OH NO! IT'S GONE DAILY!

RECENT COLUMNS: READ US.. WE'RE PEOPLE TOO!

07/09     This may go against the very nature of this column, but I've stumbled across enough fodder to make writing it two days in a row feasible.  There's all sorts of fun stuff that happened overnight, so I guess the last column will just be shunted off into the sunset... Or at least the archives page.  To that end, I'll add a new feature to this, and other pages- links to recent versions of that page.  Gee, what a brainwave that is, eh? Yeah, I know it's lousy.. so what?  Nobody ever said I had particularly lofty standards, and I've sure never said it either.  With that in mind, let's move along... I wanna see just how unfunny this can be with only a day between writings.

07-08

07-04

06-28

This picture contains people too... except for the man fourth from the left in the background... He's an alien preparing to abduct my old columns.

06-21

06-14

KIDS LIKE PIZZA... ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE DRUNK

I've got to conclude that pizza is quite possibly the ultimate food on life. It's the only thing that, at 3 AM, can compel drunken loons from all over to congregate in one place and beg for it.  Case in point was last night.  My friends and I, up late and hungry, went to a local Pizza Pizza to get some food and we saw two (2) stoners inside, who were shortly joined by a bevey of drunken chicks.  These were in turn succeeded by a clown cab filled to the brim with the source of my contention here, the group who I politely label the Drunks( a second word with considerable alliterative properties can be placed directly after drunk, if you so wish, but I've decided to tone down the swearing here, so no such luck for now!) Anyhow, this group of morons stumbled out of their cab, numbering five or six in all.  There wouldn't have been anything particularly remarkable about it, except for the fact that despite their ages being somewhere between 30 and 40, they were dressed and acting like kids, and moreover, doing so in what appeared to be a derogatory fashion. It's like they went to some costume party that went horribly wrong and came out with the most irritating affectations known to man.  One of them was so drunk he was actually reduced to a state where he really did appear to be 14, mannerisms and all.   It was pretty funny to see, on the whole.  You just can't get pissed off with people who are smashed out of their heads(provided they don't cause any damage, of course).  At any rate, the pizza was delicious, and maybe sometime I'll get roaring drunk, go dress up in a suit and try to close some business deals while riding in my SUV.  Wait... that'd be drunk driving.  Ok, never mind.

Pizza from an alternate restaurant.  Pizza Pizza is ridiculously difficult to locate on the internet for some reason.  They more than make up for it by staying open till 3 AM, however.

A VERY STRANGE INNING INDEED

Someone once said that baseball is a game of inches, and the Blue Jays game I saw today was a very good example of that.  They destroyed Montreal 13-3, but the real catalyst of this explosion(aside from the 9 walks that Montreal pitchers allowed, along with the 2 consecutive hit batsmen, which resulted in a run)came in the fifth inning, when the entire Montreal team briefly atrophied into a lean, mean, defensive failure.  It started with a fly ball that should have been caught by someone, but somehow fell in between three separate fielders.  Ok, no great loss, right? Just a runner on second. Unfortunately for the Expos, however, the next batter up promptly hit a fluky infield single.  Then the third batter of the inning deposited the fastest home run I've ever seen in the left field bleachers.  Now, you may THINK that's the end, but you'd be wrong if you did.  Instead of things getting better, they got worse, as the fourth batter hit a fly ball that fell... well, through the outfielder. It was so bad he thought he was out; he merely trotted to second base, and then looked out in amazement as the fielder missed the ball.  Then the next batter came up and did exactly the same thing as the first batter had done.  Things started to get freaky at this point; four runs had scored where only one had any business crossing the plate.  To top it all off, the next batter hit a fly ball to right field, where the fielder there decided to get in on the act.  He stopped moving, allowing the ball to drop under his glove and roll to the wall.  When I say stopped moving, I mean it- he looked like he was rooted in a block of cement or something.   So anyway, the inning finally came back to reality with the next few batters, who were promptly retired(which still yielded a sixth run on the inning). Let's review, then: instead of an inning where only one run is surrendered and four batters faced, the defense crumbles in on itself and gives up five free baserunners, leading to six runs.  Strangest inning I've ever seen; it looked like something off the Twilight Zone. Zoiks...

When sought for comment, Gord Ash was oddly absent; the radio commentators remarked on his absence from his usual seat.  The mystery was later solved, however, when the devil was sighted riding off in a sports car with a big bag of fat and the Expos' reflexes.  Gord Ash then re-entered the stadium having shed 400 pounds and with a strangely haunted look in his eyes.  See above for details.

POLITICS: OH HOW I HATE THEE

Well, the C-CRAP leadership race has finally concluded, and Hitler has won out over kinder, gentler Hitler.  The pundits were agush with good tidings, spewing glowing rhetoric about how this would revitalize the conservative party in Quebec and how Manning could never have won anything anyway because he was so old fashioned.  Seriously, though, Stockwell Day isn't a particularly better choice.  His views on abortion and gay rights are mostly stone-aged, so though they'll likely appeal to the hicks that form the backbone of his support, the rest of the country will be largely unwilling to accept them at face value.  At least one would hope so.  This time, our glorious figurehead was unavailable for comment, so I don't have anything to report from that camp; apparently, it doesn't matter anyway, since Day's followers have already declared him Canada's next prime Minister.  How strange that an election took place and was won by the minority while nobody was looking... Anyhow, it's just good that the whole sordid mess is out of the news.  Now maybe the free publicity will end and they can all get back to what they do best;  absolutely nothing.  Peace, Faith in God, and Good Goverment... what a crock.

Preliminary plans are underway already to ship all the gays back to Gayland, where they can gay it up without disturbing the rest of us.  Furthermore, all pregnant teenagers and those otherwise requiring an abortion will be immediately sedated so that no action can take place until the third trimester, when they will be forced into wakefulness and induced labour.  Finally, nobody will be able to leave their houses after 9 o'clock, anyone who's not a rabid conservative will have to wear an armband, and just to top things off there's still that Vulcan death grip to worry about.

INTREPID MINION ROSA PETULOSO SAYS:

Meh meh meh... You THINK that grimy politician will have his way? NEVER! I, Rosa Petuloso, will stop him with my devastating glare, and my six-fingered grip of death.  My frilly pink hat will ensorcel him and convince him that he SHOULD have let SOME babies be aborted... Not that there's anything right or wrong with that, of course! Only that my death glare will bore into your skull and defeat you without warning! YES! Now, go! Leave me, I have not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not even five, but SIX fingers to suck here! It's a very exhausting schedule, you know.  Begone from this place!

This just isn't working... Send me email, confound you!  I don't really want any, so don't actually send it, but I WILL post this link and plead.

Go Home! Inmediately!

castomel@hotmail.com

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