Press Nunkies to return to Chapter One

Fantasy #30: 'With Nunkies You Get Eggroll' - Stopping for Mandarin cuisine really hits the spot - especially when Lacroix is your table! Yep, he's strategically covered with an order of Kon Bo beef, and you have the chopsticks! Chow down...or you may not get your fortune cookie!(No MSG added)

Fantasy #31: 'Lucien Lacroix, Strapping Lumberjack' - For some really good reason that doesn't spring to mind right now, Lacroix is chopping wood. Not being a flannel sort of guy, he's not wearing a shirt. Imagine his bare chest rippling as he swings the axe (judging from the form he used scything Divia's head off, this should be a very impressive sight). My, my - who needs trees when you could help clean him up after that hard, sweaty work?

Fantasy #32: 'Paradise by the Dashboard Lights' - Necking is serious business when Nunkies becomes a prisoner of love in the backseat of his car. Now suppose Lacroix has a two-seater - do you get to honk his horn or play with the stick shift?

Fantasy #33: 'There's Always Room For Jello' - Uncle is encased in a mold of gelatin from the waist down in the flavor of your choice. However will you set him free? What is he wearing 'neath that wiggly-jiggly stuff? Inquiring minds want to know!

Fantasy #34: Nunkies gives you a private performance on his violin. He seranades you with lovely ballads and rhapsodies, then personally demonstrates his 'bowing technique' on your back in order to show his master's touch. Then he shares his 'fingering'...

Fantasy #35: 'Break Time' - You're in your office humming that annoying Diet Coke jingle (and you can't even stand to drink the stuff) and you suddenly realize the music's live, the singer's live, and that delivery boy in the tight jeans and t-shirt carrying a case of Diet Coke into your office is Nunkies. Oh, well, of *course* you'll join him in a toast, you think as he sets down the case and closes your office door . . .

Fantasy #36: We've all seen 'Pin the Tail on the Donkey' - try it Nunkies Anonymous style - 'Find the Garlic Clove on the Nunkies' - We secure him with the holy handcuffs, *accidentally* let a clove slip down his collar, and to help our warm fuzzy out, all the blindfolded addicts must hands-on track that garlic down!

Fantasy #37: 'Nunkies, Take Me Away!' - After a hard day at work, you arrive home, only to find the lights aglow and a fire burning in the fireplace.

Lacroix greets you at the door with a passionate kiss and escorts you to the candlelit dining room where your favourite meal has been prepared, accompanied by an excellent wine, vintage. After dinner, Lacroix tells you to run along and check out the present he's left for you in your bedroom - to heck with the dishes, he'll hire someone to take care of all that in the morning.

Inside a beautifully wrapped box, you find 1) a deposit slip showing that $500,000 has just been put into *your* account, 2) a cc of a letter that's been sent to your employer explaining that you've had to quit because you have infinitely better things to do with your time, and 3) a very sexy red negligee that compliments you in every way imaginable.

Lacroix enters the room and asks, "What are you doing for the next 1,000 years???" then asks if you have any ideas on how to pass the time...

Fantasy #38: 'Lucien Lacroix, the World's Sexiest Accountant' - Groan! It's tax season again - but never fear! Your favorite vampire decides to hang up his CPA shingle and help you explore the intricacies of figures, appreciation, amoritization, and partnerships. As an added bonus, Nunkies will set you up on a personal payment plan for his services that you won't find too draining! (Tax table scene optional)

Fantasy #39: 'Time to unwind' - You and Nunkies attend a Halloween party. You appear as the Bride of Frankenstein (big streaked hair and all!) and Nunkies "wound-up" being dressed as the mummy. Throughout the course of the evening, you twirl just a little bit of the costume off at a time, but leaving enough for after the party ends and you two can really "wind-down" the evening.

Fantasy #40: 'He'll Do What??!!!' - Nunkies comes over to your house and changes the kitty litter box. Now that's a man!!! After he finishes he takes a little time to stroke our fuzzy mascot Jake and hand-feed him catnip. *purr, purr*

Fantasy #41: 'We'll call him....' - Your friend goes into labor with her first baby, and who should the assisting nurse in the delivery room be but Nunkies! When her pain escalates, he whammies her into sweet submission. She no longer feels any pain and is focused on the task at hand, happy and content. After the child is delivered effortlessly, the doctor proclaims "It's a boy!" LC turns to our new mommy and daddy (thump, thump-----thump, thump) and says "You'll name him Lucius." They nod in agreement as they look lovingly at their bouncing blonde baby boy with the icy blue eyes!

Fantasy #42: 'The Birthday Fantasy' - It's your birthday and you think that Nunkies has forgotten about it; that is until someone knocks on your door. Opening up the door, you find your guest is Nunkies, clad in only a big red bow, strategically placed. He tells you to unwrap your present - and you don't want to upset or dissapoint Nunkies, so you do as you are told.

Fantasy #43: Your car breaks down on a deserted road during a violent storm. In the distance, you see an old Victorian mansion. You go to the house in search of a phone to call for help.

After getting no answer to your frantic knocking, you discover the door is unlocked and cautiously enter the house. It looks deserted. All the furniture is covered and there is a thick coating of dust everywhere.

