...Everything Vanishes...

January 2004

Here are all my blog entries for the month of January year 2004. ^^ (Most recent entries are closest to the top.)

Tuesday - January 13, 2004

I haven't written anything here in quite a while. There's a lot I *could* talk about but, of course, I don't have time to do so. I've been off for the past two days (couldn't rouse myself Sunday and I was busy *with Nick* yesterday) so today I have to get back on the ball. Have I mentioned how much I hate working there?

Nick has been acting rather...oddly...as of late. To tell the truth, he's kind of been an ass to me. But I've done good, if I do say so myself - I didn't (or at least, I tried not to) get angry or upset. I couldn't decide whether I should say anything about it or not. As it turns out, I didn't have to bring it up - he did. I went to his house last night - the original plan was to do our Physics together. However, things ended up being tense and uncomfortable between us for quite a while. I was tired and rather upset by some remarks that Nick had made on the Internet before I went over, and I allowed myself to fall back into that "he likes her more than me" rut because Dena was online and I figured that the reason he wouldn't talk to me was because he was too busy talking to her. (That was a friggin' long sentence...) Well, I was burning him a hella good cd so I put up an away message saying I was "Burninating. And wishing I was her." He questioned me about it later, and I said I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to lie about being upset because of Dena but I didn't want to admit that she was why I was upset either. Guess I did a horrible job of covering it up because he went on with how he hates her right now and I shouldn't wish I was her and he used to like her but things are what he thought they were. I mentioned how things are hardly ever what they seem and he got upset about that because he knew I was referring to some aspect of our relationship.

Anyway, things kind of went on like that for a while. At one point, I was lying on his bed and he turned on the blacklight and started drawing on my right arm with a hi-liter. When he finished and I got to look at it, he'd written I <3 U on my bicep, More Than You Will Ever Know on my forearm, and I <3 U on my hand. I can't explain how I felt then. There were too many emotions bombarding me at once (as is becoming usual) and it was hard to feel any one thing. I've always said that about my emotions: at moments like that, I'm feeling so much that it's like I'm not feeling anything at all. He drew several designs on my face and then said, "If there was ever a gold Crow, you are it." But it was when he drew the ankh on my left hand that I almost lost it. All the memories of Chris...the resemblance of Nick's ankh to the ones Chris used to draw on letters to me...the fact that Chris has an ankh tattooed on his *right* hand...I could distinguish that feeling all to well: pain.

Nick walked me out to my car and we stood, hugging for a while. He apologized (for the seventh time that night) and I asked him (for the fourteenth time that night) why he was apologizing. He said it was for being an ass lately - then he told me that he'd been "under stress." I asked why but he wouldn't give me an answer. I went home and got on the Internet and the following conversation occurred:

PhoenixAscend13: so why have you been...."under stress?"
Anarkus02: i dunno
Anarkus02: i've been having these dreams
PhoenixAscend13: about...?
Anarkus02: some are even day dreams
Anarkus02: i'll tell you later, but i gotta go for now
PhoenixAscend13: ok...
PhoenixAscend13: have a good night..
Anarkus02: you too
Anarkus02: dream of me
Anarkus02: good dreams
PhoenixAscend13: dream of me
PhoenixAscend13: good dreams
Anarkus02: i'll twy
Anarkus02: g'night
PhoenixAscend13: ........
PhoenixAscend13: goodnight

After that, I'm kinda thinking that the dreams are about nothing good and they have something to do with me. I could be completely wrong (I hope I am) but...I dunno. I'm rather anxious to find out. I've been having trouble sleeping lately - waking up at odd hours and not being able to go back to sleep - feeling weird emotions at odd hours of the day - and as oddly newagesuperstitiousourfatesareentwined and uncharacteristic as this may sound coming from me, I'm wondering if these ?problems? have anything to do with his dreams...

Well, it's getting close to time for me to leave for work. -_- I'm gonna go fix a few things on the site and then *maybe* email Nick about some things. Here's to a good night - at least I'll have Nikki to keep me company tonight! And I'm off again on Thursday (a blessing, since I'll be able to study with Nick for our Physics test Friday)! Oh man....I hate work.

Saturday - January 03, 2004

Ahh...yesterday was a great day. :)

The night before last, Nick and I had a really long talk about ourselves and our relationship. It started when I went to his house after work. It ended at about 1:00 the next morning, when I decided I should probably get off the computer and go to bed. Talking to him, like that, about the things we talked about, made me sad. But it was soothing at the same time - simply because Nick and I don't have seriouslet'stalkaboutallthethingsweshould conversations very often. So when we do, and it's like it was that night, it's a good thing.

It makes me happy to know that we are capable of communication. Sometimes it really seems like we're just not cut out for that kind of thing. And of course, communication is essential in any relationship so I've been really worried. But now I know - and maybe now we can do as we've mentioned and talk more. Anyway, I have the online conversation saved, so I'll post it here. But first, I'll give an introduction so there will be *less* confusion when I do.

