This movie is for those of you out there who saw The Hobbit, loved it so much it scarred it's own little mark on your brain, and then saw The Lord of the Rings animated film by Ralph Bakshi, only to say to yourself (or out loud depending on your level of mental disorder), "What the fuck was that shit?! That wasn't The Hobbit!". Then again, you could be like me and you actually found enjoyable aspects of Bakshi's flick, and you picked up The Return of the King just because you wanted to find out what the Hell happened to Frodo, his homosexual life mate Samwise and the rest of the Fellowship. If you're the first type, you'll be glad to know that this film IS another production of producers Arthur Rankin and Jules Bass, the ones who brought forth The Hobbit. What's that mean to your wallet? Well, it means that the animation here will be far more fantastical than LOTR, the soundtrack will be back to ballads (both human and orc this time) and the violence, well, it's going to be minimal... or non-existent... and no matter how hard someone gets slashed or smashed, there's not to be one drop of blood, just a lot of smudges and bruises on everybody. In other words, it's got it's ups and downs, just like any movie. Speaking of movies, let me get on with this, I've gotta return this along with I Spit on Your Grave , Make Them Die Slowly , Blue Velvet and Anal Cum Sluts Volume 7... I love the looks I get when I rent movies.
For our opening sequence, I think Gandalf can sum up the movie best for you with this little monologue: "Hear you now a story of good against evil. An epic that has it's beginning at an ending and ends at a beginning. Listen as we speak of the fall of a lord of darkness and the return of a king of light. Concern yourselves with armies and wizards, phantoms and emperors, cloud-capped towers and bloodied fields of horrendous carnage. Consider no less than the cataclysmic transformation of that ancient world of wonder and magic, for the world we now know of man. What mighty lord, you may ask, is hero enough to make such cosmic metamorphosis? Why, no lord at all, but the littlest of fellows: Frodo the Hobbit...". In other words, we're gonna find out what happened with Frodo and Samwise in their quest to destroy the evil Master Ring of the dark lord Sauron. We already know they succeed, thanks to Gandalf, who pretty much ruins the ending for us right off the bat, but oh well, at least let us see exactly how things worked out this way. Our tale begins in Rivendale, the home of that scrawny Elf Lord Elrond, where Frodo, Samwise, Marion, Pippin and Gandalf gather to celebrate the birthday of the original pediatristic nightmare, Bilbo Baggins. You're probably wondering, "I wonder how much money it would take to get Cindy Margolis to let me eat ice cream off her bare ass", and the answer would be $13,868,109.47. But, if you're paying attention you might be asking, "Hey, wait a second, I thought The Lord of the Rings left off with Frodo and Sam on their way to Mount Doom, Marron and Pippin lost in a forest and Gandalf leading the legions of King Theoden to victory over Saruman and his army of orcs?!". If you're not asking that, then I suggest you read my review for The Lord of the Rings before going further, but if you are asking that, then just read on.
In his senility (well, he is pretty damn old, even for a hobbit), Bilbo interrupts the festivities to ask Frodo about his old ring, the aforementioned One Ring, a.k.a. the Master Ring, a.k.a. the Ring of Doom, a.k.a. you get the idea. Bilbo is of course reminded that said ring was returned to the bubbling pits of Mt. Doom from whence it came so it could be ruined and prevent the swallowing of Middle Earth by the forces of evil. Bilbo then notices that his nephew Frodo's missing a finger off of one of his hands. This finally prompts our story, as we play audience to the tale of the missing digit, as relayed through the #1 song on the hobbit hip-hop charts, "Frodo of the 9 Fingers", performed by Middle Earth's ballad spouting pop superstar, the Mistral of Gondor! A better ripper of the Lyre there exists not! Nay to thee! Anyway, the story begins with the you-know-he's-noble-because-he's-riding-a-horse Aragorn, rightful heir to the vacant throne of the land of Gondor... and who also looked more than a little Native American when last we left him. When we meet 'Gorny now, he has rallied his men in preparation for little Frodo to go about destroying the Master Ring so he and his troops can storm into Gondor, kick some evil ass and sit on his throne. I especially enjoy that first sit on the throne in the morning, if you catch my drift... and for your sake, I hope you're standing down wind when I make said drift. As for Frodo and Sam, we last left them on their two hobbit mission to destroy the ring, climbing through the mountainous terrains of Mordor with their hostage/guide Gollum, the twisted little frog mutant and former owner of the Master Ring, before losing it to Bilbo loooooong ago... or 3 years in human television release time.
