"PHOENIX" by Sarah Ryniker

PAGE LAST UPDATED ON 22/03/2002

Phoenix Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

CHAPTER TEN

As I left Melanie's house, I felt nauseated and I was finding it difficult to breathe because the emotional stress was making my asthma act up horribly. It didn't surprise me that he had raped her, and yet knowing that I was the production of that made me sick. The more I thought about it, the sicker I became. Halfway home I had the driver pull over. I got out of the car and vomited on the side of the road. I was a baby of rape? She hadn't expected me, or willingly made me? The thought of my mother being no more than a slut and willingly creating my life, rather than being forced to do it. It hurt to know that she had unwillingly given birth to me.
    Instead of going home, however, I told the driver to take me to the hospital. I seemed to fly down the halls to Mitch's room. He was the only one I trusted, and I needed to talk to someone. I needed to confide in someone my confusion and pain. He would be the only one to understand. He wouldn't sit there and look at me with disgust because I was born from not only incest, but also rape. Or would he? Would he be disgusted with me? I didn't care. I needed to tell somebody what I was feeling or I was going to burst. And I certainly wasn't going to run to Damian. What had happened between us was a one-time mistake that would never happen again. That I was certain about.
    When I entered, he had just finished his own lunch and was shoving it away. When he looked at me, I could tell he saw something was wrong. His eyes darkened and his forehead wrinkled in concern. Yet he didn't ask as I came farther into the room and sat down beside him on the bed. Without a word, the tears just suddenly started flowing, and I began to cry tears of frustration, anger, confusion and hurt. Mitch wrapped his arms around me gently, holding me to him and stroking my hair.
    "Calm down, Phoenix. You have to calm down and then tell me what happened," he whispered directly into my ear. I gasped for air, but finally the tears eased. I still was gasping for air, but at least the tears had stopped.
    As I pulled away and looked at Mitch, his blue eyes urged me, willed me to explain what happened, to just get it off of my chest. I nodded and took the tissue he offered. Finally, I began to describe the night before and what had happened today. "And all I could think about on the way over here is that I'm truly a nobody. I truly am a mistake. My mother made me against her will!" I concluded, the tears threatening to overflow again.
    I could tell by the look on Mitch's face, however, that he must have known something that I didn't know. It stopped the tears from letting loose. Instead, my temper began to flare up. I could feel the fire in me burning its way through my veins.
    "You knew something, didn't you?" I demanded, my eyes holding his, though he tried to look away.
    "I only knew bits and pieces," he replied lamely.
    I shook my head, smiling incredulously. "You knew something and didn't tell me!" I cried.
    "I told you that I wasn't going to be brought into it, Phoenix. What you need and want to know about the past is your search. I can't interfere when it isn't my place!" he threw out in his defence. Though his words were true, I was still angry.
    "I know you didn't want to get involved, Mitch, but the least you could have done was told me a little something of what you knew!" I paused and took a deep breath. Then I calmly asked him, "What do you know, exactly?"
    He was quiet awhile before answering. After I thought the silence would go on forever, he decided to tell me. "I knew Rachael was your mother and had been raped by your father."
    "So you knew all of this time that Mama wasn't really my mother and that your mother really isn't my cousin? They aren't really my family? You knew that and yet you let me believe otherwise, just like everyone else?" I shook my head and stood up. "You claimed to be my friend and yet you have lied to me just like they have." I suddenly felt so alone, so damned alone. Wasn't there anyone I could trust?
    "Look, Phoenix, don't leave. Sit down. Please." He didn't touch me, but his eyes begged me to sit back down and listen to his explanation. Instead I stood right where I was, not sitting down, but not leaving either. After he realised that I wasn't going to sit back down, he sighed loudly and began to explain. "I didn't want to get involved. I didn't want to tell you the truth about these people that you've always thought were your family. My mother loves you just as much as if you were truly her blood, and trust me, you really are Karen's world, even if she is immature at times and doesn't show how much she really loves you. I couldn't take years away from your life just by telling you about Rachael. I let someone else do that."
    I sat back down on the bed slowly. He had done what he had felt was right. And perhaps it was right. After all, my life was now a jumble of confusion. It no longer made any sense to me at all. My whole life had been an entire lie. And though I had been abused, I loved my family. I loved Mama. He knew that and had decided not to take that away from me. I would have found out soon enough, obviously.
    "I don't even want to look at anyone in the house, now," I sighed, my head bent, looking down at the floor.
    "I know what you mean. It has to be difficult for you. But truly, Phoenix, Rachael may have created you against her will, but she certainly didn't want to get rid of you. You were her child, against her will or not. You were born and then taken away from her. She couldn't handle the stress. It's why nobody truly knows what happened to her. She just seemed to disappear. I suggest you stop the search, though. You're really never going to find her."
