THIRD OUT OF THE BLOCKS
RECENT COLUMNS: READ US.. WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!
07/23/24
damn. this section died a painful death. My apologies :(
Ride along, little dogie...
Excuses
Errmm.. this section was destroyed by aliens. Sowwy :)
All right, ma'am... Just look at the red light.. Now, you're in the eighties. It's always going to be the eighties, and you'll dress and act accordingly. Oh, yeah. You're dumb as toast and insane. And...... cut.
ATTENDANCE UPDATE: I KNEW IT!
I knew it! The Blue Jays, as happens to be their custom in years in which they can remain within shouting distance of first place, have fallen on hard times in July, faltering and fallaparting admirably of late. This spurt has dropped them about 5 games in the standings, but it's really no great disaster- yet. They're still only a game and a half out of first, but, lo and behold- attendance has plummeted back to about 20000 a game. I guess baseball, being a slow and boring game as it is(to the uninitiated/yuppie) just couldn't cut it when put up against the incredible thrill of tooling down the highway in rush hour traffic in an SUV, swearing belligerently at the unfortunate soul who happens to be talking on the cellphone(although in all likelihood, they're also engaged in a similarly inane task, be it conducting E-Business or writing bad poetry while drinking coffee in a coffee house) with you. Whatever the case, I just knew it would happen. Speaking of baseball, the Blue Jays made a trade for "pitching help" which appears at this point to be washed up bullpenry straight from Texas. This marvellous acquisition, one Esteban Loueza(I hope that's the spelling) managed to give up six runs over five innings in his very first start. How very propitious. Ah, well. I'm going to a baseball game this very Wednesday, so this losing trend will surely continue, since I think, of the twenty or thirty Jays' games I've ever been to, they've won about four. The game is only half the fun anyway; since Cleveland's in town, in all likelihood,we'll be sitting in Redneck Gulch, also known as the right field bleachers. These seats, overlooking the scenic bullpen, come well-equipped with a Cleveland fan club, which gets drunk en masse and babbles about shared relatives. It's a whole lot of fun, actually.
Upon discovering his attendance had sagged back to normal, Ash cancelled his order of fifteen 12-inch sub sandwiches with extra lard as a cost-cutting measure.
MUMSY IS 100!
Back to work, where I spent eight of the last nine days. It actually hasn't been so bad, because one of the big screen TVs visible from the front office has been hooked up to a satellite dish, so we can watch TV(yeah, I know I still complain about my job- while I can watch TV, I still have to deal with dumb bitches). In the past week or so, I've watched the Simpsons three times, seen the bulk of the British and US Women's Opens, and viewed about four baseball games. I also saw the ceremony marking the Queen Mother's 100th birthday. The funny thing here is that prince Charles will never become king. If the Queen Mother has been around for a century already, just think how long the Queen herself will be kicking around, given the advances in medical science that have been made. It's entirely possible that she'll still be alive and kicking thirty years from now. I guess it really is rather unfortunate for his Highness that he'll never get to become his Majesty, but then again, since royalty is mostly a sham and kind of annoying to have on our coinage, it's just as well- How could you ever fit those ears on a nickel, anyway?
The Queen hid out in this box from the celebrants when things got to be too much, and rumour has it the old girl kicked back with a nip of gin and tonic.
INTREPID BABY SAYS:
Hmmph. Queen, indeed. I should be Queen! ME! ME! Or at lesat king, although I hardly see how that's possible in this dopey hat! And another thing! Why can't I wear a kilt? Prince Charles gets to wear a kilt, and he's not even very intrepid! Well, I'll show them!
I'm lonely... Netscape crashed 4 times while I wrote this... pity me! Or at least send email.
INTREPID MINION SUNNY LAMORTE REPLIES:
You? In a kilt? PREPOSTEROUS! Why, you'd look better in a giant tube sock! Or at least this floaty yellow thing! Did you know that baby fat balls up when it gets wet? Well, I knew, and I know! Now stop this immediately! We have to take over subversively, not through stealing kilts!
INTREPID BABY REPLIES ANGRILY:
I PLAN THE INTREPID MISCHIEF! NOT YOU! ME! Now we're stealing a kilt, dammit! I'm plenty intrepid enough to steal a kilt, and it's a whole lot better than this grotesque white coat, despite its ridiculously comfortably fuzzy cuffs! Come!
GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!
Go Home! Inmediately!