Well, when we meet up with them now, Frodo's been captured by the orcish hordes and locked away in their evil orcish tower, leaving Samwise as his only hope of rescue. But, lucky for everyone involved, those dumbass orcs left behind Frodo's cloak and his glowing elvish knife Sting, which Sam acquires for his rescue mission. Also inside Frodo's cloak, Sam discovers a magical bottle and, the whole reason the orcs captured Frodo in the first place, the Master Ring. Yes, orcs, the absent minded rednecks of the Middle Earthian age. So, Sam dons the cloak and finds the ring, and holds it in his hand, which is enough to be passing on delusions of Napoleonic grandeur to the little midget, giving him ideas that he can be a great general to rule the world, making the wastelands into flowery fields, dead trees bloom again and turn the orcs into those big, creepy-eyed children in Mexican paintings. But, being a simple hobbit, Sam comes to his senses, realizes that he doesn't want to rule the world, and gets back to his rescue mission. Elsewhere, Gandalf tells us of the current predicament of the kingdom of Gondor, while also giving us an update on King Theoden and his army. Oh yeah, and it looks like Mary and Pippin are back in the picture, Pippin with Gandalf, defending Gondor from the advancing hordes of orcs and Nosgalls (I believe they're the infamous ring wraiths, looking more like giggling zombie here as opposed to the faceless specters of The Lord of the Rings) and Mary with King Theoden, who are on their way to provide some much needed ground support. Yet, there's not one mention of Legolas or Gimli... and that's one of the reasons this flick gets my nuts in a knot, and I ain't talking chestnuts.
Most interesting about the battle for Gondor is the visions beheld by King Denethor, whose magic 8-ball informs him that there's a black armada on the way to join the battle, no doubt the infamous ships of Sauron's brigade, bringing reinforcements for evil and a sure doom for the side of good. Unwilling to watch his kingdom continue with it's hopeless battle and go down with his sinking ship, Denethor actually orders his own execution... that's one of the things that really caught me with my pants down here. Amusing little add-on though, heh heh. Now, with the twisted old king croaked, only the destruction of the Master Ring can bring the kingdom of Gondor victory... unless Gandalf can go to the future and bring them back some lasers or a nuke... guess not. Back to Sam (who seems to have lost his fruity demeanor in the dark land of Mordor), he makes his way into the tower of the orcs, prepared to face a cadre of the mutant beasts, only to find the majority of them dead and sprawled about the place like dirty laundry... uhm, ok. When he finds one of the last standing orcs, he scares the monster shitless with the ring's power, combined with Sting (yeah, I can't blame the orc, I thought "Don't Stand So Close To Me" was pretty bad too), and the creature starts talking. Seems the orcs' captains got into an argument over who gets to keep Frodo's cloak and the ring inside, so, like any good leader, they made their subordinates do their dirty work for them, and battle each other like a game of "Tekken Tag Tournament", hence all the dead orcs all over. Who won the rights to the ring? That's not really made clear, but it's probably the thug in the top of the tower, whipping little Frodo to shit in demand of the cloak's whereabouts!
Good ol' Samwise comes to the rescue, once again sending the orc into madness and to it's own demise, courtesy of the power of the ring. After handing the ring back to Frodo and prompting a little power struggle confrontation between the two, Frodo comes back to his senses as expected and the homies slap on some orcish chain mail armor to protect them in the rest of the journey that lies ahead. After evading an Nosgall that's keeping an eye socket out for them, the duo are picked up by a party of orcs marching to war in Gondor, who mistake the two for a couple of lazy orcs trying to get out of a day's work of killing and singing orcish funk marches. Okay, this assumption is based solely upon the armor the two are wearing, which leads me to believe that orcs INDEED are mental midgets AND blind as NFL referees too! Come on! The different flesh tone, height and lack of distorted facial features (other than their comically large noses of course) isn't the slightest hint that these guys ARE NOT orcs!? Time to head to Lens Crafters™ my friends.
