THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!
Part 1: Why Did God Make Me This Way?
1. Can Singles Thank God for
Sexuality?
2. How Much Are Singles Worth
Sexually?
3. Why Do Singles Sometimes Feel
Worthless?
4. God's Surprising Answer: The
Value of Single Sexuality
Part 2: Why Does God Leave My Sex Switches On?
5. Does Sex Guarantee intimacy?
6. Why Did God Make Us Male and
Female?
7. What Is the Hidden Purpose
Behind Single Sexuality?
8. How Can I Handle Temptation?
Part 3: How Far Is Too Far?
9. Should Sexual Intimacy
Increase with Commitment?
10. Should Singles Feel Compelled
to Be Sexually Intimate?
11. How Full Is Your Moral Bank
Account?
12. What About Living Together
Before Marriage?
Part 4: Tough Questions and Value-Filled Answers
13. Intimacy, Gender, and
Commitments
14. Incompatibility,
Attractiveness, and Single Parenting
15. Masturbation, Fantasies, and
Lust
"I came from one of those backgrounds where nothing sexual was ever explained clearly," Jeff told me, "but somehow or another I was supposed to know what was right and what was wrong. Even as a devoted Christian, I didn't always do what was right in God's eyes because I had nothing but don'ts to go on. I wish this positive message could have reached my ears twenty-five years earlier."
Jeff is not alone. Most single adults want a positive approach to their sexuality. They need it in order to understand themselves better and to be able to make healthy decisions regarding their sexual behavior. They hear the "Thou shalt nots" and wonder why. But others need a positive, biblical approach to single sexuality too. Children and teens need it in order to feel positively about their sexuality and have a positive reason to limit their sexual activity. Parents of children and teens need it in order to know how to talk to their kids about sex and how to set appropriate boundaries. Church pastors, leaders, and teachers need it to be able to understand why God gave the guidelines He did in the Bible, so they will be able to say more than just, "Don't do it because God says so." Married people need it in order to understand the struggles their single friends face and to be able to support them better.
Whatever your station in life--whether church leader or layperson, adult or teen, believer or doubter, single or married--sexuality is a gift from God intended by Him to protect and assert your deep value. That is the heart of this message. That truth should be embraced by singles, who often find their status one in which they (or those they know) conclude they are worth less than married adults and devalued physically. And for the majority of Christian single adults who have heard only "Don't" for many years, this biblical perspective will help bring the resolution and strength for a commitment to celibacy that many have longed for.
Pure joy! is designed to help the millions of singles who, like Jeff, need more than don'ts--they need a positive approach to single sexuality.
The book is divided into four parts: Part one presents the positive side of single sexuality; part two deals with the reason God keeps our sexual switches on; part three answers that bottom-line question, "How far is too far?" and presents a completely new ethical guideline for single sexual behaviors; part four gives answers to the really tough questions that singles ask about such topics as fantasies, lust, masturbation, and sexual incompatibility.
Together, they offer a completely new approach to the theology of sexuality and its application to single sexuality. At the end of each chapter are discussion questions designed to help singles talk through these important issues.
By the very nature of the subject, Pure joy! will deal with issues, events, words, and even bodily parts and functions that don't usually find their way into genteel speech and Christian conversations. So a caution: Fasten your seatbelt--there are curves ahead. For a time I considered censoring some quotes and statements, not wanting to offend anyone. But I quickly realized that to do so would be a disservice to the many singles who desperately need an honest, straightforward discussion of single sexuality. Each chapter contains statements by singles (called "A Single Speaks") that at times may surprise you. Since every single--even a Christian single--has a sexual history, I asked singles in several different churches and colleges to write down the story of their own sexuality for possible use in this book. Frankly, knowing how difficult it is to be honest with someone else about such matters (it's even difficult to be honest with ourselves!), I didn't expect to get very complete or vulnerable responses. Was I ever surprised! As I read page after page of heart-wrenching accounts, I found myself deeply moved.
