What is the Omniscient Guru you ask? He is the most significant spiritual leader of our decade, perhaps even the century. He is the master of answers. Simply address a question to the Omniscient Guru using the email address on the link below, and behold, in a matter of days, the answer will appear to your question on this very page. Questions may relate to anything from "What is the average wingspeed of an unladen swallow?" to "Which direction is your favorite?" any and all will be answered with the infinite wisdom of the omniscient guru. As soon as you start asking, answers will appear.

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, Piglet, Calvin, of the holy scriptures of "Calvin and Hobbes," is indeed a deep and wise philosopher. I propose that I respond with another question "If everything you did mattered, would you still be wasting your time asking online guru's questions you dredged up from comic strips?"

                Oh Omniscient Guru, So I have a question, how serious are you and your girlfriend?(Marika)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Ahhh, Marika, have you too fallen for the infinite majesty and primeval animal magnetism of the Omniscient Guru? Alas, tis not to be. For I am a loyal and thoroughly whipped boyfriend, and could never stray from the arms of my one true love. It seems more and more I am leaving behind me a wake of broken hearts, as it seems that women everywhere are prone to longing for the unacheivable, and I am forced to spurn them most ungently. It must be the mystique and attraction of the website.

                When, wise one, will the United Staes admit their despicable involvement in the "west-canadian beaver trafficking" fiasco? (Germs)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Silly Germs. U.S. involvment in West-Canadian Beaver dates back all the way to the beginning of the Clinton administration (no pun intended) and will continue until such time as the nickname "Mounties" ceases to make teenage boys laugh uproariously and yell "Yeah, Dog!" in a ritualistic manner. On behalf of the United States, I would like to admit US involvement, thus the answer to your question ~ Now. Well, not now now, but rather shortly before said "now" being indicative of the time at which the admission was made, thus causing the . . . ohhh, whatever.

                Oh Omniscient Guru: I want you to answer a question posed by Dogbert. Should I take over the world using an army, or by starting a religion? (Piglett)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, Piglett, Dogbert is and excellent source of wisdom and knowledge, when you don't have access to my little electronic hideaway. To answer your question, true world domination is most efficiently acheived through a combination of military dominance and religious assault. As you'll note from my page The Cult of the Omniscient Guru I have already reached stage two in my master plan . . . but I say too much. For more information, you will have to join my brainwashing cult. 9 out of 10 insecure young people agree, it's "MMMMMMMmmmmm . . . Culty."

                Oh Omniscient Guru, you seem to be very sure of yourself, tell me oh confident one, do you have an unknown weakness that you could share? (Marika)

                The Omniscient Guru says: What? The Omniscient One and weakness? You must be absolutely stark raving mad! Well . . . I do have one. I'm notoriously addicted to the scent of my girlfriend's hair. Deprived of it for even a short while, I become bitter, irritable and acquire cold sweats and shivers. Does addiction count as a weakness?

                Oh Omniscient Guru: I am also a math fan (GO EMILIE!!!) and I was wondering just how it is used as medieval torture technique... I personally get a kick out of it. Thank so very much, Omniscient One. Also, I love the word spiffy and some of my people are getting sick of how often I use the term.... could you bless me with a few synonyms of the beautiful word??? Thank you. (E-Cousin)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, E-cousin, it's a rather simple process. Firstly, the victim of said torture is convicted of some horribly unforgivable crime such as being a traitor to the crown, being a heretic, being a communist, being a republican or being a high school freshman. After a court of tribunals satisfies the angry mob of justice, the convict is hoisted above their shoulders and body-surfs down to the lowest dungeon, where they are fed bread and water and old calculus materials. Than, they are forced to solve word problems and recite the decimal value of pi until they pass out from lack of air. Eventually, of course, they die from sheer lack of interesting outside stimuli and horrendous emotional agony. This particular technique has been banned by international treaty and UN sanctions, but still maintains an underground popularity with sick math-crazed freaks everywhere. As to your other, far more rational question, unfortunately the word spiffy has no direct translation, but several words of similar and nearly as entertaining meaning are: groovy, nifty, swell, zany, madcap, and farctate with facetious jocularity.