The thing that really puts a lobster in my rectum though, is the confrontation with a troop of evil human forces that the orcs run into on a pathway. A dispute breaks out over which group should be allowed to pass first, with both sides of course demanding that they should be the ones allowed passage. I understand this, as well as the little melee that breaks out over it, after all, how else do you expect our heroes to slip away undetected? But, here's the problem: the humans are wearing basically the same armor that the orcs and the hobbits are wearing, which ponders the question, "Why would the orcs mistake the hobbits for two of their own, but know instantly that the humans are not?". After all, hobbits are just like small humans, in fact, Gandalf makes an interesting point about this at the end of the film. So, if that's the case, then what the fuck can't the orcs distinguish between themselves and hobbits in their armor, but they CAN recognize slightly taller humans in similar garb?! Is it the beards?! Can humans grow beards and not hobbits? Speaking of which, is Middle Earth ruled by the Taliban or something?! 93% of the human men in this movie have beards! And don't gimme that, "Razors weren't invented yet" excuse either, otherwise the women would have bushes under their armpits and dresses would be outlawed, for SEVERAL reason! Bah, either way a fight breaks out and Sam and Frodo make their escape, back on their road to Mt. Doom to wreck some jewelry. Meanwhile, back at the front, the forces of darkness are on the verge of triumph, busting down the front gates of Gondor castle with the biggest, most demonic dildo this side of the infamous "let Jesus fuck you" scene in The Exorcist! And yes, that's the one thing I thought about when I met that bitch Linda Blair... she wouldn't even SAY the damn lines for me, let alone reenact them... what a bitch!
So, with the front door soundly trounced from it's hinges, in walk the evil salesmen and their leader Dwimmerlake, Sauron's sinister second-hand man. No offense to Sauron or anything, but if I need a second hand when doing my business, I think I'd prefer it to be mine. Even if I only had one arm like that bad guy in The Fugitive, I'd still prefer to take my chances on my own, as opposed to getting aid from a guy whose head is a pocket of marsh gas and whose name is "Dwimmerlake". Well, Gandalf takes up arms and prepares to battle the reject from Sleepy Hollow, when who should come to the aid of the forces of light than Theoden and his army! Yes, in true nick-of-time fashion, in rides the cavalry to turn the tide of battle and put the reins back in the hands of good. Now let us return to Frodo and Sam, who inch ever closer to their goal, until being attacked by Gollum... oh yeah, I was wondering where that bug-eyed imp had wandered off to. The freak is fended off though, as Frodo grasps the ring and threatens to stomp a mud hole in the freak, walk through it and wipe his boots off on the monster's face... not is so many words, but you get the idea, the ring makes Frodo a little wacky. But, in spite of having to deal with Gollum yet again, Sam lets the beast live after he fails to acquire his "Precious" yet again, leaving me to wonder if ANY hobbit has the balls to just stab this creature in the eye and get rid of him once and for all! Shit, if I still had that damn magic ticket I stole from the kid in The Last Action Hero, I'd go in, shove my scythe up Gollum's ass and save these guys the trouble! Argh... oh well, I guess I shouldn't have lost it after that trip into Chopping Mall to fuck Barbara Crampton, but there's no use bitching over spilled Spanish Fly.
In the pits of Mt. Doom, just when it looks like Frodo has made it all this way and will accomplish his task, he finally falters, giving in to the ring's sinister influences and donning the demonic band of gold... in the words of a great philosopher from the hippy days, "Rut-roh Raggy!". Over in Gondor, it looks like the good guys will finally put an end to the carnage and come out on top, but we've still got time to fill, so this can't be allowed. So, the forces of evil play dirty pool and spook King Theoden's horse, causing it to toss his fragile senior ass to the ground, killing him almost instantly... and yet this guy was just kicking orc ass two seconds ago, now he's dead because his horse bucked him... Christopher Reeves is lookin' pretty bad ass to me right now. That spooky Halloween special effect Dwimmerlake pops up again, to claim Theoden, but gets an ass-whoopin', courtesy of Theoden's niece Ayoden, who pulled a Joan Of Arc and disguised herself as a man to fight in the battle. Standing between her uncle and the grim specter, she challenges the claim that Dwimmerlake cannot be wounded by mere men, stating that she's no man, but a WO-man. This little loophole holds true too, as Mary (also not a man, but a hobbit, and pissed about his new King's unfair demise) stabs the ghoul in the back, allowing Ayoden to cleave off his non-existent head and win the day... until the black armada arrives.
