March 1, 2000

I remember something! *grin* My fifteenth birthday "card" from Fi.. I wonder how many birthday/anniversary/wedding/get well cards like mine I've signed..I do know it's a significant number, perhaps into the hundreds. That's a lot..and that's only a fraction of the number of guestbooks I've ever signed. Wow.

I see now why they cut the scene in which Chibiusa pulls a toy gun and puts it to Usagi's head to try and talk the ginzuishou (silver crystal) out of her from the NA dub of Sailormoon..what with kids deciding shooting people nowadays. When I was six, I spent all my time in the library and playing on the playground..I can't remember much else from then. I wasn't skating seriously yet, so I was still taking ballet and tap lessons. I remember dancing - I enjoyed it a lot. I can't imagine even thinking about guns, let alone shooting someone..it's just incomprehensible.

Dad's sick, perhaps with the strep I had not so long ago. He took me to the optometrist yesterday anyway, though. The optometrist said I need glasses (no surprise there) and I chose out these frames that make me look a bit like Kate Botello *g* because I didn't have the energy to hunt for better frames, since I managed to cry out all the drops from my eyes for my glaucoma test and I could feel the stick-thingy on my eye since all the drops were gone. Speaking of eyes, the screen is turning to mush again. I do need those glasses as soon as they come, since it's nearly impossible to study or sit at the computer for any length of time, an obvious problem. Unh..

My computer is, of course, still not working correctly, but I'm going to play Laura Bow anyway. My top game recommendations of this month are King's Quest VI and Laura Bow 2: The Dagger of Amon Ra, both by Sierra. They're a lot of fun..one stars a girl detective and the other a prince trying to save his strong-but-trapped princess. Tee hee..

hugs, Cheryl
(what's with me and names lately?)

March 2, 2000

Taking a break from memorizing all 42 presidents and the years they served, writing a rough draft of an essay on The Sun Also Rises, and researching the role of the United States in disarmament. Now if only I had my glasses, the words would not be spinning around in front of my eyes. I apologize in advance for any typos I might make today. I don't have the energy to make a second pass at this today..

Why do I write such strange babble in such horrible grammar on a site nobody's going to see anyway? I can't answer this. Considering how long this site's been up and that the only two places I've mentioned it are school (to one whole teacher-person, since I know nobody else cares enough 90% of the time to listen to me anyway; but I will ask T and H, probably soon =) and on JRJ. That's not a lot of people. That also doesn't explain the hits from Raytheon and the Ford Motor Company (?? two from Raytheon and one from Ford during the last two days). Strange. I need a life other than checking site stats every thirty seconds. Perhaps that's why I'm writing in an online journal that I'm sure nobody reads anyway.

Why do I feel so oddly attached to some people and not to others? So absurd it is, to like one person over another and not know why! So absurd to trust one and not another based upon only a gut feeling! To think I do so on an everyday basis! I am strange, a strangely lost child in a large world who knows not when to run or when to fight. Hmmmm..

Time to stop dawdling and start working on presidents 21-42. If I'm lucky I'll remember them all in the morning. Better yet, the afternoon.

sie ^_~

March 4, 2000

I wish I was special.

I've always been second-rate. Never have I been the best; I get B's, I'm not the best singer, my athletic abilities are limited, and I can't seem to do anything right. What am I to do? Sure I can do things, but I've never really been special. I'm just average; that's all I'll ever be. I'm just cursed.

I feel so alone sometimes...

Deine, Rosie

March 6, 2000

Ugh! It annoys me that I can't read so well right now. I still need to go buy 12 ounces of salas seasoning(?) My writing's going downhill lately. Perhaps because I lack the energy to proofread at the moment and it takes so much.

I am so sleepy tonight. I need to fix two essays ASAP and there's a program do tomorrow. Aaah!

love, Rosie
who can barely see

March 12, 2000

I hate other teenagers. Come to think of it, I hate myself, too. I just hate it all. I guess it had to happen someday; now is as good a time as any, I suppose. I wasn't ready yet. I suffer still from Amy syndrome, and the old memories hit me full force. All the pain and fear I've buried these last couple years flew back into my mind. They must still be fresh in my heart.

The bad thing, though, is that all that pain and fear beats me up inside. My self-esteem is extremely fragile and can be easily broken like it was again this weekend. I want to crawl back into my box and lock it from the inside, so no one can ever get in. I don't want to dress nicely, make myself obvious, or talk to anyone. Perhaps one or two, maybe--the two, only maybe they would not understand.

I have been strange for all eternity. I will continue to be strange for all eternity. I am not beautiful, smart, funny, sweet, or any of those things so valued. I'm a chubby, geeky girl who cannot comprehend even her own feelings. A girl who cannot understand life in any aspect. My opinions on all issues change constantly. I fail to take action when I should. I'm a gullible little girl trapped in a strange, crazy, large world, a world consisting of deceit and lies.

