*A Murderous Christmas Carol*
Deck the halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Throw that stiff up on the dolly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Talk to us and if you're willing
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Tell us who did all this killing
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Tell us how you want forgiveness
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
You don't know we've got a witness
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Talk to us, you've nothing to lose
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Why's there blood upon your gym shoes?
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Want to make a good impression?
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Make yourself a fast confession!
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
*Boulton, the red haired copper*
Boulton the red-haired copper,
Had a very shiny car,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say "Wee Haa"
All of the other coppers,
Used to laugh and call him names,
That's 'cos dear old Boulton,
Wouldn't let them play his games.
Then one foggy Winters night,
Meadows came to say,
"Boulton with your car so bright,
You can go on obbo tonight"
Oh how the coppers love him,
And they shouted out with glee,
to Boulton the red-haired copper,
"Sarge, rather you than me!"
*While CID watched crooks by night*
While CID watched crooks by night,
all seated in the car.
Skasey boy preened his hair,
wished he was at the bar.
John gave the cry, they leapt up high
to catch those wicked crooks.
Rodney tripped upon the street
Which stuffed up his good looks
He'll be all right, John Boulton cried,
we've got bigger fish to catch.
Skase picked himself up off the ground,
but found his comb was scratched.
He swore out loud when he saw the comb
and blamed it all on John.
"You are a sad git Rodney Skase,"
he was informed by Tom.
John caught the crooks and read their rights,
then got them to confess.
The DI praised him for his work,
Cause the DS IS THE BEST!!!
*Good King Wenceslas*
Good King Wenceslas got smashed
On the feast of Stephen
Eddie said you failed to stop
In this bag your breathin’
The lights they went from green to red
Because of too much brandy
He’s bound to lose his license now
He should have stuck to shandy."
*12 Days of Christmas*
On the first day of Christmas Claire Stanton sent to John, a pair of golden handcuffs,
On the second day of Christmas June Ackland sent to Bob, a love letter and a pension scheme,
On the third day of Christmas Tony Stamp ate 12 mince pies and Polly Page bloody smiled for once,
On the fourth day of Christmas Vicky Hagen gave to Tony, a race back to Sun Hill.,
On the fifth day of Christmas the Guv he said to Reg, 'You have to move to Glasgow',
On the sixth day of Christmas Don he said to Trev, 'Off the camera or I'll break your legs!' ,
On the seventh day of Christmas Dave Quinnan gave to Polly, a bunch of red roses,
On the eighth day of Christmas Charlie Brownlow gave to Derek, his promotion and a nice warm wig,
On the ninth day of Christmas Cass Rickman gave to Sam, a big sloppy kiss,
On the tenth day of Christmas John Boulton gave to Claire, a pair of pink fluffy handcuffs,
On the eleventh day of Christmas Burnside gave to Deakin, a lesson on how to catch crooks,
On the twelfth day of Christmas the relief gave to themselves, a great big holiday!!
*Trev's Christmas Carol*
Christmas came so soon
Whispered June
It’s starting to snow
Danny watch that ‘fro
Look at the robin bobbin on the log
Look at it Bob!
Hey Jack
Santa’s got a great big sack
Presents galore
Deakin wants more
Harker got a brand new Parker
McCann got a van so he sang
Ho Ho Ho Monroe
A Christmas party they were to have
Hosted by Jim the Lad
So Vicky pulled a sicky
Cass made a dash
While Smiffy shouted ‘I’ll be there in a Jiffy’
‘This wine tastes rank’
Yelled formidable Frank
All was revealed when Mickey Webb said
‘ Duncs was drunk
Kerry too was merry
And asked to marry
The one and only Reggie!
Nick was sick
Much to the dismay of Mr Conway’.
"More mince pies!"
Cries impish Di
A reef of holly was given to Polly
Daly sung carols Gaily
Newbie Ben went to get turkey from the Den
But devious Beech
Had eaten all the meat.
Johns no slacker
When it comes to pulling Christmas crackers
Matt gave Clark a peck
In the dark
It was all too much for Dave
Who told him to behave
Light that lantern and that lamp
Ms Claire Stanton and Mr Stamp
Its time to go
Said Mr Brownlow
The Party was Brill
For the Gang of Sun Hill
*We Two Drivers of the Area Car*
We two drivers of the area car,
Tony and Vicky, drive very fast,
To catch the Robber
Through Sun hill Streets all day...
Turn on the lights,
Turn on the noise,
Get out the way were not stopping,
Carry on speeding, still proceeding
Until the end of shift.
