BAR JOKES... |
||||||
|
A man walks into a bar and says "Ouch!!"
Two men walk in to a bar.
You'd think the other one would have ducked...
... a termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
Drunk walks into elevator, no elevator there, falls five stories down, lands on the bottom. Lies there a few seconds, slowly opens his eyes, and then says, ``Dammit, I said UP.''
Two hamburgers walk into a bar. They go up to the bartender and say, "We'd like two pizzas with mushrooms." The bartender replies, "I'm sorry we don't serve food."
A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him. So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then. Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"
Guys walking down the street & sees 'Word Bar' sign.
He walks in & sees a woman behind the counter. "What's all this Word Bar stuff"? he asks.
She says "Exactly what it says - we've got Verbs, Prepositions, Hyperbole, Punctuation - whatever you want".
"Ok" says the guy - "gimme an entendre"
"Single or double?" she asks
"Make it a double!"She raises one eyebrow & looks him up & down with a sly grin & says:
"Don't you mean a LARGE one?"
This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the (uncertain-looking) bartender "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour." The (dumbfounded) bartender gasps "That's incredible; I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!" And the guy says "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Polish Joke..."
The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Polish, both bouncers are Polish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down
a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks
the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piana player and says "Do you know your
monkey pissed in my beer." The pianist replies "No, but if you hum
it I'll play it."
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks: "How do you get into those pants?". The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start by buying me a drink...".
his woman is sitting in a bar, wearing some sort of tube top. She has never shaved her armpits in her entire life, so as a result, she has a thick black bush under each arm. Every 20 minutes, she raises her arm up and flags the bartender for another drink. This goes on all night. The other people in the bar see her hairy pits every time she raises her arm. Near the end of the night, this drunk at the end of the bar says to the bartender, "Hey, I'd like to buy the ballerina a drink". The bartender replies, "She's not a ballerina. What makes you think she's a ballerina?" The drunk says, "Any girl that can life her leg that high HAS to be a ballerina!"
A man walks into a bar. Sits down and drinks beer after beer, till at last he runs out of cash. The bartender knows, and refuses him more drinks. After the mans incessant pleading, he agrees to three more, on the house, if he does three things. First he has to knock out the bouncer, a strapping young man. Then he has to pull a bad tooth that belongs to the bulldog in the back, and have sex with the town runaround who is sitting by herself at the end of the bar. "No problem" he replies, and proceeds to the door where he knocks the bouncer out, with one blow! The bartender, amazed, points then to the back. The man nods, and heads off to pull the pooch's tooth. After a second, all that can be heard is the dog barking loudly. "Ruff ruff ruff". Ten minutes later, again. "Ruff ruff ruff". Again, after ten, "Ruff ruff ruff". The bartender begins to worry until he finally sees the man coming around front, a proud look on his face. He grins at the bartender and says, "Ok, nows where's the runaround with the loose tooth?" This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?" The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?" The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five times.......
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
Two guys wandered into a bar. One of the men shouted to the barkeeper,"Hiya, Mike. Set 'em up for me and my pal here." Then he turned to his slightly dim partner and boasted, "This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!" "That's not so great, "responded the friend. "There's a bar across town That'll match you drink for drink, and you can get laid in the back for free." "Where is this place?" the first guy exclaimed. "Oh, I don't know," the dim fellow replied, "but my wife goes there all the time.
A guy comes home three sheets to the wind and all three sheets ripping bad, Budweiser sloshing around in his belly like a keg adrift in a roiling sea. He loop-legs it through the door and is met by his wife, who is scowling, figuring he's been out jumping new bones.
"Where the hell you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new saloon," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden."
"Bullshit! There's no such place!"
Guy says, "Sure there is! Joint's got huge golden doors, a golden floor. Hell, even the urinal's gold!"The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the ext day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her old man's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. The bartender brings his beer, and says " None of my business, mister, but how come you got such a small head?"
The guy sips his beer, and says, " Well, a few years back, I was shipwrecked on a small island. After a couple of weeks of being there, I found this bottle, and when I rubbed it a genie came out. She said ' For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes.' So, being shipwrecked, I wished to be rescued.' A ship is on its way' she says. Next, I wished to be rich.' You will have untold wealth when you return home'. Well, having been on the island alone for awhile, I wished to have sex with the genie. She said, 'I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to do that.' So I says, Well how about giving me a little head?"
A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into then rubbing the roofs of the cars. The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy."What the heck are you doing ?" he asks the drunk.
"I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it." he replies.
"So how does feeling the roof help you ?" asks the puzzled manager. "well," replies the drunk earnestly, "MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!".
Six men who were feeling no pain were staggering down the street about one in the morning. Laughing and singing loudly, they walked up to a two-story home. One of them managed to make it to the door and pounded on the doorbell insistently. A light came on in a upstairs window. The spokesman for the group yelled up, "Is this where Mr. John Smith lives?" "Yes, it is. What do you want?" "Are you Mrs. Smith?" "I am Mrs. Smith. What do you want?" "Could you come down here and pick out Mr. Smith so the rest of us can go home?"
One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
After spending a happy evening drinking together, two
acquaintances promise to meet again in ten years at the same bar,
same time.Ten years later, the first guy walks in, looks arouind, and
sure enough, there is his friend on a bar stool. He clasps the
old friend's hand and cries, "The day we left, I didn't think I'd
really see you here!"The friend looks up, stares, sways slightly and asks, "Who left?"
A man walks into a bar one night and asks for 3 drinks. The bartender asks the man what is wrong, to which the man replied, "My oldest son is a homosexual." So the bartender gives him 3 drinks. A few months later the man walks in and asks the bartender for five drinks. Again the bartender asked the man what was wrong. "My second son is a homosexual." The bartender gives him five drinks, and the man goes on his way. Several months later, he walks in again and asks for ten drinks. The bartender again asks what's wrong. "My youngest son just admitted he's homosexual." To which the bartender replied, "My goodness, isn't there anybody in your family that like women?" "Yeah, my wife does."
Home I About me I Kerala I Trichur I Fun I Misc pages I Exchange Rates I Links I My Guestbook