Live Through ~ Chapter Eight

Warnings: Um... angst? Lots of angst? Tons of angst?

Part Eight

 

After a few seconds of standing there, completely motionless, I realize that delaying is pointless. There are a few factors to keep in mind here.

 

One: Muraki is a notorious liar. I can probably count the times that he’s told the truth on an amputee’s fingers. He has on occasion, but usually he’s said it to Tsuzuki -- not to me.

 

Two: Muraki does not use such elaborate means to kill people. If he really wanted me dead, he probably would have killed me the second I stepped into the room. I’m sure that breaking the doll will do something -- probably something less than desirable -- but I doubt it would really kill me.

 

Three: Muraki wants Tsuzuki, and thus far, I’m the only bait or ransom he can ever use. He does not want to kill me, at least, not until Tsuzuki is safely in his clutches.

 

Four: Death would be better than being trapped in this eternal dream.

 

And just then it occurs to me. What if I’m dreaming? Akimiya isn’t here. He was asleep when I left. That is, he looked asleep. I’ve learned to not underestimate Akimiya. But with only Muraki here, I don’t know whether or not my empathy is working. I can’t read him unless I try -- and I usually prefer to not try.

 

I shake my head a little, to clear it. All right, there’s a strong probability that this is just another dream. Either I’ll dream I die, or I’ll dream that the curse is ended -- either one would be horrible enough to wake up from. But what that means is that there’s about a fifty-fifty chance that breaking the doll will accomplish absolutely nothing.

 

So my solution is to stand here, looking down at the doll, waiting to see if Muraki will try anything else. He doesn’t seem to have anything planned. He’s just . . . watching me. Because what does he care? Whatever happens, he already had his fun with me in the first nightmare. Despite what the doll is intended to do, it’s Tsuzuki he wants.

 

And of course, there’s only one way to find out what the doll will do if it’s destroyed.

 

I don’t know why I’m reluctant to destroy it. I would do anything for the dream to end. Even end this second life I’ve been given.

 

It’s just . . .

 

Tsuzuki will be so angry with me if I die.

 

He doesn’t love me, but that doesn’t mean he never will. Nor does it mean he doesn’t care for me. Tsuzuki cried and said he missed me, and while it might have been a dream, that doesn’t make it any less real to me.

 

If breaking the doll would really kill me, why did Muraki tell me? If he hadn’t, I would have broken the doll immediately to end the curse, and died immediately. Does he enjoy watching my indecision? Did he want to know what I would do?

 

Or is this all just fun and games to him, the way so many of our encounters are?

 

If the doll was really going to kill me, he would not have said so.

 

Conclusion come to. Decision made.

 

“Sorry,” I finally said. “It’s been a fun game, but I don’t feel like playing anymore.”

 

And I throw the doll, as hard as I can, against the far wall.

 

It shatters in a shower of porcelain and lands on the floor with a thud.

 

Everything is very still. Very quiet.

 

Muraki looks surprised. Either he wasn’t expecting me to actually go through with it, or something else was supposed to happen. Muraki looks surprised very rarely, and I gave him due warning that I was going to actually break the doll. I think something was supposed to happen. Yet . . . it didn’t. Nothing happened. I’m not dead. Nor did I wake up in my bed in the infirmary.

 

I think it may have actually worked.

 

With none of the side effects intended.

 

And with a smile, I understand. “Akimiya.”

 

Muraki blinks at me. Then he blinks more at Akimiya, who pushes the door open and walks inside.

 

We look at each other for a minute.

 

“I didn’t know you could block Muraki’s magic.”

 

“Neither did I, actually,” he says with a modest smile.

 

I look back to Muraki, but he’s already gone. And I suppose it makes sense. If Akimiya dampens his magic the way he dampens my empathy, I might actually be able to beat him with the small amount of ‘jitsu that I have. And Muraki was never one for confrontation anyway, not unless he had the upper hand going in.

 

“Well,” I say. “Thanks. You followed me?”

 

He rolls his eyes. “Of course I followed you. What are partners for? Let’s go home.”

 

“Is the curse over?” I ask.

 

He looks at the broken doll. “No way of knowing that ‘til you fall asleep,” he answers with a shrug.

 

I pick up one of the porcelain pieces and slide it into my pocket, not sure why I want it, but wanting it nonetheless. “Why did the spell work earlier if you can dampen Muraki’s magic?”

