From the mind of J.R.R. Tolkien comes the classic book "The Hobbit", a treat for all ages about the adventures of pint-sized humanoid elven creature Bilbo Baggins, a hobbit who lives in a little lair built into a small hill. From that book comes this animated movie by childrens' fantasy specialists Rankin-Bass... well, some of it. I have never read the book, as I'm illiterate... uhm, I just mash at the keyboard randomly when writing these reviews and sometimes I happen to make something that makes sense... got two glass eyes too... yep, life sucks. Anyway, people who HAVE read the book and have also seen this film say that it's borderline abomination, leaving out far too much of the book's pivotal elements and cleaving the stuff they do leave in to the point of trying to please children and their Nazi censorship parents, pushing the integrity of the original Tolkien vision into the crapper and flushing thusly. Like I said, I can't/don't read "books", so all I can do is review the film for itself, not what it's supposed to represent. Speaking of which, just let me de-louse my hobbit hole and I'll get to work.
A precursor to Tolkien's legendary "Lord Of The Rings" trilogy, our story takes place in the days of Middle Earth, when our planet lacked pollutions like fossil fuels in streams, Republicans in the white house and smog... well, a different kind of smog still existed, but we'll cover that part later. Before man began recording history, in a time where creatures of fantasy like elves, dwarves, goblins and fairies co-existed before their apparent extinctions... well, a different kind of fairy still exists, but you'll have to find them in the top of the pop charts, not here. One such species of mystical being were the hobbits (a cross between a dwarf, an elf and a pile of hair), and one such hobbit is our protagonist Bilbo Baggins... and yes, make all the "Dildo Faggins" remarks you'd like cuz Osiris knows I did.
We join average, everyday hobbit Bilbo as he sparks up his peace pipe and smokes himself stupid like the stocky little hippy he is. Suddenly, he's visited by three spirits of various Christmases of his life, past, present and future. Look out Jiminy Cricket, I'm not sure, but hobbits might eat insects in top hats. Of course that part about spirits is a Dickens induced hallucination, as Bilbo really gets a visit from a group of traveling dwarves led by the blue garbed wizard Gandalf. After the unruly midgets make a mess of Bilbo's digs and consume his food stuffs and all his forties, they sit Bilbo down and get to the point of their visit.
Seems this posse of bearded half-pints are on their way to Lonely Mountain, former home of their ancestors who were known for knocking out some of the finest jewelry, weapons, shiny knickknacks and dwarf porn the likes of which Middle Earth hasn't seen since. The problem is, this vast stash of valuable (and disturbingly erotic) items caught the eye of an over-sized lizard with the head of cat, known the world over as Smaug... refer back to that smog joke I made in the previous paragraph... seems pretty witty now doesn't it? Okay, fuck you, this is my site and I'll make all the terrible puns I want damn it! As I was saying, the nefarious fire-breathing beast Smaug moved into Lonely Mountain, wiping out the human village of Dale and claiming the midgets' cavern home for his own, kicking out the dwarves like a nest of hairy faced cockroaches and settling his scaly ass in for a long haul. Here's where Bilbo comes in, as our dwarven repo men require a burglar for their mission to take Lonely Mountain back and reclaim the home of their heritage (not to mention all the valuable shit within). Since that guy in the mask with the Dave Letterman teeth who can say nothing but "robble robble" wasn't available, they took the next best thing: a hobbit. So, the following morning Bilbo signs his contract for his cut of the take and says goodbye to his little hobbit hole, as the 14 treasure hunters head out to make their fortunes... or at least TAKE their fortunes. Their path isn't an easy one though, lined with more bumps and bad stretches than all the "Pitfall" games combined, including the one with Bruce Campbell supplying the voice.
The first such obstacle is a trio of trolls, whom our heroes attempt to rob of their dinner, failing miserably when Bilbo is captured and gives away the location of his partners in crime... maybe it's not too late to give the Hamburglar another call. But, despite their first bad attempt at fending for themselves, the dwarves get their asses saved by their spell casting pal Gandalf, who brings forth the morning sun and turns the trolls to stone. With their captors turned to decorative pieces of morbid garden statuary, the gang raids the trolls' cave stash, claiming for themselves a few elven crafted blades no doubt stolen by the trolls, who couldn't make such fine weapons if they could crap steel and their hands were hammers... uhm, don't ask, that was one of the deleted lines Gandalf had in the original cut of the film... and you're gonna have to believe me until you can prove me wrong! Ha! Gotcha there! Anyway, Bilbo claims such a weapon, taking with him a dagger that, in his hands, looks like a short sword. And yes, in his hands a hatchet would look like a battle axe, a serving platter would look like a shield and my dick would look like it'd put Ron Jeremy and John Holmes to shame, though I don't know if having a fuzzy footed, big eyed midget with old lady hair grabbing my Johnson would be worth that accolade... With the help of a map also found amongst the stolen goods, Gandalf also reveals to us the whereabouts of a secret entrance into Lonely Mountain that the former dwarven tenants put there before the reptile started squatting on their property. Beneficial for our heroes, who can use it to get into Smaug's lair undetected.
