February 6, 2000

A lot has happened since last I wrote. I did drop French to be a TA for a teacher I tend to like a lot more (no offense). It's nice to not worry so much--French was a big worry class for me.

I think [some funny things I'm doing] have to do with me wanting to become a new person when we move. Every little aspect counts.

I wonder what I'll do when I grow up. There's so much I want to do and so little time to do it..above all, I want to make a difference to someone, somewhere. Is that so crazy?

The gym burned down last week. By the time the firemen got there, the flames were already through the roof. It burned nearly everything. I'm watching TV as well. It's sort of a weird show. That's okay though. I can live with weird TV.

love, Rosie

February 8, 2000

I'm too frustrated to day. Good news first: I'm a finalist for the part of Shawn Ivy and I am quite excited, since it's a large part, the first I've been seriously considered for [since I began VAing]. I'm really pleased.

There is much more in the way of bad news, however. Today in history, we had a substitute. Our class became extremely loud and disruptive; when the teacher next door came in to quiet us down, we basically insulted her [okay, point blank: some students laughed her right out the door] and showed her severe disrespect. The sub didn't do anything to stop us whatsoever, even after blatantly disrespecting the teacher from next door. That teacher called our history teacher (with good reason) and she was furious. She moved up the date of our test to tomorrow (ugh!) and tod us to write letters of apology to the teacher next door. I wrote a letter as well as apologizing in person, despite not being one of the antagonists. I should have said something at the time, but I didn't. IMHO that makes me just as bad as the antagonists. Apologies after the fact cannot write a wrong that occured. I should have done something to stop it...beats the heck out of me as to WHAT, but there must have been something I could have done..

I did the "right thing." So..why do I still feel so bad?

I'll be awake a long time, as I took a long nap after a long, upsetting walk near the ocean. I have a ton of work to do tonight, but I don't know how I can focus on math or history with all this going on in my head. You hear about the horrors of people [verbally] attacking kids, but what about kids who [verbally] attack adults? It was verbal abuse! Where does it end? I'm so confused..

I guess I still don't understand. I don't understand at all. Maybe I was born thirty years too late. I can understand rebellion and disagreement, but not disrespect. Mmmmm..

Rosie

February 10, 2000

I have much to tell you but precious little time and space to tell you in. In but two days, I have been showered in praise and plummeted with insults.

On the one hand, I have been praised for my actions two days ago..I fail to understand, however, why my actions deserve such praise. I only chose the path my heart guided me towards; the only reason I myself found it rare is because in the past I never would have had the strength or courage to approach an angry teacher to apologize.

On the other hand, many are throuwing insults my way due to my questioning an englich teacher over her curriculum choice. Unlike everyone else involved, I feel her students are capable of writing decent essays on an everyday basis. I also feel the only way to improve one's writing is by writing more. Perhaps, as this teacher has alluded to, I am "stupid or something." I fail to see the situation as anyone else does. I wonder now if the education of others is truly worth fighting for. Lacking in time and energy, I cannot face the system alone and armed only with a curriculum guide.

Who am I, a mere CHILD, to challenge the system anyway?

I cling to this idea after thinking to myself but yesterday how quickly I am growing up. Two years ago, I lacked inner strength, an aspect so important to me now. Shy and naive, I didn't want to believe that someone could betray me. Now, I am no longer the gullable little girl I was so long ago, no longer the little girl hiding under the sheets and hoping her problems would float away with the wind. I have grown beyone such faults and learned to use these faults to my advantage.

Above all, I lost my innocence; the loss that is the first entry point to adulthood. The girl who wanted to remain a child forever is, like it or not, growing up. You can't stay young and innocent forever, much to my chagrin; maybe, however, I can cling to it just a little longer. Just a little.

Deine, Rosie

February 12, 2000

Ma vie n'est jamais simple. Mme. S----- veut que j'ai sa classe ce semestre (sp) là. I think that's right..I tried to say my life is never simple and Mme. S----- wants me to take her class this semester..I never know when to use what in those cases. Oh well. The spiral of my life continues. Friday, when I talked with Mme. S-----, was a down day. Today was an up day--I received the role of Shawn Ivy, a HUGE!! part and my first REAL part. I am very very excited.

