Don't Get Fresh with Me

Real trees look better, smell better, hold more lights, cost more money, shed more needles...Display trees should be artificial. Sub for Santa needs to be real. Now it's story time.

Once upon a time there was a wonderful Festival with hundreds of live trees. They were fully decorated, and smelled wonderful. Their strong branches could hold up heavy decorations without sagging. Cold, barren, Concrete-land was transformed in a single day into a enchanted forest. These trees were lovingly sprayed with the most expensive fire retardant the fire department could buy. And everyone lived happily ever after...until.

There was in the same city a governor's mansion, built in the age of robber barons by a very wealthy mining family. It had a two story carved wooden staircase and oval mezzanine. A 30 foot tree was yearly placed standing up through the oval opening between the two stories. One year the fire department did come to spray the governor's tree with the most expensive fire retardant. They pumped and primed the sprayer, but no expensive fire retardant came out. It had all been used up on the beautiful Festival Trees. So the fire department left for the night.

Now, I leave you to guess which tree had the big short circuit on Dec. 11th? And as the flames took out two stories & 3/4 of the Kern's Mansion, the governor's family found to their horror that the exits were vapor locked. Fortunately a security guard on the grounds broke in and got them out. Of this holocaust, Missus Governor left one terse statement ''The Governor wasn't home.'' And from that night to this - no floor straw, garland, tumbleweed, or Festival Tree is real.

I have other horror stories to stalk your nightmares in the wiring chapter. But enough of that. I like real trees; which hardly means that I should use only the live trees. Artificial is the only type allowed at the Festival. So I deal with their design flaws. If you are working with a display tree an artificial will save money and fuss over the years. You don't have to water them. You don't have to turn the bare spot to the wall. When you are finished with the display, you can pop them back into the box. Next year you shake them out like an umbrella and they return to perfect silhouette.

Live trees are deceitful. They look perfect in a dark lot. Take them home and the bare spots and broken branches appear from nowhere. I chose the Marilyn Monroe of the Christmas tree lot one year. Paid a slug of money for her too. I had also broken my glasses. By the time I got another pair on, it was too late. The trunk under the perfect silhouette had a 35 degree curve. I had made a Festival Tree out of the Leaning Tree of Pisa.

Live trees remain that way only because you remember to water them. And hopefully you've had the good sense not to shave their bark off. They drink through the BARK, two to four quarts a day through a fresh sawed bark ring. Even then, they are extra crunchy by New Year's. I wouldn't recommend reusing them.

But then, the best practical joke I've ever seen involved some used real trees, a few teenagers out after curfew, the neighbor's snow banks, and an unexpected hard freeze. What a merry mix that was! Until February it looked as if his yard had been landscaped overnight in blue spruce. Generally, live dead trees are better for recycling into wood chips, and that's about it. Our county park service has a monster chipping machine. They get most of their mulch from used Christmas Trees. And the park flora appreciates the moisture retention and return of nutrients these chips provide.

When you're decorating for White House, or the Tabernacle Choir's annual Christmas Concert remember the Auntie Mame Theme ''Live, live, live!'' Home and Garden Channel filmed ''A White House Christmas''. I assume they will continue to do so. Watch for it if you are interested in how the best of the best designers handle these heavily decorated trees. I've already checked with their online store. It isn't available now but may return for the holidays, if enough people ask. See Source page for their web site.

A simple splash of lights was the only decoration on the trees during the Tabernacle Choir's Christmas Special with Walter Cronkite. Pristine, simple, very powerful mood control was achieved with gentle dimming and color change. The effect was especially striking during the Christmas Armistice sequence between ''Oh, Holy Night'' and the 23rd Psalm. If you are interested in this kind of background display effect, Deseret Book should have the Silent Night cd in stores this holiday. The product id is #100062494. See the Source page for their web site.

A sub for Santa tree is more important than either of these super formal settings. It needs the heart, and downright guts, only a live tree provides. The live tree is much studier for transporting. Live holds large ornaments and gifts that would capsize artificial. Live also attracts babies, and family pets. 2 cats & the lady Oh, the time the poor dog has tried to peacefully share space under a gently glowing tree. And suddenly! from nowhere, a giant hairy arm, armed with sharp pointy claws, has smacked him silly.