Hark the station bells are ringing*
Hark the stations bells are ringing,
Off to the shout goes Dave Quinnan
Meek and mild, Polly Page
Garfield and Quinnan reconcile.
Joyful are all in CID
Joyful are all in custody
With Smiffy he proclaims
Trouble with Matt Boyden
Hark the station bells do ring.
For our love, for The Bill...
*Vicky drives the area car*
Sung to "Jingle Bells"
Vicky drives, The area car, Through the streets of Sun hill all day,
Up goes a shout , off she goes, get out of her way,
Vicky drive, She drives fast, wondering what itll be
May be its an RTA , she'll have to wait and see..
Sunhill Cells, Sunhill Cells, they're as full as can be,
Matthew Boyden in a stew, Lets send them all away
Sunhill cells, Sunhill Cells, they're full to bursting
Off to Barton street they go, Lets get them out our way.
*Away in a cell somewhere in the nick*
Away in a cell, Somewhere in the nick
Matthew Boyden keeps control, of the crooks in the nick,
"shut it" he cries , "you cant have ya brief"
Give it a rest, for i need some sleep
Brownlow upstairs, He hears all the fuss
Sends Conway to sort out , The mess in the Nick
Dave and Tony both decided , to go for a brew
Bob Cryer in there, And dont know what to do..
*The Three Coppers*
(With apologies to John Wheeler & WG James' "The Three Drovers")
Across Sun Hill on Christmas night
,
Three coppers - Cockney, Yorkshire, Scouse -
Looked up and saw a strobing light
High above on Bronte House;
And on their hearts frustration fell,
They swore in rage
Noël, bloody Noël....
The air was ice with winter frost
And snow was on the fading moon,
But from the top of Bronte House
Came floating down a raucous tune;
And as they heard they swore
Noël, bloody Noël....
These coppers three -
Noël, bloody Noël....
The fireworks blazed across the sky,
The neighbours banged the walls in vain,
The starry lustre blazed on high
Still echoed on the deafening strain,
And still they swore
Noël, bloody Noël....
These coppers three,
Noël, bloody Noël....
*We Wish You a Kerry Christmas*
We e wish you a Kerry Christmas
We wish you a Kerry Christmas
We wish you a Kerry Christmas
And a Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring, to you and Deakin
We wish you a Kerry Christmas
And a Happy New Year.
*Deck the Halls with boughs of Polly*
Deck the halls with boughs of Polly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Liz, the season to be Rodney
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
Don we now our Dave apparel
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
While we sing the Sun Hill carol
Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
*We PCs of Sun Hill are/We CID of Sun Hill are*
We PCs of Sun Hill are
Reg in the caravan, Vicks in the car.
Gary's on duty, Polly's a cutie,
Tony goes "Ha ha ha ha"
We CID of Sun Hill are
Danny on obbo, Claire in the bar
Boulton's out nickin', Rodney's a chicken,
Duncan goes "Eh? Ooh ah!" (in a Scottish accent)
*Sun Hill night, Harker night*
Su-u-n Hill night, Har-ar-ker night
Sam is calm, in a fight
Round yon panda, punter and plod
Here's CID, it's Duncan and Rod
Sam's in Brownlow's good books now,
Sam is in Brownlow's good books.
*We Three Sergeants*
We three sergeants of Sunhill police station,
Bearing handcuffs, we laugh at creation,
Uncle Bob, Matthew and June
We will all be retiring soon.
Ooh June of wonder
June of light
June with all her beauty bright
Sunhill leading, all proceeding
guide us to that perfect sight.
Although we fight, we all do get on,
Matthew Boyden is the sarky one,
Uncle Bob keeps us in order
Trying to keep us within the border.
Ooh Bob of wonder
Bob is bright
Bob is always the shining light
Sunhill leading, all proceeding
guide us to that dangerous fight.
*We Three Plods*
We three plods in the area car,
bearing batons we travel afar,
street and beat, pub and club,
chasing after crooks.
Crook of light, crook of night,
crook with sodding sharp knife,
westward leading, still proceeding,
he’ll not make it out of sight.
Born a crook in a Sun Hill drain
lots a previous, a real pain,
crook forever, ceasing never,
till we lock him up.
A baton to offer have I,
just in case you fight,
I’ll not let you go,
so there’s nothing to do,
the charges are true.
Handcuffs to offer have I,
because I’ll nick you nigh,
you can be silent,
as we’re not reliant,
on a confession, tonight.
A cell to offer have I,
because you’ve been nicked,
once I’ve told the CPS,
you’ll soon do a stint,
in a place much like this.
