CHAPTER THREE

WHY DO SINGLES SOMETIMES FEEL WORTHLESS?

The sexual revolution loudly proclaimed that there was no reason to wait. As Crosby, Stills, and Nash sang "Love the One You're With," the baby boomer generation listened with rapt attention and gave it a try. Sex outside of marriage became a very common event in some age groups, maybe even more common than sex within marriage.

Sex was not seen as something to save for marriage but was something to use freely, regardless of marital status. Movie stars openly talked about their live-in partners, and living together before marriage lost its moral stigma. Living together meant sharing an apartment and sharing bodies. The moral theme of the '70s and '80s was the same as the economic theme: don't save--spend.

There was a problem with this indiscriminate use of sexuality. Though people appeared to be sexually free, they were neither sexually nor emotionally fulfilled. They sowed their wild oats but reaped a very poor harvest. For millions of Americans, the sexual revolution has not paid a good return on their investment.

THE RESULTS OF CASUAL SEX

The sexual revolution promised happiness, freedom, and intimacy, but the real result was the gradual cheapening of a sense of personal value and a sense of sexual value among single adults--and even among married adults who were sexually permissive before marriage.

This is the conclusion of many who lived through the sexual revolution. In the article "the New Chastity" in Cosmopolitan magazine, Carolyn See wrote, "Sex is supposed to be fun, freeing... yet too many partners can sometimes make you feel disconsolate, unsatisfied. Why are so many young women suddenly swearing off the world of 'junk food' sex?" Her question reflects the trivializing of this important physical act. (And as we shall soon see, the problem is much deeper and more painful than a mere feeling of dissatisfaction.)

This kind of question surprises us, especially that it would be asked in Cosmopolitan. But Carolyn See is right on the mark. Sexual promiscuity is not the wonderful lifestyle it is hyped up to be. Sleeping around is not the exotic life of the rich and famous, and it is not Disney-land. Even if there were no sexual diseases and an AIDS crisis, sex without commitment is still far from problem-free. It is, at base, damaging to the soul. See points this out in a candid yet insightful way.

'What does all this mean in a discussion of the new chastity? What it means, I think, is that despite the Pill, legalized abortion, and economic freedom, our bodies are trying to tell us something: They don't necessarily want to be tossed around like lost luggage on a round-the-world plane trip. That's why, maybe, after a long night of good times... with a Nick Nolte look-alike... you go out for coffee in the kitchen, and something, someplace in your body feels like if it could cry, it would cry. It's not your genitalia feeling bad, it may not even be your "heart." It's in the vicinity of your lungs, your solar plexus, where some Eastern religions suggest your soul resides. In other words, recreational sex is not soul food.'

See develops this theme further, illustrating it with vivid imagery and examples:

'Yet, however difficult the choice, after close to two decades of sexual permissiveness (what a tiresome phrase; one gets "permission" to go to the cloakroom in grade school, not to go to bed with darling men!), more and more young women are opting for the new chastity..... What's all this stuff about the new chastity?" asks a beautiful showgirl who was once married to a famous tap dancer. "I'm still working on the old kind! Save yourself for a man you love or at least one who makes your heart flutter. Otherwise it's meat loaf, under brand X catsup.'

See is right again. The indiscriminate use of sexuality ends up making a person feel overused and rundown. Many singles feel like a worn-out suitcase, battered and torn from too many miles logged. In her words, sexually active singles feet like "lost luggage on a round-the-world plane trip," used, worn out, and cheap. Sexual experiences do not reinforce a person's ultimate value and importance. Singles who give themselves sexually feel depreciated, marked-down in price. They feel valueless. No longer are they treated like prime rib; now they are just meat loaf under generic catsup. What an image--but how it fits reality and reveals the consequences of the meat-market mentality toward sex.

Read "A Single Speaks." How easy it is to confuse sex with love, and how easy it is to sell ourselves cheaply.

A SINGLE SPEAKS

At 18, I knew that I was the only living female out of all my friends who remained boyfriendless. I felt left out, alone, and terribly abnormal. Then it finally happened. I began "seeing" or so we called it then, an older man (he was 19 and out of high school, so that impressed all my friends).

