Synopsis: Cybill gets a gig as a clown on a kiddy show and pursues the boom operator; Maryann and Ira pursue each other over dinner and bizarre innuendoes; Zoey pursues a trip to Europe; Rachel and her father pursue reconciliation.

Story by: Howard M. Gould

The Cast

Character	Actor
Cybill Sheridan/Booty	Cybill Shepherd
Maryann Thorpe	Christine Baranski
Major Milo	Tim Conway
Zoey	Alicia Witt
Ira Woodbine	Alan Rosenberg
Jeff Robbins	Tom Wopat
Rachel	Dedee Pfeiffer
Henry	Burke Moses
Announcer	David Willis
Director	Roger Kabler
Little Girl	Sydney Berry
Prod. Asst. (P.A.)	Clinton Jackson

Look for the timeline error. ;-)

CYB = CYBILL = CYB

Notes: I guessed when it was the director and when it was the production assistant talking. These guesses could be completely wrong.

When I printed this, it took 17 pages.

Braces {} enclose unclear speech.

Transcribed via microcassette tape and notes.

ANNOUNCER
Zip up your grrravity boots! Live, from outer space (and Hollywood) it's time for:

KIDS
[scream it] Major Milo! Yey!!!

MILO
Hi kids! Hey!! Zonk, zonk, waddle!!!

[EVERYONE crosses arms, puts thumbs on nose, waggling all fingers.]

KIDS
Zonk, zonk, waddle!!!

[obvious door knock]

MILO
Oh! I wonder who that could be??! [opens door and clown comes in on tricycle, honking horn, cycles around.]

KIDS
[cheering] Yey!!

BOOTY
Zonk, zonk, waddle, Major Milo! [to KIDS] Hi! My name is Booty! [is out of trike now, uses her sound effect big butt]

[KIDS laugh.]

BOOTY
I came all the way from planet Clown. [looks at shoe] I think I stepped in something over by the Dog Star.

MILO
Oooo. [KIDS laugh]

BOOTY
Boy, could I use a shower! [KIDS laugh]

MILO
Did You Say Shower?? As in: Meteor Shower? [goes over by the kids to get out of the way while BOOTY (CYBILL) acts dumb and a pile of medium-sized ball bearings fall on her]

[KIDS laugh]

BOOTY
Hey! It takes more than that to bring Booty down!

[Big red ball lands right on her head, bird tweeting noise as she plays fainting to the ground. KIDS yell, "Yey!" and laugh.]

MILO
How many times do I have to tell you: no more orphans. Kids sit there with a chip on his shoulder glaring at me like it's my fault. I don't.. bunch of mopes.

CYB/BOOTY
This is fun. I've never done live T.V. before.

MILO
Yeah? You know something--you were good out there.

CYB/BOOTY
Really? Ahh.

MILO
Yeah--nothing brings a smile to a kid's face like a big loudass--hey, wanna have dinner?

CYB/BOOTY
I don't know, Milo, whenever I go out with Living Legends, I always get my heart broken. Took me three years to get over Soupy Sales.

MILO
[affecting nonchalance] Heh. Well, I'm the king all right, you know. Yeah, outlasted 'em all. Cap'n Kangaroo. Bozo.

CYB/BOOTY
Sharri Lewis is still going strong.

MILO
Ahhhh--kids are stupid.

P.A.
[walks up] Milo? There's a little kid here from "Make-A-Wish" who'd love to meet you.

MILO
Yeah? Well tell him to make another wish.

CYB/BOOTY
Hey! Einstein! You put your boom dolly on my foot.

HENRY
Oh, sorry--back up.

CYB/BOOTY
Hey, I know you--Henry, right?

HENRY
Ahh.. What, Cybill, hey! I haven't seen you since that--fish stick commercial. You're the one who ate too much breading.

CYB/BOOTY
You're the married man with the big boom.

HENRY
I'm divorced now.

CYB/BOOTY
My marriage failed, too. Isn't this great? An' I'm still acting and you're still booming an' here we are in outer space, 'n' life's so funny, an' I'm done now; you talk.

HENRY
Well, so Cybill, you know what they say about a woman with big feet.

CYB/BOOTY
Ooo--huh. Everything you've ever heard, was true.