Before traversing on further in their exploits, the group makes a pit stop at the home of Elrond the elf lord to drain their lizards and refuel with more alcoholic beverages. Yes kids, the dwarves no longer exist, as they evolved and became the Irish... just kidding you wacky Irishmen out there, no need to be mailing me potato bombs or leather shoes with belt buckles on them. Seriously though, my fiancée is like 64% Irish, so it's okay for me to make jokes like that! After drinking Elrond's reserves and eating all his food, the group leaves and continues on their journey. It's not long before they come across more trouble, as a mob of unhappy goblins catches them with their pants around their ankles. When taken before the goblin king, they REALLY get into deep shit, as the goblins recognize Thorrin (the leader of the dwarves) as being in possession of an elvish blade (the one he took from the trollish trio) that was crafted specifically for the slaying of goblins! For those of you who don't understand the danger of such a thing, think back to Die Hard With a Vengeance (I know it's a painful moment for all of us, but try to think back to it for one moment), particularly the infamous scene in which Bruce Willis is forced to stroll around Harlem with that racist sandwich board sign. I've never watched that movie without being completely inebriated (it's just impossible to sit through it sober), so I don't remember exactly what the signs said, but it was something along the lines of promoting the Harlem KKK and referring to African-Americans by the less PC term of "the N word"... you know, "Nigerian". Well, that's pretty much what Thorrin did, only these brothas got claws, teeth and are three times as large as the Bruce Willises (or is that “Willisi”?) in question.
Once again Gandalf comes to their rescue though, leading the dwarves to safety out of the goblin caves and leaving Bilbo to lose his way and stumble upon an underground pond. In this oddly well lit cavern of a swimming pool, Bilbo runs into the misshapen heathen known as Gollum, who looks like a blind mutant frog who refers to himself in the Queen of England third person of "us" and "we". Like Batman and the Riddler, Bilbo and the twisted monster have a test of wits, firing riddles back and forth until one guy can't guess right and loses... we're talking intense action here kids. Parents, you might want to close your kids' ears during this scene, they might learn how to outsmart people. By complete accident Bilbo comes out victorious, evading his destiny to become Gollum’s dinner and uncovering a magical little piece of finger jewelry in the process. For anyone who has, or is about to see Peter Jackson's epic retelling of The Lord of the Rings, this scene may give you the unflattering "fanboy giggles". Then again, if you're really pathetic it'll give the far worse "fanboy boner", for which I'm afraid you'll have to wall yourself into your basement Edgar Allen Poe-style and never emerge. The dangers of you spawning offspring with a fangirl are too great and it's for the betterment of the world as a whole, "normal" and fanboy societies alike. Anyways, when Bilbo dons the magic ring, he finds it has the power to turn him invisible, allowing him to fool Gollum into leading him out to freedom and his fellow fortune hunters.
Besieged by more goblins (these ones riding hormone fed wolves with bad tempers), our gang finds themselves up a tree like common raccoons. When their pursuers set fire to their hiding spot, the only thing that can save them from being BBQed in a Hemlock now are Gandalf's eagle friends, whom the party ride to safety... yep, they used to grow eagles big enough to ride back in those days. Upon landing the in the forest of Murkwood, Gandalf proclaims he must leave the festivities once more (he tends to come and go as he pleases), opting to deal with business elsewhere as opposed to "bothering with you people" in his words. In his wake he leaves the reluctant Bilbo in charge, vowing to return later and check in from time to time... or whenever our pathetic heroes need their asses pulled from the frying pan again. Fighting thirst, hunger, giant spiders and elves in funny hats (whose king sounds like he's an ancient ancestor of Colonel Klink), the dwarves and their hobbit headman happen upon the floating lake town of, well, Lake Town. Appropriately titled, if not completely unoriginal, Lake Town is the home of the descendants of the Smaug devastated town of Dale, still nestled in the shadow of the mountain home of the monster responsible for their great-great-great-great-great grandparents' homelessness. After resting and restocking their supplies, our pint-sized posse heads out once more, content on getting back their ancestral property. Using the secret passage pointed out by Gandalf, Bilbo is elected to go in and retrieve some material wealth from the invincible Smaug. Using his ring to sneak in undetected, the hobbit screws with the monster's head a little while before swiping a goblet and returning to his partners.
