Mind Bogglers

Please update your online dictionary definitions

Divorce : Future tense of marriage.

Cigarette : A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.

Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.

Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."

Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.

*

Money is not everything. 
There's MasterCard & Visa. 

One should love animals. 
They are so tasty. 

Save water. 
Shower with your friend. 

Love the neighbor. 
But don't get caught. 

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. 
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 

Every man should marry. 
After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 

Wise never marry. 
and when they marry they become otherwise. 

Success is a relative term. 
It brings so many relatives. 

Never put off the work till tomorrow 
what you can put off today. 

Love is photogenic 
It needs darkness to develop 

Children in backseats cause accidents 
Accidents in backseats cause children 

"Your future depends on your dreams" 
So go to sleep 

There should be a better way to start a 
day than waking up every morning 

"Hard work never killed anybody" 
But why take the risk ! (I don't want to be an exception!) 

"Work fascinates me" 
I can look at it for hours ! 

God made relatives; 
Thank God we can choose our friends. 

When two's company, 
three's the result ! 

The more you learn, the more you know, 
The more you know, the more you forget 
The more you forget, the less you know. 
So.. why learn 
*

Never argue with stupids. Once you start arguing, they will pull you down to their level and then beat you with their profound experience

Are you chewing gum?"
"No, I'm John Smith."

"I have changed! my mind."
Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"

"I spent three years in college taking medicine."
"Are you well now?"

"I want some rat poison."
"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"

"What are you going to be when you graduate?"
"An old man"

"My father was a Pole."
"North or South?"

Waiter: Would you like coffee black?
Customer: What other colors do you have?

Manager: Sorry, but I can't give u a job. I don't need much help.
Job Applicant: That's all right. In fact I'm just the right person in this
case. You see, I won't be of much help anyway!!

"Does water always come through the roof in this place?"
"No, sir, only when it rains."

"I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner."
"Who wants to eat your friend?"

"It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other."
"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."

"Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"
"No, you'll have to walk"

"Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"
But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
*

I was scared at first. It was very wide, and very long, and it angled straight up. I decided I had to try it once. I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it. It felt weird at first. Then I got used to it. I went up and down, and up and down on it. I was really loving it. *Now I ride on escalators all the time.* 

I took my fingers and slowly, gently stretched it apart. It was so pure and white. I licked it once, twice..I found I couldn't stop. I licked it faster and faster, and harder. I began to scrape my teeth against it. There it was, in my mouth! All sweet and creamy. I was done. * And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies* 

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was turning it on. It became firm in my hands, and the end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip. *Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.* 

I knew it could be done. I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it. I called my friend. He said he knew how to do it and would teach me. He put his arms around me and started. I watched nervously in the mirror. He finally finished and pulled back slowly. I felt relieved that it was over. * I hate neckties.* 

It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting. I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it. I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better. I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it. *But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.*

MORAL?It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.
*

HE: Can I buy you a drink? 
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money. 

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours. 
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours. 

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice? 
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice. 

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful? 
SHE: I must've been given your share. 

HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday? 
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend. 

HE: Your face must turn a few heads. 
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs. 

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out. 
SHE: Okay, get out. 

HE: I think I could make you very happy. 
SHE: Why? Are you leaving? 

HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me? 
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time. 

HE: Can I have your name? 
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one? 

HE: Shall we go see a movie? 
SHE: I've already seen it. 

HE: Where have you been all my life? 
SHE: Hiding from you. 

HE: Haven't I seen you some place before? 
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore. 

HE: Is this seat empty? 
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. 

HE: So, what do you do for a living? 
SHE: I'm a female impersonator. 

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign? 
SHE: Do not enter. 

HE: Your body is like a temple. 
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today. 

HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. 
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. 

HE: Where have you been all my life? 
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams. 

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..
PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
GIRL : Why not ??
BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : May I hold your hand??
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
BOY : What time was it??

Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.