Sideshow Bob Starring in the Simpsons

Cape Feare (#9F22)

The Summary:

Sideshow Bob is released from jail (for the second time). He goes on to threaten and stalk Bart, a la "Cape Fear". The Simpsons enter the Witness Protection Program, and become The Thompsons, living at Terror Lake. Sideshow Bob is captured by the police when Bart tricks Bob into singing an entire musical before Bob kills him.

The Cast:

STARRING: Sideshow Bob, Bart.
ALSO: Homer, Marge, Lisa, Maggie, Chief Wiggum, that lawyer with the glasses.
CAMEOS: Ned and Maude Flanders, Snake, Santa's Little Helper, Milhouse, Nelson.
GUEST-STARS: Two Witness Relocation Program Guys.

The Show:

Bart and Lisa are watching "Up late with McBain". McBain enters the stage and tells the music director that his clothes make him look like a homosexual. The audience boos, and McBain says, "Maybe you all are homosexuals too."
Bart and Lisa complain about the show, saying, "Fox has sunk to a new low." Marge brings in the mail, and gives Lisa a letter from her overseas pen-pal:
"Dear Lisa, as I write this I am very sad. Our President has been overthrown, and... (now the voice changes to a man's)...replaced by the bebevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."
Bart on the other hand, has gotten a letter saying, "I'm going to kill you." Disturbed by this bad news, Bart makes a scared face as the camera switches...

...to our villain. Making a small prick in his finger, the bad guy writes the words, "Die Bart Die" on a piece of paper, with his own blood. He then switches to a list which reads: "Threaten Bart, do laundry." He checks off those to items, and adds, "Buy corn holders".

Back at the Simpson's house, Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Itchy is sitting next to a sign that says, "We pay your pet $75". Scratchy sees it, and runs into the building. Itchy moves away from the sign and "pay" turns out to be "spay". Scratchy pulls the plug on a laser which is about to "fix" him with his tongue, but Itchy then chops him to bits with an axe (or something like that).
Lisa thinks the show is hilarious, but Bart is terrified. Homer suddenly yells from the other room, "Oh my God, someone is trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart." as he reads another death-threat.
Now the family is all in the kitchen discussing the problem, but they can't settle anything. The next day at school, Bart is hiding in the jungle gym when Milhouse comes up to him and reports that the girls are planning on calling him "Fatty fatty fat-fat." and Nelson is going to pull his pants down, but no one wants to kill him. Bart, relieved, stands up. Then Nelson yanks his pants down, and all of the girls start chanting, "Fatty fatty fat-fat."

The next morning on the radio, Bart hears, "Alright, this is dedicated to Bart Simpsons with the message, "I am going to kill you slowly and painfully." The radio starts playing "Wipeout".
Bart goes downstairs to find Marge cutting out a piece of paper that says "Die" on the back..."Bart," she says, "I'm going to get you . . . some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much on Diet Cola."
Now outside, Bart runs into Ned Flanders, who has a nasty looking glove with great big blades on the fingers, "Say your prayers Simpson! . . . 'Cause the schools can't force you like they should!"
In school, Mrs Krabapel says to Bart, "You're going to be my murder victim, Bart . . . in the school play!..."

Now we go to Marge, who's speaking with Chief Wiggum.
WIGGUM: "I'd like to help you, ma'am, but there's no law against sending threatening letters."
MARGE: "I'm pretty sure there is."
WIGGUM: "The day I take cop lessons from 'Ma Kettle'..."
LOU: "Hey, she's right, chief."
WIGGUM: "Well shut my mouth!" (Now he's reading the book Lou brought in) "- it's also illegal to put squirrels in your pants for the purposes of gambling." (Turns around and looks in the next room where some guy has a squirrel in his pants) "Boys, knock it off!"

Back at the Simpson residence, Lisa wonders if Moe is the person threatening Bart. She calls him up and says, "We know you're the one behind this, so knock it off, or we're going to the cops!"
To which Moe replies, "No, no! I'll take care of it." Then he goes into the back room, where he's storing some Pandas, and kicks them out.

Bart is in his room alone, and he says, "I know you're out there somewhere, but where? Where?"
The camera does a quick-pan over to Springfield Penetentiary. The villain is writing, "See you soon, Bart." and begins to cackle with evil glee; it's Sideshow Bob! He pulls out a fresh sheet of paper, and begins to write a letter (still in his own blood), "Dear Life in these United States, a funny thing happened to me..." and then he faints.
"Use a pen Sideshow Bob!" says Snake from a bunk.