 

“Because I was on the receiving end of it with you, rather than the sending end with him,” Akimiya answers. Then he adds, “Or so I would imagine.”

 

“Hm.” I nod. “Does Tsuzuki know I’m gone?”

 

He shakes his head.

 

“Let’s get back, then.”

~~~~

 

Tsuzuki is awake and has worked himself into a full-blown panic by the time we get back. Excellent. Watari is doing his best to keep him calm, but that doesn’t stop him from latching onto me the second I walk into the door. “Are you okay?”

 

I nod. “I’m fine. And we broke the focus.”

 

“You went without me!”

 

Tsuzuki looks wounded. I’m definitely in for a lecture. It reminds me a lot of our first mission together, when I saved him and then chewed him out for being bait for Maria Wong. Though, in retrospect, I think he might have gotten out of that on his own if I hadn’t been there.

 

And all he did was grin and say “Sankyuu, Hisoka,” the way he always did. Because he knew that I was chewing him out because I’d been worried. And that’s why he’ll be lecturing me, now, so I can take it.

 

Unfortunately for me, he doesn’t lecture me. He just stares at me for a long second, then says, “You thought I couldn’t do it.”

 

“It’s not that,” I say, but I know I flinched. “It’s not that I thought you couldn’t. It’s just that you shouldn’t have to. I don’t . . . I didn’t want to let him hurt you, even if you could have won in the end.”

 

He appears to ponder this for a minute. “You could have been hurt. Or killed.”

 

“Yes. But so could you if you had gone to face Muraki. Why does my life mean so much more than yours?”

 

He doesn’t have an answer to that. Just looks away.

 

Now I’m starting to get upset. “I’ll tell you why, Tsuzuki. You think I’m more important because your self-image is just that negative. You don’t think I’m worth that much -- you just think you’re worth nothing.” I think I’m crying. This day is going straight to hell. “Well, let me give you my view on things, Tsuzuki -- you’ve got it completely backwards. I am worth something. I know I am. But so are you -- you’re worth so much more than me, but it isn’t because I’m worthless, it’s because you’re wonderful, you’re perfect, you’re everything I ever wanted.”

 

Pause to let that sink in, and to swallow the lump in my throat.

 

“I didn’t go in your place because I lost faith in you,” I finally manage to say. “I went because I love you. But I’m beginning to think you’ll never understand that.”

 

And . . . it takes everything I have . . . but I turn and walk away.

 

Leaving him standing behind me, not knowing what to say. I’m beginning to wonder why on earth I said that. In front of half the office staff, no less. Not that any of them were surprised.

 

Everyone just watches me as I go outside. It’s dawn. I can hear the birds chirping. I doubt I have to be at work today, so I walk home. The sunrise is beautiful. If this was a dream, I would have woken up by now.

 

I go home.

 

Crawl into bed.

 

Pull the covers over my head.

 

The phone rings.

 

God damn it. I’m not answering it. I don’t care who the hell it is, I’m not answering it. I just want to get some sleep.

 

“Hello?” Of course I pick it up anyway. I’ve really got to learn to stick to my resolutions.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

Akimiya. Who else would it be but Akimiya.

 

“No. Thank you, good night.”

 

I hang up. It’s been a while since I was that rude to someone. Probably not since my first few days as a Shinigami. Tsuzuki taught me that I didn’t need that defensive shell here. I learned that the people here would care for me, and being so hostile was unnecessary.

 

In the end, that was my biggest mistake. I let myself open up, be cared about. Fall in love.

 

In the end, falling in love is always the biggest mistake.

~~~~

 

I sleep. When I wake up, late afternoon, someone has come by. There’s a bag of take-out Chinese food on my table, a fresh pot of tea, and a note that says “Konoe-kachou expects you in the office at the normal time tomorrow morning. Call if that isn’t okay.” I don’t recognize the handwriting, which means it must be Akimiya. I’ve seen everyone else’s handwriting by now.

 

Of course. Akimiya, my non-replacement for Tsuzuki, is the one who thinks of bringing me food.

 

I eat. Not because I feel like prolonging my life, but because I’m so damned hungry that my stomach aches. I force myself to eat slowly, so I don’t get sick, but I finish everything Akimiya brought. I consider calling the office and saying I’d like another day off. But a day off for what? To sit at home and mope?

 

No. I’ll go to work. Konoe-kachou won’t be stupid enough to give another case so soon. It’ll just be debriefings, staff meetings, the like. I can’t get another mission soon enough. The thought of spending any more time around Tsuzuki in the near future is agonizing. He must hate me after what I said to him.

