The Page of Inventive Disasters

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Yes. This does say what you think it says. 'Square Triangle Clips'. I really have to hand it to the Chinese for attempting to defy the laws of geometry. These clips are obviously triangle shaped, so where does the square come in? Does it refer to the box? But the box is rectangle shaped, so that can't be it. Are the triangle clips really unhip?
Like a riddle without an answer, this product has never ceased to torment me. I wake up in the middle of the night, screaming "WHY SQUARE? WHY!? WILL THIS TORTURE NEVER END? DAMN YOU SQUARE TRIANGLE CLIPS! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"
Could someone please find my medication?

Now lets take a look at one of the worst thought out (and most disgusting looking) lollies in invention (though apparently, it's "The One For Fun!" The only slightly amusing thing about this piece of crap is the fact that it somehow managed to get itself manufactured- and that people BUY it). The scan doesn't really do it justice- in reality, it looks much, much worse.
I can just imagine the brainstorming session the employees of Yupi must've had in order to produce this confectionery monstrosity.

Guy 1- Well, kids like candy, right?

Rest of room murmurs agreement.

Guy 1- And they like pizza, right?

Others- Yes.

Guy 1- So, what if we combined the two into the one product- A CANDY PIZZA?

Gasps, and exclamations of "Of course!" " Why didn't we think of this before?" and "Genius! Pure genius!"

Guy 2- I know! We can make it look as totally unappetizing as possible! AND we can make it taste like an over-used styrofoam kickboard filled with sugar!

Guy 3- And we can add heaps and heaps of BEEF GELATIN and BEESWAX for extra kick!

Whole room rises in standing ovation.

I mean, come on? Would YOU eat this thing? And if the answer is yes, I'd seriously urge you to reconsider. Since eating the cursed thing, I've developed a number of large, pustulant growths on my back, and have a chronic fear of kickboards. The mere sight of one can send me into near fatal flashbacks.

Ok. Let's get one thing straight. I love my Grandpop, and I think he's a wonderful man. But there's only so much schmaltz a girl can take before her natural sarcastic instincts kick in.
This is a box of love. Yes. A box of LOVE. They say money can't buy love, but in this case somehow managed to. The 'love' is wrapped in a 4x4x2 cm cardboard box with a bit of curling ribbon and a cheap cloth flower. With it came a little piece of paper, on which was written the following poem-

This is a very special gift
That you can never see
The reason it's so special
It's just for you from me
Whenever you are lonely
Or even feeling blue
You only have to hold this gift
And know I'll think of you
You never can unwrap it
Please leave the ribbon tied
Just hold the box close to your heart
It's filled with love inside

You may be forgiven for retching into your keyboard right about now. While the message behind the poem is a nice one, the sickly sentiment is so thick you could patch the leaks in a Collins Class Submarine with it.
Now, I know I'm not supposed to open it. But, you know what? I think the world needs more love in it. And here is this little bit of love, hammering on the lid of the box, calling- "Let me out! I want to be free! I want to be freeeeee...."
So, I did the unthinkable- I opened the box. Be free, love! Make the world a better place! Just don't write any poetry, okay?
 
 






Behold- The Kitchen Implement of Mystery! Whooooo! What it does, I have no idea. There's a peeler on it- that much I've managed to ascertain. There's a pointy, triangular thing on one end, and a heap of little plastic 'teeth' down one side. At the other end, there's a little hole. Can someone tell me WHAT THE HECK THIS THING IS? Try as I might, I just can't figure it out. If you know, please tell me! Alleviate my eternal suffering! Or just send me some valium. That'll have the same effect. Your call.

Look. I'm sorry. I wanted to keep this site free of smut, filth, and the word 'umbrella'. But since I've now used the word 'umbrella', I may as well go ahead with the smut and filth. Besides, this product was too disturbing not to be put in here.
I purchased these incense sticks from those purveyors of filth and pornography, the local IGA grocery store. They're created by our good friends at Kama Sutra, and there's probably a good chance the staff were swinging from leather straps suspended ten feet from the floor with all the blood draining from their brains (p242, next to the picture of the guy with the enormous... um... never mind) when they thought up this one.
Using logical reasoning, I have concluded that this incense must smell like one of two things-
1) Burning *ahem* 'pussy'
2) Burning cat
Neither of these sound particularly fragrant, do they? Let alone something you'd like to perfume your immediate surroundings with.
I could simply burn one of the incense sticks and find out what it actually smells like, but to tell the truth, I'm too scared. Maybe one day when I'm feeling particularly adventurous (or someone I hate is visiting) I'll light one up and take a good whiff. Until then, use your imagination.
Disclaimer- Michelle would like to apologize for her use of the word 'umbrella' in the above review. Thank you.

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