The Nunkies Fantasy Manual Lacroix reading.

The Nunkies Fantasy Manual derives from the general wackiness that consumes an e-mail list consisting of approximately eighty members. We are Nunkies Anonymous: fans of the television series Forever Knight who find themselves dreaming about the Lacroix character's warm, fuzzy side way too often! The Manual is a fictional work meant in silliness and fun on the part of the NA loop. It in no way represents any serious intent. In fact, seriousness tends to give us upset tummies.

Fantasy #1: 'Nunkies is a Many Splendored Thing' - Lacroix takes you to a Roman Bath, where he feeds you Godiva chocolates by the teeth while wearing a skimpy toga.

Fantasy #2: You and Lacroix play Twister.

Fantasy #3: Lacroix pretends that he is a cowboy and practices his lasso tricks by roping you.

Fantasy #4: Lacroix wears tasty green scrubs and plays Doctor. Sponge baths available for 'good' patients.

Fantasy #5: 'Wallowing in Your Addiction' - Lacroix recites Baudelaire's poem "Harmonie du soir" to you in French while you share a warm mud bath. 'Le violon frémit comme un coeur qu'on afflige..." (A violin quivers like the afflicted heart)

Fantasy #6: Indulging in bodypainting, Lacroix covers you with the text of his favorite Nightcrawler monologues. (Caution: The small brushes tickle!)

Fantasy #7: 'Lucien, Lord of the Jungle' - Lacroix wears a loincloth (leopard print or skin of the mighty wildebeast - your choice). You engage in jungle-y activities like swinging on vines and thumping his chest. Waterfall scene optional.

Fantasy #8: 'Fun at the Picture Show': You stage a private performance of "Rocky Horror" in which Lacroix has the title role (gold lame underpants included). You get to play Janet, and he has to 'toucha-toucha-touca-touch' you.

Fantasy #9: Lucien Lacroix, Personal Masseuse. 'Nuf said.

Fantasy #10: 'French Lessons' - Lacroix helps you conjugate while modelling only a beret and a baguette. You suddenly get really hungry for some toast...

Fantasy #11: 'Better Than Chicken Soup' - Hearing that you are sick, Lacroix comes over to put Vicks' Vap-o-Rub on your chest with tender, loving care.

Fantasy #12: 'Everything's Coming Up Rosebuds' - Lacroix is decoratively draped in a garland of flowers - and nothing but! You get to pluck petals saying, "He loves me, he loves me not."

Fantasy #13: 'The Swiss Chalet' - You and Lacroix become stranded in the Alps and must seek shelter from the daylight in a small herdsman's hut. The only supplies you can find are a pile of sable furs (synthetic or real, your choice)and a cupboard full of fine chocolates. Lacroix lures you close with a truffle, then suggests you 'get out of those wet things' so that he can warm you up. (For added enjoyment, see Nunkies Fantasy #9: "Lucien Lacroix - Personal Masseuse".)

Fantasy #14: Lacroix instructs you in zoology by personally demonstrating the concept of 'animal magnetism'. Prerequisites: NUNK 1228 'Growling for Pleasure', and NUNK 0079 'The Wonderful World of Phermones'

Fantasy #15: 'The Experiment' - Agreeing to aid you in your scientific endeavors, Lacroix and you share a jacuzzi. You must thoroghly examine him underwater while attempting to answer the burning question, "Do vampires get pruney?" Warning: this fantasy usually requires repetition in order to confirm any 'discoveries'.

Fantasy #16: 'Lucien Lacroix, Shower Repairman' - Lacroix agrees to assist you in getting your new Teledyne Water-pik Massager to work *just right*. Strangely, you can't get the setting off 'pulse'. (Vampire Mango Body Wash and loofah optional)

Fantasy #17: 'Juan Valdez - Eat Your Heart Out' - In the midst of a caffeine emergency, Lacroix comes to your door bearing a double espresso and fudge-dipped biscotti - a steamy, dark beverage in the arms of a steamy, dark man. After your first sip of Colombian ambrosia, you suddenly realize that Lacroix is wearing nothing but his sombrero and serape. (Frijoles the Wonder Burro optional)

Fantasy #18: 'Lucien Lacroix, Immortal Sundae' - As if the man wasn't good enough to eat already, you have a smorgasbord of Nunkies covered in the Ben&Jerry's flavor of your choice, whipped cream, hot fudge and sprinkles. (Type of nuts - your choice, spoon optional)

Fantasy #19: 'Cooking with LC' - World Famous Chef Lucien Lacroix teaches you how to prepare his secret tiramisu recipe, dressed only in apron, kerchief and chef's hat. (Whipped cream optional)

Fantasy #20: 'Fire Chief Lacroix' - After being trapped in a burning building (no reference to the Human Factor here), fire chief Lacroix comes to your rescue just in the "Nick" of time. You appear to be fine, but just to be certain, he performs very extensive mouth to mouth. And just to make sure you are REALLY all right, he takes you home (after all, it wasn't your place that was on fire anyway) and gives you the full-bodied first-aid treatment, clad only in his little red hat, rubber boots and free-hanging suspenders.

