So....some more bar jokes..
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...An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk
into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
A bloke walks into a pub with a giraffe, orders a
pint of best for the animal, and one for himself. They both drink up, then the giraffe
falls down dead. Mr Bloke puts down his glass and walks out, he's just at the door when
the barman (pointing at the giraffe) calls after him "Oye, you can't leave that lyin'
there....." The bloke says..."It's not a lion, it's a bleedin' giraffe
!!!!!"
... A cowboy comes into a bar wearing only newspapers
Wasn't long before he was arrested for rustling...
...A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a
shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to
gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie
and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk.
In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable
looking knot and lets the ends dangle free. He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer
carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can
come in - just don't start anything."
...This guy walks into a bar and sees this donut
drinking a beer. So he walks up to her and says, "Hey, baby, what's your sign.."
The donut looks at him with disgust and says "I'm a torus, you moron..."
...This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks
at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down..."
...This bear walks into a bar and orders a beer... The bartender
tells him "I don't serve beers to bears in my bar..." The bear, a bit annoyed,
insists on his beer... The bartender says, "Sorry, I don't serve beers to bears in my
bar..." So the bear ups to him and says, "See that woman down there? If you
don't give me my beer, I'm going to eat her..." Once again, the bartender says,
"I DON't SERVE BEER TO BEARS IN MY BAR!" So the bear ups and goes down to the
end of the bar and eats the woman... after which, he sits back on his stool and says,
"See, I told you to give me the beer..." The the bartender says, "Listen, I
DON'T SERVE BEER TO BEARS IN MY BAR... especially when they've been doing drugs..."
"What?," shouts the bear... "Yeah, that was a bar bitch you ate..." (A
high difficulty level when drunk... )
...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting
on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with
her... "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."
...This horse walks into a bar and the bartender says
"Hey, buddy, why the long face...
...These two strings walk upto a bar... The first
string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve
strings in this bar... The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and
orders... The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?" String
says "Yeah." Bartender says, "aren't you a string?" String says,
"No, I'm a frayed not..."
...This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says
"Hey! We have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper replies "Really?
You have a drink named Steve?!"
... This baby seal walks into a bar and the bartender
says, "What'll ya have..." The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...
... This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer
and a mop..."
... This guy goes to a bar every day and orders three shots. This
goes on for years and years. But one day he shows up and only gets two. The bartender get
a little worried and ask if everything is OK. The guy says "Well, every day I drink
three shots. One is for me and the others are for my brothers..." "Well,"
says the bartender, a little concerned, "Did something happen to one of your
brothers?" "The guy says, "Nope. I quit drinking..."
...A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one. The bartender
gives it to him and says "that'll be $25." A minute later making conversation
the bartender says "We don't get many gorillas round these parts" The gorilla
replies "I'm not surprised at those prices.."
...There was a Jew and a Chinese sitting at the bar
drinking. All of a sudden the Jew turns and punches the Chinese in the face knocking him
off his stool, stunned the Chinese gets up and says, "What the hell was that
for?" The Jew replies, "That was for Pearl Harbor." The Chinese says,
"That was the Japanese, I'm Chinese." The Jew says, "well you have black
hair squinted eyes and buckteeth, it's all the same to me." The Chinese says
"Okay" and sits on his stool and continues drinking. About a half hour later the
Chinese turns and punches the Jew in the face knocking him off his stool, the Jew gets up
and says, "What the hell was that for?" The Chinese says "That was for the
Titanic." The Jew replies, "The Titanic? That was an Iceberg." The Chinese
says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Steinberg, it's all the same to me..."
...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man
with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?" he asked. "No." was the
reply. A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of his leg. "I thought you
said your dog doesn't bite!" the man said indignantly. "That's not my dog."
was the answer...
...A drunken guy walks into a bar and puts his money down and
orders a bourbon. Several minutes go by and suddenly the drunken guy leans over and tells
the bartender "hey, theres a gorilla at the other end of the bar." The bartender
replies "that's my pet gorilla, Mable." "I never knew anybody who had a
gorilla for a pet" replied the guy. The bartender then tells the customer "watch
this" and calls out "Mable, get over here." Mable comes over to the
bartender and while standing in front of the bartender, the bartender reaches behind the
bar and grabs a hammer, hits Mable in the head with it. Mable drops to her knees, pulls
down the bartenders zipper, takes out his penis and starts sucking it. The drunken guy is
in total shock and exclaims "I never saw anything like that before." The
bartender then tells the "You want one." The tells the bartender "Ok, but
don't hit me in the hard so hard..."
