29th June 2001 28th June 2001 "Spencer Prior should officially become a player today following the completion of the transfer
from Manchester City. The deal has been finalised and the player should sign today at 10
o’clock. The contract for the player was received at the Football League and the P.F.A with a
number of additions. Some of the major points within the contract is he must have a physical
liaison with a sheep; also he will eat sheep’s testicles. These additions have been cleared by
the F.A and will be in the contract that Spencer will sign at 10 am this morning. We would like to
take this opportunity to welcome Spencer as a new member of the clubs family." And there was me frowning at people making sheepshagger jokes about the Welsh, and all this time it turns out to be fact. Stone me... Incidentally, the article is followed by a severe warning saying that no part of it can be reproduced without the official permission of Cardiff City AFC. I make no apology for reproducing it here without permission as I am confident that this is one case that will never reach a courtroom. Thanks to Total Football Network colleague Michael Morris for pointing out the article. 27th June 2001 26th June 2001 As Klaus put it so succinctly in a rather hungover email to me this morning: "My little pony looks in the bag.. Don't know whether to laugh or cry..". Priesty does not know whether to laugh or cry either. I found a lot to dislike in Petit when he played for North London rivals Arse. In fact I hated him more than I hate that wanker Clive Newman, the school bully, who threw me off a moving number 22 bus in King's Road (circa 1971), then spat on my unconscious, bloodied head as I lay in the road. My Mum went ballistic when she found out and dashed to St Stephen's Hospital, where her first born was lying in a coma in the intensive care unit. She wept and screamed at the doctors, not about my state of health, but about how "he's ruined his new school trousers - I only bought them last week". Charming. I only found out because she left a note saying "you're not getting another pair" in case I woke up. I ended up having to convert the ripped trousers into shorts, which went down well with the other fourth year students at Kingsley Secondary Modern School, Chelsea SW3, I can tell you. Fucking hell. The horror. If you're reading this, Newman, I'll meet you any time, any fucking place and bring all your so-called mates who laughed. I've been practising for the day I meet you again, only I'm a bit bigger and far wiser now, you fat cunt. Sorry, I digress. Not that I'm one to carry a grudge or anything.. Anyway, back to the matter in hand: Petit. It could be said that I hated Mark Hughes before we signed him, and look what happened. To quote Dr Les: "Before he came it was "That cunt Hughes", then it was all "Hughesie ! Hughesie !". He's got a point. If Petit can come up with the goods I will indeed be singing "Pony ! Pony !".... 20th June 2001 19th June 2001 Depressingly, the official Chelsea site are already doing exactly the same to Dennis as they recently did to Tore Andre Flo and Gus Poyet, i.e. trying to make out that he's past his best and that getting all that money for him is good business. Ludicrously, they are even trumpeting the fact that they're getting the same (£1.6 million) as they paid for him eleven years ago. At today's prices that sum would not cover Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink's dry cleaning bills. What a fucking insult to our intelligence. I know that change is needed at Chelsea, and can accept that they need younger players. I just can't stand the way they're so quick to try to justify selling players by claiming that they're no longer any good; apart from being untrue it's dishonest and disloyal, although we shouldn't be too surprised by that. I know that anyone who gives a shit about Chelsea will join me in wishing Dennis the best, and I'd like to thank him personally for placing Chelsea Football Club first in everything he did. We will never have another like him. I feel sorry for Frank Lampard, who not only has to step into Den's boots, which is hard enough, but he also has to try to justify the ludicrous sum of money Chelsea paid for him. I also suspect that we will end up footing the bill, in one form or another. 13th June 2001 "A complete travesty of justice", claims Les. "I was quietly quaffing a few glasses of absinthe at the bar, when over comes this ancient strumpet with a glint in her eye. Naturally I thought my luck was in, so I turned on the charm, didn't I. Next thing I know it had all gone tits-up: One moment I was giving her the 'I reckon you could suck a golf ball through a length of garden hose' chat-up routine, and the next I found myself being chased down the road by Thai nutters dressed as choirboys, screaming blue murder and waving meat cleavers. You just can't buy that sort of entertainment, can you ? That absinthe stuff is the fucking business, Priesty." Further investigations on my part reveal that the local missionary had been paying a visit to the club to save souls, and a hallucinating Les had mistaken his wife for one of the ladyboy hooker employees. The missionary's flock had naturally taken exception to the wife of their leader being molested by a pervert and had proceeded to attempt to deprive Les of his head. Having been forced to exit from Thailand incognito (on the back of an elephant via Laos and the Golden Triangle), Les is naturally slightly befuddled and well behind with the news; he has sent an impassioned plea begging Gus Poyet not to sign for another British club, and I'm not as stupid as to be the mug who tells him that the deal's already done. He has also seen fit to comment on my article about Bubble's predilection for white powders (see below). Read on if you have the stomach for it... 12th June 2001 For those who give a shit, the actual phrase used in one of the most mealy-mouthed, hypocritical news items ever seen on the web site was as follows: "(Poyet's) bubbly and enthusiastic personality will also be missed but in a season where perhaps the first signs of a drop