From the beginning things went kind of fast--we were kissing after about a week and three phone conversations. This didn't bother me, though, because I felt that I had waited so long that I didn't want to miss any more of what all my friends had told me about. After two weeks, we were hanging out alone at his house and "watching" Gone with the Wind. The action did not stop at just kissing but escalated to petting or fondling. I was raised a non-Christian, but sex to me was still something I felt should be saved for marriage. Though this activity was taking place, each of us remained fully clothed; so I felt that nothing was lost. I was wrong.

At this time, my friends were my sole source of encouragement and support because my relationship with my family was not exactly close. I shared everything with my friends, and they encouraged me to give in and become a "real woman." I didn't want them to think I was a baby or was not able to keep a boyfriend around. I was torn between my feelings of wanting to remain pure, the peer pressure, and also my curiosity to find out about what the fuss was all about. Not only that, but my hormones and my body went crazy every time he and I were together (I thought it had to be love).

As the weeks went on, the touching became more intimate, and he would try to get me to give in. I remained firm in my stance for about a month, but on prom night I became intoxicated and gave in. We continued to have intercourse for about two months after this--at which point the guilt became too much, and I told him I couldn't do it anymore.

I felt dirty, ashamed, and deceitful, but my friends were really proud and envious of me and our great relationship. I was again torn between what I knew was right and keeping him happy and around. I decided to go with what I knew was right. After all, he loved me, right? Wrong! I found out where his heart really was when I found out he was seeing a girl he worked with, because she would give him what he wanted. I was devastated. My life turned upside down because not only was he dumping me, but I could never again save myself for the man I would marry. I decided that since I was impure anyway I might as well have a good time with it. For three years I gave myself freely to whomever I thought might be the least bit interested--not one-night stands but in relationships. None of them worked for longer than two months because they wanted sex, but I wanted love.

Finally after three years of grieving and trying to get back at him, I found a place to heal. A friend introduced me to Jesus. What a difference He made in my life! I stopped hanging out in bars, drinking, and looking for trouble. I began to turn my entire life over to Him. I left all my old friends and habits behind and began to make new ones. I became involved in a church ministry with toddlers and really desired to be different. I wasn't presented with the opportunity for sexual contact in any way and was relieved and happy.

After two years, I was offered a position as a youth worker. [Soon] my own past came to haunt me. I began to remember things I had done years ago and began to feel dirty once again. I could not forgive myself for giving away something that was not only mine but was also God's. If I couldn't forgive me, then God certainly couldn't. This became the hardest time in my life. I began to feel that I had no place in the ministry and that I could never be effective. Guilt and remorse from the past consumed me, and I began to withdraw. I finally mustered up the courage to approach an older lady, both chronologically and in the Lord. She was able to show me Scripture about God forgiving all sin and making us new creations. She encouraged me to remain in the ministry as a vessel for God to use from the growth that this situation could bring.

I remained in the ministry with youth, and more than once have encouraged those who felt unforgiven and were torn between holding out and giving in. I told them to save their one-time gift for the one-time day.

WITH LITTLE VALUE

Of course, many of us know what the Bible teaches: sex outside marriage is not good soul food. But we had to discover this truth for ourselves, just as we seem to need to learn most things in the "school of hard knocks." Now, finally, the lesson has been learned. A life of sensuality is all give and no take; it is all withdrawals and no deposits. The sexual revolution has left many in our culture in extreme poverty; its impact on the value of life has been devastating. People feel used and discarded. Their value has been forfeited.

Many singles, both men and women, have experienced this feeling of devaluation in their sexual experiences. Years of sexual splurging and unrestrained behavior have left them empty and unfulfilled. Even worse, they have spent all they had--given up all that was meant to be cherished--and have received nothing in return. In the process, they have suffered the tragic consequences of singles who abandon celibacy. They cheapen themselves. As Frank, an attractive man who had lived too long in the fast lane, admitted, "It's no big deal to go to bed with a woman anymore. I've been to bed so many times that I've lost count of the women. It's not special anymore. Anyone that wants me pretty much gets me."

