CHAPTER ONE

CAN SINGLES THANK GOD FOR SEXUALITY?

During the Middle Ages, Christian couples were encouraged to abstain from sex on Thursday out of respect for the Lord's Supper (instituted by Jesus on Maundy Thursday), on Friday for the crucifixion, on Saturday to honor the Virgin Mary, on Sunday for the resurrection, and on Monday in memory of the poor departed souls (with whom by this time they felt very sympathetic). Their slogan, therefore, became "Thank God It's Tuesday."' But for modern Christian single adults, Tuesday never comes. Even medieval marrieds were able to experience and enjoy their sexuality two days a week, but today's singles feel as if they are never given a chance to thank God for their sexuality. That is because the only instruction they have heard from Christian leaders is "Don't!" As a result, Christian single adults often feel that sexual behavior for single Christians is never appropriate. While singles are clearly told what not to do sexually, they are not told what to do on the positive side, and thus the chance to thank God for their sexuality never comes. If you are a single adult, this stress on the negative has probably left you feeling frustrated and resentful about both sexuality and the church. The Bible may seem to you a "thou shalt not" list, church leaders a bunch of prudes, and the single life a prison sentence to solitary confinement. Being a single adult can seem more like a punishment than a blessing when all you ever hear is the negative.

As a single, you may conclude that thanking God for your sexuality is being a hypocrite; after all, you don't feel grateful as an unmarried person. But you can thank God for your sexuality. This book will show you how. It will help you turn a trial into a triumph. James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy... whenever you face trials of many kinds." At last, singles can find in their sexuality a source of pure joy!

If you are not single, this book may clarify a confusion about singles that you have had. It can give you a new focus, so that you can say, "Now I understand why singles struggle so much and why they feel so frustrated. I need to start treating my single friends differently, and learn a positive side so that I can stress the good rather than just the bad." No matter what your marital status, there is a positive side to single sexuality that is important to learn.

THE PROBLEM OF SEXUALITY

Sexuality is a major problem for single adults, but it seldom shows up very high on surveys of singles' needs (except anonymous surveys), because most singles are embarrassed to admit they have sexual desires and conflicts. Many cannot even admit this to themselves. Sexuality is a taboo subject, especially in Christian circles. Many parents are unwilling or unsure how to present sexuality to their children. They may simplify or try to downplay their child's sexual identity; even pastors may do this (read "A Single Speaks"). Yet all of us, as human beings, must deal with sexual feelings.

A SINGLE SPEAKS

In many ways, the history of my sexual development was typical. Unfortunately, it laid the foundation for the problems that occurred later in my life.

I was the oldest of four children, born into a pastor's family. My father was very strict, and my mother was very supportive of my father. There was very little nurturing that I remember as a child. There certainly was no discussion of sex at all.

My sex education consisted of what I learned in health classes in school, in the locker room with the 'boys'--.. I wish [my father] would have helped me to understand my sexuality, how to treat girls, how to deal with my feelings during adolescence. Even though I was a virgin on my wedding night as far as actual intercourse was concerned, I certainly was not a virgin, since I had experienced lots of fondling and oral sex.

From the time of late high school and all during college, I had many girl friends. Too many of the relationships resulted in what one might call heavy petting. There were many times when our hands certainly did not remain outside our clothes.... I see now that I really didn't respect myself or the girls I dated. Even the woman who became my wife was not treated with the respect she deserved. There were many times when we would bring each other to orgasm.

I think to a great extent I carried a lot of guilt and shame regarding sex and sexuality into marriage. As a result, my wife and I never discussed our sexuality. Our love-making became routine, and our marriage soon lacked the true intimacy that a healthy sexual relationship should have. My anger over being 'forced' to have a vasectomy and her unwillingness to have any more children, along with the need for intimacy, laid the foundation for the affairs that later occurred in my life. As a result, my wife and I have now been estranged for five years, and as I write, I am in the process of filling out divorce papers.

I am not saying that if I had a healthier attitude toward sex and my own sexuality that what happened wouldn't have happened, but I really do feel that I would not be experiencing the regrets I am today.

One thing I have done, partially I think to redeem myself if that is possible, is to develop a much more open relationship with my son. When he was twelve, he and I went on a weekend away and had a good discussion about his sexuality. In the intervening years, we have maintained a good relationship and have been able to share a great deal together. It is one very good spot in my life, and I hope in his.