I went to Nick's that night and we talked - about comments that had been made recently (we'd been at odds), about the wreck, about my...depression. I could tell that he was rather upset but I couldn't think of anything I could do about it. Well, when he walked me out to my car he said goodnight and told me that he loved me whether I believed it or not or whether I loved him or not. I asked him if he didn't know that I loved him, but he didn't answer me. He just leaned forward for a kiss and I backed away. I suppose he got angry because he said goodnight again then turned and walked away. I called his name because I wanted him to come back so that I could explain that I wasn't turning from him - I just wanted an answer to my question. But he wouldn't even acknowledge me. So I got home and he was online and the following conversation ensued:

(It's a bit long to put here, so I've decided to just put it on a page to itself. You can click here to see it. You'll need to read it to halfway understand what's going on...^^;)

I was very pleased with the way the conversation ended - I felt a vortex of emotions while remembering the first time he told me about the dream and realizing that we can make it come true and so on. I went to bed with a smile, where I tried expressing my emotions in my journal but with no real luck. The next day (yesterday) I called Nick to see what he was up to. He'd been taking his senior pictures (again). He invited me over and told me that Matt and Garrett wanted to go to Little Rock so that's where we all headed off to. (Er..Callie came too. o.O)

Now understand, Nick is always pretty loving with me - we hug and kiss and snuggle and hold hands like a cute little couple. But yesterday he was in a really good mood. He kept hugging me and calling me his "baby" and he just seemed happy. So of course, I was ecstatic. We went to Best Buy and I bought Pulp Fiction on dvd for him (he didn't want me to and threatened to cry, but I bought it for him anyway ^^). We then went to Romano's Macaroni Grill for some Italian food (oh my God, it was great!). While we were waiting for a table, Nick and I went to the edge of the parking lot where a rail separated the lot from a dropoff leading down to the highway below. We reenacted that scene from Titanic where Rose is on the rail and Leonardo (I dunno his name in the movie) was holding her and saying "I'm the king of the world!!!" Hehehe! We went inside to eat and I had rigatoni al forno and Nick had some shrimp thing - I forget what it's called. For my beverage, I tried this strawberry-flavored lemonade and AHHHH!!! - it was AMAZING!! I let Nick try it and he pronounced it great and me a genius. =D I'm telling you, I've never had a drink that good. Anyway, after we ate, we went to Barnes and Noble for a while and then we went back to Matt's. Nick drove me home and I tried to get him to come in and meet my father, but he said he had a bad feeling about it. I decided I shouldn't push him if that was the case. So we said goodnight and that was that. Wow. What a great night.

Well, I've only got about 35 minutes before I have to leave for work. I haven't talked to Nick all day and I'm kinda missing him. Heh...I hate being so attached, but *shrugs* what can I do? I'll prolly call him after work just to see what he's been up to all day. Maybe he'll let me drop by and get Tenchu so I can play it. :)

Oh - I almost forgot! I was looking at my car today, and I realized that the part of the front fender that looked crumpled beyond repair is no longer like that??? I don't know if it was just mud creating an illusion or if the dent popped itself out or what, but I know that something was there because both Magi and dad saw it! I just don't know where it went? Anyway, if it actually has disappeared, then that may mean that getting the car fixed won't cost as much as we thought it might because maybe the entire front end won't have to be replaced - but there's still that matter of the the passenger side front end being smooshed into the hood. That may be a major problem - I dunno how or if they can stretch it back out...I'll just have to wait until I can get some estimates. I saw Magi at the mall yesterday and she said that Nolan (her brother) wants to take a look at it to see if he can fix any of the dents. And Heather knows a guy who might be able to repaint it for me. So we'll see...*sweat drop*

Ugh, school starts again on Monday! I do not want to go back! I'm so ready to get out of there - only 5 months and some odd days left!!! Maybe it won't be too bad. I put in an application at FYE yesterday - Lynette made me fill one out - she said they're desperate for people. I'm really hoping I'll get hired there - I'm ready to get away from Sonic. The only thing I'll miss about it will be the tips I make carhopping. Callie said that she went and put in an application too and the lady said they'd prolly call either last night or this morning but so far I haven't heard anything. :( I dunno if I should be upset or not. I can't bring myself to call Cal to see if she's heard anything. I applied there once before and they never even called for an interview...*sigh* I'd like to work at UAPB with Nick, but from what he's been telling me, it doesn't look like I'm going to have much luck getting a job there. The college students have first choice at the job - I can only hope none of them want it... >.<

Well, I guess I'll go so that I can continue my search for a layout for the images domain before I have to get ready. Wait...looks like I won't have much time for that either. Oh well. Here's to another good day!

Look! Here's a pic of me and Nick (that rhymes!!) that I stole from Matt's website!

Thursday - January 01, 2004

Well, I brought in the new year with a bang......literally. Wrecked my car last night. It's a long story - and I'm tired of telling it. Mom's pissed as all get out and Dad doesn't want me going anywhere ever again.

Working until close again tonight. Not gonna be fun. I hope we close early again. But then, maybe if we hadn't closed early last night I wouldn't have went to Magi's and I wouldn't have had that wreck......*sigh* My poor car...

Gonna cost an arm and a leg to get it fixed. I have no money - I make no money working that shitty job. Magi offered to help pay and I may have to take her up on it but I really don't want to. It was my fault. Not hers.

I shouldn't have been on the road. I was upset and I have trouble thinking straight as it is. My fault, my fault. The past couple of days have been nothing but bad decisions and nasty consequences. All my fault for not being more alert - for letting things distract me.

Ah...best conversation with Nick yesterday. I wanted to save it, but it got lost in the vortex of cyberspace when AIM decided to stop responding. I don't think I've ever felt so many emotions at once. Talk about a vortex.

I'm still having trouble with the fact that basically what he was saying is that it's ok for everyone else - especially him - to be who and how they are, but I should change who and how I am to make everyone else happy. It's painful - that his "It's always ok for me, but never ok for you." attitude reminds me so much of my father. Several things about Nick remind me of him. I can only hope I don't end up like my mom - married to her father.