IRA
No, Jeff, Zoey should come in first. Zoey, go back out and start again.

ZOEY
Okay. [continues on in]

[CYBILL and MARYANN march in, mock-sedately, singing with fun. The tune is "Pomp and Circumstance," the words are not.]

CYBILL
[singing] I'm so proud of Zoh-eee. She's first in her claaaaass.

MARYANN
[singing] Why didn't they have air condiiitioning?

CYBILL
[singing very high and loud] Because it was outsiiiiide! [MARYANN opens mouth wide with CYBILL's singing]

RACHEL
[comes in] Don't run away, dad. I was trying to tell you my therapist says that one of my problems is I don't take responsibility for things.. I blame you for that.

JEFF
It wasn't my fault. I was never around.

MARYANN
So, Cybill, now that your last daughter is graduating High School, what're you going to do to celebrate?

CYBILL
With any luck, I'm gonna nail the boom operator down at work..

MARYANN
One can't help but admire the selfishness of that..

IRA
[comes in] Maryann, I have something to say to ya.

MARYANN
Ira. I have something to say to you.

CYBILL
Cybill, you have nothing to say to either of these people. [leaves]

IRA
[to MARYANN] I've been trying to find a moment alone with you to say, I'm sorry about what happened between you and me the other night. What do you say we try another date Saturday. I'll make you dinner at my house.

MARYANN
Your house? Dinner? What can I bring--oh, I know, Wolfgang Puck.

IRA
No, no. I.. I just want it to be the two of us.

MARYANN
Oh, Ira. [goes to hug him and messes up Zoey's cake]
Mmmm.. feels delicious.

RACHEL
You know, Daddy always promised to take me to Major Milo but he [high voice] never did. My therapist said I have low self-esteem because you never took me anywhere.

CYBILL
He took you to all his weddings.

JEFF
Yeah, except for the one in Vegas.

CYBILL
You should bring her to the show tomorrow--it's Kooky Komic Day.

RACHEL
What d'ya say, Dad.

CYBILL
[leaving] Zonk, zonk, waddle.

JEFF
Thanks, thanks, Cybill.

ZOEY
[amused, funny] Ohhh, Mom, you went through the dumpster behind the bakery--I told you not to make a fuuss.

IRA
[entering] Maryann'll be out as soon as she picks the coconut out from under her fingernails.

ZOEY
Coconut creme, my favorite! I'm gonna miss you when I'm in Europe, Mom.

CYBILL
Europe?

ZOEY
Oh! Nina an' I decided to go this summer. We got a real great deal, we're flying stand-by on a courier flight. We're just gonna, you know, bum around for a couple of months, then we're gonna ride bikes, hitchhike, sleep in barns. I thought I told you about this?

IRA
Hey. If you an' Nina want to ride bikes, you can do it right here in the neighborhood--and stay off Ventura Boulevard..

CYBILL
We can't let you run off to Europe with some half-baked, dangerous, plan. You could get stranded. You could get robbed. You could get.. Dutch Elm Disease.

ZOEY
Dutch Elm Disease?!

CYBILL
That happens to be a big problem over there, Missy!

ZOEY
I knew you'd go crazy like this. You know what: I'm going to Europe: I'm 18 and you can't stop me.

CYBILL
You're not 18..

ZOEY
I hate you. [turns around, heads upstairs]

CYB/BOOTY
Hi Henry! How's that boom hangin'..

HENRY
[cool/short] Fine, thanks.

CYB/BOOTY
Sooo, I was wondering iiif, you'd like to go out sometime. I could even take off this makeup. Unless you're into that sort of thing..

HENRY
I make it a rule never to date the boss's girlfriend.

CYB/BOOTY
What're you talking about, who's the boss's girlfriend?

HENRY
Well, Milo says you are.

CYB/BOOTY
What? I am not. I'm serious. Why won't anybody take me seriously!! [butt makes a boing noise.] Hey! Come out! [boing noises come out of her stomach]

ANNOUNCER
Hold onto your helmets, zip up your gravity boots, Live from outer space (in Hollywood) it's time for:

KIDS
[as MILO enters] Major Milo!!!

