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England seems to be Coca-Cola country.
Everywhere I went, all I could find was Coke. And while that was all well
and good, I- sad, Pepsi addicted soul that I am- was starting to
get edgy, snappy, and hanging out for a Pepsi fix.
Sadly, the day I finally located
it, my opinions on Pepsi changed forever.
(N.B.- Note to Pepsi, their
subsidary companies, and most importantly, their lawyers- I love Pepsi.
I really do. I spend an inordinate amount of money on it. I'm putting your
kids through college, while making it increasingly difficult to pay for
college myself. But really, you brought this on yourself. You can't blame
me for what I'm about to show. So, your grounds for suing me for defamation
are non-existent. Sue yourselves for gross stupidity. Thankyou.)
I finally found a Pepsi vending
machine in an internet cafe. Salivating profusely in anticipation (and
shorting out several of the computers around me in the process), I placed
my precious money in the machine, hit the appropriate button, and with
trembling hands, retrieved my bounty. I gazed down at the object of my
desire, blinked, and then uttered the two words that clearly signified
I had an inventive disaster on my hands.
"What the..."
This is what I saw.
Unscrew by hand.
Did Pepsi researchers, after watching
countless focus groups attempting to open Pepsi bottles with their teeth,
elbows, and feet, send their findings back to Pepsi HQ- "New taste fine,
but clearer instructions for opening bottle required" ? Or perhaps
they realised that the chemicals in the soft drink would eventually imp...
imp... uh... be bad for the... uh... brain, yeah that's it... and they'd
need to make the... uh... describey things... really... uh... what was
I talking about?
Superheroes. They come in many forms,
and they often have cool catchphrases, like 'Faster than a speeding bullet!'
'Defender of all mankind!' and 'No, that isn't a rolled up pair
of socks stuffed down the front of my lycra costume!'
But, as superhero catchphrases
go, I think this one is somewhat lacking.
Yes, many regarded them as savior of the world, but most regarded them as a bunch of complete berks with no colour co-ordination, stupid hair, extremely phallic guns, and the most psycho facial expression ever. I mean, look at it!
Would you trust this man to save you from the clutches of evil? He'd come bursting through the door, moments before the evil genius was about to set his doomsday plan into action, then promptly drop to the floor, grasping his head and screaming 'Aaargggh! They're all around me! Bunnies everywhere! Giant, carnivorous bunnies! Aaargh! They're biting my hinder! Getemoffgetemoffgetemoff!'
And while we're on the topic of
disturbing children's toys...
Meet Stan, the gayest little construction
worker in the world!
Not only does he come wearing fabulous
green hotpants (and sporting a rather enviable bulge at the front of them)
he also includes-
A rather embarrassing potrusion
on his butt!
And...
A rather suggestive road sign!
But the icing on the cake is the name of the company that makes him-
Also available- Stan's boyfriend, Miner Bruce!
Remember, kids- Miner Bruce loves going down shafts- all day!
About a month ago, I performed as
part of a concert in a building owned by a certain quasi-religious group
who shall remain nameless.
Lining the walls of the foyer were
racks of pamphlets with titles like 'Karma and You' and 'The Way of Truth'.
But this one really takes the cake.
Well, according to the Macquarie
Dictionary...
Dead- no longer living, deprived
of life.
Die- to cease to live.
So- yes, we are dead when
we die. Duh.
Interestingly, there was also a
pamphlet with the title- 'We are all cousins'.
Hmmmm.
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