Jerome expressed the same feeling of worthlessness as he described a certain role he had to play while dating. "To tell you the truth, I feel cheapened by the dating process. I mean, in order to get a woman to spend time with me, I have to spend a wad of money. Most women won't give me the time of day unless I pay. How valuable does that make me feel? I feel like a guy who can't get a woman on his own charms, so he has to pay for a [service]. I'm not even a $50 table--I'm a negative $50 table! It costs me to find company!"

Jerome is obviously frustrated by the cultural pressure on men to be the ones who treat the other as valuable, but often don't feel valuable in return. The very process, he claims, chips away at his self-worth. In a strange coincidence, Frank has also had his self-worth depreciated by the women he dates. What Jerome and Frank are really saying is that they do not feel very valuable. Through his physical intimacy, Frank has been used so much that he feels worthless. He does not feel like a costly gem or a valuable treasure, but a piece of costume jewelry. Through the spending of his money, Jerome feels unappreciated and unwanted for who he is as a person.

Through different actions, both men feel they are held in little esteem by women. Unfortunately, both men and women are victims of the same process--the gradual erosion of feelings of personal worth in our culture.

This experience of sexual and personal worthlessness is common not only for singles who have never married but also for those who were formerly married. For many who have been through the pain of divorce, there is often a corresponding pain in the sexual arena. When divorcing couples begin to harm one another emotionally, that often is communicated sexually as well. This is a seldom talked about consequence of divorce.

Shirley found herself inflicting pain on herself as well as her husband as she considered a divorce. She wrote at the end of a seminar, "I married a full-time Christian worker during Bible college. I was a virgin. My background was very legalistic, along with my schooling, which led to entering a relationship in which we really didn't know each other. After staying in a lousy marriage for nine years, I am finally in the process of a divorce. Toward the end of my marriage, I became sexually involved with a man who was also married whom I love and says he loves me. After finding out that I was pregnant for the first time in my life, the pressure and stress became unbearable. I was still teaching in a Christian school, and my husband was still working as a youth pastor. We opted for the "easy" way out--abortion."

"This is a decision that both of us have regretted on a daily basis. I have experienced severe depression and eating disorders because of the emotional trauma of living a lie, dealing with a lousy marriage, facing disappointed parents because of my divorce, and an abortion--all of which I never planned."

When love starts to wane or resentments grow, one of the first things to go is sexual intimacy. Michelle, an attractive but over-weight thirty-five-year-old, said, "Our marriage was shaky for many years, but I knew it was really in trouble when he refused my sexual advances--something he had begged me to do for years. One night he said, "Forget it. Your fat doesn't turn me on." I knew then that the love was gone for sure. We've been divorced now for five years, and I've lost lots of weight. But I can't shake these feelings of being unattractive sexually."

Michelle's account is not unusual. Couples often cease all physical intimacy years before the actual divorce papers are filed. Many even move into different bedrooms or purchase separate homes. After the divorce, the pain of physical rejection lingers and retains its power.

Another cause for feelings of sexual and personal worthlessness can be the sexual activities of the couple. Some women have been mistreated sexually by their former husbands, and some men have been frustrated by their former wives. In addition, some sexual activities are flagrantly degrading. As one divorcee wrote to me in a confidential note, "I feel stained-green with "RAPED" written on my heart--damaged, worthless, and ashamed of what's been done to me and what I have done."

Some formerly married people may feel devalued because their spouses never learned the true purpose for the sexual act. Sexual intimacy is intended to communicate value, not merely to bring pleasure. When divorced or other single people have been treated as toys instead of the treasures they are, they feel cheap. Again, this is best expressed by a letter from a woman who attended one of my workshops:

Dear Rick,

Your comment regarding low self-worth based on treatment by my ex-spouse during our marriage really explained a dilemma I did not understand for years. I did not understand why I felt so worthless, why I wanted to cry and felt so alone and lonely after sexual contact with my husband. I had a very empty feeling and felt there was something wrong with me. My ex-husband would say I was cold and frigid--meanwhile he was having, I found out, several sexual affairs. I now see that his own low self-esteem was coloring any relationship between the two of us. He did not value me, and I felt that low value he placed on me.