I don't know if I will ever again be in a caring, sexual relationship. Part of me feels that I do not deserve to be, especially after what I have done. However, this recent class, your lecture, and some self discovery, has done a lot that has helped to begin a healing in my life. I hope and pray that some day God will grant me the experience of a truly joyful, positive, and God-pleasing sexual relationship."

The man's story in "A Single Speaks" is like that of thousands of singles, many of whom share his secret desire to be taught about sexuality in a positive, open way. Unfortunately, very few families and churches are comfortable talking and teaching about this subject. When was the last time you heard a sermon in church on single sexuality? If you are one of the few who have ever heard one, the main point probably was: sex for singles is wrong and is to be avoided at all costs. The usual refrain sounds something like this, "It won't be easy, but that's God's command for single adults."

To be fair, today's preachers and writers are not that blunt and insensitive to singles anymore. Some will not say command anymore, believing it sounds too authoritarian. Instead, the current terminology suggests that God has some principles for successful single living, some moral guidelines that, when followed, bring singles fulfillment and holiness. Yes, they still are commands and cannot be ignored, but they must be presented with compassion and positive reasons why. However, even when they are called principles and guidelines they are like glazed donuts for the person who must eat--underneath the sugar- glaze covering is the same old command. The coating just makes it a little easier to swallow.

According to such teaching, God's message to singles is a simple no, without any accompanying positive reasoning for it. As one single man put it, "I can tell you what the church's whole theology of single sexuality is in one simple word--'Don't!"

I remember clearly my own feelings as a single adult (I was single until age thirty) after hearing references in sermons about single sexuality. The aftertaste was kind of bitter. The married man or woman preaching the sermon made sense, but it made me a bit angry that he or she could go home that night and be sexually active. Many times I heard singles remark, "Well, it's easy for him [or her] to say!" And even worse, nothing positive was mentioned about being sexual as a single person. I remember struggling with this for years, thinking that there was a huge, gaping hole in the whole theology of single sexuality I often thought, I know what God doesn't want me to do, but what does He want me to do? There must be a positive side to single sexuality.

GOD IS NOT AFRAID TO TELL US WHY

Many couples have told me that the only instruction they were given as to why they should abstain before marriage was simply, "The Bible says that it is wrong." Of course, that is a good reason--a very good reason. But singles are adults, not children, and they desire sufficient explanations to be given along with caring instructions. Singles are not satisfied with "I told you so"; they want to know why they should remain celibate until the wedding night, and they search for adult answers.

Don't get me wrong here--I'm not against obedience, and neither are singles who desire to live out their Christianity. However, the "obedience only" approach does not help many singles handle their sexuality well. In conversations with hundreds of singles, I have discovered that Christian singles want to be obedient to God, but they are also searching for a deeper reason to be temporarily celibate than mere obedience. It's not that obedience is wrong; it Just needs to be buttressed by reasons why one should obey. It's OK for parents to say, "Because I said so," to a young child; but when that child becomes a teen and then finally an adult, "Because I said so" is insufficient. For those who are still virgins, a positive approach can be quite a help. Jaclyn, a twenty-two-year-old virgin, wrote, "I never had the problem of going too far with a guy, because I refused to put myself in a situation where I would. It usually meant that relationships fizzled out quickly, and as much as that hurt, I knew that if I would have started any type of sexual activity, each time we would have gone just a little bit farther. That type of intimacy in a relationship really frightened me too. I was always afraid of getting pregnant or a sexually transmitted disease. Fear was a good motivation to remain abstinent.

It seems, however, that the older I get, the more I want that intimacy with a man. Not so much sex, but intimacy. A part of me wants immediate gratification; the other part of me knows the value of purity. I also know that once any amount of sexual activity begins and limits are set, they can always be (and probably will be) broken."

Jaclyn then described the fresh perspective she found in my statement "Purity is directly related to personal worth." She wrote:

"I never realized that because I have remained sexually pure, I am of personal value. Taking it a step further, because I'm of value personally, I look at myself as being more valuable in God's eyes as well."

Celibacy is a way of protecting and asserting (her) worth is my favorite statement. "By not giving into sexual desires when I'm involved with someone (which is getting more and more difficult), I realized I was telling my partner, myself, and God that I'm worth more than a cheap thrill or momentary gratification."

