Well here I am the night before my first mid-term feeling like crap. That isn't anything profound or anything but I am tired of that constant state. What is up isn't the lame ass feelings of inadequacies or anything but just that I feel much like a used rag at the moment. It is the same old crap of course. Just too much to do. Karate was very good for me tonight though. It got my mind off of the stuff I have going on and I was able to just concentrate on the katas and wazas(if you don't know what those are email me and I'll tell you). That is important. If I hadn't I would have probably passed out earlier.
Japanese went decently today. I made only a few screw ups but it generally went well. That makes me feel very good. I failed so badly the last time I was in this class that now that I am doing well it makes all the difference in the world. I have never been good at languages and this one is hard as hell. Still I am working very hard and finally I have something to show for it. It is the only real accomplishment I feel like I've had lately.
Chris just did a graphic design thing that he probably won which is going to get him a bunch of money and his graphic on like 5000 books. This is great for him and I am very happy but in the baser part of me I feel somewhat envious. You know why? Because I feel like I haven't achieved anything comparable to that. Not to take away from Chris's achievement. He worked his ass off and deserves it all the way. Perhaps that is the problem though. HE worked that hard. I wonder if I can work that hard on anything. Really, even things I am into I never do that well. THere is some basic problem with me in that regard. I never seem to be able to put enough work into something to satisfy myself with it. I always feel like I am just janging out on the fringes of things, never being great and never achieving noterity. Now granted I am only 22 but when should I excell? If I say that it is okay to be mediocre now, it will continue to be mediocre for the rest of my life. Still for all my bluster I seem to fall short when it comes to actually working on something at getting it down.
Chris is wanting me to start playing the bass in case I need to for the band, and that scares me. It is the sort of thing that I would always feel disconnected from even if I took lessons from a master. I can never stop from feeling like a fraud. I have always had this problem since I was a kid. Anytime I do anything I have never felt like the real deal. I feel good about Karate sometimes, I feel at home writing sometimes too but in general I feel inept and desperate.
I never know when I really have something or when it is all talk. People say if you have to question that then you probably are real because the fakers don't worry about it, but I don't know. I just wish I could find a way to view myself that doesn't include the following : doubt, loathing,trepidetion, or any of that other negative crap I do to myself. As it is I have a hard time feeling proud of my achievements. Everything I've done well at or won an award for has a 'yeah but' attatched to it. I try to tell myself to just ignore that and feel good for the achievement but I can't do that. I can't ignore things that are so blatantly in front of me. I guess, however, at the end of the day the important is that I am, in fact, alive and can wake up the next morning and do whatever it is I do. It doesn't sound like much but it is a lot better than what a good deal of other people have going for them. And that is that.
Get your own Free Home Page