...Everything Vanishes...

March 2004

Here are all my blog entries for the month of March year 2004. ^^ (Most recent entries are closest to the top.)

Tuesday - March 16, 2004

It's been a long while. There's been a lot of stuff going on - stuff I probably should have written about. Stuff I did write about in other places. Stuff concerning several things. But the most important - and the most impacting - always concerns Nick.

We've parted ways. Again. But it's different this time. I've never felt so strongly that we won't get back together. There's been quite a bit of irreparable damage done...*sigh* He's so different now. I don't think he's ever felt so far away. He's distant...and there seems to be an underlying current of disgust and something that may be anger when we talk. And we've talked. Online, mostly. We avoided discussion of the relationship (what's left of it, if anything) like the plague. The first day (yesterday), the first time, things seemed ok. We talked like old friends. Laughed. Played. But after that......I dunno. Since that initial conversation, things have been different. Very different. Agh, it makes me sad. So sad. *sigh*

I've thought about it all day. All of yesterday evening, as well. Especially after I figured out he was hiding from me online. He was online for over an hour and I didn't know because he'd blocked me. That's the only way he could have done it. Then, when I asked him about it, he was nonresponsive. It really hurt that he would do such a thing, but....I guess I can't really blame him. I'm finally realizing that maybe all of this - all of me - is just too much for him to handle. And with that, I've realized that......we probably won't ever get back together this time. I think he's already set himself against me. And I don't think it took much, after I confessed to him that I really do have a mental problem.

I screwed up. Big time. Maybe if I hadn't written that email, things would have worked themselves out on their own - like they've done all the times before. But I wanted to make him understand. I wanted to bring him back faster - I didn't want to wait. And I thought I could do that by telling him the truth. But the truth has only pushed him away. I've repulsed him. In trying to get him back, I've disgusted him to such an extent that he can't want to come back. Agh..........my world is falling (has fallen?) apart. And now I have to go, so I'll finish this later.