...A guy walks into a bar and sees a large old dusty
horse in the back corner with a large bucket of money next to it. The guy strolls up to
the bar and asks the bartender what is the deal with the horse and the bucket. "You
go back there, put a dollar in the bucket, tell the horse a joke and try to make it laugh.
As yo can by the full bucket, no one can make it laugh" replies the bar tender.
"Ok" says the man, and he goes back, puts his dollar in the bucket, leans over
to the horse and whispers in it's ear. Well the man hasn't even straightened up the horse
just laughing! the man picks up the bucket and proceeds to walk out of the bar, all the
while the horse just can't contol itsef from laughter. 2 weeks pass and the same man comes
back to the same bar and sees the same horse in the back corner, still with a smile on its
face and again a large bucket of money next to it. The man asks the bar tender "what,
no one else has made the horse laugh??" The bar tender replies "Are you kidding?
We can't get the horse to stop! The new prize goes to anyone that can make the horse stop
laughing." "Great" says the man, and he walks over towards the horse. The
horse, seeing the man coming, starts to chuckle and snicker out loud, trying to again
contain itt's laughter. The man gets himself infront of the horse in a way that no one in
the bar can see him, and the horse just looks saddend and just starts crying. The man
again picks up the bucket and starts to head out of the bar. "Wait a minute"
yells the bartender. "First we couldn't get the horse to laugh, then we couldn't get
it to stop! What did you tell that horse?!" "It was simple" said the man,
"2 weeks ago I told the horse I had a bigger dick than him, and today I showed
him!"
...A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer. "How much will that be?" asks the
neutron. "For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
...On the top of a tall building in a large city, there was a bar.
In this bar, a man was drinking heavily. He would ask the bartender for a tequila shot,
then walk out to the balcony and jump off. Minutes later, he would appear in the elevator
and repeat the whole process. This one guy watched this happen a number of times until
curiousity got the better of him. Finally, he went up to the man and asked, "Hey, you
keep drinking, then jumping off the balcony. And yet, minutes later, you're back again.
How do you do it?" "Well, the shot of tequila provides buoyancy such that when I
get near the ground, I slow down and land gently. It's lots of fun. You should try
it." The guy, who was also quite pissed out of his gourd, thought to himself, Hey,
why not? So he goes to the bar, drinks a shot of tequila, then walks out to the balcony,
jumps off, and whooooooooooooo... SPLAT! The bartender looks over at the first guy and
says, "Man, you're an asshole when you're drunk, Superman..."
...A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm,
puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's
willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender takes the bet and the owner looks
at the dog and asks "what's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain
from coming inside". The dog answers "ROOF". The bartender says "who
are you kidding, I'm not paying". The dogs owner says, "How about double or
nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to
the dog and asks "who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers
"Roof". With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says
"DiMaggio?"...
...Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would
you like a beer?" Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
...So into a bar comes a prostitute. She spots a koala bear sitting
at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home
with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders
towards the door. "HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I
haven't been paid!" Realizing that he is a koala bear and might not understand, she
reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute. She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE
(pros'ti toot) n. A woman who performs services for money. The koala bear looks at her and
then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: KOALA BEAR (ko all e Bare) n. A
furry marsupial. Eats bush and leaves...
...A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder. The
bartender says "you can't bring that in here!" The guy says "Why not? He's
a pet. Plus I'll bet you a drink he can play any instrument in here." The bartender
says "okay, here's a trombone, I'll bet a drink he can't play it." The octopus
picks it up and starts playing a tune. The bartender is a little upset and pulls out a
clarinet and says, "I bet another drink he can't play this." The guy says okay
and the octopus picks up the clarinet and starts playing away on it. By now the bartender
is really upset. He's had to give the guy 2 free drinks already. Then he remembers he has
an old set of bag-pipes in the back. He tells the guy, "I'll bet you one more drink
he can't play something else I have," and throws out the bag-pipes. The octopus takes
one look at the set of bagpipes and starts swarming all over it, pulling on the pipes and
squeezing the bag. The bartender laughs and says, "I guess I win." The guy says,
"just give him a minute. As soon as he realizes he can't fuck it... he'll play
it..."
...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
...A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartenders
says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the
bar tender here?"
