"HIDDEN FLAME" by Sarah Ryniker

STORY LAST UPDATED ON 20/05/2002

Hidden Flame Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

CHAPTER ONE

Death. It seemed to surround me. But this was the hardest thing I had ever had to deal with. The coffin lay in front of us, as if to remind us that we do not live forever. Even the most wonderful people die. I didn't want that reminder right now. This was so painful I wasn't sure I could handle it. But I would. For my two girls sitting beside me, crying, I would.
    "Jacob Weston had been a man of good faith. He had been full of life and happiness. He was man that loved his wife and two daughters very much. I'm sure he hated to leave them. But it was God's will." The preacher droned on and I half listened until that part.
    God's will, my ass, I scoffed in my mind. Sometimes God worked in the cruellest ways and when it came to me, it seemed as if he truly just didn't like me. Just as I knew unhappiness would come to claim me again, it had. I missed Jacob terribly. When the police had called to tell me that he'd walked into the bank during a robbery and had been shot, I had been horrified. And when he died three hours later at the hospital, I was sure I had died, too.
    But of course, maybe God had a problem with my lack of faith. I believed in God, of course. But I felt I had a certain kind of relationship with him. He was bound to make everything bad happen to me, just to see how it goes and if I could survive before trying it on someone else. Well, God, I spoke to him in my mind, could you please lie off of me for just a bit? I'd appreciate it immensely.
    Having everyone that loved Jacob come to the house after the funeral wasn't the best of ideas. Kit was having the toughest time dealing with it, and I hated everyone seeing my happy-go-lucky daughter looking as if she was about to fall apart. Gabby tried her best to hold her sister together, in spite of her own heart taking its own fall. Gabby was always the stronger one of the two. She kept Kit alive sometimes, I think.
    We thanked everyone for coming and for their kindness during this rough time. But all the while, I don't think any of us cared whether or not these people showed up. We had all lost one of the most important people to us. Who cares if these people came to mourn with us? They couldn't bring him back, no matter how sorry they were.
    When everyone finally left, the girls and I sat down in the dining room, relieved that they were all gone. "Mama, do you think any of those people really care if Daddy is gone or not?" Kit asked. She seemed upset at the thought of people coming to eat, rather than coming out of respect and mourning for her father.
    "Of course they care, Kit," Gabby assured her. "They wouldn't come if they didn't care. You know that we know everybody that came today. They all cared. Really." It sounded more to me as if my older daughter was trying to convince herself that they had come to mourn him with his family.
    I shook my head. "Don't worry about it, girls. All we have to do now is assure ourselves that we can go on without him." I choked on my last words. I was trying so hard not to cry. But it was difficult. I missed him. I knew being without him would be hard. But I could do it. For both the girls and myself.
    Days later, the girls were sent back to school. Kit was having a harder time dealing with it than Gabby was. I could see it in her eyes. Both girls felt his death. It had hit them hard. Yet Kit's eyes bothered me the most. I hated to see this child, who was normally so happy and charming, look so lost and miserable.
    I watched the girls walk out the front door towards the car to go to school when I noticed Kit's uniform. It was on inside out, and her uniform hat wasn't even on her head. "Kit!" I called out to her. Both girls stopped; Gabby knew what was wrong but she looked at me and shrugged helplessly.
    "What, Mama?" Kit asked as she approached me. I felt like crying as I looked upon her. Her clothes were not only on inside out, but buttoned crooked and her shirt wasn't tucked in all of the way. She looked as if she just couldn't get anything together anymore. She was too young for this!
    "Honey, do you realise that you look a mess? Come on, let me help you fix yourself up," I told her, holding out my hand. She looked at me with my giant tears in her eyes but gave me her hand.
    We walked upstairs and into her room where I quickly began fixing her up. "Mama, I just miss Daddy so much that I don't care how I look," she cried.
    I looked at her sympathetically. "I know, Kit. But we all have to go on now. Daddy wouldn't want us all to stay so miserable. You know how much he hated to see you sad. Well, he certainly wouldn't want us to be sad now, would he?"
    She looked thoughtful for a moment and then shook her head. "I s'pose he wouldn't want us to be so sad. Would he really want us to be happy again, Mama?"
    I smiled at her as I finished brushing her hair and slipped her hat on her head. "Of course he would want us to be happy again. So go ahead and be yourself again. Daddy wouldn't want you to change from being such a happy person into a sad one. He loved to see you smile. So smile all you want, sweetie."
    When we came back downstairs, Gabby was waiting at the door for Kit still. I let go of her hand and Kit, being a little bit more like herself, ran out the door to the car. Gabby looked at me.
    "Take care of her and watch her close, Gabby. Make sure she keeps her sanity. She's too young to lose it," I told her.
    "I know how she feels, though, Mama. I miss Daddy, too. Very much," she said sadly.
    Gabby didn't know that Jacob wasn't her real father. I hadn't really told her much of the past. It wasn't something she needed to know. It wasn't something that either of the girls needed to know. It would only cause them misery. And I didn't want to make the two of them as miserable as I had been growing up. I wanted only happiness for them.
    I made Gabby promise to watch over Kit and then sent them on their way. They stayed at their private school until Friday afternoon. Then I would see them again. Until then, I would sit around the house and try to find a way to amuse myself. It hadn't been this hard before Jacob's death. But now, now I just didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't let myself go into my room, lock the door and just cry. I couldn't let myself fall into that sort of depression. My girls needed me too much. And Jacob wouldn't want me to do that.