I have chosen to include several of these accounts and not censor them too much, so that the singles struggling with such past experiences can discover they are not alone. As one single woman said after reading a rough draft of this manuscript, "It's so good to know that I'm not the only one who has been hurt sexually and who struggles in this area. Because of my terrible childhood and some mistakes I made as an adult, I thought there was something wrong with me, and I've kept all these thoughts hidden inside me for my whole Christian life. But as I read some of the testimonies from singles in your book, I was amazed that they too have had it rough. That alone was a healing experience for me!"
Not every single person has such sexual experiences, of course. By God's grace, some have remained chaste, resisting temptation. However, reading these accounts will remind you of the struggles that all singles face, both virgins and non-virgins. As one married woman told me after reading a draft of the book, "Wow. I've lived a sheltered life! I had no idea singles struggled with such deep things. I have more respect now for my single friends!"
In fact, let's be honest here--no one's past is perfectly pure in the sexual arena. Jesus made this clear in Matthew 5:27-30. He did not say, "If anyone looks on a woman lustfully," but instead, "Everyone that looks on a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (NASB). I think Jesus knew that sexuality is a problem that all of us face; He knew that no one would be perfect in this area (except Himself).
Is there really anyone who has never allowed a sexually tempting situation or visual stimulation to produce lustful thoughts? I think not. I believe Jesus was pointing out that all of us are sinners in many common areas. We all have been angry with someone and thus have sinned emotionally. We all have desired revenge and hated enemies and thus have sinned socially. We all have broken oaths and promises and thus have sinned mentally. We all have at least once in our lives given in to lustful thoughts and thus have sinned sexually. We are sinners in every area of human existence: emotional, social, mental, and physical. As Paul said, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). Specifically, we each need to come to the realization that in addition to the other areas, that verse means that we all have sinned sexually and have fallen short of God's glory.
I would caution the reader to avoid casting judgments on these singles. Some of them have made big mistakes, but we all have. Fortunately, we have a Savior who generously forgives. But He doesn't forgive some more than others; it didn't take just half of His death on the cross to forgive some and the whole death to forgive the really bad ones. No, we each need the whole thing. As we kneel at the cross asking forgiveness, remember that we all kneel on level ground.
Because as humans we all are sexual people, I hope that every reader--single or married, virgin or not--will be able to see himself or herself on the pages of this book. Problems with sexuality are part and parcel of the human condition. After reading the "A Single Speaks" sections, Shannon wrote me a quick note. "Because of their stories, I decided that I needed to clean out that closet. I'm going to write my own sexual history and give it to you, because I want at least one other human being to know the truth about me. Then you can reassure me that I've been forgiven by God. I know you will keep it confidential--you had better keep it confidential! Maybe if you remind me that God has forgiven me, then I will be able to finally forgive myself and feel pure again."
Her words caused me to think, how many singles and marrieds would also benefit from writing their own sexual autobiographies? The obvious answer is: all of us! I encourage you at some point during the reading of this book to take out several sheets of paper and write out your own sexual autobiography. It is an exercise of great healing and value. Tell the whole story from childhood on, even those events you'd rather forget. Yes, it will be painful to write; it will be like taking a scalpel to your own soul. But as with all surgeries, the immediate pain is justified by the long-term benefits. In fact, I would go so far as to say that until you write your sexual autobiography, you will not deal completely with these issues in your life. Putting it on paper is a huge step. It's like what the management specialists tell us about goal-setting: if we haven't written our goals down, we haven't really set any goals.
I am deeply indebted to those brave singles (and former singles) who took the time to write out their sexual histories and shared those with me. I am also profoundly grateful to the hundreds of singles who have shared with me their personal and sexual struggles in confidential counseling sessions over the years. All of these singles were my teachers, and I had much to learn. I know that their honesty with me greatly helped in my understanding of the whole issue of sexuality, and, as a result, greatly improved the contents of this book.