 

I spend the evening watching television and lounging. The portrait of a teenager wallowing in self-pity. I am sixteen years old, and have been dead for two years, so I have existed for eighteen total years. Tsuzuki is, I think, over a hundred. So why am I so much better at coming to grips with my emotions than he is?

 

If, of course, you call wallowing in self-pity a good emotional response.

 

Never mind. I’m just going to bed.

~~~~

 

Alarm. Good. No dreams. Not even the usual nightmares. I think my dreaming capabilities have been worn out for a while. All the better. I turn off the alarm. Pretend it’s just a normal morning. Wash up. Get dressed. Eat breakfast. (As much as I can -- most of the food here has gone bad. I really was in the infirmary for a while.) Hopefully there’ll be coffee and donuts at the office like usual. Or maybe I can ask Tsuzuki to go to Chijou and get one of those cinnamon buns he likes so much for me, if I give him extra money so he can get one for himself --

 

Oh. Right. Tsuzuki is mad at me. I nearly forgot.

 

Right. Ignore the weird burning sensation in my eyes. Walk to work. I feel like my body is on auto-pilot. I guess not all the gauze got burned off by pain. It’s a bright, sunny morning. A beautiful day. It always is, on this side of things.

 

There are indeed coffee and donuts in the office. I’m more of a tea person, myself, but I can handle coffee if it has a lot of sugar in it.

 

Yech. It tastes like those chocolate espresso beans. I think it’s mocha, today. Most people like mocha coffee. I think it’ll always bring back too many memories for me. I dump it out. There’s hot water and a few tea bags. Not green tea, which I prefer, but some regular English tea. I think it’s what Tatsumi-san likes.

 

I snag that and a chocolate-frosted donut, then look up as Tatsumi-san walks in.

 

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

 

I survey myself. Tired, hungry, headachey, and broken-hearted. “Fine.” I even manage to keep my voice neutral. Way to go, me.

 

He gives me one of his looks, which, from Tatsumi-san, is quite scary. “I may not be an empath, but I can tell when someone is lying.”

 

I glare at him. “I have no injuries. I slept long enough to recuperate from what happened. I’m fine, and I’d appreciate it if I didn’t have to hear anything more on the subject.”

 

He gives me another look. This one long and steady. Trying to see past my words. “Fine,” he says. “Staff meeting in twenty minutes.”

 

I don’t ask about Tsuzuki, though I want to know. He’s already walking away, anyway. I watch him go.

 

Akimiya walks over. Picks up a donut and a mug of coffee. Gives me a surreptitious glance. Says nothing.

 

All right, I’ll admit it. The silence is driving me crazy. But I don’t give in to it. I just eat my donut. I’m still really hungry. I’ll have to go down to Chijou and treat myself to a nice lunch. I think I deserve it. Though eating alone in restaurants for lunch really loses its charm after a few times.

 

I don’t want to say anything. Don’t want Akimiya to know that I’m practically jumpy over what happened last night with Tsuzuki. “Thanks for the food,” I finally say. “Everything in my fridge was spoiled. How long was I under that curse, anyway?” That’s good, Hisoka. Engage in small talk, then maybe you can get around to important topics.

 

“About two weeks,” Akimiya says, sipping his coffee. “I see you’ve lost your taste for mocha.”

 

I roll my eyes and don’t reply to that statement. “The tea was still hot when I woke up. You should’ve waited. You could have eaten with me.”

 

He shrugs.

 

There’s a brief silence.

 

“Do you want to go to Chijou for lunch?” I ask. “I owe you for saving me last night.”

 

“Sure,” he says. “Even though all I did was stand there. What do you think that doll was supposed to do, anyway?”

 

“Beats me.” I sigh. “I’m not sure I want to know anyway. The two curses were tied together. Maybe he was telling the truth, after all. It’s rare, but it does happen.”

 

“But why would he have told you, in that case?” Akimiya asks. My question from last night. But after my little conversation with Tsuzuki, the answer seems much more obvious.

 

“If he had killed me, Tsuzuki never would have forgiven him for it.” I shake my head. “In the end, it had to be my choice. I had to know what I was doing when I broke the doll, so Tsuzuki would hold me responsible even though Muraki was the one who cursed me.”

 

“You chose to die,” Akimiya says softly.

 

“No. Not precisely. I chose to take a chance that might result in my death. I didn’t know whether or not he was telling the truth. Until you walked in, I didn’t even know whether or not I was dreaming. I took a chance that I might die, because if breaking the doll was the only thing that could break the spell . . . I would rather die than live under that curse for eternity.”

 

Akimiya considers this for a minute. “Okay. I get it. I think.”

 

“Muraki wants Tsuzuki,” I explain. “I stand in the way. But if he just kills me, that won’t help. It would get rid of me in body, but not in spirit. If I chose to die, that might make Tsuzuki doubt how much I cared for him . . . enough for Muraki to get in. He’s a master of manipulation.”

 

“I know,” Akimiya says. “I saw your dream.”

 

“Oh. Yes.”

 

“What are you going to do about Tsuzuki?”

 

I tense, and feel silly for tensing. “What do you mean, do?”

 

He just gives me a look. A look that equals Tatsumi-san in terms of making me feel like Idiot Number One.

 

“I’m not going to do anything,” I say, looking away.

 

“You’re an idiot, Hisoka.”

 

“No,” I reply. “I’m just sick of being hurt all the time.” I finish my donut, then drain my cup of tea and toss it into the trash. “Come on. Staff meeting calls.”

