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Well this is the second time that I've written this, the first got erased somehow so here I am writing shit again. So here is the thing, my friend Marsh once put forth the idea that things happen in 3's. Good things, bad things, whatever else all happen in 3's. Well as you all know who read this thing, I have had two big upheavals of my way of going about things, both good things. The third, which happened on wednesday is bad. Now it really isn't a hugely bad thing, not earth shattering and in light of the problems that my family has been encountering of late it really shouldn't even rank. Still being who and what I am it bothered me pretty badly. I was asked by my teacher not to take japanese.
I need to qualify this by first saying that he wasn't doing it to be a dick head or anything, but rather out of a genuine concern for me, I could tell that much. He said that my grade was borderline last semester and in terms of grades I could take this section but he didn't feel that I was prepared to survive in this course. Once again, he was not being an ass or anything, but it still felt like a nice solid kick to the groin. I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. As it turns out I beat the living shit out of my punching bag and then threw up a lot.
As those of you who know me personally can attest to, I take this sort of failure personally. My initial reaction was quite bad to say the least...I way internalized it and felt like a failure. The truth is that I still do in a way, occasionally feeling pangs of depression and hopelessness. I regard the language with a melancholy that I haven't previously experienced...It just makes me sad.
I am not going to give up the ghost with this thing. Next semseter I am going to take it again at the UofA, which is supposed to be easier anyway. That would help because a large part of the problem was my workload. If the class is better at the U then that will take a bit of pressure off.
What I need to drill into my head is that doing well at japanese to be a good person. I too closely identify with what I do. When I do well I feel like a proper person and when I do poorly then I feel like a poor person. The trick is that if I do badly, that doesn't mean that I am any less of a man, just that I need to work harder and do better. Of course that sort of thing is easier said than done. I feel that it is an important step for myself to even recognize the situation. Now I can do something about it.
In other news, life is otherwise good. Things with Mary(my girlfriend) are going along very well although I am still terrified of screwing up. Matt is doing better, Holly is doing well and everything is set up room wise now. Classes at the U are going well and everything seems right with the world. Now if I could only make this sentence true:
Watashi wa nihon go o hanashimasu.
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