The next day, we find Bob about to face the parole board. They're just finishing up with Snake, who gets his freedom. Bob says to Snake, "Take care, Snake, may the next time we meet be undermore felicitous circumstances."
"Gyuh?"
"Take care."
"Guh."
They call for For Sideshow Bob. As he and Snake pass, Sideshow says goodbye.
Now we get some testimony from various people who are familiar with Bob. First there's Chief Wiggum, who says, "Sideshow Bob has no decency, he called me Chief Piggum!"
Next we get Selma: "Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon." The lawyer asks how many people in the court are thinking of killing her right now, and everyone puts up their hands.
A lawyer begins questioning Bob about Bart, "Robert, if you were released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?"
"Bart Simpson? The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?"
A man on the parole board says, "We object to the term 'urine-soaked hellhole' when you could have said pee pee soaked heckhole."
"Cheerfully withdrawn."
Then a woman asks him, "What about that tattoo on your chest. Doesn't it say, 'Die Bart, die?"
"No," says Bob, "That's German for "The Bart, the."
"Oh!" the woman says quietly to the other members of the panel, "No one who speaks German could be an evil man."

Having gained his freedom thanks to the parole board, Bob sets out from jail. He finds his way to an "Ernest" movie, which the Simposons also happen to be watching. Bob's laughing noisily, and Marge complains. Homer agrees with her, and then suddenly laughs even more loudly. Bob says, "Oh really now, that's too much!"
Lisa and Bart scream, "AAAAAH - Sideshow Bob!"
Marge adds, "You awful man. Stay away from my son."
To which Bob replies, "Oh, I'll stay away from your son alright - stay away FOREVER!"
"Oh no!" Homer says worriedly.
Bob then says, "Wait a minute - that's no good...euuuegheughhee..." He walks out of the theatre, but then runs back in, "Wait a minute, I've got a good one now. Marge, say: 'Stay away from my son!' again."
Marge says no, and Bob replies by moaning his trademark "Euuegheuughheee."

The next day, Wiggum sets up the Simpson's home to catch Sideshow Bob. His setup fails miserably.

After the Wiggum fiasco, Homer goes to a Private Eye, who tells Homer that he'll run Bob out of town. We find the P.I. with Bob in a bar saying, "Come on, leave town!"
Bob: "No."
"I'll be your friend..."
"No."
"Aw, you're mean."

Now we have Sideshow Bob driving down the Simpson's street, and he calls out over a P.A. system, "The following neighbourhood residents will not be killed by me: Ned Flanders, Maude Flanders..." (Ned says, "Oh, isn't that nice?") "...Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Lisa Simpson, that little baby Simpson...that is all."
Homer runs up to Bart's room, "Woo-hoo! Did you hear that Bart? Heh--oh..."

The Simpson's now look to the Witness Relocation Program. They give the Simpsons a choice of several places to "...hide in peace and security. Terror Lake, Cape Fear, New Horrorfield, Screamville..."
Homer breaks in, "Oooh! Icecreamville!"
"No, Screamville."
"Aaaah!"
The WRP guys decide to rename the Simpsons to the Thompsons (Homer would rather be John Elway), and move them out to Lake Terror. Unfortunately, they have some trouble getting Homer used to his new last name... I don't know if he ever really figured it out.

The next day we see The Simpsons heading off to their new home (Homer's wearing a Witness Relocation Program t-shirt). The family starts to sing "Three little maids from school are we". The camera pans down, and we see Sideshow hanging from the bottom of the car! The camera catches him just in time to see his head get hit on a bump in the road.
A little later, Homer takes a sip of his coffee, only to find it's too hot, so he pours it out the side of the car, where it scalds Bob. then he asks if the kids want to drive through a cactus patch. Bart and Lisa yell "Yeah!", while Bob moans, "No!" from underneath the car.
"Whoah - two against one!" says Homer as he swerves off the road and into the cactuses.

A fake opening credits scene with the singers singing, "The Thompsons" instead of "The Simpsons" is shown, and then we see the Simpsons showing up at their new home. As they move into the houseboat, Bob rolls out from under the car, only to step on a rake. He moans, "Eeuugheueghhhooo..." then steps on another. He keeps on stepping on rakes...
We can still hear him moaning as we head into the houseboat, where Marge says, "We've left it all behind - how can you make a clean break of your life?"
To which Homer replies, "Relax Marge, I tied up all the loose ends before we left."
Or so he thinks. Back at their old home, we find Grandpa Simpson outside, yelling, "You have my pills...I'm cold and there are wolves after me."