Lest there be any misconceptions, let me add that I am not a therapist, though I have several counseling sessions per week; I mainly do crisis intervention and pastoral counseling. At heart I am a pastor and evangelist, and I believe strongly that true healing and wholeness can only come through a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Why I believe that is another story, but it is important to grasp my perspective if you are to understand how I approach singles and their sexuality. I seldom will allow more than one or two sessions with a specific individual; I always refer to licensed Christian counselors those who need therapy. In each session, though, I tell the counselee, "It is an honor for me to have this hour with you. Thank you so much for trusting me with your story and friendship." And I mean that. It is a privilege to be taken into someone's confidence in such intimate and personal areas.
Through counseling sessions and the sexual autobiographies, I quickly learned that almost every person has not only a sexual history, but a significant sexual history. Even the few who started their letters with "Since I am a virgin, I don't have anything important or exciting to tell you about..." recounted intense struggles with their sex drives, loneliness, feelings of self-worth, and guilt. I guess it simply is impossible to live in this sexually supercharged society and not struggle with one's sexual identity.
Because you are a sexual person, you will probably be unable to read this book in a detached, analytical manner. You will be ushered into the lives of other people, exposed to their experiences and feelings. You will hear people talk about thoughts, feelings, and events that have happened to you. You will read accounts that will sound strangely like your own. You may even have repressed memories uncovered by the pathos or parallelism between these stories and your own history. If you read this book with openness and honesty, you will be changed.
Writing this book has helped in my own pilgrimage, but it has also raised some nagging doubts: Should I really write it? What qualifies me to write it? What if some of my friends read it who know that I am not perfect in this (or any other) area? At first, I thought this book should be written by someone with a more spotless past than my own. But then I realized (actually, I learned this from singles) that there really is no one with a spotless past. All of us, except Jesus, have sinned and fallen short of God's glory physically and sexually.
With much fear and trembling, then, I have undertaken this project. If it is of help to you, then Paul's words will once again have been fulfilled, "[The Lord] said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.... For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9-10)
I write this not out of perfection but poverty. When the newspapers revealed the account of yet another minister to fall sexually, a friend said to me, "It's a good thing, Rick, that you don't have any skeletons in your closet." I responded, "Since when is my closet empty? I've got skeletons in my closet, just like everyone else. The difference in my life is that my closet door is open. I haven't tried to hide my sins and pretend as if I were perfect." And in a strange way, that has made my ministry more powerful than had I tried to appear faultless and pristine. None of us are, and even church leaders should admit that. Fortunately, I have learned to forgive myself and others for those skeletons. I pray this book will enable you to do the same.
This book is the fruit of ministry with single adults. Singles ministry is a strange beast. For most church workers, it is looked down upon and seen as an unimportant portion of God's kingdom. But for those of us in singles ministry, it is life and ministry at its very best. Singles are wonderful people whose lives may not have turned out as they had once planned. Given just a bit of love and encouragement, they blossom into some of the finest Christians and best church workers I have ever known. In a healthy singles ministry, true love, support, accountability, and community take place.
I have been privileged to be involved for ten years with singles who have been my students and teachers, counselees and counselors. Their insights fill the pages of this book. I hope they realize how deeply indebted I feel to them and how much I value their friendships. Thanks to all of you.
I also would like to thank some special people in my life: Julia Staton, who was an invaluable help to me in her numerous roles as ministry assistant, typist, editor, and friend. Joan Brown and the Crossroads Singles, who do the real work of ministry and who have strongly supported this project. The staff, leaders, and members of Crossroads Christian Church in Corona, who loved me back into the ministry when I was just about to throw in the towel. The editorial staff at Moody Press, who have treated me very well--like a $600 table! My parents, family, and friends, who have believed in, supported, and consistently encouraged me over the years. And finally to my wife Amy, to whom this book is dedicated. It was she, more than anyone or anything else, who taught me what it means to truly value someone.
THANKS FOR
VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!