This woman expresses the feelings of valuelessness that millions of married people have felt. Her words echo an important truth: poor sexual treatment can lead to feelings of personal and sexual worthlessness. What a great discovery she made in realizing that the low value she felt reflected not her true worth but instead her husband's mistakenly low valuation of her. She felt cheap, but at least she discovered that she felt cheap because of how he acted, not because of who she was. It was from that discovery that her healing began. If you feel of little value after a sexual encounter, recognize that it is not because of who you are, for you have great worth in God's eyes. Your low sense of worth is a direct consequence of the way you allowed yourself to be treated.

Finally, some people feel devalued sexually because of the tragic experience of molestation. Read the following letter of a woman who wrote to me after a seminar:

Thanks for the message about how you value yourself based on your sexual history...

My sexual history begins with being [sexually abused] by my father. I don't know at what age it began, but at age 12 I miscarried as a result of it. I prayed that God would help me, and I feel He did in the only way He could by not allowing the pregnancy to continue.

My dad made matters worse for me by divorcing my mom
and leaving the family. I had learned to cope within that system. What I couldn't cope with was the abandonment. As a result of my sexual experience and desire to replace my dad, I led a promiscuous life from my early teens. It was the only way I understood that two people of the opposite sex could relate to each other. I had such a poor assessment of my value that I felt bad and guilty having sex with boys, but I didn't know how to stop it and still receive the kind of "love" I thought was normal from my dates.

Early marriage to a man who resembled my dad and behaved like him was a disaster from the beginning. He was very verbally and sexually abusive to me. I thought sexual relations were supposed to hurt.

This woman, scarred from her father's molesting of her, endured the pain until her own husband began to abuse her children. She divorced and years later met a Christian man who began to understand and value her as a person. As she wrote, "[This] man was different. He valued me for something more than a sexual encounter, and he helped me find the Lord. I am now married to him and am blessed for finally experiencing a healthy marriage, sex life, and serving the Lord as a couple.

FEELING CONTAMINATED

The sexual revolution, indeed, has left its followers feeling impoverished and cheapened. But that is not the only tragic result of profligate behavior. Unrestrained sexual activity has also given single adults a deep feeling of contamination.

Consider Phil, thirty-nine and a Christian who chose to play by the rules of the sexual revolution. A high school teacher, Phil grew up in a conservative Christian home and made his decision to be a Christian as a young teenager. It naturally followed that he made a decision to remain celibate until marriage; but that decision, as he entered high school in the early '70s, was difficult to maintain. He was popular and good looking, in addition to being a gifted athlete and student.

Since he attended both high school and college in a rural area in the Midwest and was a leader in his church youth groups, he was able to date young women of like standards. He had some sexual experiences but was always able to steer clear of "the act" and thereby retain a feeling of technical virginity. Of course, both he and his girlfriends felt guilty for their actions, but since they were careful to not do what they had been told not to do, they continued to tell others to "wait" like them, until marriage. They were virgins in a technical sense only, but that was acceptable; those trained in legalism are, after all, the best at finding loopholes.

When his college girlfriend broke up with him at the end of his senior year, Phil realized that the "wait" would be longer than he had planned. After moving to the Northwest and entering graduate school, he began to question whether the wait was worth it, especially when the first few women he dated pointed out the absurdity of his view about technical virginity. He discovered that he didn't really know why he should remain a virgin--technically or non-technically.

Because Phil was so capable and handsome, he always had a few women who wanted to be with him. In fact, he was amazed that some of them were more sexually aggressive than he had ever imagined a woman would be. He abandoned his previous commitment for celibacy and gave himself fully to a sexually active lifestyle.

But because he was a Christian, Phil had an inner need to appear moral to himself. His solution was that he could be sexually active, but only with one woman at a time. "What Jesus really wanted to assert morally," Phil said in his educated manner, "was monogamy in a polygamous culture. He really wasn't as concerned with virginity as He was with appearing to be faithful. So he told himself, "even though I'm sexually active, I still feel I am living congruently as a Christian because I'm sexually monogamous."

But none of Phil's moral, monogamous relationships lasted. Whenever a relationship became rocky, it was easier for him to abandon it and pursue any number of new available women. To be fair, it wasn't only Phil who gave up on the women; some of the women gave up on him too. But either way, Phil experienced an amazing byproduct of his many sexual escapades.