Exploring the house, you discover a bedroom and decide to wait out the storm here. Getting out of your wet clothes, you climb into the bed, dressed only in your birthday suit. A movement in the shadows catches your eye. Lightning flashes and you see Lucien standing in the corner, smiling.

Moving slowly toward you, he begins unbuttoning his shirt as he whispers, "Fear not, my precious. I'll keep you safe from the storm."

Fantasy #44: 'Whammy Payback'- You suddenly find that you have an incredible talent for suggestion. The radioactive burrito you had for lunch must have given you mutant powers! After getting a free sample of everything your size at the local "Victoria's Secret" from a susceptible salesgirl, you rush over to Lacroix's place to see how persuasive you really can be.

You get him to *bwak!* like a chicken, but you aren't certain this was due to your new whammying abilities or the lure of the new silk thingys you put on. You resolve to try again and ask Nunkies to do something more romantically interesting, but to be scientific you have to strip first...

Fantasy #45: You're sitting in French class, trying to pay attention as the professor rambles on and on. This is, without a doubt, the most boring lecture she's ever given. Suddenly, you feel a prickling down your spine. I look to the classroom door, and there stands Nunkies, dresses in his usual black and holding a red rose. The teacher continues with the lecture, both she and the other students seem oblivious to his presence. He walks over and kneels before your desk, handing you the rose.

"Perhaps you would like some education of a more interesting variety." he says suavely.

He takes your hand and leads you out of the classroom and into his waiting limo. As the driver takes you to the airport, he holds you in his arms and lets you touch his peach fuzz. When you finally arrive at your town's tiny airport, you see his private jet waiting for you.

You fly to Paris so he can teach you how the real Parisians speak (also how they kiss!). He takes you to all the points of interest, holding you close as he whispers historical facts (among other things) in your ear.

You go to his home overlooking the Eiffel Tower, where he feeds you chocolate covered strawberries and champagne and reads aloud from some French poetry (in the orignal tongue, of course). He finally closes the book and murmurs sweet-nothings in French as he pulls you toward him for a searing kiss. When you come up for air, he says:

"Since you've been such a good student, I was wondering if you'd like me to become your permanent tutor."

Fantasy #46: You drag yourself into math class today thinking, yuck, after yesterday, I never want to come back in here! You sit down, totally despondent about the class, the teacher, *Everything*. As you sit doodling and waiting for class to start, a murmur goes through the room. You look up -- gasp!, it's Nunkies!

"Good morning class. Due to an unfortunate ... *incident*... last night, Mr. Smith will be out the rest of the year. I am Prof. Cross, and I will be filling in for him. After reviewing Mr. Smith's notes from the last few days, it has become clear to me that he should have been institutionalized long ago. So, everything done after, oh, let's say, April 1st, will be thrown out."

At this statement, the class erupts in laughter and applause.

As you get up to leave, Prof. Cross asks you to wait behind. After everyone has cleared the room, he walks over to the door, and you hear the lock clicking into place. "My dear," he purrs. "I understand you were having a little trouble with Mr. Smith. I have taken care of it for you." You run over to Prof. Cross and throw yourself at him, thanking him profusely.

"Umm, how would you like to be ...the teacher's pet?"

Fantasy #47: 'Lucien Lacroix, Auto Mechanic' - Imagine Nunkies in a black leather jumpsuit. (Embroidered nametag optional). He offers to inspect your chassis, plus give a free oil change and lube. Funny though, Nunkies knows you don't have a car...

Fantasy #48: Nunkies willingly agrees to play Strip 'You Don't Know Jack (or Strip Trivial Pursuit), thinking he will win easily.

"But my dear, I *do* know Jack. I am Lacroix..."

Too late he realizes that you are using the 'Sesame Street Edition'. He loses his Armani when he doesn't know the words to the Ernie/Placido Flamingo 'Up and Down' song, then his shorts (literally) when asked to spell 'Snufflupagous'.

Fantasy #49: But look! It's a bat! It's a vampire! It's a Toronto radio personality!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's........ 'SuperNunkies to the Rescue!' (Insert Powerful Theme Music Here) You are a poor damsel in peril. All you want is to be a modern woman: get through the day, get what you want, and have buff slave boys worship you as the goddess you are, all with a minimal amount of bloodshed. Unfortunately, the world forgot to read the script. You've been used, abused, and disrespected. And you've failed a math test. Life sucks.

But what's this?!? Out of the darkness flies a hero - a man of power, a man who knows the best revenge is revenge, a man with a silky turn of phrase and an excellent tailor, a man in a tight-fitting black leather suit who sweeps you into his arms and looks at you with those dreamy blue eyes and queries,

"Is there anyone you'd like me to squash like a bug, my dear?"

"Why...yes, SuperNunkies...yes, there is," you reply, pulling a conveniently alphabetized and cross-referenced list from the bodice of your black silk crepe gown (You *are* a goddess, you know. You have to dress the part.)

SuperNunkies demonstrates the intricacies of tasteful bloodshed and bug-squashing, then flies you back to your place. First he tells you that the standard rules employed by Math professors are irrevelant.

"You *can* divide by zero," he confides. "It's an Ancient Vampire Secret, along with how to get rid of that embarrassing white-around-the-collar."

Then SuperNunkies asks to be your slave boy and worship you like the goddess you are.

Let me return to the NA Homepage.