...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender
says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you." "Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."
...Baby seal walks into a club...fucking tragedy...
...I guy walks into a bar, "Ouch!" he
said...
...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was
a-salted...
...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
"I'll have a glass of blood," said one. "I'll have a glass of plasma",
said the other. "Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and
one blood lite..."
... chick went into a bar wearing such a tight pair
of pants that the lounge lizard watching her asked her, "Honey, how do you get into
your pants?" She smiled and said, "you can start by ordering me a drink!"
...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, 'I think I've lost
an electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive...'
...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of
cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here." One of the
yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
...A man walks into a bar carrying a battered briefcase and orders
a cold one. The bartender brings him a beer and says, "Hey pal, it's none of my
business, but what do have in the case?" Without saying a word, the man opens the
case and out pops a little man, about a foot high. He runs across the bar, jumps down to
the floor, runs across the room to a piano in the corner, jumps up and begins to play. He
is pounding out wonderful piano music, and people are peeking in from the street to see
who this guy is. Pretty soon the bar is full of people and the bartender is doing better
business than he has in years. "Hey that guy is great," he says to the man with
the case. "Where did you get him?" "I was in Egypt by the Great
Pyramids," the man replies. "It was very hot so I leaned against the pyramid to
rest. The stone block moved and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed the lamp and a genie
appeared and said he would grant just one wish." "That's incredible," said
the bartender, "do you think it is still there?" "Oh, it's still
there," the man said, "but I have to warn you that when you make your wish, be
sure to speak very slowly and clearly and enunciate each word." "Well, it works,
right?" said the bartender. "You got your wish didn't you?" "Tell
me," the man replied wearily, "do you really think I would wish for a
twelve-inch pianist?"
...A guy walks into a bar, approaches the bartender and says;
"I've been working on a top-secret project on molecular genetics for the past five
years and I've just got to talk to someone about it." The bartender says; "Wait
a minute. Before we talk about that, just answer me a few questions...When a deer
defecates, why does it come out like little pellets?" The guy didn't know that. The
bartender then asks, "Why is it that when a dog poops, it lands on the ground and
looks like a coiled rope?" The guy again says, "I don't have any idea." The
bartender then says, "You don't know shit! and you want to talk about molecular
genetics?"
...this guy walks into a bar and spot a fine-looking
honey, so he decides to ask her out. When he does she shouts out at the top of his lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you!!!" Everyone in the bar turns and laughs and points.
The guy turns beet red. The woman looks at him and smiles. "Sorry about that... See
I'm a psychology grad student and I am doing a project about public embarrasment..."
The guy smiles and shouts out "What do you mean 200 dollars..."
A parrot walks into a bar, and asks the bartender,
"Do you have any crackers?" The bartender says, "No, I don't", and the
parrot leaves. The next day, the same parrot walks into the bar and asks the bartender,
"Do you have any crackers?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, I
don't." And the parrot leaves. The next day, the parrot walks into the bar and asks
the bartender, "Do you have any crackers?" The bartender says, "Look. I
told you yesterday and the day before that. I don't have any crackers. I didn't have any
crackers yesterday, I don't have any today, and I'm not going to have any tomorrow."
And the parrot leaves. The next day, the parrot walks into the bar and asks the bartender,
'Do you have any crackers?" The bartender gets very angry. "I don't have any
crackers! If you come in here and ask me again, I'm going to nail your feet to the
bar!!" And the parrot leaves. The next day, the parrot walks into the bar and asks
the bartender, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender says, "No." So,
the parrot then says, "Do you have any crackers?"
...A girl walks into a bar with a duck under her arm: The barman
says " What are you doing in here with that pig?" Girl replies "That's not
a pig it's a duck" Barman "I was talking to the duck!"
...A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He
eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to
go, the bartender shouts, "Hey, Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you
didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a Panda!
Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following
definition for panda:
"A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by
distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
...a man walked into a bar and sat down, ordering a beer. as he
sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!". looking around he
noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
a few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt". at this, the man called the
bartender over.
"hey...i must be losing my mind" he told the bartender.
"i keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but
us."
"it's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"say what?"
"you heard me" said the barkeep. "it's the
peanuts.....they're complimentary."
...A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel on
his dick. He walks up to the barman. The barman looks at him and says, "Hey, did you
know you've got a steering wheel on your dick?", and the man repies, "Yeah, it's
driving me nuts".
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