~~~~

 

If the first part of the day was hell, the staff meeting somehow manages to be worse. To begin with, I have to give the detailed version of what went on between Muraki and I yesterday. I try to ignore the looks Tsuzuki is sending my way. I can’t tell if he’s angry or just upset. Either way, I don’t want to meet his eyes.

 

Everyone is pretty interested in the fact that Akimiya’s dampening field extends to Muraki, so when my summary is finished, he becomes the center of the discussion. Turns out Watari never really figured out how Akimiya’s powers worked -- we all just knew that he has them. This is the topic of conversation for a good twenty minutes. I drink my tea and try to look small.

 

The staff meeting ends without Tsuzuki and I having technically spoken a word to each other. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

 

I spend the morning keeping myself busy as well as I can. Which is not, in all honesty, very well. I don’t want to think about Tsuzuki, which must be why he’s all I can think about.

 

I’m beginning to wonder when I went from being content to love him from a distance, and being torn apart by the fact that he doesn’t love me in return.

 

In all honesty, I’m not sure it was that big a change. All of my realizations were so fast. Akimiya was the one who convinced me I was actually in love with him. But I already knew that, deep down inside.

 

No, what really did it was that fourth dream. Until Tsuzuki said he loved me, I didn’t realize how happy it would make me. And now I can’t forget that momentary happiness. I want it back. But I can’t have it, because Tsuzuki doesn’t love me.

 

It’s somehow ironically funny that out of all those horrible nightmares, the one that sticks with me the most is the one that wasn’t a nightmare at all.

 

I woke up to the nightmare.

 

“You look way more thoughtful than can possibly be good for you.” Akimiya dumps my jacket on my desk. I blink at him. That’s brainpower for you. Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep after all. “Let’s go to lunch.”

 

“Sure.” I pick up my jacket and thankfully flee the office. I can feel Tsuzuki’s eyes on me as we leave.

 

“It’s funny,” I say as we get a table and sit down, “I feel like I’ve known you a lot longer than I really have.”

 

He shrugs. “Adversity draws people together. For two weeks, you were forced to rely on me to keep you sane. If that’s not enough to create trust, I don’t know what is.”

 

“True.”

 

We get some tea and order our food. Sit in silence for a few minutes.

 

“So did I succeed?” Akimiya asks abruptly.

 

I blink at him. “Huh?” is my incredibly intelligent reply.

 

“Did I succeed in keeping you sane,” he clarifies.

 

“I haven’t decided yet.” I sip at my tea. My stomach is finally starting to calm down from what it’s been through. “I’m not sure I was ever really sane to begin with.”

 

Akimiya, very wisely, doesn’t reply to that other than to let out a little laugh.

 

“What do you think?” I ask.

 

“Do I think you’re sane?” He apparently wants to be clear on exactly what I’m asking.

 

“Yeah.”

 

He gives the question due consideration. “No, not really,” he finally says. “But you’re no less sane than when I met you, so I’ll say I succeeded in keeping you sane. But you’re in love -- and no one in love is entirely sane.”

 

I can’t help but laugh at that, but it doesn’t really seem funny. “I don’t want to be in love anymore.”

