CHAPTER TWO

HOW MUCH ARE SINGLES WORTH SEXUALLY?

THE SIX HUNDRED DOLLAR TABLE

A middle-aged woman named Pearl had owned an antique store for several years. Her showroom included a special antique table that had been there a long time. Because Pearl needed more room and wanted to move some merchandise around, she decided to sell the table at a discount. The price tag was marked $500. She crossed out the $500 with her marking pen and wrote, "Sale $400."

Later that day a man came in and saw the table with the price marked down. After introducing himself as Ted, he tried to bargain with her, saying, "I'll tell you what, I'll buy that table for $300."

Pearl responded, "$300! Oh, no. It's worth a lot more than that. This table is worth more than $1,000. You would be getting a truly great deal for only $400."

"But it's got scratches on it!" Ted replied.
"It's an antique. Antiques have had a lot of use."
"But I'll have to refinish it when I get home," he countered.
"It's made of solid oak. They don't make tables like this anymore," she said, making a good point.

Back and forth they went. He kept trying to convince her to lower the price, and she kept giving reasons why it was worth more.

Finally Ted said, "You know, I'd buy this table if you would just change the price."

With a grin, Pearl said, "Well, OK. Talking to you has convinced me that I should change the price after all." She took her marking pen, crossed out the $400 price, and wrote above it, "$600."

Ted was shocked. "Hold it, you can't do that," he screamed.

"What do you mean I can't do that? I own this table. I can sell it for any price I want."

"But you had it marked for $400.

"Yes, but talking to you has helped me see the real value of this table. Our discussion has reminded me how special this table is and that it is worth much more than $400.1 I realized that if I sold it for $400, I would be cheating myself--I'd actually be getting less than I deserved. Someday someone will realize how valuable it is. If not, I'll still own a great table. So thanks for reminding me how valuable this table is."

Ted thought for a moment and then said, "OK, you win. I can see you are quite a saleswoman. I'll tell you what. I'll buy this table for $400.1

"Oh, no, you won't," Pearl said firmly. "It's not for sale for $400. I will take nothing less than $600 for this table, and that is still a great bargain on a wonderfully special table."

Once again Ted became angry. He sulked and complained as he walked around the store. But eventually he bought that antique table for $600.

A BARGAIN TABLE GETS BARGAIN TREATMENT

The "Six Hundred Dollar Table" is one of my favorite true stories, told to me by a single woman whose name really was Pearl. It has become one of the most useful tools in counseling single adults that I have ever discovered. In vivid terms, the $600 table story illustrates just what happens in human relationships.

Singles quickly understand that the way the table gets treated depends on the price it is sold for--and they make the connection that the treatment they receive in relationships depends on the value they place on themselves. For instance, consider if Ted had paid only $300. After he had owned the table two weeks, one of his children places a glass of water on the table, leaving a ring. What's his reaction? Oh, no big deal, he thinks. It's not a very expensive table. It doesn't have a very good finish anyway. But if Ted had paid $600 for the table, he will snatch the glass immediately from the child's hand and say, "Don't put the glass on the table without using a coaster! This is a valuable table--I paid $600 for it. Treat it well."

HOW MUCH ARE SINGLES WORTH SEXUALLY?

The same is true in relationships. The kind of treatment we receive is directly related to how cheaply we sell ourselves or what kind of treatment we hold out for. If we allow ourselves to be treated poorly we will receive poor treatment. If we hold out for better treatment, we will eventually receive it.

Sharon (not her real name) was a lovely single woman who was tired of dating--and even worse, marrying--men that she called "losers." It became clear to me that Sharon longed to find a man who would treat her well, but she saw no connection between the way she was treated and the way she allowed herself to be treated. After listening for a while, I leaned forward in my chair and said, "Do you mind if I share with you one of my favorite stories?"

Sharon brightened up and said, "Go ahead."

So I began, "Let me tell you the story of the 'Six Hundred Dollar Table."