Infuriated that the sanctity of his lair (his stolen lair, if I may point out) the egomaniacal dragon exits his lair in a rage, blaming the people of Lake Town for Bilbo disturbance and prepared to lay waste to the floating shanty town. But, with the help of a talking bird, Lake Town archer Bard plants his lucky arrow into Smaug's weak point: a small section of his chest where his armored scales are oddly absent. And thus ends centuries of tyranny with a single arrow, a magic arrow that Lee Harvey Oswald would be proud of. Wonder if there are conspiracy theorists in Middle Earth... coming this fall to Fox, "The Hobbit Files"... Meanwhile, in Lonely Mountain, Thorrin stakes his claim as king of the mountain (at least until the neighborhood bully sucker punches him from behind and takes over), only to be contested by the humans, led by Bard, and the elves, led by Colonel Klink. Now we've got a three way war on our hands, as everyone seems to have a stake in the treasures now that the big mean dragon is gone. Hmmmm, so Lonely Mountain is like a third world country, kill the "evil" dictator in charge and suddenly everyone thinks they know how to rule things, leading to civil war and new tyranny... and for once the U.S. ISN'T involved! All of this could be avoided if the dwarves would just share some of their vast wealth, but being the greedy S.o.B. he is, Thorrin says "nay", arming himself and his dwarven reserves (who also arrive when they hear of their treasure being contested) for battle. But, before this tidy little bloodbath can be underway, in pops Gandalf...
The trouble-making old bastard informs everyone that a 4th militia has decided to take part in the massive kegger known as war. Yes, those wolf riding goblins want a piece of the action too, laying no real claim other than the fact they just want everything for themselves. Since goblins are stereotypically portrayed as evil, it's no surprise when the dwarves, humans and elves join forces in the face of their common enemy (though 2 minutes ago they were ALL common enemies) and war gets underway. Despite the fact that they're sorely outclassed, the goblins actually manage to hold their own, managing to eek out a potential victory against their mass of opponents, only to be defeated when those damn eagles join in, helping in the vanquish of the vile subhumanoids... then again, if you're like me, you tend to feel sorry for the filthy animals who were unfairly gangbanged beyond their control. After the dust settles, only about half of our original tomb raiders are still kicking, as Thorrin too perishes, shuffling off this mortal coil, yet another victim of senseless violence. As for Bilbo, well, he was sitting on the sidelines the whole time, invisible with his little gold ring, probably smoking more invisible reefer like the Middle Earth hippy I always told you he was. While everyone else divvies up the wealth, Bilbo takes merely two small sacks of gold, his elvish blade (which he's labeled "Sting" because it wears face paint and tights with a scorpion on the side... or was it because he used to be in the Police?) and his ring as a memento, and heads home to live out his days like an unwashed bum and writing his memoirs, sure to be a #1 best seller in the Hobbiton Times Best Seller List. The ring he simply keeps on his mantle in a glass case, left to play a much larger role in his nephew's life, but that's another story for another movie.
Even though I didn't read two pages of the book (unless the title page and the liner notes of the dust jacket count as "pages"), I can tell that the movie cuts way too much from the original story. The scenes are wrapped up way too quick, especially the part with the spider capture, which seemed to run all of two minutes, if that. The other big thing that bugged me was the big war at the finale, which I'm told is another part from the book that Rankin-Bass took a little too much "creative license" with. On the good side of this little epic though, the animation is amazing, capturing the perfect stylization for a fantasy tale that, when mixed with the minstrel ballads that line the movie's soundtrack, create a spectacle to behold for the young and the old and the geeks in-between. So, though the scenes seemed rushed and I could've stood for a little more character and story development as opposed to more goblins, the illustration, animation and goofy old minstrels are the real prize. As for sequels, Bilbo's tale is pretty much over, as his nephew Frodo takes us on his own adventure in The Lord of the Rings, where we discover Bilbo's ring is the most dangerous tool of evil in the universe, there's a dark force far more powerful than Smaug in the wings, and yes, there are gay hobbits.
The Moral of the Story: Brains over brawn every time... unless you're hitting someone, in which case you'd probably be better off with big meaty fists rather than just throwing your gray matter... ewww.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- It's a cute little movie and gets geek love from most circles, but even though there's plenty of jokes and innuendo to be had, it's kinda creepy doing that stuff with a kid's movie. Best in solo viewing. Pass it for your party.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: The Flight of Dragons or
The Dark Crystal
FEEDBACK
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