in performance level began to show it’s perhaps not too surprising he has moved on." Quite apart from the usual schoolboy grammar and punctuation, something you really shouldn't have to put up with from a site that's supposed to represent the club, they are trying the same con twice: if you remember, they came out with the same crap when they flogged Tore Andre, claiming that it was "good business" selling a player who was "often only a substitute". The cunts. Poyet's "performance level" may not have been to his usual high standard last season, for the simple reason that old Claudio hardly gave him a game. You don't perform at your peak if you're not playing regularly - I'd have thought that would have been fucking obvious. Make no mistake: Poyet will be far and away the best player Tottenham have ever had, and when he scores a hat trick against us at 3 point lane I will be demanding Santa and Bulldog's heads on a fucking platter. OK, rant over. I'd like to thank Gus on behalf of all Chelsea fans for providing us with some of the finest moments the club has ever seen (Vicenza, Man U, Spurs, Newcastle, etc., as if you need reminding !) I did laugh at one paragraph on the official site: they seem to think that Emmanuel Petit starred in the seventies soft-porn classic "Emmanuelle", judging by the fact that that is how they've spelt his Christian name. The cunts. PS: I'm not criticising Jax, the webmaster on the official site, who does an excellent job. It's the twat who "writes" the news items I'm gunning for. 1st June 2001 May rants
© 1996-2002
Priesty's Chelsea FC Refuge.
Les Lashes Out
Dr Les, the world's most outspoken Chelsea fan, has spoken out once again. He's passed judgement on both Gus Poyet and Dennis Wise's abrupt departures from the shores of Stamford Bridge, as well as mounting his usual scathing attack on me, Priesty. I should warn you that you may find that Les has gone too far this time. On the other hand you may agree completely with the errant medico, although if that is the case I would suggest a visit to a psychiatrist. Read on..
Leisure Centre
The following news item was posted on the OFFICIAL Cardiff City web site yesterday, and is still there as at 12:30 today. You need to read it all to get the full flavour:
Petit Good
Chelsea have signed Emmanuel Petit for a load of cash from Barcelona. Good show. I've always liked the cut of his jib, and I'm delighted to see him in a Chelsea shirt. Bravo ! Hooray ! Tally Ho ! (OK - that's enough sarcasm - Ed)
A Load Of Old Pony ?
Chelsea are saying that they have signed a "pre-contract contract", whatever the fuck that is, with Emmanuel Petit. I'd advise not getting too excited, as I imagine it's pretty much like all contracts in football, i.e. not worth the paper it's printed on (see Laudrup et al).
Wise Words
My piece about Dennis Wise has provoked a flurry of replies. One in particular from regular contributor Klaus, has shown beyond all doubt that I have finally achieved the goal I was aiming for when I set out on this oddysey - he has characterised my stuff as being "an amusing mixture between sensible comment and a lot of bollocks". Needless to say I'm delighted to be associated with bollocks, although I feel that the sensible comment part is a bit much....
Not A Wise Move
It looks like Dennis Wise will be departing for Leicester today. A sad day for Chelsea, as Dennis is one of the few people who you could honestly say has served Chelsea with total commitment and loyalty since his arrival eleven years ago.
Dr Les On Altitude Sickness And Other Ailments
The beast Dr Les has returned once more to his Repulse Bay penthouse, following a short sojourn in the notorious Patpong district of Bangkok, where he and a mutual friend of ours distinguished themselves by becoming the first ever customers to have been ejected from the Lotus Garden Fanny Palace, one of the sleaziest dives in south-east Asia.
Gus Goes North
I fucking give up - Chelsea, in the form of their official website, are seeking to deflect attention from the fact that they have once again flogged one of their best players to the highest bidder - Rottenham to boot - by claiming that Gus Poyet was crap and that they have done superb business getting all that money for a 33 year-old. Shame on you, you cunts. I know that Gus put in a transfer request, but why not just celebrate the Chelsea career of one of the greatest attacking midfielders we've ever had instead of trying to diminish his memory by implying that he's past his best ?
Marching Powder Bubble Trouble
I would imagine that there are some red faces at Chelsea Football Club today, having "scored" the own goal of the season. Allow me to explain: The official Chelsea web site has been trying to jump on the Big Brother bandwagon by trumpeting the fact that the contestant known as "Bubble" from the odious Channel 4 show is "an avid Chelsea fan holding a season ticket in the East Upper - so as good a reason as any for him to deserve to win!". I wonder if they would agree that Bubble's recent admission that he's also an avid follower of Bolivia, if you get my drift, is also a good reason for him to deserve to win ? Answers on the back of a rolled up twenty pound note, please..