Sharon enjoyed the story, and the discussion that followed. I asked her, "If the saleswoman had decided to accept the $300 offer from the man, would she have ever received $600 for the table?"

Sharon, slightly confused, thought for a moment and eventually said, "Well, no, of course she wouldn't. Once she sold it for $300, it would be gone; so she couldn't get more later."

As she immediately realized for herself, the same is true in any relationship between two people. Once we sell our goods for a certain price, we will never know if someone might later have offered more.

As another way of illustrating this point, I asked Sharon to imagine that she found a great deal and bought a home for $100,000 cash. "If you then decided to sell that house for $100,000, and someone came along who wanted to buy it but only offered $1,000, would you accept that offer?"

"Of course not," she replied.
"How about an offer of $5,000?
"No."
"How about $25,000? How about $50,000 or $80,000?
"We're getting closer, but still no sale."
"You wouldn't sell for $80,000? Why not?" I said.

"You're getting warmer," Sharon said, "but I still would hold out for the full price. After all, I paid good money for it! Sooner or later, someone will want that house for the full price; if not, I'm better off keeping it than taking less than it's worth."

"Sharon," I cautiously suggested, "it's fascinating to me that we treat our physical possessions better than we treat ourselves. We will wait for the full price of what a car, a house, or a condo is worth, because we know how valuable that item is. But when it comes to our own self-worth, we seem to be unsure of our own value and give ourselves away at a much cheaper rate. We sell ourselves at discount prices and receive much less than we are worth."

That's the first point of the $600 table story. If we sell ourselves cheaply, we will not be treated in accordance with our full value. Pearl couldn't go back to Ted later and say, "I realize that the antique table was worth more. Pay me another $300." Ted would laugh and say, "Forget it! We made a deal. The table is mine."

Sometimes in relationships we try to do the same thing. After selling ourselves cheaply in the beginning, we realize that we are worth more; so we bring up the sensitive topic of discussion--"You know, I would like you to treat me better than you have been."

But seldom do such appeals or requests work. After all, that would be changing the terms of the contract. And after a man or a woman has been able to use something cheaply for a while, he or she will naturally be hesitant to pay more for the same product or service. The point is clear: Once we give ourselves away cheaply, we will not experience the treatment that is equal to what we are worth.

WHAT KIND OF TREATMENT DO YOU WANT?

My favorite part of the discussion about the $600 table, though, occurs after the second question: "When Ted bought that antique table for $600 and brought it home later that night, do you think he treated it like a $300 table or a $600 table?"

At this Sharon smiled, leaned back in her chair, and said, "Oh, now I see where you are going with this story. I'll bet he treated it like a $600 table. Right?"

Before answering, I further questioned, "But how do you think he would have treated it if he had only paid $300?"

"He would've treated it like a $300 table," Sharon answered. Finally we had arrived at the crucial point of the illustration. "But what's the difference?" I asked, "It's the same table; yet in one instance it's treated like it's worth only $300, the other instance like it's worth $600?"

The answer was clear for Sharon, as it has been to thousands of singles who have heard this true story--it's not the value the man placed on the table that mattered most. Instead, it's the worth the saleswoman put on the table, and held out for, that determined how the man would treat the table.

After I tell that story, many single adults realize that it is their view of themselves that determines how others will treat them. At this point, I simply ask, "Now tell me, if you were a table, how much would you be worth? Would you be a $300 table, a $400 table, a $500 table, or a $600 table?"

Some say, "I feel like a $10 table. I have given myself away so cheaply and have been treated so poorly that I feel worthless." Others say, "I guess about $300. I'm not going to end up in a thrift store, but I will never receive full price either. I will never be treated like I would like to be." Still others say, "I'm a $600 table, and I have been waiting a long time for someone to discover and treat me like that."

When I asked Sharon to put a price on her table, she laughed a sort of sad laugh and said her table was worth about 500. It was a painful, poignant moment for both of us.

