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Well here it is March 1st. I just got home from my Uncle's Clyde's triple by-pass surgery. It had been expected that it would be a quadruple bi-pass but evidently the fourth was unneccessary. As of the time I left the hospital, after an eight hour wait, he was doing very well and had gotten throught the surgery with no complications. This is obviously very good. The next 12-18 hours are something of a waiting period because things could still go wrong but if he makes it until tomorrow morning then he is in the clear and at this point there is no reason to believe that he won't make it.
This was hard on everyone in the family, at least more so than the obvious amount. My grandfather died having the exact same operation and it was in this stage now that it happened. When I left the hospital, I think everyone was really happy but I felt that same awareness that I had of Papa and how that went down. I felt somewhat ineffectual as most people do in these situations because truly there was nothing to be done. I did what I could to take Zack, my 11 year old cousin's mind off of it, and I tried to be positive for my cousins whose father it was and I hope that I helped. It struck me on the way home that no one tries to keep my mind off of these things and I wonder if it may be that the reason I am so intent on keeping their minds off of it is because in doing so it keeps MY mind off of it too.
i don't deal particularly well with hospital situations. I am like most people, not liking the place, feeling weird. But it is for the loved one who is recieving care that we do it. I think that is important because when the person is in surgery or going to go or whatever stage, then you must do everything to make them feel comfortable and safe and most importantly loved because if the unthinkable happens and the person dies, then everything else you do is for you. I believe that when you mourn for someone you love who dies, you are not sad for them. For them everything is over. I believe in heaven and to that end they have gone on to a better place, but even if you don't believe in an afterlife, it is over. THe person isn't feeling shit. The loved one who has died is no longer alive and therefore, funerals, flowers, epitaths, eulogies, statues, motorcades, and all of those things don't do anything for the person. Mourning is for those of us who now have this void in our lives, this great sadness for the loss of that person. Mourning is really kind of selfish when you think about it. It is all about the survivors and them feeling sad.
Now before you think I am callous, I need to say that there is nothing at all wrong with mourning. People have to do it. We need to shed that emotion and get it out or there can be no healing. What my point is is that a lot of us are caught up in our own shit and don't go visit that relative in the hospital, yet they are available after death because of how awful it all is. I think the awful part is when the loved one is suffering and has no one to be there with him or her. I don't think attending the funeral is anywhere near as important as visiting prior to death. I have all the time in the world to mourn but I have a limited amount of time to spend with my loved ones. We think of our lives as infinite, at least in terms of the things we do. Running gags and personal habits give thigns a sense of permenance that perhaps they don't deserve. How many times do you suppose you will talk with your mother or father on the phone? How many times do you think you will bake cookies with your children or friends? These things are all measured in finite amounts. They may be huge numbers, you may have 150 phone conversations or even a thousand but then again you may only have one. We as humans never know when we are going to die and because of that we can take NOTHING for granted. I don't say all of this to be depressing but merely to say that we cannot put things off like we have all the time of the world because we just simply don't. I think about this constantly. I really want to spend as much time with my loved ones as possible and try to make the best of every moment because I never know when that moment will be my last. If your life does actually flash before your eyes, I want to see a full life, one in which I have persued the things that have made me happy. I want to see my family and friends and know that I made the most of my time with them. I don't want to see the drone of work and missed opportunity. THat isn't a life at all.
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