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Upheaval. That is what life is all about for me right now. So many things happened in the past three or four days that threw my perception of my life out of whack that it makes my head spin. First of all, my couisn Holly is moving in with us TONIGHT.Now if you'll remeber, I was all for the move three months ago and in the abstract I still am, but before we had time to prepare, before we had a plan. Now it is just my dad and I standing here muttering as mom informs us unceremoniously that she is bringing Holly back to stay. It was kind of a big kick in the ass. The conversation went like this "how is Holly doing?" "Oh she's coming back with me." "You mean to stay? How long?" "As long as she needs to...but don't tell dad yet, I want to tell him." "Sure." I wouldn't have wanted to tell him.
Now don't get me wrong here, I want Holly to be down here and I find just a slight amount of humor that she is coming down here and I am heading up there in a couple of weeks. Maybe it isn't funny but oh well. At any rate she is going to be down here tonight and that is that.
Next along Patrick's smorges board of situations that are changing how he does things, I am now no longer single. This comes as quite a shock to me. I was not expecting anything really, and in fact had called off a relationship in its formative stages because I felt unprepared and not ready. I suppose that is what happens though. See I have never had a healthy progression on these things. I always jump the gun and go into it because I feel like I need a relationship. Like I can't be happy unless I have a woman around to make me happy. I have realized how much bullshit I was full of( I realize I am ending this sentence with a preposition but sue me). So I have been very adament about not going into a relationship for the wrong reasons, as I have every other time before. Not this time though. I know this sounds like the pep talk one gives themselves when entering the Honeymoon stage and trying to put thoughts of disaster out of their minds, but I really don't think this is one of those times. I have spent close to 2 years refining myself into a more functional person, one who knows the value of self and of others, but without over playing either hand. Certainly I don't feel like I've grown all I can, that would be nothing more than stupid, ignorant arrogance but I do believe that it is the time for this. I am constanly second guessing myself on these issues, but that is usually because I am in the process of settling at the time. I don't get that feeling this time. The way I felt was this "she couldn't be into because she is exactly what you are looking for(except that she is a republican but I can live with it..she's a moderate)so why don't you just kick it as friends and slink of to find someone more your speed." I said "no." So at anyrate I feel as if I have come to this naturally and with forcing or settling and it feels right. FOr probably the first time in the history of relationships it feels like it is the place I need to be in. It is a good feeling. Okay so I won't gush any more.
So those are two big things, the other of which is my up coming black belt. that is in about five weeks and I am getting nervous about it. I feel that in some respects I am ready and in others I am nowhere near ready for it. Of course this worry is for nothing because I am going to go and get it and kick ass doing it. I do expect a paradigm shift afterwards though. I haven't done a lot of talking to black belts about what goes on mentally after black belt but I should. I don't know what to expect but it is a big step for me, one I have been training for for over 4 years(was officially four on sunday) and the attainment of this high level, or more to the point the step at which I really begin to learn, will have to do something mentally and emotionally. whatever way it goes I know that I will do the best I can and I only hope that I can carry myself with the black belt standard.
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