Then I asked: "Sharon, do you know what kind of a table God thinks you are? Do you know how valuable you are in God's sight?"

Sharon thought for a minute and hesitatingly said, "Well, you're probably going to say that in God's eyes, I'm a $600 table."

"Oh, no," I replied, "God thinks you are worth much more than that. The Bible says God so loved the world--that means you-that He gave His one and only Son. That means in God's eyes, you are worth so much that He gave Jesus, His only child, for you. God loves you so much that we can't put a monetary value on it, but in a metaphorical way we can say you are not a $600 table--you are a million dollar table!"

SETTING THE PRICE TAGS

As the story of the $600 table clearly illustrates, the treatment we receive as individuals is directly related to the value we place upon ourselves. People will not naturally treat us poorly because they view us as cheap. The big surprise is that often the way others treat us is a product of our own choosing. We ourselves select the type of treatment we will continue to receive from others. If we do not value ourselves, we probably will allow others to treat us poorly. On the other hand, if we truly value ourselves, we will not settle for poor treatment. In many instances, the prices that others have paid for us were not set by others--we filled in the price tags ourselves.

This has enormous implications for single sexuality. If we want to be treated as valuable sexually, we have to first believe that we are valuable sexually. Conversely, if we are treated poorly sexually, it may be because we do not view ourselves as physically valuable. The way we are treated will often follow from the way we view ourselves.

Unfortunately, our culture has this completely backwards. Movies, TV shows, and probably your friends teach that you are valuable sexually only if you can find someone who will treat you as valuable. Thus, if we can find such a person, it proves that we are of special worth. If we cannot find anyone like that, we conclude that we can't be very valuable after all.

Contrary to the prevailing message of our culture that free sex will make us feel good, it actually causes us to feel bad about ourselves. What's worse, the feelings of regret sometimes last a lifetime and can actually inhibit sexual enjoyment later in marriage. Read one man's story in "A Single Speaks." Though it may seem extreme, the sad news is that it's probably close to the norm today, for pressure for sexual involvement often begins even prior to high school. Indeed, many young people today have their first sexual experience in grade school. That, too, can cause us to devalue something of great value, our sexual being.

A SINGLE SPEAKS

Aside from playing doctor as a child, my first sexual experience was in sixth grade with a girl who sat next to me in class. We played little ,sex dare' games by grabbing each other underneath the desk we shared. We decided we were 'too cool' to remain virgins. So we met after school and climbed over a wall into a secluded place. We took off our pants, and I had an erection. I was scared and excited. We didn't really know how to have sex. I touched her breasts (which looked about the same as mine), and then we touched genitals. We decided that we had "done it" and were no longer virgins. I ran home and did not tell anyone. Then I discovered my father's porno-box of books and magazines, and I masturbated frequently from that time on. I did not like my father's pornography because it was sado-masochistic; I had to sift through it to find the parts that I liked...

I dated and necked but never had sex or oral sex until I was 17 and dating the girl who would eventually become my wife. Our relationship progressed and we were 'in love.' We necked, petted, and within three months were having oral sex. About four to six months later, we actually had sexual intercourse... we broke up after one year and six months.

During the last months of our relationship, I had sex with two other girls and oral sex with another. I knew my relationship with God and my girlfriend were very bad, and I decided to change. Two weeks after rededicating my life to God, my girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated when we broke up because I really loved this girl.

I hurt deeper because of the intensity of the sexual relationship. I felt like part of my soul had been ripped out. I was in my second year of college, and I had not gotten another girlfriend. I was trying to change my ways, but I found it much more difficult to avoid sexual relationships after having been in one. I had sex with two girls during this time--one-time deals. I called it 'friendship sex' since neither of us had any intentions of a relationship beyond friendship. I struggled with this. I knew I was a huge flirt, but these girls were very aggressive. I felt seduced, although willingly.