 

He sips his tea and eyes me thoughtfully over the rim of the mug. “That’s because you think it’s unrequited.”

 

I shrug. “Isn’t it?”

 

“Depends on how you define the term,” Akimiya replies. “It’s obvious that Tsuzuki-san cares about you a great deal.”

 

“But not enough,” I say in a low voice.

 

“Not enough?” He considers that. “No. Just not in the same way you do. That’s different from not being enough. I think he could love you, if he could manage to give himself a break. It’s what I said before this whole mess; he’s waiting to see if it’s going to blow up in his face. And now he’s more scared than before, because it came so close to doing just that.”

 

I have to admit that, for Akimiya, he’s making a frightening amount of sense. The waitress brings our food and Akimiya thanks her with a charming smile.

 

“You were in love, weren’t you,” I say softly.

 

He blinks at me, then smiles. But it’s different from his usual smile. It’s a little sad. Wistful. “Yeah. Before I died. I was engaged. How could you tell?”

 

“Just . . . you seem to know an awful lot about it. Far more than I do.”

 

He smiles again, more genuine this time. “You’re only sixteen, Hisoka. Eighteen including Shinigami time, right? Give yourself time. You’re just a teenager.”

 

I roll my eyes. “You’re only twenty-three. You’re not that much older than I am.”

 

“But as you said. I have experience.”

 

“Hm. What happened to her?”

 

“Nothing happened to her. I got killed.” Akimiya looks thoughtful again. “I wanted to come back so I could keep an eye on her. To make sure she was okay. She seems to be doing all right. I’m glad. Also because . . .” His voice trails off.

 

“Because?” I prompt. I shouldn’t be asking, I know I shouldn’t, but Akimiya isn’t the most private of people anyway, and I want to know.

 

“Well, because the man who murdered me did it because he wanted her,” Akimiya says, in a matter-of-fact tone that lets me know he wasn’t offended by my question. “And I wanted to make sure he doesn’t get her. By any means I can.”

 

“Would you be angry if she found someone else to love?” I’m curious about this. I also want to steer the conversation away from his death. That’s enough to make us both feel a little awkward. Or maybe just me.

 

“Of course not.” He blinks at me, as if this hadn’t even occurred to him. “I want her to be happy. It doesn’t matter if she’s happy with me or with someone else. I mean, I don’t want her to forget about me . . . but if she finds happiness with someone new, that’s wonderful.” He smiles, and I have absolutely no doubt that he means every word of it.

 

“You’re the most selfless person I’ve ever met,” I say, not really thinking.

 

“Really?” He looks sort of startled. “I just figured it was common sense.”

 

I laugh. “It’s not just that. But . . . helping me through the curse. Tying yourself into my nightmares like that. It could’ve been dangerous for you. And now you, and only you, are braving my possible wrath and trying to talk me out of my funk.”

 

“I’ll talk to Tsuzuki, too.” His eyes gleam.

 

“Please don’t.” But I’m smiling.

 

He shrugs. “Hisoka, you’re miserable without him, and you’re going to continue to be miserable until the two of you get a grip and get together. If I don’t talk to him, who will?”

 

“You can’t talk him into loving me,” I say quietly.

 

“I know. And besides, if he doesn’t decide that on his own, it won’t mean anything. It’s what I said to him earlier. He has to love you because he wants to, not because you want him to. But I also do believe that he’s already in love with you, and just doesn’t know it yet.”

 

I just shake my head.

 

“You’ve lived too long without hope, Hisoka,” Akimiya says. His voice is very soft. I’m not sure I was even supposed to hear it. Then he resumes speaking in a normal tone. “I’ll talk to him.”

 

“I don’t want you to.”

 

“You know what, Hisoka? I don’t give a damn. Because if I have to be your partner while you mope endlessly, I’ll go crazy myself.”

 

“You don’t know what it’s like to live without hope.” It’s a challenge. Proving that I heard what he said. Agreeing that he’s right, but denying that he had any right to say it. “Ever since I was born, I’ve been hated.” I rest my chin in my hands, looking away. “I don’t deserve Tsuzuki any more than he thinks he deserves me.”

 

“Oh, for the love of -- you two are both morons,” Akimiya decrees. “I’m talking to him whether you like it or not.”

 

“Go ahead.” My voice sounds dull even in my own ears. “It won’t make any difference.”

~~~~

See? Lots of angst. But at least it isn't really a cliffhanger. Just kind of an... angst-hanger. If such a thing exists.

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