The Page of Inventive Disasters- Page 2

I thought I'd seen it all. I thought that after my run in with Yupi's Gummi Pizza (see page 1) that I'd reached a new pinnacle in disgusting candy concepts. I thought I'd reached the bottom of the barrel- there was no way manufacturers could think of anything worse.
I was wrong.
Meet Bubble Briefs!
Why would anyone want to consume something that comes in an underwear shaped package? And daggy Y fronts, no less. And precisely what is bubbling in the underwear? The more I think about this, the more disturbing it is.
Being the crazed kamikaze warrior that I am, I steeled myself and actually sampled the contents of 'bubble briefs'. I made the following observations-

1) The package is almost impossible to open (acting somewhat like a chastity belt)
2) The gum comes in small, randomly shaped pellets, looking somewhat akin to bright blue animal droppings. (At this point, I nearly gave up, but a couple of bracing whacks to the head with a blunt instrument (thanks Cecil) set me back on my mission).
3) The bright blue animal droppings sat on my tongue like small, sour rocks, then suddenly disintegrated into an almost dust like consistency.
4) At this point (since misery loves company) I strolled out to the lounge room and offered some to my flatmate. She looked up and said "your teeth are blue". I looked in the bathroom mirror. The blue turds had stained my teeth, tongue, and entire oral cavity a fetching shade of blue.
5) Once I actually started to chew the gum, it tasted almost good for a minute, then in the grand tradition of cheap gum,  instantly lost it's flavor.
6) About 5 minutes afterwards, I began to feel a bit sick.
7) I don't recall much after that, but when I woke up I was in a dumpster outside McDonalds wearing nothing but a pink tutu. The dreaded flavor of Bubble Briefs lingered tauntingly upon my lips.
To conclude- don't. Ever.

This next product isn't so much an inventive disaster, more of an intellectual disaster. The product itself is-

I just have one question- what in heck is a Desire Photo? And where precisely am I meant to paste it? On the bridegroom? On the packaging? To my own forehead?

Okay. It's another candy. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the corner shop- think again. At this stage, I should send a shoutout to Jim's Health Delite Bar for being evil enough to sell these things to an unsuspecting public. And this one is a real doozy.
This is a candy for all those cool daredevil types- the people who say "Stuff veal cordon bleu, I'm gonna go eat me a spark plug!" At least, that's the image that Felix is trying to get across. (As you've guessed, Felix is a lizard. I've never been keen on eating food endorsed by lizards, but I guess there's a first time for everything). For a start, this is called the 'Sour Punker Pop'.  I don't know about you, but I'm feeling intimidated! And to add to the rebelliousness of this hard kickin, rule breakin confection, we have this-

Our next story begins one fateful morning in December 2000, at precisely 8am. I was at my grandmother's house, slumbering peacefully in my bed, savoring the utter quiet and peace of the early morning.
Suddenly, my idyll was shattered.
A hideous cry filled the air. I leaped up, terror stricken by the horrible sound. It sounded something like- "Woka woka peew peew ting!"
It was a sound that would soon become all too familiar.
Meet the Bird Clock. Or, to be precise, my grandmother's Bird Clock. (Brought to you by the good people at Franklin Mint, makers of the Pewter John Wayne Collection, the Pewter Princess Di, Pewter Wars, and the Pewter Gall Stone. This clock is about the only Franklin Mint product that does not contain pewter.) Instead of numbers, this clock features birds. Instead of chimes, this clock features sounds that sound almost, but not quite, nothing like birds. Instead, they sounded like some form of electronic equipment being slowly dunked in acid.  This is roughly what it sounded like.
After 8 days of this horror, my nerves were shot, my hearing was irreparably damaged, and I had the overwhelming urge to take a rocket launcher to all the surrounding birdlife. Even now, the mere sight of a sparrow is enough to put me into shock therapy for another three months.