Windsong Mastiffs Humor

Mastiff Humor


Sadie, the "Cow Dog", romps in her own private pool. What a life!		Casey says, "Duhhh...which way did he go George?"

The ABC's of Mastiff Whelping Reprinted from an Internet Post
A	Abnormal Birth. The only kind you hear of after you have your bitch in whelp.
B	Box for Whelping. Essential piece of equipment which is used at the onset of labor, but which is later left in order to produce the first pup on your bed.
C	Cardiac Arrest. Not common in whelping bitches, but often seen in owners around 62nd day of bitches gestation.
D	Dog. What you wish you had bought in the first place.
E	Euphemisms. For some reason adopted by breeders. e.g. "Puppies are thriving" means puppies have just eaten next months housekeeping budget in five days.
F	False Alarms. Games played by whelping bitches to keep owners on their toes.
G	Garden. What you had before your puppies.
H	Hand Rearing. Not recommended unless you have eight hands.
I	Imperfections. Your puppies of course, have none.
J	Joy . Despite other comments, puppies bring a lot of it with them.
K	Kennel. That shed in the garden that used to stay empty until you stored tools in it.
L	Long Sleep Ins. What you don't have for a very long time.
M	Milk. You will need a lot of it. Recommend developing friendship with someone in the trade.
N	Next time you'll be more organized!
O	Old Clothes. The only kind you have after rearing puppies.
P	Pedigree. After writing out a five generation pedigree eight times, you will agree there is a lot to be said for mongrels.
Q	Quota. Dictionary defines this word as "finite quantity". Visualize litter of eight - and then number nine arrives.
R	Refurnishing. Takes place after sorting out debris once the last puppy is gone.
S	Stress. Can be bought in cans. Can also be found accompanied by strain in owners.
T	Teeth. Teething puppies are an upholsters dream. See "R".
U	Useful Articles. Scissors, cotton, LARGE WHISKEY.
V	Vet. The chap whose phone number you learn by heart.
W	Weaning. Excellent method for getting the smallest amount of milk,food over the largest area of floors, walls etc. in the shortest time.
X	X-rayed. What your head should have been before you started all this.
Y	Yellow Fever. About the only disease you decide the puppies don't have when they sneeze the first time.
Z	Zigzag Zoom! Puppies do it when you try to catch them to put them back in their kennel.

THE MASTIFF WELCOME
(reprinted from an email forward)

I hear it! I hear the car! HER car! And she's coming this way! Oh, oh, I must run in and grab a gift! I must greet her with a gift! Oh, 'BONK' missed the step. No matter, I must hurry. Move over, doggy door! She's coming, she's coming! Gift, gift, where, what, oh, oh, oh, ah! A plastic bottle she drinks from, right here on top of the container they call trash! Oh, perfect.

She's coming, she's coming! Oh, oh, oh... The door! I hear the door sound that sounds right before she comes in! Oh, it's OPENING! SHE'S HOME! Oh, oh, 'wiggle, wiggle, wiggle' I cannot be still! You're home! And look, look, I have this nice bottle! Oh, oh, you're home! YOU'RE HOME! I have missed you so much, you've been gone hours, weeks, days, years! And so much has happened! A dog ran by and I chewed a tree and Pluto slept under the house and it rained a little! Oh, oh, oh! You're home, you're home! And you're touching me! I can't stand it, it's so marvelous!

Oh, and you're speaking! "Murble, murble, good boy, murble, murble." YES! Your happy voice. Oh, I'm about to burst! I'm so happy, happy, happy! Yes! I want to jump! I'm not supposed to jump, but oh, oh, just a little jump! "Off." Darn.

Oh, I cannot be still. I'll roll over and wiggle on my back! Oh, yes! She's rubbing me-my tummy, my head, my sides! Oh, oh, oh. Now what? Now where's she going? Oh, oh, yes! Back to the room where we sleep at night! Great! It has the big pad we sleep on and 'L-E-A-P' I can get up here close to her. And here she comes! Oh, oh, oh! I can stand on my legs and put my paws around her neck and-uh oh. Can't lick with this bottle in my mouth. But it's my present to her! Oh, oh, what to do? And she's rubbing me! But I want to lick her, oh, oh, I think I'm about to burst! "Off." Oh, darn.

Drop the bottle. Oh, YES! She's coming back! She took off the pieces she puts on her eyes, and I can stand and 'lick, lick' I love you, I love you, I love you, I love 'lick, lick, lick' you taste so good, salty, sweet, I love that stuff you smear on your face every day, I love to lick it off, oh, oh, and you're rubbing me again! My back, my head, my ears, oh, oh 'lick, lick, lick'. "Murble, murble, Mac, good boy, murble, murble." "Off." Darn.

I will lay here and watch her. Watch her peel her fur-it's not very warm fur, I don't think. How does she do that? And I will get that look on my face that always makes her come and rub me. The look where I roll my eyes up, and keep my head flat here and she will come...and she's putting on her play skin! YES! We will play-sometime. My tail cannot be still. I am SO happy, happy, happy. Now she's going in the room with the wonderful water bowl! I LOVE that water bowl-always cool, clean water! She'll be out in just a minute, just a minute, just a.....yes, she's coming! She's here again. Oh, oh, oh....

Now back to the room with the box that has pictures and sounds. Ah, I know what happens now. Yep, she's laying down on the big pad there. Now she'll sleep. But that's okay. She's HOME! SHE'S home. She's home. And she smells tired. So I will lay beside her here and guard her and wait while she sleeps. And when she wakes up she won't smell so tired. And we'll play and play. S-i-g-h. I'll just rest with her now, and smell her while she sleeps. And wait again. For, the next thing that happens, HE'LL be home. And then, oh, oh, zzzzzzzzz........