Charles Schulz died this evening, of his colon cancer, the night before his final comic strip appears. The world will miss him and his characters dearly, but they all will live inside our hearts always. Charlie brown, Snoopy, Linus, Lucy, Peppermint Patty, Rerun, Marcie..they will never die. They live in all of us. Shroeder, Pigpen, and all the rest..we loved them so.

A sad finale to a topsy-turvy week.

Deine, Rosie

February 13, 2000

Si je n'aime pas le français, je ne devrai pas mettre cette classe, n'est-ce pas? Moi, je ne sais pas.

I still am lost and don't know what to do..really! I have no answers. The answers don't exist; there is no perfect answer. There is no good answer. But I will survive.

Love, Rosie

February 20, 2000

I had a strange dream last night. I don't remember all of it; only that I was going to a birthday party with someone and we were really late. She asked me to wait outside. I peeked through the screen door. There were a number of people inside sitting at a table--my teachers in the dream, but I only recognized Nanikhanachi. She motioned for me to come in. I did, and talked with the b-day girl, whom I called Jessica. Then I woke up. Huh.

I completely changed the website so it's more colorful and happier. I'm excited. I want to ask Nanikhanachi to visit it but I'd never have the courage to ask her. Someday I will, though!

It's Presidents Day Weekend, meaning no more slacking until the semester ends. I'm sure I'll still be my lazy self *g* but I'll read and study and do everything I'm supposed to do until June. Awww..I knew I needed help in English so I took the liberty of writing a note at the bottom of my quiz about how I don't understand what we've been doing at all and said that maybe I should go buy the Cliff Notes. I then made a bet with M after the quiz that my plan would work and my English teacher would schedule a conference with me. I won *g* Sometimes knowing the right buttons to push can be used to your advantage. Especially when you'd really enjoy understanding what you're reading.

What else..I got an A- on my history test even though my essay response wasn't so hot. I also got A's on my last two math quizzes. I didn't do so well on my marine bio test, mais c'est bon.

So here's hoping all enjoy version 2.0 of the site. There's someone on the net using my full name on things, which shocked me..and partially prompted the "name game" section added to the meaning of my name. I also made several buttons/banners for the site, added a button-linking section (Kawaii Links), changed things around so that people with low-res monitors could view the old version of the site (way better for older 'puters), and updated the diary sections, including links to them in the writings section as well.

I've changed. Now I only want to go to Ivy League colleges like Princeton, Yale, or Cornell. A 180 degree turn from a year ago, if you read older entres. I'll never get in, though, and even if I do get in, I'll never be able to afford it..it won't keep me from applying, but..maybe the best I can get into is Cal States. That would stink.

The other day I stayed after class (for no apparent reason) to talk to Nanikhanachi. This guy did, too, and after we missed our bus, he walked me all the way home. We had an interesting conversation. Most interesting of all, he listened to me. Most people my own age love to talk about their own lives but hate hearing about mine. He's one of maybe four teens who've listened to me talk about myself in the past week. Perhaps there's more to him than I ever would ahve admitted in the past. Or maybe I feel safe because I know he's moving away soon. I think maybe it's a bit of both.

Sometimes I wonder why I instinctively trusted Nanikhanachi. As you can tell, I don't come to trust people easily anymore; it seemed strange that I suddenly trusted someone I didn't even know instantly. I think, though, my trust of Kristine-sama (Kay-saa) extended to Nanikhanachi because I found them so similar. I also remember how much trouble not trusting Kristing-sama used to get me into, and I think I have a subconcious block preventing me from making such a mistake with certain people again. I think I do know better if only I had the guts to sign those letters..but I know Nanikhanachi will write a card in response and make me feel totally self-concious, sooo..I sent a letter and some seeds on V-day since she seemed so blue..might I add that someday when she read this, if she wishes to say thank you despite it being unnecessary, send an e-mail and save the money for a card or such. Kindness is its own reward; I don't need cards or even acknowledgement if I know I've cheered someone up.

