* Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
* Dogs miss you when you're gone.
* You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
* Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
* Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
* Dogs don't criticize your friends.
* Dogs admit when they're jealous.
* Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
* Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never
laugh at how you throw).
* Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they
know the most important thing is that you're together.
* Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
* No dog ever voted to confirm Clarence Thomas.
* You can train a dog.
* Dogs are easy to buy for.
* Dogs are good with kids.
* Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
* You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
* Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
* The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK. The *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies,
but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that
gives it to you.)
* Dogs understand what no means.
* Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
* Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
* Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
* Dogs do not read at the table.
* Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
* You can house train a dog.
* You can force a dog to take a bath.
* Dogs don't correct your stories.
* Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.
* Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
* Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
* Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
* Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
* Dogs admit it when they're lost.
* Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
* Dogs look at your eyes.
* Dogs like your size.
* Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
* Dogs take care of their own needs.
* Dogs are color blind.
* Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
* Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
* Dogs are nice to your relatives.
* Dogs obsess about you as much as you obsess about them.
* Dogs don't care how you dress.
How Dogs and Men Are
the Same
* Both take up too much space on the bed.
* Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
* Both are threatened by their own kind.
* Both like to chew wood.
* Both mark their territory.
* Both are bad at asking you questions.
* Neither tells you what's bothering them.
* Both tend to smell riper with age.
* The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
* Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
* Neither does any dishes.
* Both fart shamelessly.
* Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
* Both like dominance games.
* Both are suspicious of the postman.
* Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
* Neither understands what you see in cats.
Where Dogs Fall Down
* Men only have two feet that
track in mud.
* Men can buy you presents.
* Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take
them around the block.
* Men are a little bit more subtle.
* Men don't eat turds on the sly.
* Men open their own cans.
* Dogs have dog breath all the time.
* Men can do math stuff.
* Men are strong and like to lift things to prove it.
* Men don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.
* It's fun to dry off a wet man.
* Men can fix the car.
* Holiday Inns accept men.