    I walked back up to my room where I fell asleep for another hour before the phone rang. I picked it up and answered, surprised by the voice on the other end. "Hello?" I answered groggily.
    "Phoenix. It's so wonderful to hear your voice. I found your mother and she told me how to get a hold of you," I heard a familiar voice say. I knew the voice; I just couldn't place it. It had aged a bit since last I'd heard it.
    "Who is this?" I asked, confused, yet more awake than before.
    "It's me. Josh, your cousin. Well, sort of. You had thought I was your cousin, anyway," he answered.
    At first, I could say nothing. There was nothing to say. He had been a good friend of mine. I just hadn't heard from him in years. Now why was he trying to find me? Finally, I spoke. "Why are you looking for me?"
    "I've just missed you. We were good friends. Karen said that you've had a great tragedy, though. I just am calling to make sure everything is all right." He seemed concerned.
    "Everything is fine. The girls and I will live on. We have to. And my girls are strong, like I am. We'll be fine," I assured him. I didn't trust him. Why would someone just call me out of nowhere? Why would someone just be looking for me? It creeped me out.
    "I was wondering if I could come by and see you sometime, Phoenix? You know, take a walk down old memory lane? It's been years since we last saw one another. Wouldn't it be fantastic?" He seemed excited. That also bothered me. My husband had just died. I didn't want to just go meet some guy I hadn't known in years.
    And yet, hadn't I been the one to tell Kit just that morning that we had to be happy and go on with our lives? Hadn't I been the one to assure her that Jacob would want that? Josh had been my family at the time. There was nothing wrong with meeting up with him to talk about old times. Maybe I would even laugh a little bit. Who knows? The only way I'd find out is if I agreed.
    "Sure, Josh. We can go ahead and do that. When would you like to meet up?" I asked. I still wasn't sure about it, but I agreed anyway. I needed to follow the advice I had given my daughter. I needed to go on with my life.
    "Well, I will be near there during tomorrow late morning, early afternoon sometime. I'll call you when I am around the area. I don't know where the house is exactly, but you could tell me where it's at and I can come by for lunch. How does that sound?" He seemed eager to see me, another thing that irritated me. But I ignored my nagging feeling and went ahead and agreed.
    "That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow then?"
    "Great, see you later," he said, which I found pretty corny, especially his laugh. I quickly said goodbye and hung up the phone. As soon as the phone was back on the receiver, I couldn't help but ask myself what I had just done.
    When Josh called the next day to tell me that he was in town, I gave him directions to the house. After I hung up, I got dressed. I didn't care how I looked, though. I simply brushed my hair and slipped into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. I didn't really care what he thought about me. I had been no more than fourteen or fifteen last I had seen him. I was now thirty years old. Thing had definitely changed since then. We would both be very different.
    When he was announced, I looked to the doorway of the dining room to see him walk in. His golden hair was thick and fell in waves on top of his head. He was greying at the temples and, when I got a chance to look, in the back of his hair. Yet he was the same handsome Josh. He really hadn't changed much. He had just got older. I was stunned. I had forgotten how good-looking he was.
    He held a bouquet of violets in his hand, and quickly handed them to me. I politely smelled them and then handed them over to the nearest maid, Becky, and asked her to put them in water.
    "Wow, Phoenix, you certainly have grown up," he commented, looking not only at me but the entire dining room. I suddenly realised what it must have looked like when I had first set eyes on the place.
    "People do that, Josh. You certainly don't stay young forever," I told him, sitting back in my chair as our lunch started to be served. I crossed my left leg over my right and turned toward him.
    He blanched. "I'm sorry if I offended you," he quickly apologised. "I didn't mean it in a bad way. Most certainly not. You're even more beautiful now than you were then. And that is saying a lot."
    I forced myself not to give into the urge to roll my eyes. Instead, I smiled. "Thank you, Josh, I appreciate it," I said. I was trying my best not to be rude, but there was something about him that was irritating me. I had yet to pinpoint it.
    "So, all of this is yours? You've certainly gone and got yourself rich, haven't you?" he kidded. I forced a smile. I could easily see where this was going. His interest in my money proved what I had half expected.
    I changed the subject quickly, and we talked while we ate lunch. Then I showed him around the house. When we were settled back down in the north wing's parlour, I finally decided to ask him. I was fed up with him making comments about how rich I had become. "How much do you want, Josh?" I asked. I was no longer hiding my aggravation.
    He pretended to be stunned by my question. "Want? What do you mean? I want nothing from you."
    "You play a good part," I said, crossing my arms over my breasts and crossing my leg over the other. My foot was shaking back and forth irritably. "But don't try to pull an act with me. I won't put up with it. Now ask what you've come to ask. Go ahead. Plead your case."
    "Phoenix," he began, even whining some. "I'm sorry that you think I have come for money. I will be taking my leave now," he growled, standing. I didn't believe him for a second. As he slammed out of my home, I knew he'd be back. He wasn't done. He had yet to ask me for whatever it was that he had come for. I knew that he hadn't just come out of the blue to be friends again. He definitely wanted something. And that something was money. The dollar signs had been showing in his eyes all day. He thought I was still the little fool I had been at fourteen, fifteen years old. But I had news to shock him. I was no longer a little idiot waiting to be screwed over. Again.

Hidden Flame Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

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