Fantasy #21: 'Night-night with the Nightcrawler' - Lacroix visits you at bedtime. He helps you put on your 'jammies', tucks you in (along with himself, we hope), feeds you milk and cookies (or fruit and champagne, your choice), and reads to you from an assortment of bedtime stories. "Green Eggs and Ham", "How the Grinch Stole Christmas", or books of a more adult nature are available for a private reading.

Fantasy #22: 'Is He Ticklish?' - Lacroix is at your mercy and you're armed with a feather. You must lightly tease every square centimeter of his person for any sensitive spots - but turnabout is fair play - if LC isn't ticklish, you are at *his* mercy.

Fantasy #23: 'Under The Big Top' - You and Uncle attempt to see if two people really can fit into a pair of those super-sized clown pants. Seltzer bottle optional.

Fantasy #24: 'Groovin With Uncle' - Bodypaint from fantasy #6 takes on a whole new meaning. Wearing only love beads and a dangling headband, Lacroix and you practice the lost art of free love while lying under the moonlight in an empty grassy park. Optional: the time before and/or after can be used to explore the many wonders of fingerpainting on human (or inhuman) flesh.

Fantasy #25: 'The Date' - Lacroix is taking you out for a fine evening at The Jeweled Peach. He arrives to pick you up, takes a single white rose, brushes it with a kiss, then presents it to you.

Suddenly, Lacroix frowns and says, "That dress you have on - I don't like it."

Miffed at the change of mood, you retort, "Then do something about it."

Lacroix does. Carrying you to your bedroom, he proceeds to take off your clothing, then fastens you into a new outfit. Still unsatisfied, Nunkies works his way through your entire wardrobe in a symphony of zipping, unzipping, buttoning, unsnapping and the whispers of sliding fabric.

He finally announces, "You have nothing to wear."

"Apparently not," you agree, happily bare. "You know, Lucien...I *don't* like that suit..."

Fantasy #26: You're sitting in a restaurant, when the maitre 'd approaches. You look up and notice that it is Nunkies, wearing coat tails and nothing else. Well, not much else. You do wonder whether the bow-tie isn't usually worn around the neck rather than slightly lower down on the anatomy.

Fantasy #27: It's just another one of those days that everyone tries to forget. After oversleeping, you rush off to work ten minutes late. Minuscule drops of rain hit you as you run to your truck. "The umbrella is in the truck. I know it is," you think to yourself. You're in such a hurry to get to the Medical Center, where you are working as a temporary, you forget to check for your umbrella.

On the way to the Medical Center you notice several accidents and high waters. Thankful for the sensible truck, you happily speed your way to the bus shuttle stop, because parking at the hospital is $10 a day.

You think about kicking yourself when you can't find your umbrella. You run down to the shuttle stop to find that the shuttle has been canceled. You slosh your way back to your truck and now resemble a drowned rat.

Shivering, you make yourself think of your nice warm bed. You can't find a decent radio station. It's time for a commercial break. The announcers scream, "save, Save, SAVE!!!" You realize you're developing a migraine and a nervous tick.

Home, sweet home. You pull into the driveway and run into your apartment. You're very suprised to see nunkies lounging in your laz-E-boy.

"Let's find you something dry," he suggests. He helps you remove every stitch of wet clothing and wraps your favorite robe around your shoulders. The two of you return to the living room where you sit next to him. You grimace at the bright lights of the kitchen because of your migraine. You recline and rest your head in his lap as he begins to massage your temples.

A few minutes later the migraine has disappeared but you are still cold. You and he go back to the bedroom where you spend the rest of the day keeping each other warm and cuddling.

Fantasy #28: Luckily for us, you-know-who goes on a cow blood bender, causing a glut in the leather goods market. Nunkies, being a clever consumer, decides to take advantage. His rooms at the Raven are redone in black leather. Black leather paneling on the walls, black leather sofas, black leather waterbed...Lacroix's wardrobe is no exception, and Armani dolls him up in several new leather suits - magnifique! But what's not common knowledge is Nunkies' new fascination with black leather underwear...

Fantasy #29: 'Lucien Lacroix, Enfant Terrible' - Oh dear. It's come time for your student teaching assignment, and you just don't know if you're prepared for the challenge! Nunkies graciously agrees to be your kindergartner so that you can 'educate' him. Lacroix misbehaves when he's supposed to create an alphabet out of macaroni, so you have to punish him. Are you in favor of Corporal Punishment? The day improves when snack time arrives, followed by a few lessons in the art of taking naps.

Let me return to the NA Homepage.