Jaclyn discovered what, I believe, God wants every person, whether married or single, to learn about sexuality. God doesn't just want to give us the miles and force us to obey mindlessly. He does not desire that we remain infants, but He truly wants us to grow into spiritual adulthood. That's why His commands make sense. There are always reasons behind His injunctions; for every command, there is a corresponding rationale. God is not afraid to treat us as adults. There is a sufficient answer to the "Why wait?" question.

Christian singles deeply need this positive why behind God's instructions on single sexuality. If you are single, only a clear and convincing positive why will give you the needed strength to resolve to remain temporarily celibate. Without this positive why, you may not have the willpower to withstand the temptations of our sexually super-charged society. Willpower alone doesn't seem to be an adequate motivation to avoid premarital sex.

Furthermore, if you're a youth pastor or parent, you need a new approach to help teens and college students have positive reasons to remain celibate until marriage. If you are in such a leadership position, you have a unique opportunity--you can help kids learn this early in their lives, before they devalue themselves sexually. How wonderful it would be if youth could learn at an early stage the positive reason to wait until marriage.

Visit any Christian store that sells books on sexuality that are against pre-marital sexual activity. You will find the books are of high quality, biblically correct, and largely negative when it comes to single sexuality. As an unmarried person, you probably will feel strangely unsatisfied. The reason may be the approach. Most authors will give one of three warnings against premarital sex:

1. "Don't, because God says " no." If you obey, He will bless you someday" (this is the approach that emphasizes God's rules, principles, and guidelines for Christian living);
2. "Don't, because it will hurt you later after you are married" (the divorce rate is higher, the marital satisfaction is lower, etc.); or
3. "Don't, because of the risk of AIDS and other sexual diseases." For instance, Kay Kuzma, in her book When You're Serious About Love: Straight talk to Single Adults, lists twenty reasons why premarital sex is wrong--all of them negative (pp. 120-33). Paul Reiser, M.D., in the Focus on the Family booklet Sex and Singles: Reasons to Wait, stresses the medical and pregnancy dangers that one risks with premarital sex. Dick Purnell, in a chapter called "Say Yes and Be Sorry" from his book Becoming a Friend and a Lover, lists twenty-three negative consequences to sex before marriage.

Of course, all of these are helpful books, and the dangers they identify are real. My point is simply that singles need more than dangers and fear to motivate them; they need the positive side, of single sexuality.

NEEDED: A POSITIVE APPROACH TO SINGLE SEXUALITY

All of these approaches are based on truth, yet they need supplementation because they motivate from a negative position of law, fear, or guilt. They are unable to say more, because they lack a positive theology for single sexuality. Further-more, singles today--indeed all adults in our modern culture--have difficulty living totally in the future. "What if I never get married?" singles ask. "What about the present? What does God want me to do with my sexuality now that would be positive?"

Christian leaders would like to believe that singles in their churches are not sexually active, but the truth is that many singles are (as the statistics in chapter 5 will show). If you are a church leader, just ask some singles--they will tell you that there's a lot of fooling around going on (of course, there is a lot of that among the marrieds too, unfortunately). Then ask the singles how they feel about their sexuality. Most Christian singles will admit they feel guilty, confused, and hypocritical. It matters not whether they are sexually active or celibate; even those singles who are not sexually active feel guilty, confused, and hypocritical because of their strong desires. They aren't doing it, but they would like to, which is why they don't feel fulfilled either. Without a positive reason to abstain, the celibate life is extremely difficult for singles. It seems contrary to our natural inclinations. To live as a celibate adult seems to violate our biological design and oppose our bodies' desires. For most single adults, being unable to express our sexuality in a fully physical way is as difficult as putting a harness on our hormones. A positive reason for single sexuality can help enormously.

GOD'S SURPRISE FOR SINGLES

It is my hope and prayer that a new, positive approach to single Christian sexuality will fill an empty hole in the lives of almost eighty million single adults in the United States, many of whom are looking for answers. Whether divorced, bereaved, engaged, or just looking for quality friendships, a positive approach to single sexuality will enrich life. Although this approach will be most easily accessible to Christians, it also will help non-Christians and may even provide a reason for nonbelievers to be temporarily celibate besides the fear of AIDS or pregnancy.

God has a surprising "yes" that speaks to Christian singles. By approaching single sexuality in terms of value, whole new dimensions of meaning and fulfillment are open to singles.

CHAPTER TWO

THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!

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