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PARENTING: PREPARING FOR ADOLESCENCE

Parenting can be the most rewarding work of adult life. Nothing brings more joy and pride than a happy, productive, and loving child. Each age and stage of a child's development has specific goals and tasks. For infants, it is to eat, sleep, and explore their world. For adolescents, it is to become their own person with their own group of friends. Adolescents need many skills in order to successfully achieve their goal of increased independence. Some adolescents do not make this transition smoothly. Their movement toward independence can cause stress and grief for parents. Some aspects of this rough transition are normal and, while stressful, should not alarm parents.
Starting early is the best way for parents to prepare for their child's adolescence. The following are ways that parents can prepare themselves and their child for a smoother transition and greater success in achieving the tasks of adolescent development:
Providing safe and loving home environment
Creating an atmosphere of honesty, mutual trust, and respect
Allowing age appropriate independence and assertiveness
Developing a relationship that encourages your child to talk to you when upset
Teaching responsibility for their belongings and yours
Teaching basic responsibility for household chores
Teaching the importance of accepting limits
These are complex processes which occur gradually and start during infancy. A teenager's adolescent years will be less stressful when parents and child have worked together on these tasks throughout the child's earlier development.
The ability to talk openly about problems is one of the most important aspects of the parent and child relationship. Developing this relationship and open communication takes time, persistence, and understanding. The relationship develops gradually by spending time with the child. Meal times, story telling, reading, playing games, outings, vacations, and celebrations are important opportunities for parents to spend time with their child. Parents should also try to spend some individual time with each child, particularly when talking about difficult or upsetting things. This relationship creates the foundation for talking with the child when struggles and conflicts emerge during adolescence.
A parent-child relationship which is very stressful or troubled during the preadolescent years can be a strong signal that professional help may be needed. Parents investment of time and energy in the child's early years can prevent small problems of childhood from becoming larger problems .

NORMAL ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT
Middle School and Early High School Years
Parents are often worried or confused by changes in their teenagers. The following information should help parents understand this phase of development. Each teenager is an individual with a unique personality and special interests, likes and dislikes. However, there are also numerous developmental issues that everyone faces during the adolescent years. The normal feelings and behaviors of the middle school and early high school adolescent are described below.
Movement Towards Independence
Struggle with sense of identity
Feeling awkward or strange about one's self and one's body
Focus on self, alternating between high expectations and poor self- concept
Interests and clothing style influenced by peer group
Moodiness
Improved ability to use speech to express one's self
Realization that parents are not perfect; identification of their faults
Less overt affection shown to parents, with occasional rudeness
Complaints that parents interfere with independence
Tendency to return to childish behavior, particularly when stressed
Future Interests and Cognitive Changes
Mostly interested in present, limited thoughts of future
Intellectual interests expand and gain in importance
Greater ability to do work (physical, mental, emotional)
Sexuality
Display shyness, blushing, and modesty
Girls develop physically sooner than boys
Increased interest in the opposite sex
Movement toward heterosexuality with fears of homosexuality
Concerns regarding physical and sexual attractiveness to others
Frequently changing relationships
Worries about being normal
Morals, Values, and Self-Direction
Rule and limit testing
Capacity for abstract thought
Development of ideals and selection of role models
More consistent evidence of conscience
Experimentation with sex and drugs (cigarettes, alcohol, and marijuana)
Teenagers do vary slightly from the above descriptions, but the feelings and behaviors are, in general, considered normal for each stage of adolescence.

NORMAL ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT
Late High School Years and Beyond
Parents are often worried or confused by changes in their teenagers. The following information should help parents understand this phase of development. Each teenager is an individual with a unique personality and special interests, likes and dislikes. However, there are also numerous developmental issues that everyone faces during the adolescent years. The normal feelings and behaviors of the late high school adolescent are :
Movement towards Independence
Increased independent functioning
Firmer and more cohesive sense of identity
Examination of inner experiences
Ability to think ideas through
Conflict with parents begins to decrease
Increased ability for delayed gratification and compromise
Increased emotional stability
Increased concern for others
Increased self-reliance
Peer relationships remain important and take an appropriate place among other interests
Future Interests and Cognitive Changes
Work habits become more defined
Increased concern for the future
More importance is placed on one's role in life
Sexuality
Feelings of love and passion
Development of more serious relationships
Firmer sense of sexual identity
Increased capacity for tender and sensual love
Morals, Values, and Self-Direction
Greater capacity for setting goals
Interest in moral reasoning
Capacity to use insight
Increased emphasis on personal dignity and self-esteem
Social and cultural traditions regain some of their previous importance
Teenagers do vary slightly from the above descriptions, but the feelings and behaviors are, in general, considered normal for each stage of adolescence.

TALKING TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT SEX
Talking to your children about love, intimacy, and sex is an important part of parenting. Parents can be very helpful by creating a comfortable atmosphere in which to talk to their children about these issues. However, many parents avoid or postpone the discussion. Each year about one million teenage girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease. Children and adolescents need input and guidance from parents to help them make healthy and appropriate decisions regarding their sexual behavior since they can be confused and overstimulated by what they see and hear.
Talking about sex may be uncomfortable for both parents and children. Parents should respond to the needs and curiosity level of their individual child, offering no more or less information than their child is asking for and is able to understand. Getting advice from a clergyman, pediatrician, family physician, or other health professional may be helpful. Books that use illustrations or diagrams may aid communication and understanding.
Children have different levels of curiosity and understanding depending upon their age and level of maturity. As children grow older, they will often ask for more details about sex. Many children have their own words for body parts. It is important to find out words they know and are comfortable with to make talking with them easier. A 5-year-old may be happy with the simple answer that babies come from a seed that grows in a special place inside the mother. Dad helps when his seed combines with mom=s seed which causes the baby to start to grow. An 8-year-old may want to know how dad=s seed gets to mom=s seed. Parents may want to talk about dad=s seed (or sperm) coming from his penis and combining with mom=s seed (or egg) in her uterus. Then the baby grows in the safety of mom=s uterus for nine months until it is strong enough to be born. An 11-year-old may want to know even more and parents can help by talking about how a man and woman fall in love and then may decide to have sex.
It is important to talk about the responsibilities and consequences that come from being sexually active. Pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and feelings about sex are important issues to be discussed. Talking to your children can help them make the decisions that are best for them without feeling pressured to do something before they are ready. Helping children understand that these are decisions that require maturity and responsibility will increase the chance that they make good choices.
Adolescents are able to talk about lovemaking and sex in terms of dating and relationships. They may need help dealing with the intensity of their own sexual feelings, confusion regarding their sexual identity, and sexual behavior in a relationship. Concerns regarding masturbation, menstruation, contraception, pregnancy, and sexually transmitted diseases are common. Some adolescents also struggle with conflicts around family, religious or cultural values. Open communication and accurate information from parents increases the chance that teens will postpone sex and will use appropriate methods of birth control once they begin.
In talking with your child or adolescent, it is helpful to:
Encourage your child to talk and ask questions.
Maintain a calm and non-critical atmosphere for discussions.
Use words that are understandable and comfortable.
Try to determine your child=s level of knowledge and understanding.
Keep your sense of humor and don=t be afraid to talk about your own discomfort.
Relate sex to love, intimacy, caring, and respect for oneself and one=s partner.
Be open in sharing your values and concerns.
Discuss the importance of responsibility for choices and decisions.
Help your child to consider the pros and cons of choices.
By developing open, honest and ongoing communication about responsibility, sex, and choice, parents can help their youngsters learn about sex in a healthy and positive manner.