On top of it all, I am completely alone. Nobody in the entire world knows the entire story. Even Lindsay-chan doesn't know it all..which says a lot. I could explain it all to someone, I guess, but who can I trust? I know of but two people. Two in a world of six billion. How depressing. I don't want to bother either of them, but perhaps if I can somehow get their attention..one of the two's attention, anyway. I'm sure this will get me into trouble somehow (my attention-getting schemes tend to get me into trouble), but I will survive. Assuming I ever speak again to anyone.

I wonder if teenagers do crazy things all the time. I, being the boring one, don't do anything. Not even normal things. I don't do anything period. I remember why now--it keeps me safe.

Safe. I wonder so about that word. Is safety worth destroying yourself over? Sometimes risks are necessary, although this one wasn't. A risk is a risk, and risks have consequences. Like becoming completely shell-shocked and knowing not what to do. I empathize with Brett from Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises. I never understood her character before, but..now I think I perhaps understand too well.

I know not.

love, Rosie

March 26, 2000

Soon we'll be completely moved into our new house. My room is a pigsty. I can't figure out where to put anything yet. My grades were horrible.

Ungh. I'm so tired of moving. Even this pen, albeit the heaviest of my pens, is starting to feel too heavy to lift. I don't know what to do. I have three tests this coming week and I feel completely unprepared for all of them.

I found some of my great-grandmother's old compositions. They're really cool...

Nearly 100 years ago, in October 1900, my great-grandmother wrote this in her high school composition book:

"One cold snowy day last winter I was up in the attic looking through some of my mother's old trunks when I came upon a very strange looking old coat that looked as if some one had worn it through the war. I asked my mother whose it was and she said that it was a coat that my grandfather had worn during the war. As I was putting it back, I saw something in the pocket that looked like a piece of paper but when I took it out I found that it was a letter and ran as follows:_

Gettysburg,
July 12, 1863

My dear Friend

We have been marching and fighting for about a month and a half. On June thrid we started our march north. We had two reasons for this invasion of the North. One was to obtain food and supplies for the army. Every thing we got was to be paid for in Confederate money. The Confederate money was of little value to the people, but it was all that we had.

The most important purpose of this invasion was to draw the Federal Army away from Washington. On the morning of July first, A. P. Hill's advance struck the head of the Federal Army west of Gettysburg. After six hours of fighting the Federals were driven from the town with severe loss, but in with drawing they occupied a strong position, Cemetry Ridge, south of the town.

Toward the close of the fight, Ewell was ordered to siege the Hill, but owing to the exhaustion of his soldiers it was thought best to wait until morning. The next day Ewell succeeded in gaining the Hill, but owing to the great number of his opponents he could not hold it.

On the fourth day we again gained the Hill, but owing to the disobedience of some of the officers we were again compelled to fall back.

The repulseof this desperate charge virtually ended the fiercest and bloodiest battle ever fought in America. Our loss was over sixteen thousand. The Federal loss was twenty three thousand.

We are resting for a few days but will not be here very long. Will write again in a few days.

I remain
Very truly Yours,
Robert E. Lee

I afterwards found out that this was a letter written to my Grand father just after the battle of Gettysburg."

I wonder how much of this is true. I can't see any reason for her to lie, but..I cannot verify its truth either. I wonder what ever happened to the jacket..? All the dates are right, according to my history book. I'll ask my teacher tomorrow if she has a book about either Gettysburg or the Civil War I can look in to verify further.

My mother said that my grandmother has a lot of old composition books like the one found in my closet. I wonder if she ever tucked away that letter from Robert E. Lee anywhere.

Perhaps someday my great-granddaughter will read my writings. I hope I'm not alive if (or when) she does, as I'll have a lot to explain!! Ah well.

My great-grandmother took both French and Spanish in school. Neither language has changed much [gramatically] in the last 100 years..LOL..

I should go to sleep soon. I still have to wake up at 4am tomorrow morning(!) whether I like it or not. I cleaned my room some today so it's only a small pigsty (instead of a huge pigsty..tee hee). I wonder where a lot of my books went? I have a library book that's MIA and I think I'll have to pay for a new copy if it's not still at the apartment.

Ja ne!

love, Cheryl (Ro)

March 27, 2000

I am so tired. I want to sleep, but I can't. I opened up mail from Oberlin today. Their brochure is superb. It seems like a great school. Very liberal. Tee hee!

I'm trying to remember which relatives came when on my mom's side. I know from Mississippi came the Laflore's (Laflore County is names after them) and that somewhere before Grace (Reynolds) came Felicity Turnbill, but...I don't remember who came where...oh well. I'll ask mom later.

love, C

March 29, 2000

My tests didn't go too badly today. I did better on this Marine Bio test, and I know I got at least a C on this history test (most likely a B). My English presentation welt pretty well. D- borrowed my copy of the Sailormoon R movie since she hasn't seen it. I think she just figured out we have a lot in common *g* The reason I got hooked on anime, though, is because of D- and her friends. I wanted so much to fit in..it took nearly 5 years, but it finally kicked in *L*

My room is a HUGE mess again. I'll have to clean it this weekend. Ah, well. It will all be okay.. ;)

love, C

Home   Past Entries   About Me   Links Out   E-mail