August 1998

August is the last month of summer before school begins. What will this month hold for myself?

August 22

I'm at the point where I just want to start murdering people at work right now, and it's due mainly to incompetence, as usual. I'm getting tired of getting yelled at for standing, even when I'm not loafing around, then seeing three people standing around at the front register area talking about their social lives. This bothers me because I'm usually busting my ass on the floor when I see this, so it hits a nerve that usually isn't hit. It gets to me so much, and I've seen it so much lately that I've wanted to just go off on people. It's one thing to talk while working on something, but it's a totally different story when nothing's getting done. I can't stand it anymore and I'm tired of taking the fall over this bulls--t....If anyone's e-mailed me in the last week or so, you probably are wondering why you haven't gotten any reply. Truth be told that I haven't felt like writing to anyone lately (I've been distancing myself from others again) and haven't checked my mail in the last five days or so, nor have I done any serious work on this web site either. It's not any of you that's the problem, it's myself. I'm trying to sort through about a hundred different feelings right now, and I have to do it alone at this point. I'm pissy, and I don't want to get any people upset, which is also why I haven't been answering our phone at home lately either.

August 18

The wear and tear of working this summer may have finally caught up with me this last week or so. I have not been myself, and while others may not have been able to see it, I've been reacting to things in ways that I don't normally react in. Things that I'd normally brush aside or joke about are being taken personally by me, and it's hard for me to sit there and stop it. I may be stressed out, I may be tired, or I may just be fed up with all the s--t I've dealt with in my life. I'm not myself, which means that I have to warn others that I may say things that I don't mean at all so that those around me don't take offense towards my actions. This is especially critical at work where I've been really touchy the last few days. I've lost control of my emotions, and I don't know when I'll regain control of them, if ever at this point. It sure as hell doesn't help to have no one I feel I can talk to and explain my situation. It's taking its toll on me, and I'm damn sure it's taking its toll on those around me, if not now then in the future. I need to regain control of my emotions and feelings before something happens that I'll regret for a long time.

August 16

Just what is the point of having feelings when they can get so screwy on you that it drives you buggy? This whole summer has been filled with conflicting feelings on my part, and I think that part of it has to do with my presence online for almost a year and a half right now. Why must I meet people online, even if they live near me, only to see something go wrong one way or another that pretty much ends any friendship that might have built? To me, meeting people online is now a thought that I don't think about simply because of the risk of deception on either end of the arrangement. You can't know for sure just what someone looks like or just how they will act because the internet gives people added confidence. That kid you'd never hear speak in person could be the biggest loudmouth online simply because it's just too hard to intimidate someone online. I've never felt threatened when talking with people, and I've laughed at people when they've threatened me because without certain vital information, they'll never find me in their life. Anyone who knows that can have bragging rights online. I don't necessarily think that way, but it exists. Right now though, I'm going through too much s--t to worry about that. I'm feeling sick lately, and a lot of thoughts have been running through my head. I'm also sick of this whole single game that I'm a part of, and that I've been part of since 1996. It's gotten really old, and it doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon for me. I guess I just have to deal with it as is the case with everything, and everyone else in my life.

August 13

I don't know why I've been as sappy as I've been in the last few days, but it's all linked to the fact that I've just been tired the last few days and my emotions have been flying out the door. It may have to do with the fact that I'm learning how to be a pharmacy tech at work, or it could be a combination of things, and it's probably the latter in this case. I'm learning a new position at work, trying to get ready for school again, and battling emotions that deal with other things as well. It's all coming together at the wrong time, and I just need to figure out how to handle everything that's going on right now. Once I do that, and get the first week of school out of the way, I should be just fine. Key word being "should" in this case. The long run will be the real test for myself and those around me who have to deal with my moody ass....That's the other thing that has me baffled; I've been as moody these last two weeks as I've ever been in my entire life, and I can't figure it out for the life of me. I'm afraid that it's going to start affecting those around me, if it already hasn't. I'm also losing my appetite again, and that is not a good sign at all.

August 7

The dog days off August really are here, aren't they? As the temperature rises, many must remember to take it easy when it gets as muggy as it did today. We not have temperatures in the upper 90s and low 100s, but upper 80s and muggy is still a dangerous combination. So that big project in the yard you were just getting around to doing? Forget it, unless you want to risk health problems because even the healthiest of people can go down when it's as warm as it was today....I'm just starting to get into the mentality, and realism, of being trained as a pharmacy technician. I've been wrestling with the decision of whether or not to abandon the floor work that I've become skilled at and regarded as one of the better ones at to go into an area where I have virtually no experience. I'm taking the challenge because, 1)it broadens my horizons even more so. Who knows if I take a sudden interest in being a pharmacist, although that's not likely. 2)It gives me a chance to be up front by the registers so that I can talk with some of the other associates so that I'm not doing work by myself. 3)It gives me something new and challenging to try. Let's face it, the floor was starting to get tedious, especially being the one who was always fixing mistakes. I was just getting the point where I wanted to strangle someone every time I saw the bulls--t that I saw. And, 4)I really feel I have no choice. I feel it would be easier to train myself, someone who's already partially familiar with the pharmacy operations, than bringing in someone totally new and who had no experience and even risk having no intelligence. That caught me off guard when I was actually complimented by my assistant when he said that they were at least using someone with some intelligence. You must understand, we compliment each other rarely, especially when it's deserved because we have more fun making fun of each other. That's how we normally compliment each other. So, I'm in it for the long haul it looks like. Fasten your safety belts, we're about to hit some turbulence.

August 5b

I'm not going to go out and say that today was a bad day, nor would I say that today I was crabby, it was just that something had me down all day today and, while I haven't been able to discuss it too well lately, I know what it is. I was down today, and my co-worker Crystal noticed it mainly because she can read my attitudes like I'm a book. So instead of me trying to get her to smile a bit, like normal, she spent the day trying to get me going, and she did to a point. Any point that I smiled, she made sure that I knew that I had smiled, and she made concentrated efforts to keep my spirits from sinking. I do have to say that she at least learned one aspect of the floor right, that is using the last five numbers of the UPC number on a product and matching it up with the five numbers on the corresponding label. I was happy to see her doing that without my having to mention it, so at least someone knows how to do something right. That brings me to another point, and that involves the tear I went on after my lunch on the floor. Rather than sit there and do work slowly, something kick-started me in the backroom to get it straightened out a little bit and put some of the boxes of product (known as full case) out onto the floor where they belonged. Not only does the backroom look halfway decent again, the floor is stocked a bit now. If I could only get people to stop overstocking things, we'd be in good shape.

August 5

This is actually writing about the fourth, but it's the fifth right now, so that's how I'll date it. Anyway, this day was, well a goofy one for me personally although I was struggling with various thoughts in my head, which shall remain confidential for the time being. My manager announced to me that I'll probably be scheduled up in the pharmacy starting with when he goes on vacation pending a talk with the chief pharmacist. I don't know whether or not to embrace this opportunity, or to dread it for what it could hold consequentially. It does broaden my horizons, but it also puts me in a position for experiences that are less than pleasant. My laid back attitude at work is going to be very important for a while. At least he hired a new associate, a young 16 year-old girl to begin Thursday. I have to admit that she is a cutie, but that's all I can admit right now since I do have to train her. I don't know what to think at this point in time exactly, other than she'd better be a good worker, otherwise her tenure with us could be a short one. This is just a situation however, where only time will tell just what happpens at work. My future isn't certain at my job, and I'm considered one of the few who isn't expected to leave right away, which makes me think that there's a slight dependence on me, even if it is slight.