As Phil admitted to me, "It's getting more and more difficult to find a good sexual partner. It's not that the women aren't pretty or passionate. Instead, the problem is within me! I have been to bed with so many different women that I can't help but compare them to each other, and I end up dissatisfied somehow with each one. It's like I have a hundred video tapes running in my mind, and when I'm with a woman I run the tapes of the other women and compare them in my head. All of this goes on during sex, and sometimes I even forget who I am with.

"I'm like a guy who is addicted to drugs. After trying different kinds of highs, I crave variety. Just one drug loses its kick after a while. I get bored with just one drug. It's almost like I'm addicted to variety.

"My girlfriends figure this out too. They ask me what I like and try to comply, but pretty soon they get tired of all my different requests. Like one woman said to me, 'Phil, I feel that you're not in love with me, but in love with the things I do. You don't need a woman, you need a robot-doll you can program.'

"The sad part is that she was right! I'm afraid that now I will be a bachelor forever because I could never be happy with just one woman.... Everyone thinks I'm free and enjoying life. But I'm not free, and I'm not enjoying myself! I'm not happy, but the truth is that I'm stuck."

I wish Phil were the exception today rather than the rule. How many married people are frustrated sexually because their spouse doesn't perform like someone they knew before, met recently, or saw in a movie? How many men wish their wives had bodies more like the women in the Playboy centerfolds? How many women fantasize that their husbands would act like the men in the TV soap operas or romance novels? How many married people are burdened by the memories and images of sexual partners other than their spouses?

Phil is a contaminated man--his mind is full of junk that he would like to get rid of, but try as he might he can't take out the trash. Like so many other singles who said yes to the sexual revolution, his unrestrained sexual activity has left him with a deep sense of contamination.

For Paula, the story is different, but the result is the same: feelings of contamination and emptiness. Though Paula, like Phil, was raised in a Christian home and attended church occasionally as a child, as a teenager she thought church was "uncool." She was a Christian, but only nominally. Her school friends, in her opinion, were cool, and they were doing all the cool things: drinking, smoking, partying, and doing drugs. Of course, they also were sexually active.

Since Paula was shapely and fairly attractive, she was popular with this crowd. The boys always wanted to be with her and would show her great amounts of attention. They would buy the drinks and drugs, pick her up in fancy cars, and take care of all the other details. She felt she had to look good, and she loved getting in their cars and receiving the attention.

Of course, she also had to take off her clothes at some point in the evening. But for Paula that was just one other fun thing to do, one more way to feel excitement. She enjoyed sex. She liked the physical closeness with her boyfriends.

She also discovered that sex was extremely important to those boys, and she held the controls. There was a great amount of power in sexuality. She could use it to get not only drugs and drinks but also money and clothes. She could manipulate the boys into doing what she wanted and going where she desired, just by using her sexual controls. She could even catch any boyfriend she wanted; sex was the ultimate and unfailing bait.

In college Paula caught one guy that she thought was especially great. She put on the charm, cast out her fishing line, and then quickly reeled him in. Soon they were engaged and then married. They enjoyed their sexual life together, yet the marriage ended after a few years; he just could not stand her subtle attempts to manipulate him. Paula became a divorced woman.

She soon learned that the bar scene was surprisingly similar to her former high school scene. The relationships were shallow, and the deceptions ran deep. Her old manipulation techniques worked perfectly, and her calendar soon was filled with adoring men. Life was very exciting, but she was tiring of thrills. Paula longed for lasting love, for someone to truly treasure her. She eventually met and married another man but again ended up divorced.

Now in her mid-thirties, she began to despair of ever having a truly happy marriage. It seemed as if she attracted the wrong type of men--men who just used her and were not able to make commitments.

A coworker invited Paula to our church group, where after a few months she decided to give God a chance. Filled with the sense of a fresh new beginning and the unexpected discovery that God really did love her after all, she decided to radically change her lifestyle and began looking for a Christian man with whom she could share her life and her new values.

