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Susse
coldcocks Queen; Steals
DB’s boxers |
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Susse
emerges the winner in the cat fight of the century (upper right), or so it
seemed. Queen nearly beat Susse to a pulp in the 11th round and finally gave up
in the 16th round because her mascara smeared. While Susse got her trophy and DB’s
boxers in the closing ceremonies, Queen and DB slipped out the back door. A paparazzi photographer snapped this
photo (right). The two have not
been seen since. |
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After years of
threats, insults, name calling and cat fights over DB’s boxers, Queen Attila
challenged Susse to a warrior-styled public fight last week. Held at Yogi’s Gymnasium and Beer Parlor
in Gitfiddle, La., Susse emerged the victor in the 16th round after Queen called
“uncle” and let Susse win. “It’s about time I
beat that two-bit tramp up,” Susse said in her acceptance speech during the
award ceremony following the fight.
“We should have settled this a long time ago.” It was a close match
in every round as the women swore, scratched, clawed and pulverized each other
with mauls, whips, swords and cat-o-nine-tails while the audience chanted “get
them britches off darling.” Queen could not be
reached for comment as she and DB sneaked out the back door while Susse was
accepting her award. Neither have
been seen nor heard from for the past two weeks. If you have any information regarding
their whereabouts, please call the Find Those Two Regs hotline at
1-800-BIGLULL. |
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Davelvu
concocts doggie steroid Dyes
dog green to win Utah show; “Artie” later disqualified
for alleged Illegal steroid use,
slobbering |
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The annual Utah Track and Stream
Hunting Dog competition faces federal investigations and an unsure future in the
world of sports after officials allege illegal steroid use by this year’s
winner, Artie the Wonderdog. Second
Runner Up Ikanlik Myownbals wins by default. Artie’s owner,
Davelvu, denies allegations that he concocted a steroid dye solution in his
basement home laboratory where police found evidence of a variety of steroids and canine
viagara. “I am an innocent man,”
Dave says. “All I put on Artie was
easter-egg coloring dye and nothing else.
Artie won the competition fair and square. The little guy has werked hard all year
to compete and he deserved to win.” Artie was a big hit
this year, considered an underdog
competing against larger field breeds in running, decoy duck retrieval,
pheasant tracking, trout fishing and bitch in heat races. Davelvu told judges he dyed the Scottish
Terrier green so Artie would blend into the natural environment, which judges
accepted on the basis of giving Artie a competitive chance against the larger
dogs. “We were actually
happy that Artie performed so
well,” says Judge Harry Peters.
“None of us were suspicious, even when Artie humped 15 female dogs in the
10 minutes allotted for the bitch in heat competition, three times the rate of
the other competitors. We just
assumed that Davelvu is an exceptional trainer and must have spent a lot of time
teaching Artie these techniques.” |
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Utah
police are still debating about what charges to file against Davelvu. Artie is being held at the Mormon’s Drug
Rehabilitation Center. |
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Officials became
suspicious after the award ceremony, however, when Artie began salivating and
foaming at the mouth, running amok through the crowds and dry-humping women’s
legs. Veterinarians examined him
immediately and upon discovering traces of steroids, notified competition
officials and police. The Utah
District Attorney’s Office refused to comment, but say they will determine what
charges to file against Davelvu by the end of the week. |