    I shook my head and looked up at him. "I will find her, Mitch. I have to find her. She needs to know that I am alive and well. I want her in my life. It might kill Mama, but I think I need her. I've always felt connected to her and now it makes more sense. She needs me. She has always needed me. That's why she ran away." It hit me then. My mother wasn't dead. If she was, it happened while she was running away. But she most certainly hadn't killed herself. She had run away from the pain and agony of losing her child and of dealing with her horrendous monster of a father.
    When I left Mitch that evening, I felt a bit better about seeing the people in my family. When I entered the house it was still quiet, so I decided to go sit and the garden to think. Ever since I had arrived, the garden seemed to help me think and calm down. Maybe it was the scent of all of the flowers that relaxed me so much.
    As I sat contemplating the last hours, starting from the night before, I heard a door shut and looked over just in time to see Mama making her way through the garden. She had her arms wrapped around her, as if trying to hold herself together. Her pregnancy was becoming more evident now, but she looked beautiful, not at all fat. She looked so sad in the light of the setting sun. She looked as if her whole world had been torn apart. But then again, it had been torn apart, I thought bitterly. I looked away and stared at my hands in my lap.
    I felt awkward around her and she was standing feet away from me. Not even close enough for a conversation, unless we were yelling over at one another. Just knowing that all of those years she spent raising me and all along she knew I was not her true daughter. I was the daughter of the woman she was so jealous of. The woman her very husband had raped. It made me sad to think about.
    I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't heard her walking up to me. But suddenly two bare feet were in my view. I looked up at her and she smiled the saddest smile I had ever seen on her face. She seemed so aged.
    "You know, I never wanted you to know that Rachael even existed. I didn't want you to know anything about her. And now look." She sat down beside me; her shoulders slumped, looking defeated and miserable.
    "I partially wish that I had never heard of her. I wish that I didn't know now what I didn't know then. You've always been my mother and now," I sighed, "now it's just awkward knowing that you aren't."
    "Oh, but, sweetie, I am your mother. Rachael may have carried you for nine months and birthed you, but I raised you. I helped create what you are today. She didn't. I'm still, and always will be your mother." I looked up at her and saw the tears shining in her eyes. "Sometimes it was so easy to forget that I hadn't carried you and given birth to you. It was so easy to pretend that I remembered being pregnant with you, and remembered your delivery. I was the one sitting for hours in a hospital room when you were a baby, hoping that you'd make it through each sickness without dying on me. I needed you, as strange as it is. I needed you more than I needed my flesh and blood children!" she cried out.
    I threw my arms around her, and the tears began again. Never had a cried so much in a single day! "Oh, Mama, I wish I had never even heard of her. I wish Damian had never come into our lives, and I wish that everything was still the same!" I cried, holding tightly to her.
    "Oh, honey, I wish all of that, too. But there is nothing we can do, really. Things change. I knew that no matter what, you'd find out the truth someday. I couldn't hold it back from the doorway at all times." I pulled away and looked into her eyes. "Sometimes, I expected your father to scream it out at you, just to be mean and nasty to you. I always assured you that he didn't hate you, but Phoenix, he did. You were one of his major mistakes and he hated caring for you. You weren't meant to be born and he hated the fact that I took you in and made you mine."
    It didn't hurt me that my father didn't love me and I told her so. "Mama, that bastard can die and go to hell at this very second and I wouldn't care. I want to know more about Rachael. I hate him for hurting both of you! I don't care if he loves me or not!"
    She nodded. "I may have helped create what you are, but there is no disguising who your real mother is. Anybody who knew Rachael could take one look at you and hear you speak, to know you were hers. You're so much like her. I'm glad, though. I prefer you to be like her rather than him. As much as I hate him, though, I'm going to go back to him. I made my bed now I have to lie in it," she declared, pulling me close to her again. "But don't you worry, you'll forever be safe here, I promise. Ella will permanently take care of you from now on," she promised, rocking me gently.
    I nodded. "Good," I said. "I definitely couldn't stand to go back home now."
    She shook her head and cuddled me close to her. "You are home, Phoenix. This is where you belong. I knew that someday you'd find your way back here. It was your destiny to do so. You really had no choice. I'm glad you have, though I never thought I would be."
    "I just want us to be happy, Mama. Maybe now that I know the truth we can be happy again?" I looked at her hopefully, wanting her to tell me that truly, everything would be just fine.
    She smiled, the light in her eyes brightening. "Oh, yes, Phoenix. Yes. We'll be happy now," she vowed just as the sun finally finished its decent from the sky.

Phoenix Prologue Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten Epilogue

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