                To the sexy omniscient guru - Just one question. midnite, tonite? (the six, the sexy, chainsawgirlz)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, ladies, I won't pretend you're the first six lady team to try and tame the wild stallion that is the Omniscient Guru, but alas, I must confess, I can never love a woman who could mispell midnight . . . even six women. I can do you for a one night stand though . . . just this time bring the crisco, all right?

                Mr. Guru, we would like to know which one of us you would rather have a love affair with. Myself, or Angeleeyes? (CCCPB and Angeleeyes)

                The Omniscient Guru says: The Omniscient Guru is above such corporeal and personal attachments as you describe. If I ever became entangled in a relationship with either of you, I would love you both equally, and would not be using you for your body. Well, yes I would. And I'd come home late at night with liquor breath and lipstick marks in a color neither of you owns, but I could change! I could change, I swear it!

                Dear Mr. Omniscient Guru, I have a request for advice on the subject of etiquette. I assume, if I may, that you consider yourself above Dear Abby and Anne Landers and, therefore, seek your advice on a matter of supreme importance. What should one do if they coincidentally meet a former substitute teacher from Mr. Johnson's class that remembers them tapping out rhythms in preparation for Mr. Madura's Spanish Inquisition? Should one nod politely and quickly exit the room as if their pants are aflame or should one answer and begin a conversation that consists of school topics, which is a very unwanted subject for discourse, at least in my mind? Also, would the fact that it was a rather unpopular and badly bred teacher make a difference? (Confused at the Computer)

                The Omniscient Guru says: The best policy is the same for subsitute teachers no matter what the situation. Proper etiquette for subs is very simple ~ try and make them cry. If you think this particular sub was aching for any human contact and was being eaten up on the inside from a heart rending lonliness that comes from the isolation of poorly bred substitute teaching, then the best bet is to explain, in small words, that you need to be alone right now, because you don't like him/her and never did. Then, if they seem on the brink of recovering, add that they smell odd and tend to frighten small children before leaving. Make sure you don't pass up any opportunities to associate with lower forms of life to indicate exactly how little you wish to be around the sub. For example, "Why, goodness! It's the dust bunnies! Long time no see, pals!" This will help to fufill your polite obligation to make subs cry, whilst also avoiding a painfully boring conversation with unpleasant and poorly bred teachers.

                Oh wise Guru, who is the hottest girl you know besides your girlfriend, and what is her phone number? (Bob the Tomato)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Allright, what gives? This is not the Omniscient Guru's Matchmaker service, here people. If you need dates so badly that you're trying online spiritual leaders, than you ought to be seeking out counseling, not phone numbers. That being said, this is the last time I answer any question along these lines. The next hottest girl after my girlfriend is Christina Ricci, and I'd love to give you her phone number, but I'm afraid she's had a restraining order placed on me ever since that fiasco on the set of That Darn Cat. So quit pestering me for phone numbers, safe combinations, entry codes, passwords, addresses or industrial trade secrets! And that's final!

                Hi oh omniscient one. What is it about math that makes people squirm? I believe it's a very good pastime and enjoy it very much! From, (Emilie : ) )

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well Emilie, nothing personal, but it's clear from your opinions concerning math and from your use of the dreaded emoticon that you have been smoking that weed that grows in your backyard again. Math isn't a pasttime, it's a medival torture technique. It makes people squirm because for people with a normally functioning psyche, math causes a sharp stabbing pain between the eyes. No doubt, with time and some therapy you could get over this unwholesome and unholy addiction to math.

                Who is cooler, me or Angele, Mr. Guru? (CCCPB)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Why CCCPB, it's obvious from your CCCP (or in English USSR!) reference that you are dirty pinko scum come to steal our healthy American capitalist industrial trade secrets and quite frankly, I'm appalled. All this time you were faking an economic collapse so you could sneak up on us, and now you come crawling back, demanding to know who is cooler? Even a sneaky red spy ought to know that communists aren't as cool as capitalists! And that's all there is to it!

