EMPLOYMENT WANTED:  Experienced queen.  A little high maintenance but worth it.  Highly creative, knows how to use her scepter for head-bonking as needed.  Seeks kingdom of mainly young attractive males to rule.  101.555-6969.

EMPLOYMENT WANTED:  Exceptional lowly slave girl seeks master.  Responds to the word “hard” and needs occasional eye deletion.  Only kind and wimpy masters need apply.  Serious inquiries only.  Call Susse at 545.786-1000.

CAT SITTER:  Mister Bigglesworth is lonely and in desperate need of female petting.  Hours vary, as long as Mister Bigglesworth gets hours of petting.  Call Tie Dye at 1-800-BALDNAD.

CONSTRUCTION LANDSCAPER:  Strong, hunky male construction crew members needed for major house and lawn remodeling projects.  Minimum wage, but benefits include psychoanalysis sessions and sex therapy—all counseling needs.  Must be tanned and be able to play the piano with your organ.  Oregon location.  Call Tink at 656.788-2121.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Louisiana Swampland!  Stake your claim in the marshy bogs of the Louisiana bayou and enjoy the views and mosquito bites!  Acres of bayou for sell.  Great prices!  Special financing for Canadians and North Carolina residents.  Call 1-800-LES-CROC and ask for Yogi or Ladybub.  Gators included.

Ohio:  Lovely 3 BDR, 2 BA bungalow near corn fields and industrial area.  Growing family needs room to expand and desire rushing the US-Canada border soon.  Attractive financing terms.  Priced to sell.  Better hurry!  Call Nathalie at 252.459-1111.

ROOMS FOR RENT:  Small, older hospital rooms for rent daily, weekly or monthly.  No view.  Snot-green walls, bedpan, sink and privacy curtain.  Female residents enjoy the attention of cute medic with great hands wearing hospital gown.  Male residents ignored.  Discount rates for Bored @ Werk regulars.  Call Angel at 1-800-BAREASS.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Magic Blue Balls: Your friends will marvel at the tricks you can do!  A wave of your hand and the balls will disappear!  Put them in your mouth and they grow!  Put them in a woman’s bra and her breasts double in size!  Hours of fun guaranteed.  Order your balls today at Dave’s Novelties and Computer Hardware Store in Salt Lake City, Utah, or on the web at www.davesbigballs.com. 

Dutch Treats:  Wooden shoes, tulips, porcelain and other Dutch gift ideas.  Windmill blades attach to your lull for sexy fun.  Put her finger in the dike with cute boxer shorts featuring “peek-a-boo” fly.  All things Dutch including legal hash and miniature windmills.   Visit Dick’s Discount Dutch Dicks on the web today at www.dutchdick.com.  Visa and Mastercard accepted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whips, Chains and Handcuffs:  Slightly used on and offline.  Sell separately or as a package deal. Will discount for Missouri residents and active duty military men.  Call DeMetria at 556.781-5125.

Luggage:  Super deal on fantastic luggage.  Very durable—can survive a beating at any airport in the world including the Middle East.  Motivated seller forced to stay home with new baby no longer needs world travel.  Call X-Wing at 890.679-5468.

MONITOR:  HUGE monitor.  Ladies will especially enjoy the long-angle features and multiple zoom-zoom capability.  Blow gently on the screen and it gets even bigger!  Call Terry at 867.455-1000.

DICKTAPHONE:  Like new, werks great!  Records dick size no matter how large or small right down to the centimeter.  Speak into microphone for special expansion feature.  Call Daphne at 1-800-BIGDICK.

NASTIES:  Whether it’s for fun or payback, these nasty images are guaranteed to be the life of any party.  Posters, cards, tee-shirts, fun underwear for men and women.  Custom screen-printing for your nasty images.  Order yours today on the web at www.NastyDaffyPaprikas.com.

Maternity Clothes:  The booby and bootie fairy will be gone soon!   Cute, fashionable maternity clothes only slightly worn.  Size 1.  Bras size 52 DDD.  Large selection.  Jeenda at 679.541-4341.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

High mileage but lots of stamina:  Experienced queen.  A little high maintenance but worth it.  Highly creative, knows how to use her scepter for head-bonking as needed.  Seeks kingdom of mainly young attractive males to rule.  101.555-6969.

Retired Vet seeks Harley babe who can handle something really exciting between her legs.  Let’s make our own destiny with the wind in our faces and  rubber on the road.  Hitman at 688.466-4587.

All the Rave:  Shy white male with pot gut and small pee-pee seeks outgoing, pretty, scantily-clad Bored @ Werk woman for quiet romantic evenings and walks on nude beaches.  Prefer raven, curly hair and big boobs.  Dave at 1-800-IAMBACK.

Nice girl seeks bad boy!  This ain’t Kansas any more!  Mother of two, financially independent due to recent promotion, Church-going, home owner.  I’m bored!  Bad boy in black leather sought for longterm relationship and occasional whippings.  Friends first a must.  Call DM at 679.438-3882.

JAW BREAKER:  SWF seeks well-endowed SWM big enough to break my jaw during BJ.  Save me the cost of another surgery and let me have some fun!  Prefer blondes but will consider others.  Must provide margueritas.  Hollie at 982.689-3331.

BABE SEEKS BABETTE:  Hot, sexy lady seeks same in a man.  No baggage.  Gentlemen only need apply.  But if you’re not a total gentleman, that’s okay as long as you really have no baggage.  You know, like an exwife to cause grief or a history of substance abuse or sending nude pics of yourself around the internet.  MUST BE A BABE and able to sing Sookie Su.  Soookie at 920.468-6674.