I'm weird for caring so much about something so small, but it's important to me. I'm but repaying Nanikhanachi for the kindness and hope she brings to me so often. I like having someone to talk to aside from my family, and I hope we keep in touch even after the school year ends (hint hint ;) as I doubt there will be someone else like her in my life for quite some time. C'est la vie..and I know it.

Now that I'm on my tenth diary page, maybe it's time to end this entry and go back to working on my web page. It's a cold, rainy afternoon and the wind rages outside my bedroom window. My feet are cold as ice, but the rest of my body is fairly warm. Storms do funny things to people sometimes.

love, Rosie

February 25, 2000

I am so very exhausted.

I am beginning to see a correlation between LB and Amy-san in attitudes (Amy the way I originally knew her, not what she became..the Amy during the becoming period..never mind) towards me. This thought is of great concern to me; I don't want to judge her unfairly, but I cannot allow myself to become vulnerable again. Tug tug tug, this way and that...that's how it feels. I'm waiting to see if she tells me about our study group's meeting at 4 on Sunday (yes, the walls have ears), but I doubt she will.

I feel like she wants me out of the picture at any cost. She hurts me in some way on a daily basis...like the e-mail yesterday evening when I was so happy and excited. Boo-hoo...

I'm coming up with a new theme for the site, again. The one I just redesigned!! I know all y'all think I'm crazy, but BAH to you.

-R

February 28, 2000

It's early in the morning. Or is it late at night? I can no longer tell. (sigh) I feel so alone, yet I cannot wish it any different, for despite the loneliness I feel respected and loved. As if for once little Cheryl, whom nobody aside from her family cared about for so long, finally has a shot at being important to someone. Even if I only reach out to a small number, even if I only reach out to four or three, I feel like I have a place now.

There is a comforting thought that peeks into my consciousness occasionally, one that reminds me of such whimsical ideas. The little girl, growing up too quickly in a child's body, falling into the abyss. On one side, a hand grabs her right hand, keeping her from sliding further. On the other side, another hand holds her left hand, pulling her up from the chasm of fear and anger. Another similar thought is the girl holding hands with these two people, clinging tightly as they walk off into the sunset. Strange it is that I dream myself as such a small girl, ten years old at best. Perhaps I long to be younger again, or perhaps I feel I am not truly old at all. I have no clue.

Strangely I am talking now! I've been playing old RPG's today, can you tell? I always talk a little funny after I do..

I was walking through the card section at the drug store when I felt drawn to the get well section. I ended up buying a card for my teacher's daughter...whom I've never met. I think I need to stop this addiction to making people feel better because I'm sure you all think I'm the goddess of brown-nosing by now. It never happens intentionally; sometimes I just feel this strange urge to reach out and try to make things just a little bit better for people. I am an absurd child. As for this case...I think it stemmed from old feelings about figure skating and swimming and those things loved but lost. Growing too tall, regressing, watching others get better while you become worse, two-footing jumps, falling hard on the cold ice...those things I tried to forget about skating came rushing back to me, as did the sweet and serene memories I hold dear. And swimming...remembering how a coach pushed me to the point I couldn't swim anymore, how I could never face another club coach again because I feared that other coaches would treat me the same way...these memories haunt me. And nobody ever sent me a card after my shoulder. When I split my chin open skating, I believe one person gave me a get well card while a few others wished me well in other ways. Although better than when I hurt my shoulder, my chin didn't result in the outpouring of affection that most other people receive for injuries. I guess that's why I like to wish people well whenever I can, especially if some aspect of the situation hits close to home. Like I said, I am an absurd child, a child who has horrid grammar past midnight. ^_^

I'm too affectionate. I need to become a tough little girl again. I just don't have the heart to do it...

I bought a few books the other day. The second women's Chicken Soup book, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, Mules and Men, and Gulliver's Travels. Your mind cannot flourish with merely inspirational stories, as your body cannot remain strong with only chicken soup. You have to eat a well-balanced diet. (grin) Someone told me this, but I can't remember which one...oh well. It will come to me.

Ja ne!

Yours, Cheryl

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