Yes, despite all their best attempts it looks like the black armada will spell the end for the heroic armies of Gondor and... oh, wait a sec, looks like Tolkien liked his Greek myths, especially the one about Thesseus and the Minotaur, more particularly the excerpt where he returns to the land of his father, King Aegeus. See, Thesseus went off the slay the dreaded Minotaur as a favor to his dad and his people. Upon his return, Thesseus was to bring with him the infamous "blood tax" ship, which was the boat used to... well, you can learn more about this story at your local library. Anyway, the point is, the ship bears a black flag, and to note his triumph over the Minotaur, Thesseus was to take down that flag and wave a white flag instead, noting his success, survival and return to his father. Well, in the excitement of his accomplishment, Thesseus forgot to switch the flags, and when Aegeus saw the black flag waving from his palace, he killed himself, fearing his son dead, tossing himself into the sea, which was later named the Aegean Sea after him. Same thing here, as King Denethor, overly ambitious in his self-destruction, basically ordered his own death when his crystal ball foretold the coming of Sauron's ships. Now, had he waited until the moment of their arrival, he would've seen the flag of would-be-King Aragorn waving and realized that all was not lost, but all was in fact saved... just like Aegeus... and people wonder why I should be renamed the God of Movies and Useless Trivia... damn I'm God... uhm, "good"...
Anyway, having won the day now, Aragorn rallies what's left of the Gondor military and they head to Mordor to take down the evil king Sauron, Master Ring or not! Speaking of which, back at Mt. Doom, an interesting change of events, as Gollum actually proves useful for once. So obsessed and connected with the Master Ring is he (after all, he did wear the damn thing and it's curse for a good couple of decades or so), Gollum manages to attack the invisible hobbit. Focusing on getting back his Precious, Gollum takes a chomp on Frodo, actually severing his ring finger and regaining the doomed item! While Frodo rolls around on the ground in pain, consoled by his pal Sam who watched the whole ordeal, Gollum celebrates the reunion with his only friend, giggling like a school girl and dancing merrily... right over the edge and into the fiery molten pits of Mt. Doom... what the fuck!? All that hard work by our heroes, all that build up, all that false drama, and for what?! Gollum gets the ring and it looks like all hope is lost... until Gollum proves himself one of the lesser balanced frog mutants in the world, spelling out his u-l-t-i-m-a-t-e d-e-m-i-s-e and that of the ring... whatever you bastards. If this is how the book ends, I'm glad I never read it, because then I'd have wasted so much of my life looking at pages upon pages of words, only to completely freaked out and left scarred by such an ending. At least this way I only spend 90 minutes or so doing the same thing, and if I can sacrifice that to shit like Shocking Dark or Ghoulies IV, then I think I can handle this too.
Well, as you can guess, this leaves the kingdom of the mighty Sauron in ruin, as all of Mordor falls apart and the good guys remain victorious, carried off to safety by their eagle compatriots. Aragorn becomes the rightful ruler of Gondor, the place is bathed in prosperity and happiness, and everyone spends their days dancing and playing in the streets like the good people of Tromaville. As for Frodo, Sam, Gandalf and the others, well, they went on with their simple lives up until this day of Bilbo's birthday, when they make it official that Gandalf, Elrond, Bilbo and Frodo will be sailing off in a white ship the next day... likely a metaphor for dying and going to elf Nirvana or something. As for Mary, Pippin and Samwise, Gandalf leaves them to integrate the hobbit race into the oncoming age of man. This is that point I was talking about Gandalf making earlier, where he notes that the hobbit race becomes taller and more human with each generation, hinting that they basically evolve into humans, because "there's a little hobbit in all of us". I can attest to this, and I really wish somebody would help me get him out of there, because he's feasting on my body like a parasite and I'm beginning to wither away... or maybe I'm thinking of a tapeworm. Either way the tale is over, we're left to ponder a few things, and Legolas and Gimli were apparently not important enough to be bothered with... like I said, ups and downs kids.