But old habits die hard. In spite of new resolutions to be celibate, she soon found herself falling into sexual activity with Christian men. Actually, she admitted to partially seducing them. She wanted their attention and love, and sexual closeness had always been her way of securing those things. But even these new relationships with Christian men fell apart. Finally Paula met a wonderful man who had high moral standards, and a new, healthy relationship blossomed.

Now she had a new problem. She felt extremely guilty for the sexual sins of her past. Years of reckless sexuality weighed heavily on her soul. In her own words, she felt "dirty." She asked over and over for God's forgiveness, time and again for His cleansing. She knew intellectually that God forgave her. But she could not feel forgiven. Her head was clean, but her heart still felt dirty. She also felt unclean around her new fianc‚e. He had not been promiscuous. "He's clean and pure; and I'm not," she said. It was almost as if her soul had been stained.

This is the second and more tragic result of the sexual revolution in the lives of single adults. Years of sexual freedom not only cheapen people, but such behavior also taints them. Failure to live in sexual purity leaves the souls of singles filled with filth. The gospel promises forgiveness, but it is extremely difficult for such people to forgive themselves. It is even more difficult to feel forgiven by God.

TOUGH STAINS

The stain of sin sometimes penetrates deeply and is difficult to cleanse. Shakespeare, in his magnificent play Macbeth, gives us a vivid example of the difficulty in forgiving ourselves. After she and her husband ordered the murder of Banquo, Lady Macbeth washed the blood off her hands, but she could not wash the stain from her soul. Shakespeare portrays her as a tormented woman, experiencing terrifying nightmares. She imagines the blood is still on her hands, and she is unable to wash away the stain. A doctor is called to help her, and one night he and a servant observe her grisly sleepwalking actions:

Doctor: Hark! She speaks. I will set down what comes from her, to satisfy my remembrance the more strongly.

Lady M.: Out damned spot! Out, I say! One, two,-why, then it's time to do't. Hell is murky. Fie, my lord, fie! A soldier, and afeared? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account? Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him?

Doctor: Do you mark that?

Lady M.: Me Mane of Fine had a wife. Where is she now? What, will these hands ne'er be clean? No more o' that, my lord, no more o' that. You mar all with this starting.... Here's the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, oh, oh!

Doctor: What a sight is there! The heart is sorely charged.

Servant: I would not have such a heart in my bosom for the dignity of the whole body.

Lady Macbeth is dreaming, of course, that her hands are still stained with Banquo's blood, and no amount of washing can remove the stains. In her dreams she is walking with Macbeth, trying to wash her hands and convince him that Banquo cannot come back from the dead. She is thinking, the power now is ours. Nothing can harm us. Nothing can, except themselves and a slow destruction from inside. Lady Macbeth's heart was indeed "sorely charged," or heavily burdened. The burden would ultimately be the cause of her death. Not only was the stain unwashable, but in its filth was a poison that destroyed her soul. Like the wise servant woman, none of us wants a heart filled with such pain. None of us could stand a soul loaded down with so much dirt.

This was Paula's problem. From her new perspective, the years of unclean living had produced a permanent stain. God might forgive her, but the feelings of being stained would remain. Even though the Bible said that God would forgive her sins and make her white as snow, she did not feel pure. She did not feel clean. If she were anything like snow, it was only trodden, muddy snow.

In a counseling session, her main question to me was honest: "How can I get rid of this feeling of uncleanliness? How can I get a sense of purity again?" Her question is common to many veterans of the sexual revolution, her need a common one in our generation.

The feelings of worthlessness and uncleanness are not restricted to one gender. Both men and women feel this way, in spite of the boastful language heard in locker rooms of both sexes. Both genders have suffered; both have been victimized. For Frank, Jerome, Phil, and Paula, the sexual revolution turned out to be a false promise, and, after following its instructions, they ended up worse than before.

If you are a weary victim of the sexual revolution and feel there's a stain you cannot scrub clean, take heart. You can recover a feeling of value and worth again. Even singles who feel cheap and dirty can regain a sense of value and purity. Neither Phil nor Paula can wipe away the past; neither can you go back in time and undo poor choices. Fortunately, the Bible has a surprising and freeing solution, which we will discuss in the next chapter.

CHAPTER FOUR

THANKS FOR VISITING! GOD BLESS YOU!

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