I had a 23-year-old cat that would whoop the dog into next week rather than let him nap under her Christmas Tree. In her younger days she would scale to the top, swat down the ornaments, eat the tinsel, lick the frosting off the Santa cookies. It's good to see someone enjoy Christmas this much. When you hear the crash *tinkle* in the middle of the night the next paragraph will haunt you. When Festival decorators hear the crash *tinkle* they all freeze, and their eyes bug out. I've seen Festival Pop every decorating day. Murphy's Law of decorating states that the attraction of gravity isn't directly proportional to the ornaments mass; IT is proportional to surface shine of the ornament. In real words you only drop the shiny ones, the soft ornaments don't slip. To prevent premature apoplexy, remember wire is your friend.

Cats and little children love to grab hold of Christmas Trees. Dogs have a notorious sweet tooth. My older brother is personally responsible for wiping out three dozen size 6 red Christmas balls with one yank. He was a strong li'l crawler. Justice has prevailed though. His Christmas trees have been haunted by three active boys and at least two cats. Look at that anxious cat wriggling in the picture. Wire is your friend, did you remember that? Wire the top of the tree to a hanging plant hook, door hinge, closet bar, Anything! 70 pounds of torque won't yank out. Unbreakable ornaments, and soft sculpture, go on the bottom. Breakables, choking hazards, and goodies you want in display condition by the 25th go on top. The next morning, you can just tweak the debris back into position, and smile.

Successful Tree
Display trees are second cousins to swimming pools. They are attractive hazards. The more attractive the hazard is - the more successful the tree. Remember wire is your friend. Every single ornament on a Festival Tree is wired down. But the items under them are not. The trees are behind crowd control ropes, with plenty of docents on every aisle keeping watch over the flocks by day and night. The press is interested in the tree with the highest auction price, or most moving parts. What do they know? The most efficient way to judge a display tree is to count the number of delighted children breaking free of restraint to make a grab for them. My mean streak really comes out while I'm laughing at the desperate mother with the broken leg trying to keep her kids behind the guard ropes.

When I finished decorating this Raggedy Ann tree, Uncle Clem was riding the Camel with Wrinkled Knees, the quilt was neatly folded, bird embroidery turned out, and Raggedy Ann was holding the baby from the Nativity Set. When I took this picture the camel's forelegs were all that were poking out from underneath Uncle Clem's kilt. The baby was back in the manger. And the quilt had been refolded in the wrong direction. These items kept moving around, despite the guard rope and the docents. Aha! success.

Live trees can withstand the mauling. Their limbs are firmly attached. Artificials fall to pieces. Even wired limbs detach from their sockets during transport. A folding umbrella tree will survive transport. Barcana trees made by the Barthelmess Co. have these hinges as well as a warranty stretching over the decades. They are the Numero Uno artificial. I've seen them in banks, car dealers, churchs, etc. They are my favorite to work on. The price starts at $150. Transported Barcanas can have stand trouble. (see stands page) Whew! But even the humble bottle brush tree can be enchanting. Candyland theme trees have a harsh look only a flocked bottle brush can soften. Multi colored lights form a soft pastel halo against white FLOCKED bottle brush.

Barcanas are the most likely to get the ''Oooo! it looks so real.'' comment. In a pig's eye they do; not unless someone has taken the time to shake out the branches, and reshape the tips. Being smashed up in a box does bad voodoo to the tree shape. Being trussed up on a flatbed for a month or two keeps a live tree moist. Cut the cord, shake it shake it baby, and voila - the tree is in good form.

Artificials need to be spread out branch by branch. Then the tips need to be curled upward. Look at an uncut evergreen. THE TIPS TURN UP. They like basking in the sunlight like any other plant. You can see how a healthy tree stretches out its branches so the needles gets the maximum daily dose of sun. Down turned tips on a fresh tree mean its too late to put the water in the pan.