As I stated prior, the animation and illustration style of the Rankin-Bass films have their own charm, so that's enough said about that. The songs were all good, some of them really making you think. For instance, one of the hobbit tunes says, "less can be more and small can be beautiful". Sure, this may work for little troll people with pointy ears and hairy feet, but what about someone like Ron Jeremy? If that verse of the song were true, then he'd be just another fat hairy guy flipping pseudo beef patties for a living, or playing the "before and after" back hair guy in those Nads Hair Removal System™ infomercials. Then of course there's the best song in the movie, the orcish marching song, "Where There's A Whip, There's A Way". But, even though I love it and listen to the MP3 everyday while typing these fucking unappreciated reviews, I have to wonder where they acquired the instruments for this tune. After all, I imagine it must've been pretty damn hard to create instruments that would make synthesizer and Jimi Hendrix funk-rock guitar sounds... The voices were interesting, including Mary's voice, which was done by "Casey's Top 40" and Shaggy voice Casey Kasem. That's right kiddies, look for "Meriadoc Brandybuck's Top 40", coming to all your favorite Hobbiton radio waves this Fall! Another interesting voice? Roddy “Dr. Cornelius" McDowall supplied the non-fag voice for Frodo's lifemate Samwise.
I would like to make note of another thing in this movie that made little sense to me, being the nit-picking prick that the black, nether reaches of the universe spawned. I noticed at at least two points in the film, where Sam and Frodo each mention the time honored "holy shit, we're screwed" phrase of "God help us". Okay, this is supposed to be the time of Middle Earth, WAY back before recorded history in a time where pretty much all religions are polytheistic (numerous deities), and even if there were "one God" religions, these gods were likely referred to by their given names, such as "By Odin's beard!" or "By the power of Zeus!". I could go on making old world exclamations of surprise, replacing a different god's name in each one, but that's not the idea. The point I'm making is that somebody made a boo-boo and has us believing that Christianity somehow popped it's head in the days of Middle Earth and there was just one God, and his name was as such. Unless you can show me the part in the Bible where Jesus invents the time machine, I'm not buying. I don't know if this was the fault of Tolkien (which I doubt, since the guy invented entire languages for his stories) or Rankin-Bass (since they edited the story to their guidelines I wouldn't put it past them), but either way I'm a geek with nothing better to do but complain and pretend I'm the Egyptian God of Death and Embalming, so humor me. Well, other than my little gripes, I felt this was still a fine fantasy film for lame asses of all ages (such as myself), and I highly recommend it if you're looking for a little something that relies on story, characters and stellar animation instead of gore and sex for a change... yeah, I know, I've probably lost all of you by this point, but again, you catch my drift... heh heh.
As a special treat (and because watching two dogs humping in a church parking lot brought me inspiration earlier today), I decided to elaborate on my earlier comment of "Yes, orcs, the absent minded rednecks of the Middle Earthian age." and pull a Jeff Foxworthy... and no, that's actually NOT an innuendo for once. Enjoy!
You might be a Mordor orc if:
- you hang your armor on your bottom teeth.
- you're outsmarted by mushrooms.
- the doctor smacked your mother instead of you in the delivery room.
- the stuff you eat is worse than the stuff you excrete.
- you make Clint Howard look like Brad Pitt.
- you envy hobbits for their attractive feet.
- being whipped and called "worthless scum" is your idea of a successful date.
The Moral of the Story: Sometimes it takes a monster to stop a monster... or just to bite off a guy's hand and fall into a pit of molten lava.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating: 
- Much like
The Hobbit, this one's a little too cute for a party atmosphere. Sure, it's a bit darker, but it's still Rankin-Bass and there's NO chance of titties or excessive gore.
If You Liked This Flick, Check Out: The Flight of Dragons or
The Dark Crystal
FEEDBACK
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