                Why, oh, why, oh, why do tubas have solos? Tubas are NOT solo instruments! A listener can not keep a straight face throught the performance, especially an attempt at "Blue Bells of Scotland!" I know you enjoy the word spiffy, but what are twenty antonyms to the word spiffy? (Revenge is sweet!) And, lastly, how many brownies must you eat to lose at cosmic wimpout? (Tsett)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Three questions at once, why, if I wasn't so darn Omniscient, this might strain me, you know. But quickly, to the point! The real question that we should ask ourselves, is should we allow people to play tubas at all, much less solo versions of the Technicolor Glockenspiel of North Chestershire. I mean, tubas are such silly looking things. My vote is, if we must allow them to exist, they should be required to play behind a purple curtain with the large sign reading (Wizard of Oz reference!) "Pay no attention to the ridiculous contraption behind the curtain." As to your next question, there aren't twenty antonyms of spiffy, there are only ten: anti-spiffy, un-spiffy, counter-spiffy, reverse spiffy, non-spiffy, de-spiffy, a-spiffy, spiffy-less, contra-spiffy, and spiffiness-lacking. It seems your revenge wasn't so much sweet as it was vaguely bitter and salty. As to your third and final question there is only one way to respond, which is, of course, with yet another Monty Python Reference. "What do you mean, regular brownies, or special brownies?" "Well, I don't know ~ AHHHHHHHHH!!!!" This has been a Monty Python reference, and an artfully dodged question. Thank you.

                Ok, Omniscient Guru, why do you like my sister so much, and what are your intentions towards her? (Your girlfriend's little sister, Jenny)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Ohhhh . . . a tough one. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to ask spiritual guides personal questions? I like your sister because she laughs at my jokes even when they aren't funny, and because she tries not to laugh when I'm trying to be romantic. And I have honorable intentions! Purely honorable!

                Oh Omniscient Guru, how can I write like Roald Dahl? (Karly)

                The Omniscient Guru says: First you've got to be at least 90% British, because only the British have the strange look on reality that allows them to call a good old fashioned fart a "whizbanger" and then you have to have the amazingly twisted personality to then place this "whizbanger" reference in a book intended for young children. I love Roald Dahl!!

                I hate to pester you with another question, oh omniscent one. But I was wondering. What is up with girls and shoes? I know, its a rather simple question, but it plaugues me day and night. Actually no, i just think its strange...girls have so many shoes. You only need two pairs, good shoes, and regular shoes. Am I missing some sort of underlying logic that is unseen by males? PLEASE HELP ME! (T.S. Elliot)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Well, don't tell anybody I told you, but actually all women are members of the international women's network, and all of their actions are world organized. Many women participate in a brutal competition known as the "shoe-off" where they all vow to live by the mantra "She who dies with the most shoes wins . . . this lovely plaque, perfect for all occasions." And of course, you already know how bloodthirsty and competitive women can get.

                How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?(Carlos)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Why would anyone want to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? They're godawful nasty things. If you ever come across a Tootsie Pop, call poison control and then run like mad.

                What exactly is the point of flushing a rat down a toilet? (dkruegerpt)

                The Omniscient Guru says: How can anyone even doubt the joy of rat-flushing? What better memories can one have of one's youth than that of a spinning rat frantically swimming round and round and round until it finally meets it's doom in the whirlpool vortex of your porcelain throne? Ahh . . . memories.

                Oh Omniscient Guru, How come boys fight so hard in the chase to get girls,and then when they are finally comfortable and have them, they decide that they are afraid of the girl and commiting themselves to her, even though they just spent like the last month doing just that?? (Ex-Blonde)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Hmmmm, sounds like somebody's just a tad bit bitter, eh? Well, you women are always trying to apply 'logic' and 'rationality' to our emotions when, in reality, our relationship drive is . . . ummm . . . nonexistent. Most guys don't really understand commitment and flee madly into the distance if you mention it. So my advice is, live as a hermit and avoid all human contact. The fur gets scratchy after a while, but you get all the nuts and berries you can eat.

                How come that when ever I try to call my boyfriend he is never home? Somehow he's just never there. What should I do? (Kelly M)

                The Omniscient Guru says: Your boyfriend is an evil sleaze but he's very sorry and he'll be good from now on so please forgive me.

                Curious? Just ask The Omniscient Guru a question. Then, please check out the Realm of Niftyness, on the links page, because I am blatantly stealing his "ask skippy" routine, and the only excuse I have is that he's too busy to answer anymore, so I hired the Omniscient Guru to take over.

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