I then changed my circle of friends and made the changes necessary to not put myself in sexual situations. I dated a girl in my junior year of college whom I thought I loved. We were not the right match, but we tried. About three months into the relationship, she pressured me to have sex with her. She told me that sex and love went together, and that if I really loved her I would make love to her, so I decided I wanted to do that. Our relationship changed after that. Sex became the intimacy, and the real relationship faded out. After nine months, we broke up...

[After three years of dating various women,] I began dating my first girlfriend again. We had both changed, and our commitment to God was real. Now we are married, and I have regrets:

1. the influence of pornography on my thoughts and sexual desires, and
2. my past sexual partners, who were not my wife, that I sometimes think about."

A MILLION DOLLAR WOMAN WHO ACCEPTED A FIFTY DOLLAR TREATMENT

Donna is an example of a woman who looked to others to provide her with an assessment of her worth. Donna matured early physically and had plenty of attention from boys, especially older boys. As a freshman in high school, she dated a popular senior. How special she felt. He wasn't perfect, but he was certainly better than she had hoped for. When she was with him, she felt like a queen. Actually, that feeling was more the result of her fantasy than the way he treated her, because he wasn't mature enough to treat her really well, as she would later realize. Yet he was her first boyfriend, and that was enough.

It was a real boost to her ego to be the only freshman at the Senior Ball, but she quickly realized there was a price to be paid for her Popularity. She discovered that she was not popular with everybody. The senior girls treated her like a pariah. The other senior boys weren't genuinely friendly either. Her popularity was limited to the one boy she dated and the other freshman girls who looked on her with awe.

But there was a price to be paid even for those friends. The boy had to be indulged not only socially but also sexually--he basically called the shots and Donna went along for the ride. He wasn't interested in what she wanted to do or who she was deep inside. Her dating life looked exciting on the outside, but from the inside it was empty and superficial. In spite of this, she still felt special. Although the focus in their sexual relationship was on him, she felt wanted. After all, he was her first partner, and she naively assumed that she was also his first (she was too embarrassed to ask).

Her friendships with the other freshman girls weren't much better. Her whole status was built on her relationship with her boyfriend, so she felt unable to share her real feelings of frustration and isolation with her friends. If they really knew that her claim to fame wasn't that great after all, she wondered if they would like her anymore. So she was silent and kept her pain inside, although on the outside she "had it all."

As a sophomore in high school, Donna was introduced to a college crowd, so her dates and steady boyfriends were almost exclusively college men. Of course, this further separated her from her high school friends, and gradually her life became more and more removed from her own high school. Naturally, her college boyfriends looked down on her few remaining high school friends, and eventually on Donna for still being in high school. With little in common, Donna and her college men didn't talk about much. Instead, they kissed a lot, necked for hours, and experimented with the joys (?) promised by the sexual revolution.

In time, Donna realized she no longer felt special. Even though she knew she was pretty and sexually attractive, she began to feel more and more worthless. As she said, "I was really confused at that time in my life. The men treated me very special before asking me out and also at the beginning of a date, but I didn't feel very special at the end. It wasn't that they treated me poorly. I had great dates who showed me lots of attention and spent lots of money. I think it was that I was sexually involved with so many of them. After a while, I just felt cheap."

Yet Donna didn't consider herself a loose girl. After all, she had certain standards and wouldn't sleep with just anyone. She wasn't a prostitute; she didn't do drugs; she wasn't into kinky things. Yet she was deeply unhappy and confused. If men thought she was special, why didn't she feel special anymore?

This feeling of worthlessness became even stronger in college. Night after night, Donna would attend a party or go out on a date, but the next morning would feel strangely numb, as if a dentist had injected her whole body--maybe her soul--with Novocain. She had several steady boyfriends during this time, but the gnawing feelings of worthlessness persisted.

