So I didn't go to my class today. I couldn't get to sleep until like four in the morning. It sucked pretty big time. So I am sitting here in this odd sort of funk. I don't know what's up with me right now. I feel almost giddy in a way but at the same time a bit sad and generally put upon. It doesn't make too much sense I know but that is where I am at. It doesn't make much sense to me either. I wish I were in a normal state of mind, if that sort of thing were truely possible. As it is I sit here looking at my computer screen, going thgough the motions of my day. Checking the email that isn't there, checking the site to see if anyone else has looked(nope) and wanting desperately to have something on here useful to do. This routine get's me no where yet still I persist daily, going through all the motions yet finding little if any pleasure in it.
So here I am plunking away on the keyboard all the while hoping I can find someone to be with. The looming holidays make me thik about it more, yet I can't figure out what to do about it. I always sound like this, always sound the same...all of this whining and no doing. You know what I am doing? WHinning about it on my website. Great, that is just great.
But truely , where do I go? what do I say? What is this missing key? what is it that I need to do? I feel awful. Unattractive, undsirable all that. I wish I knew what I should do. In the long run it doesn't matter that much I suppose. I need to concentrate on other things. I just can't fight the notion that if I were happier on some basic level that I would be more effecient. Get more done. THat isn't necessarily true. It could be a distraction that completely ruins my school and everything that I need to take care of. Or maybe it is somewhere in between. I guess what it boils down to in the long run is that what happens happens and I shouldn't worry so much because that worry is the real hindring distraction.
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