask him one question. Why? Why do you continue to dig yourself a deeper hole? I sure don't know why. I really don't care why. I just want him to shape up and stop f---ing up our lives. For the sake of those around us.
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