In her senior year, she began to think that maybe her feelings of worthlessness could be solved by getting married. If she could be married and build a family with just one man, then she would feel special again. Eventually, her boyfriend Jerry asked her to marry him, and she eagerly accepted. Both of them were thrilled. Donna would finally have the stability she longed for and would start to feel valuable again. Jerry could not believe his good luck. Donna was the most beautiful woman he had ever dated, and the idea of marrying her was beyond his wildest dreams.

With their parents' approval, they married soon after graduation. They both found good jobs, established a comfortable home, and eventually grew to love each other with a more mature, lasting love. However, Donna was unable to shake her feelings of worthlessness. In spite of the fact that she was now happily married, socially respectable, and financially stable, she felt that gnawing sense of worthlessness. "What's wrong with me?" she asked herself?

Jerry also became frustrated. Try as he might, he could not convince her that he really loved her, that she was extremely valuable in his sight. In time, he started doubting himself, thinking that part of the problem was that he was not a good husband. But he also knew that the fault was partly Donna's. It was almost as if she wanted to be loved above all else but was unable to let anyone love her. Many times Jerry asked himself, "What's wrong?"

THE ROOT PROBLEM

Donna's problem was deep and complex. Some may say that Donna's problem was in her expectations. Really, they say, "An individual is not that special after all. We are just a higher form of animal life that longs for transcendence but can never find it." As the popular saying goes, "Live for today, because tomorrow you die." If there really is no God and no afterlife, there also is no way to escape from the desperate sense of meaningless and worthlessness inherent in being a finite human. Yet Donna knew people who did feel a sense of transcendence, who did feel special and valuable. "If life is truly without value or meaning, wouldn't it be so for everyone?" she wondered.

Others will claim that Donna's problem was simply lack of self- esteem, and they are partly right. Donna did not feel very valuable. Some would suggest that she should enter therapy. Maybe she should read some self-help books and begin to think positively. Like The Little Engine That Could, maybe she should repeat to herself, in mantra-like fashion, "I think I'm special, I think I'm special, I think I'm special." Such self-help approaches miss the heart of the problem--the root of her lack of self-esteem, indeed the root of much of the lack of self-esteem in our contemporary culture.

My contention is that many feelings of low self-esteem and worthlessness have their root in a physical/sexual dimension. Obviously, our physical and emotional selves are intimately connected, so it should be no surprise that how we allow ourselves to be valued physically will influence how we appraise ourselves emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

This is a hard concept, but here's a simple illustration that shows how we value ourselves will affect how we allow ourselves to be treated. Let's look again at the $600 table to gain new insight into the root cause of Donna's problem.

Donna gave herself away sexually (cheaply) for years. She was treated like a $50 table. Over and over, she would settle for a price much beneath her real worth, until finally she came to believe that the low price was her real worth. Because others viewed her as a $50 table, and she went along with their appraisal, she finally came to believe that she didn't have much worth.

Later, when her husband, who thought she was a $1,000 table, tried to treat her like someone especially valuable, she had a hard time accepting that. Donna had allowed herself to be treated cheaply for so long that the conclusion that she was indeed cheap burned itself into her mind, even into her very soul. She was like a computer screen that is left on too long--the image burns itself into a permanent image on the screen, so that even if other programs are called up, the burned-in image still faintly shows through all other images. For Donna, that image had distorted all future images by its lingering presence.

Like Donna, many single adults have looked to others to set the price for their own sexuality, and in the process they have burned into their souls an appraisal that is far below their real value. Their thinking goes like this: If others treat me as though I'm valuable, then I must be. But if others treat me cheaply, then it must really prove that I'm not valuable after all.

Who taught us that we should base our feelings of personal worth upon how others treat us? Our relationships, like Donna's, mirror what we already think about ourselves. We have each set our own price tags. The sexual revolution simply "gave permission" to those already vulnerable to sexual involvement. In the next chapter, we will consider the destructiveness of the sexual revolution to those who have difficulty feeling worthy.

CHAPTER THREE

THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!

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