Well here we are again at Bodhi's wide world of psychosis. You know I feel like I am writing a case study book on depression instead of a journal. but dammit if I don't feel miserable all the time. Now at risk of sounding like a broken record, what do I have to do to earn the respect of my friends, peers and elders? I feel my effort is rewarded with no recognition. If I do well at Japanese no one cares even to the extent that they feel that it is easy. It isn't. Its a damn hard language and I am busting my ass trying to get it. If I do well at Karate, I am discounted because evidently I talk about it all the time. I haven't mentioned it to anyone in awhile for just that purpose but still it is a taboo subject around Nicole because she's 'just not in the modd to hear about it.' It isn't as if I ramble for hours on the intracaies of the head lock or anything but myabe I am proud of some accomplishment and want to share it. This applies to every aspect of my life.
My point is that I don't feel that I am taken seriously regardless of what I do to help or how hard I work at something. I feel a need to be validated and I have not felt that in a long time. I shouldn't look to others for this validation, I should look within myself and except and appreciate what I do well as opposed to concentrating on what others do. But that isn't enough for me. Kind of person I am, I need to have other people around. I am very into sharing with people; thoughts, feelings, rumminations, and accomplishments. HEll it is fucking obvious that I like sharing or I wouldn't post this on the internet. I feel good when I share. I don't particularly care if anyone agrees with me, or even if they like what I am saying. I just want to feel as if what I have said or done has mattered on some level to someone else besides me. I just want to feel as if I am cared about, and I rarely ever do.
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