MILO
Oooh, boy, ha ha! Hi kids, hey! Zonk, zonk, waddle! [BOOTY's with him, honking a horn]

KIDS
Zonk, zonk, waddle!!!

RACHEL
See, Dad, isn't it therapeutic to act really really childish? Hee hee.

MILO
Today, I have a really big surprise for my special friend, Booty!

KIDS
Yey!!!

BOOTY
Hey, Major Milo! Booty loves surprises!

MILO
Oh good! [serious] I suppose some of you kids out there wonder what Major Milo does in his free time. Well, the truth is, uh, he's a lonely, lonely, man.

BOOTY/CYB
I take that back: Booty hates surprises.

MILO
Yes, Major Milo is tired of the singles scene, kids. But now there'll be: no more blind dates, no more personal ads, no more volleyball for Christian unmarrieds. No, Major Milo has found his mate! Cybill, [kneels, then says fast, direct] will you marry me.

BOOTY/CYB
Gosh, I'd love to answer your question, Major Milo, but it's time for a commercial. [whisper, to DIRECTOR] Now.

DIRECTOR
[waits] Call. We're clear.

MILO
[pause, looking up] I can hardly wait for my mother to meet you..

CYB/BOOTY
What? Is she nuts, too?

MILO
Don't you understand? I love you, what's more, I want you!! [clings to her foot and shin]

CYB/BOOTY
[tries to pull away] {Don't even.} Go home and take a cold shower!

MILO
[on alert] Shower.. Oooooh boy.. [gets out of the way as a shower of ball bearings falls on CYB/BOOTY]

KIDS
Yey!!!!

CYB/BOOTY
[wryly] Now I know why Mr. Greenjeans drank.

CYBILL
I can't believe that little Astro-Runt proposed to me on television! [grumpy, pouty] It's keeping me from getting it on with "Boom Boom." It's been two years, Maryann. Two long years and I can't tell you how many D-cells.

MARYANN
You know, I got one you can plug into the cigarette lighter in your car..

CYBILL
Oh, that explains all the static on your car phone..

MARYANN
[pause, amused]
Oh--you know what I bought for my date with Ira, tell me what you think. [hands her a nice little shopping bag]

CYBILL
[as she pulls out skimpy item after skimpy item of clothes] Classy.. Elegant.. Understated.. crotchless. No fair. You get to wear that? An' I have to wear a strap-on musical butt.

[ZOEY comes in, wearing a backpack, sarcastically not looking at them, walking around kitchen.]

ZOEY
La, la, la-la, la. Here I am backpacking around my own home. It's so much more stimulating than, say, Europe.

CYBILL
I know she's trying to make a point but for the life of me, I can't figure out what it is..

ZOEY
Oh, look, native peasants.. Now it's off to--The Laundry Room! Don't wanna miss the changing-of-the-lint!

CYBILL
Zoey, I know you're angry. But we can't let you go to Europe with no plan.

ZOEY
Fine, I don't need to see the cradle of democracy or the City of Lights or the birthplace of Shakespeare. I'll just stay here in L.A. where everything reminds me of Sean. [leaves]

MARYANN
I thought the City of Lights was Vegas.

CYBILL
You also thought you could serve hot Bloody Marys as soup..

DIRECTOR
Cybill!
I can't find Milo.. Just gonna have ta wing it until he gets here.

CYB/BOOTY
What? On?

P.A.
All right, fellas, let's bring in the audience.

CYB/BOOTY
Wing the show? This could be my big break.. There'll be Booty lunch boxes, Booty board games, "Booty on Ice." I wonder if Llyod's of London would insure a heinie? [butt makes a boing noise as she walks on the set]

JEFF
Hey Rache, what do you say we watch Major Milo? It's "Robots are People, too" Day..

RACHEL
Too little and too late.. You know, when I was a kid, Dad, you missed everything: my dance recitals, spelling bee, the Hanukkah festival the year Ira made me go to Hebrew school..

You never paid attention: you didn't know anything about me.

JEFF
Gee, Rache, I think you're being a little hard on the old man.. [pulls our a board game]

RACHEL
[excitedly breathes in] Ah! "Operation"? This is my favorite game! How did you know??