Back in Terror Lake, Bart is walking along when a car pulls up next to him. He hears Bob say, "Hello Bart." Bart screams, but there's just a little old lady in the car. Then Bob says, "Down here Bart." Bart looks down, and Bob unties himself from the bottom of the car. His head gets hit by the bumper as the car drives away.
"What do you want?" Bart asks.
"Surely there's no harm in laying in the middle of a public street?" says Bob. At this point, the marching band shows up and starts walking on him. Sideshow Bob can be heard yelling, "Not the Elephants!" as he gets run over by several of the large grey beasts.

Bart bursts into the houseboat, and yells, "Mom, dad! I saw Sideshow Bob and he threatened to kill me!"
"Bart!" scolds Homer, "Don't interrupt!"
"Homer this is serious!" says Marge.
"Oh it is not." replies Homer.

Now we find Bob in the Motel Bates, writing, "Roman Numeral three - surprise boy in bed...(takes a sip of wine)...and ummm, disembowel him! No I don't like that 'bowel' in there...and....'gut' him. Ah! Le mot juste!" (For those of you who don't know French, Bob is saying "the right word!"

Now we go to the "Thompsons'" houseboat. Bart is in bed, and Homer busts into the room with a sharp butcher knife, and yells, "BART, DO YOU WANT SOME BROWNIES BEFORE YOU GO TO BED?" Bart tries to explain to Homer that Sideshow Bob is making him very edgy. Homer apologizes and leaves. A few seconds later he comes running in again with a chainsaw and yells, "BART, YOU WANNA SEE MY NEW CHAINSAW AND HOCKEY MASK?"

Late in the night, Bob gets on the houseboat. Unfortunately for him, there's a rake sitting on the deck (Wham! "Euugheguugehgheeoo...") He enters Bart's room and greets him, "Hello Bart."
"Mom, Dad!"
"Your family can't help you now!" Bob tells his victim.
Then we cut to the rest of the Simpsons, who are tied up in another room. Lisa sees that Homer is knocked-out cold and drooling, and she says, "Oh no, Dad's been drugged!"
"No he hasn't." says Marge.
Now Bob chases Bart through the houseboat. Bart makes it outside, and runs to the front of the boat. He's about to jump, but the river is full of alligators. He runs to the back and finds a bunch of electric eels. He runs back to the front and upon seeing the alligators again says, "Oh yeah."

Now Bob has Bart cornered, "Well Bart, any last requests?"
"Well there is one," replies Bart, "But...nah."
Bob says, "No! Go on!"
Bart, seeing that they aren't too far from Springfield, stalls Sideshow Bob, "Well, you have such a beautiful voice."
"Guilty, as charged."
"Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the H.M.S. Pinnafore."
"Very well Bart, I shall send you to heaven before I send you to hell. And a-two and a-three: We sail the ocean blue, in a saucy ship of beauty. We are sober men and few, and attentive to our duty."
We now go through a series of scenes where Sideshow sings different songs from the H.M.S. Pinnafore.
"I'm poor little buttercup, poor little buttercup though I could never tell why..."
Bart even joins him in one:
"What never? No never! What never? Hardly ever! He's hardly ever sick at sea!"
And finally:
"For he himself has said it, and it's clearly to his credit, that he is an English Man. He remains an English Maaaaan!"
Bart applauds, and then Bob announces, "And now, the final curtain." At which point the boat hits shore. Chief Wiggum and a bunch of other cops show up to arrest Sideshow Bob, who cries, "By Lucifer's beard!"
"It's a good thing you drifted past this brothel." says Wiggum.
Bart explains his plan to stall Sideshow Bob by getting him to sing the H.M.S. Pinnafore, to which Homer says, "A plan fiendishly clever in it's intricacies."

The show concludes with the Simpsons arriving back at home, where Grandpa has turned into a woman because he didn't get his pills! Marge tells Homer to get the pills for Grandpa, but then Jasper (the bearded old guy) shows up and tells Homer to wait, because he'd like to court this fine young lady. Grandpa blushes and says, "Fresh!" or something like that, and they all live happily ever after.

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