Locked up now, banged up tight,
out of mind, out of sight,
for now this crook,
will no more look,
upon the streets of fair, Sun Hill.
*Harker! The Herald Angels Sing*
Harker! The herald Angels sing,
"Glory to the newborn Sam,
Peace in Sun Hill and mercy mild,
Cops and sinners reconciled!"
Joyful all ye Londoners rise,
Join the queues of the dome;
With the angelic hosts proclaim,
"Sam was born in St Helens!"
Harker! The herald Angels sing,
"Glory to the new born Sam."
Sam, by highest forumers adored,
Sam, the everlasting cop,
Late in pursuit behold him arrest,
Offspring of his Mummy's womb;
Veiled in uniform, the fluffnut see;
Hail the incarnate deity!
Pleased as man with woman to dwell,
Sam, our man:
Hail the St Helens-born cop of Peace!
Hail the cop of Righteousness!
Jail-life to sinners he brings,
Risen with nicking in his blood;
Sadly he lays his uniform by,
Born that man no more (naughty people) go free,
Born to jail the bad of Sun Hill,
Born to read them their rights.
*Away in an Office*
Away in an office,
no crib for a bed
the little ginger short arse,
lay down his sweet head
the detectives around him,
watched as he lay
the litter ginger man
at the end of the day
the villian's all locked up
the ginger one sleeps
no yelling or crying until he wakes
I love thee, John Boulton
in sleep and awake
you're such a good copper
we want you forever
so stay here moreover
be with us dear John
I ask thee to stay
and leave us never
we'll love thee forever
bess all your cases
in your tender care
and make the streets better
in dear old Sun Hill
*I'm dreamin' of a Ginger Christmas*
I'm dreamin' of a ginger christmas
just like the 'little one' we know
where pulse rates get risen
as 'listeners' listen
and watch Boulton go, go, go!
I'm dreamin' of a ginger christmas
with every email that i write
may your days be merry and bright
and may your christmas be ginger not white!!!
*We Three Plods*
We
three plods from Sunhill are,
Towing the wreck of the getaway car.
The slags in the bank
Didn't count on Stamp,
So didn't get that far.
Oh,
They were chased by the panda
As ordered by Chandler
They then tried to escape
But crashed into Page.
They dropped the wedge
Which was caught be Reg;
And ran straight at the area car.
*Twas the night before Christmas*
T'was the night before Christmas and all through Sun Hill
Not a creature was stirring, except for 'Old Bill'
The crims are tucked up in standard issue beds,
Their possessions have been taken, their rights have been read.
Matt Boyden is in custody, as ever hard at work,
Rumour says he falls for Vicky soon (Don't do it you berk!)
The canteen is empty, as the plods are on the beat,
Watching over the estates, walking the street.
The CID office is equally bare,
Duncan is on duty - asleep in his chair!
All is peaceful in CAD, but the switch comes alight
"Assistance required to the Canley Arms - theres been a fight!"
Tables turned over, glasses smashed on the floor,
The area car pulls over as the offenders run through the door.
"An IC1 male with a scar on his face"
He has no chance as our favourite coppers give chase.
The pursuers catch him up and grapple him to the floor,
They cuff him and read his rights as they open the car door
"Shut it, Save it, Watch your head -
On a night like this you should be in bed"
And so they take him back up to Sun Hill
just an average night for the plods of Old Bill.
While the streets are dark and quiet, the station stays alight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!
*Boulton, the red haired sergeant*
Boulton the red
-haired sergeant,
(sergeant)
Had a very re-ed head,
(like a bonfire)
And if you ever saw it
(saw it)
You would even say it glowed
(like a sunset)
All of the other 'tectives
('tectives)
Used to laugh and call him names
(like carrot top)
They never let poor Boulton
(Boulton)
Join any 'tective games
(like fit-ups)
Then one foggy Sun Hill eve,
Deakin came to say
(Oi, oi, oi)
Boulton, with your hair so bright,
Won't you guide my raid tonight?
Then all the 'tectives loved him
(loved him)
And they shouted out in glee,
(Yippee)
"Boulton, the red-haired sergeant,
(sergeant)
You'll go down in history!"
(Like Frank Burnside)
*Harker's Herald Angels Sing*
In tribute to Harker’s Angel’s and their Angel
Harker’s Herald Angels sing!
Glory to their belustful king,
peace on patrol, and the beat,
glad and smiling in the seat,
looking good enough to eat,
with the angelic grin to great,
Sam walks along the street,
Harker’s herald angels sing!