JEFF
Yeah, I was there..
You drove me crazy playing "My Sharona." Yyyou practically lived on Count Chocula, an' you loved this game because you wanted to be a doctor.

RACHEL
Gee, Dad. I guess you paid more attention than I thought.

JEFF
I guess so. Does this mean we get to be grown-ups again?

RACHEL
[breathes in] Sure.

JEFF
All right.

RACHEL
But only after we play one game of "Operation"! [jumps for the game]

CYB/BOOTY
Hey! This doesn't work, it's supposed to make a noise..

P.A.
Oh that's funny, I put two D-cells in there this morning.

CYB/BOOTY
[nervously preparing] Pause for announcer, greet kids, official salute, oh, no.. what is it? Hong Kong Yuttle, Ting Tong Tuttle.

HENRY
[bored] Zonk, zonk, waddle..

CYB/BOOTY
[peeved, dismissive] Ooohh.. It's youuu..

HENRY
I don't care if I jeopardize my job, I'd love to go out with you sometime.

CYB/BOOTY
Ooohh! So now Mr. Boom Boom wants to go out with the clown chick. Well, she's a little busy getting ready to wing it on live T.V, thank you very much Mr. Too-Damn-Late!

ANNOUNCER
[as music starts] Hold onto your helmets, zip up your gravity boots, Live from outer space (and Hollywood), it's time for: Booty?.. [music grinds to a halt]

KIDS
Oooooh..

BOOTY
Zonk zonk waddle boys an' girls!

LITTLE GIRL
Where's Major Milo?

BOOTY
Major Milo is--hiding.

KIDS
Oooohh..

BOOTY
Let's meet our studio audience. Anybody here from out of town?

KIDS
We want Milo! We want Milo! We want Milo!

[Behind half opened door, MILO is showing up, drunk, in a suit, colorful shirt, no tie--and wearing his space helmet.]

MILO
Oh, a, zonk, ah, zonk, ah, ah, yes, zonk. Uh. [bumps his head on door because it's not all the way up] Yeah, hi kids!

KIDS
[screaming] Yey!

BOOTY
Milo! You're back! How was your trip to Pluto?

MILO
Aaaa.. Screw Pluto. I was down there at, aaat the Blue Hawaiian Lounge, aaat the--Airport Hilton. Ah, you know, all of this could have been yours, ya know, the the console, the hatch, the.. I'm incorporated, ya know, hey, what're all these kids doin' in my living room--get out a here, you bla-ah oh! [collapses]

CYB/BOOTY
[wryly] Houston: we have a problem.

CYB/BOOTY
You know this'd be a lot easier if I didn't have to maneuver this big butt--it's all padding, by the way, well, most of it. [she falls on bed, and MILO's on top of her--a honking noise comes out of the costume]

HENRY
Suppose this is another bad time to ask you out..

CYB/BOOTY
Why? Because I'm in bed with another man?
[gets MILO off of her]
Oh. I would love to go out with you--how about Saturday.

HENRY
Busy--tomorrow?

CYB/BOOTY
Can't. How about now.

HENRY
Check my book. [they embrace and her costume honks]

CYB/BOOTY
Oh. 'Scuse me.

MILO
Oh! {???} Wha? Wha? [falls between wall and bed]

IRA
I, ah, cooked Szechwan. I hope you brought your..
appetite..

MARYANN
Oh. Yes..
You know I haven't eaten since last.. spring.

IRA
I hope you enjoy a nice.. sizzling..
pork?..

MARYANN
Who doesn't..
But an hour later, I always want more..

IRA
Maybe I should.. heat up your.. dumplings.

MARYANN
Ha ha--Ira, you already have.

CYB/BOOTY
Oh Henry.

HENRY
Oh Cybill. [honk]

CYB/BOOTY
Oh, Milo.

HENRY
Capper.

CYB/BOOTY
All right, but hurry.

HENRY
No, I meant him.

[They drag MILO out from where he was into the bathroom. MILO's still got the space helmet on and they hit his head accidentally about six times on the way. They sit him on the toilet and shut the door on him. In the dressing room, they get hot and heavy despite the costume.]

MARYANN
Now. Where were we?

IRA
I'd love to..
crack open your..
fortune cookie.

