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The head doctor of Arkham assylum is none other than the enigmatic "Dr.Lightfinger" himself. in a recent interview with the VHC Dr.lightfinger talked about his work in Arkham
Interviewer:- "please tell our readers what the purpose of Arkham is"
Dr.lightfinger" Arkham is a very special place. we take those who have forgotten their civic duty to drunk and disordly in public and rehabilitate them in the publicy acceptable arts of drunkin brawling, shite-talking, and the all important stagger home.
we like to think we have turned people lives around when they were heading towards a meaningfull life of sobriety, and in some cases were close to actually achieving somthing of worth, we stepped in and handed them a vodka bottle and told them "Chug , Chug, Chug!"
at this point Dr.lightfinger demonstrates with a 2 litre bottle of vodka
Dr.lightfinger:- " ahhh, satisfying!"
Interviewer:- " indeed....."
Dr.lightfinger:- "are you making fun of me?"
Interviewer:- " wha..what? no, No i'm not!"
at this point Dr.lightfinger pulls out a shotgun and shoots the interviwer
Dr.lightfinger:- " he wasn't responding to the treatment, had to put him down... who's his replacment?"
Interviewer #2:-"ahh... well... oh dear... ohh! ..tell us what daily life is like in Arkham..."
Dr.lightfinger:- "our daily regiment includes an early wake up call at about 2pm, a fry up to settle the stomach, followed by the swapping of drunken stories from the night before. then at about 4 we have the daily nap to rest yourself, followed by the begining of the daily drinking session.
each patient is given a talior made diet of alcoholic beverages. for example an average case will start of at maybe 21 shots of vodka, and then can work their way up to 3 bottles of vodka a night by the end of their treatment. once they have taken their medication they are deposited exactly one mile form the center and told to walk home.
the area between there and the assylum was minefield during the war of indepandance, but we feel confident that all the mines have been safley disposed of, and should a patient not return home and only the bloody remains of a corpse be found outside... well we blame it on the Secret cult of the eskimo orphans"
Dr lightfinger looks critically at the interviewer..
Dr.lightfinger:- "have you had a drink today?"
Interviewer #2:-" erm...no, not yet... oh god!"
Dr.Lightfinger leaps out of his chair and savages the interviewer, cutting out his heart in the process
Dr.lightfinger:- " hmm no, i thought your heart was defective"
look at it critically for a second more then throws it back at the corpse of the interviewer
Dr.lightfinger:-" here you go... hmm this one seems to be a bit listless.... where's his replacment?"
Interviewer #3:- " omigod im gonna die , i'm gonna die, i'm gonna die.... *ahem* ... how long, does rehabiliatation normally take?"
Dr.lightfinger:-"all in all we feel that after a month or so of intensive treatment the subject is able to re-join normal society."
Interviewer #3:-" erm.. thank you Dr.lightfinger"
Dr.lightfinger:- " the pleasure was all mine"
END
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Dr.lightfinger |