Glory to their belustful king,
the blonde old bill adored,
Sam’s, their angel born,
late to briefing he’ll not come,
he’ll handle Sun Hill's boiling sun,
especially if you happen to see,
a shirtless swimming deity,
down at the Lido, to dwell,
among the villains having fun,
Harker’s Herald Angels sing!
Glory to their belustful King!
Hail! the heav’n-born plod of peace,
Hail! the PC of Righteousness,
Light and life you’ll see he brings,
so much you’ll think he must have wings,
he’s good enough to be divine,
like when his pearly whites shine,
with his hair looking fine,
Harker’s Herald Angels sing!
Glory to their belustful King!
*Sun Hill Bells*
Sunhill Bells
Boulton smells
Kerry ran away
From the sight, of Matt's fight
In the do-or way, Hey!
Sunhill Bells
Matthew tells
Reggie to 'get lost'
June and Bob were holding hands
Along with several cans
Sunhill Bells
In the cells
Santa Claus had stood
Duncan said, 'he's been fed'
A load of Xmas pud, Oi!
Sunhill Bells
Quinnan yells
'Polly over here!'
Sgt Boyden needs to say
Merry Xmas...weh-hey!'
*Dashing Through The Streets*
A version of Jingle Bells
Dashing through the streets, in a shiny panda car,
Chasing after crooks, the rest are at the bar,
Radio by my side, flashing lights on top
We're on our way, hip hip hooray!
For the good old woodentops. Oh!
Poll and Dave, Cass and Sam, June and Jim and Reg
Yay for the good old uniform, they're always on the edge. Hey!
Gary, Vicks, Tony, George, Di and Smiffy too!
Look out for your Sun Hill mates
They'll stick to you like glue!
*Sun Hill European Christmas Holiday*
Sirens wail, they’re not list’ning
Cos Monroe is insisting
That they’re going away
For a week and a day
On Sun Hill’s European Christmas Hols
In Par-ee there’s some kissing
Jenny Quin....nan, is missing
The relief are agog
When Dave and Pol start to snog
On Sun Hill’s European Christmas Hols
In Amsterdam they come across a "snowman"
Who’s dealing his white powder all around
Tony wants to nick him
Nick says "No, man!"
Let’s have a bit of fun while we’re in town.....
Poor old Jim starts to snuffle
He’s wrapped up...in a duffle
He’s up a mountain that’s Swiss
But at least he’s not....drunk
On Sun Hill’s European Christmas Hols....
On Sun Hill’s European Christmas Hols
On Sun Hill’s European Christmas Hols!
*Ding Dong CID on High*
Ding Dong CID On High
In Heaven the snouts are singing
John Boulton’s a heavenly DI
Looking into halo ringing
La la la, la la, la, la etc....
He’s looking into halo ringing.
Ding Dong CID on High
He’ll question the halo seller
And he’ll have right by his side
Jo Morgan and Viv Martella
La la la, la la, la, la etc....
It’s Jo Morgan and Viv Martella
Ding Dong CID On High
Back-up has just been called in
And if you look closely you may spy
Cathy Marshall and Ken Melvin
La la la, la la, la, la etc....
Cathy Marshall and Ken Melvin
Ding Dong CID On High
They find his wares ill gotten
And now it’s time to say goodbye
To those gone but ne’er forgotten
La la la, la la, la, la etc....
They’re gone but ne’er forgotten.
*Silent Night*
Silent night, lonely night,
Pimps fall out, junkies fight,
Burglars plan the most cunning of schemes,
Blaggers dream their greediest dreams,
Another night in Sun Hill,
Another night in Sun Hill.
Silent night, lonely night,
Time for hate, time for spite,
Riots start on the Parkmead Estate,
CAD is busy and Polly is late,
Things are going downhill,
Things are going downhill.
Silent night, lonely night,
People hide, out of sight,
Murderers stalk the streets at will,
Lying in wait for people to kill,
Darkness hides many crimes,
Darkness hides many crimes.
Silent night, lonely night,
Streets are bathed in pale moonlight,
Viv Martella died long ago,
Eddie and Rosie, Cathy and Jo,
Remember those who have gone,
Remember those who have gone.
Silent night, lonely night,
Pol arrives and sets things right,
At the sound of her glorious voice,
Villains tremble and victims rejoice,
All is well in Sun Hill,
All is well in Sun Hill.
Silent night, lonely night,
All is calm, all is bright,
Polly Page full of kindness and love,
Heavenly angel sent down from above,
Nighttime passes away,
Dawn is here today.