MARYANN
I can't..
believe how you're, um.. water chestnuts..
stay so firm.

IRA
You really..
know your way around..
a chop-stick?..

MARYANN
And you.. make me feel so..

Egg Foo Young?..
I quit! Take me, now! Or I'm going home.

IRA
[relieved] Oh, thank you Maryann! Waitin' all night for some kind of sign!

[They get up and reach over the (small) table and passionately embrace. Food is getting jumbled, glasses clanking.]

HENRY
You know, you were my first clown.

CYBILL
Technically I was your first, second, and third clown.

MILO
[comes in] Oh Henry, thanks! I'll take it from here.

IRA
Oh, god, I think you broke it..

CYBILL
Ira! What happened to your nose?

IRA
Don't ask.

CYBILL
That's okay, I don't wanna know. Well, I do wanna know, but Maryann'll tell it better.

[ZOEY's coming down stairs.]

IRA
Zoey, good, ah, your mother an' I have been talking some more about Europe.

ZOEY
Something's different, Dad.
Haircut?

CYBILL
What would you say if we said we'd decided to let you go on your trip?

ZOEY
I'd saaay, "Where are my real parents?" And then I'd think a minute and say, "Who cares?"

CYBILL
Eight cities, three weeks. Reservations in nice safe hotels--and Nina's parents are doin' the same for her. [hands her her ticket]

ZOEY
[pause] Is this a trick?

CYBILL
Yes, Zoey, we're tricking you into exploring Europe on our dime.

ZOEY
[happy, charmed, looks at ticket] Hee, well, thank you, uh, whoever you people are.
Oh my god, this flight leaves in three weeks, I better start packing. [heads upstairs]

CYBILL
Wait a minute! I haven't finished sewing your name on all your clothes!

ZOEY
Aaaagh! [runs upstairs, CYBILL chasing--they are joking around]

[Doorbell rings. IRA opens it. It's MARYANN.]

MARYANN
Ira. Oh, my little Raging Bull..
Look at you.

IRA
Maryann, I haven't stopped thinking about ya. Every dull throb reminds me of last night.

MARYANN
Listen, Ira, we never really did get to talk, what with all the screaming and hemorrhaging.

IRA
Not to mention the passing out.

MARYANN
You look pretty healthy now..

IRA
I don't know--feelin' kind of, feverish.

MARYANN
Would you like me to take your temperature..

IRA
Wait, wait. Let's stop this before someone gets hurt again.

MARYANN
Then, Ira, can I ask you a question?

IRA
Sure.

MARYANN
Are you my boyfriend now?

IRA
Yeah, I guess I am. [nice linger in look and kiss, CYBILL just then comes downstairs and stops]

CYBILL
What was I thinking--the attic's not down here.

IRA
It's okay, I was just leaving. Bye Cyb.
[pause looking at MARYANN] Bye Maryann.

MARYANN
[nice] Bye Ira.

[IRA leaves. CYBILL and MARYANN go to the kitchen, get out liquor and soda.]

CYBILL
So what exactly did happen between you and Ira's nose?

MARYANN
Well, let's just say I broke it before the lingerie became relevant.

CYBILL
So I guess I'm the only clown who "worked the big top" last night..

MARYANN
You didn't.

CYBILL
Oh, it was a three ring circus..

MARYANN
Aaaah! Yes! Sooo! You went for the hunky crew guy when you could have married the T.V. star?

CYBILL
Former T.V. star! They canceled Milo's show after he got drunk! Rumor has it he's on his way to Vegas, to open for Sharri Lewis.

MARYANN
Lamb chop works topless there, you know. If you sit close enough, you can see bare knuckles.

CYBILL
You know, Maryann, for once we both got what we wanted.

MARYANN
It's true; I got Ira an' you got lucky.

CYBILL
Zoey's graduated--I see good times ahead. I think we can finally give our lives some structure, focus, and real meaning.

MARYANN
[with CYB, walking to couch] Here, here. So how should we usher in this new phase?

[They are seated on couch, legs propped up, have drinks.]

CYBILL
I know, let's go down to Kinko's and fax our breasts to Al Gore.

Last Updated: 5 June, 1997